Bipolar check-in #62

Been a really rough day thus far, and I am hoping for a change. Today is also my birthday. Send me some positive vibes please

The agitation has gone and in its wake is severe, soul crushing depression.

I am perfectly fine with laying on this couch for the rest of my life. I hope my body melds with the cushions.

The SH thoughts are high but it’s no longer an all consuming need so that’s good, I guess.

I got up and did half the dishes to prove that I’m not a useless lump. That’s enough for today. Except I have to take my son to his paternal grandfather’s. Can’t back out. We’ve been trying since before Christmas.

I think RS is going to drag me out semi-against my will for another short walk. It’s freezing out and I don’t want to be out there but I don’t think he’s going to let me lay here all day. He does love me very much.

Edit: oops, spoke too soon. Now I want to punch everything.

My husband has gotten into the habit of taking long naps after lunch. He wanted to go to see a street in a village that has a house of a famous Czech writer of the past. I told him I was in the middle of a baking project, so he just went to bed. I decided to make homemade English muffins of all things. They are not to be found in Czech Republic. They're now done and taste pretty good, but are smaller than Thomas' English muffins and a bit different in texture. I want to try a different recipe next time.

As if a miracle, Hubby suggested that we "clean out the attic" of stuff we don't need. We're yet to start, but what a progress that would be! We have way too much stuff that we were forced to bring from the US. Someday when we move again, we must have a lighter load. There's stuff of his that is absolutely ridiculous to keep.

I got on the scale to find that I gained back what I'd lost. I sort of guessed it.

I slept pretty good last night. I drank a 20oz bottle of Coke and then a can of zero sugar Pepsi and a can of zero sugar Mountain Dew. I then didn't take my first valium on time so my anxiety is a bit sucky right now. I ate a can of tuna with 28 grams of protein and some baked lays BBQ chips. My weight was good today. I weighed myself at 4:15 and saw the number and said "I'll take that." Then I hid the scale under my TV stand so I wouldnt be tempted to weigh myself again when I went for a shower at 6AM. I had on a tank top, jeans, and boots. I have a hoodie on now. My self esteem goes up when I wear a tank top with jeans. I like dressing like Freddie Mercury for some reason. My mom has told me that she doesn't like tank tops in general because they look sloppy. But I wanted to, but couldn't wear them for so many years until I got the top surgery, so yeah I'm going to wear them now.

My sister is dropping my nephews off in a bit and then they are all staying for dinner. They are off school tomorrow so they may be staying late tonight. I'm glad I have my family close by and if I can get a consistently good therapy relationship going with my therapist I'd be totally happy living here.

Eating healthy is a scam. I can buy a $6 burger, fries, sundae meal from Dairy Queen but eat over 2000 calories or spend $11 on a grande pink drink and 2 egg bites from Starbucks but only eat 310 calories.

I feel so depressed that I am having a hard time eating and I feel sick with anxiety. I was but my cat came and laid on my lap as soon as I was thinking about that so I made myself just go to sleep. My head hurts from all the crying last night. I'm having a lot of self hatred right now

I hope you have a lovely dinner with your family!
Youre totally right about the eating healthy, it can be soo expensive!