Bipolar check-in #62

In the last thread, Soupe du jour wrote:

I believe the term for what I have been experiencing lately is "mood lability." I have been having short high highs but a low false baseline. Right now I'm on a high. Gonna go enjoy it.

I got Hubby to at least take a short walk today. He read that only 2 out of 28 slopes were open, because of the poor visibility. Tomorrow the weather should be a bit better. I hope he skis a bit. I'd like to be more in the mountains.

Attached are a couple photos of nearby. Nothing as splendid as the town or ski mountain. Maybe I'll get better photos tomorrow. I'd say that there is at least 18 inches (45 cm) of snow in the town. Hubby read that there is about 8 feet (2 1/2 meters) on the ski mountain. The red rod in the one picture is one of many on the roadsides. Sometimes the snow gets so deep that people (plowers) need them as a guide to see where the roads are.

Thanks for the pictures soupe. I love seeing everyday pictures of other countries.

I had a good therapy session. It was remote. I told her about my birthday last year and how I spent it in bed feeling like a mess because I was unable to join the 27 club and my therapist didn't acknowledge it was my birthday and I had my Facebook settings to private, which I didn't know, so no one on Facebook knew but I thought they just didn't care. After asking a few awkward questions about the current state of my mental health and me reassuring her it was fine, we had a good session. Her face was funny when I told her about the 24 hour urine collection. She wants me to apply to work this week and she says shes thankful that I admitted to her that I am procrastinating because I am scared to go back to work because of my transtion. We talked about reframing and fact checking. But yeah it went good today. At the end she wished me happy birthday and she said she hoped I had a good time and she also said she was glad I got my Facebook settings fixed. I feel like I can try harder with this therapist because I don't have the emotional attachtment or transference issues that I had before so I can think more clearly during sessions.

We are getting pummled with snow but we still have power at least. My therapist said she was going to go play in the snow and I told her I was going to eat soup and binge watch TV.

I ate basically just Mcdonalds yesterday and I lost weight. Yet no one believes me when I tell them this. They say the weight loss is from the other 3 days I ate healthy. But I swear I just have a wonky body that runs on unhealthy foods. Also why I can drink 4 cans of soda a day and have zero issues with my teeth.

My old next door neighbor just called and said his wife died in August of cancer. I guess he couldnt get ahold of us since we switched numbers and its still hard for him to talk about it. They were nightmare neighbors to everyone else. Always calling the cops on people and stuff. But they really liked my family for some reason and called us the "good" neighbors. I would play with their grandaughter when I was little. The wife took a liking to me but was for sure what you'd call a "Karen" to most people. She even drove me to a dentist appointment when my mom was not able to drive. We have no idea why they liked us so much when they hated everyone else. Even their own kids they stopped talking to after awhile.

So I explained (after another poor night of sleep) to my T my recent sleep pattern and she's all like "yeah, be concerned if the lack of sleep becomes more consistent." WTF am i supposed to do those? Be more concerned? How does that help anyone. Do II teach to you or my pnurse? I called the injection nurse and left a message saying I'm not coming in for my injection. I wished she answered so I can explain in more than 30 seconds how awful the side effects of hell-dol are. I did ~50 laps around the house just in typing this message because of akathisia probably.
I had a cup of coffee this morning so I'm probbly not going to sleep tonight either. Goddforbid I try and tidy up the house before my ****buddy comes over.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour I got Hubby to at least take a short walk today. He read that only 2 out of 28 slopes were open, because of the poor visibility. Tomorrow the weather should be a bit better. I hope he skis a bit. I'd like to be more in the mountains. Attached are a couple photos of nearby. Nothing as splendid as the town or ski mountain. Maybe I'll get better photos tomorrow. I'd say that there is at least 18 inches (45 cm) of snow in the town. Hubby read that there is about 8 feet (2 1/2 meters) on the ski mountain. The red rod in the one picture is one of many on the roadsides. Sometimes the snow gets so deep that people (plowers) need them as a guide to see where the roads are.

Thank you for the pics - that's some serious snow!

And thank you for explaining the role of a nephrologist. I know a lot more now.

I went to take my evening meds only to realize that I accidentally took them in the morning, instead of my morning meds. I had wondered why I was so tired during portions of the day! The fatigue did eventually wear off, though. I'm not sure if I've ever made this particular boo boo before.

I decided to take evening meds again, else I likely wouldn't fall asleep at all. That does mean that I have taken 1,100 mg of Seroquel XR these past 24 hours. I had to make some decision on this. Oh well! At least my carbamazepine dose is right, as is my Lyrica. However, I will have skipped my Lamictal and cholesterol meds, and one of my blood pressure meds. I'll get back on track tomorrow morning.

I’ve done that before. Mostly though I tend to forget my morning meds which are all for physical stuff. I’ve got a routine but still mornings are my weak point. I do know by 3 pm though because skipping my stomach meds tends to make me nauseous and vomit. But like your bedtime meds if I took them I’d be tired and need to take them again in order to sleep. I have two different colors for my med boxes and I keep them in two separate places,…but still accidentally mix them up

I think being away from home makes me vulnerable to mistakes.

I always fill two weeks worth of pill boxes. For one week, I have separate (unattached) AM and PM boxes. For a second week, the AM and PM cubbies are attached (two rows). I brought the latter with me. I clearly didn't pay well enough attention to the row I took from. Like you, I normally have a routine that works well.

Yeah being away from home definitely messes up routine.

I've been very anxious (for good reason) for the last 6 weeks and it has flipped to depression. I'm just so tired. All I want to do is sleep.

I have been going through a breast cancer scare. Last year something showed up on the left side of my right breast. So I've had ultrasounds every 6 months and then had my normal mammogram in December. I wasn't worried because the June ultrasound was normal but I was called to come in for a ultrasound guided biopsy of the right side of my breast in early January. They couldn't biopsy everything so I had a mammogram guided biopsy last week. The results were benign but there's a bunch of stuff in there that needs to come out because it is precancerous so I'm waiting for a surgeon appointment in 2 weeks.

I've been so very anxious and unable to sleep or eat. Now I just want to do nothing but sleep. My therapist did an assessment and I'm moderately depressed. I have a telehealth visit with my pdoc Monday so hopefully she can help

This is the longest process. I will be so glad to at least have my surgery scheduled. I image that will be another month or 2 from my surgery appointment. This is a breast surgeon so anyone needing breast surgery sees her and since I'm not believed to have cancer I'll be lower priority (thank God!).

I just need to be able to talk about it sometimes here. This is really hard and it has dragged on so long. I know I'll be fine no matter what but I just need a yes or no and to know what the surgery will involve.

Thanks for listening.

@BeyondtheRainbow:

I'm sorry to hear you have to have breast surgery. That's very serious but at least it's benign. Yet it's understandable that you are struggling to cope. I find the anticipatory anxiety is often worse than the actual event. I had a needle biopsy and was told to book 90 minutes for it so i imagined the procedure would take that long when really it was just the paperwork and getting processed and changed and waiting that took the most time. The actual medical procedure took less than five minutes.

It was no fun but at least it was brief.

Wishing you more comfort while you wait for the procedure and a smooth operation and swift recovery.

I took an extra 20 geodon last night thinking I'd sleep in late and I don't think it made me feel very good. I woke up at 11:30 last night covered in drool and I don't know if that was a reaction or not. It has never happened before. But my pillow, my shirt, and my face was covered in it. But I've just been feeling kind of crummy all day but yesterday I was fine. So I'm wondering if maybe that extra 20 was bad. I do have to call my pdoc in the morning and tell the office I need my valium refilled. I am not that short now after going those few days with just 2 day. I'm more like 3 or 4 days short now instead of 10. I'm just hoping theres no problems.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow I've been very anxious (for good reason) for the last 6 weeks and it has flipped to depression. I'm just so tired. All I want to do is sleep. I have been going through a breast cancer scare. Last year something showed up on the left side of my right breast. So I've had ultrasounds every 6 months and then had my normal mammogram in December. I wasn't worried because the June ultrasound was normal but I was called to come in for a ultrasound guided biopsy of the right side of my breast in early January. They couldn't biopsy everything so I had a mammogram guided biopsy last week. The results were benign but there's a bunch of stuff in there that needs to come out because it is precancerous so I'm waiting for a surgeon appointment in 2 weeks. I've been so very anxious and unable to sleep or eat. Now I just want to do nothing but sleep. My therapist did an assessment and I'm moderately depressed. I have a telehealth visit with my pdoc Monday so hopefully she can help This is the longest process. I will be so glad to at least have my surgery scheduled. I image that will be another month or 2 from my surgery appointment. This is a breast surgeon so anyone needing breast surgery sees her and since I'm not believed to have cancer I'll be lower priority (thank God!). I just need to be able to talk about it sometimes here. This is really hard and it has dragged on so long. I know I'll be fine no matter what but I just need a yes or no and to know what the surgery will involve. Thanks for listening.

I/we are here for you. Talk away - we'll listen

I'm praying for you and sending loving, healing vibes.

Blue_Bird, how are you?

I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. Last week I got out of it because it was my husband's birthday. I'm thinking of suggesting to my therapist that we go to twice/month, rather than every week.

I'm working with calming and pacing myself to drive over to the new clinic tomorrow. Part of my fear has to do with possibly seeing the dumpster cat and worrying about it, part of my apprehension is because I dislike the new clinic (it's very "cold", large...so different from the cozy old clinic), and part of my concern has to do with the glaring light in my therapist's office. The parking lot is ridiculously large, which also bothers me. All those unnecessary, empty parking spaces. It's creepy, somehow.

Rather ridiculous stuff. But there it all is, stuck in my mind, causing worry.

I'm still watching The Tudors. King Henry VIII was a mostly horrid man. Dislikable, to say the least. I'm looking forward to going back and watching Versailles again. Louis XIV and his darling brother, Philippe, were wonderful.

I just went to the grocery store and bought 3 macarons - 2 pistachios and 1 "birthday cake." Macarons are such fun, lovely, tasty little things.

It is WINDY! Ugh, yesterday and today, just wild crazy windy. Still no rain in sight. *sigh*

Love all around

@BethRags I hope your therapy goes well!

I spent the day feeling anxious about work. Im in the middle of a depressive episode and Im really struggling. I just got started on another medication to see if that picks me up a little. I really hope it does but its giving me pretty bad insomnia.

I walked my dog today and I went to the pharmacy but that was all.

I hope everyone is having a good day/night

I feel a little better than I did last night. Not as paranoid. I was able to get out and go grocery shopping today. I'm thinking I need to possibly stay on my mood stabilizer, because the antipsychotics alone aren't helping with some manic symptoms. I was the one who requested going off it because I felt like I didn't need it anymore. so I'm in the midst of trying to taper off it. I don't know, I guess I'll figure it out. I talk to my psychiatrist again on the 23rd.

The Macarons sound great! It's supposed to snow here in upstate NY thursday/friday, we're supposed to get 6-7 inches. We've gotten an unusually little amount of snow this year.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird I feel a little better than I did last night. Not as paranoid. I was able to get out and go grocery shopping today. I'm thinking I need to possibly stay on my mood stabilizer, because the antipsychotics alone aren't helping with some manic symptoms. I was the one who requested going off it because I felt like I didn't need it anymore. so I'm in the midst of trying to taper off it. I don't know, I guess I'll figure it out. I talk to my psychiatrist again on the 23rd. The Macarons sound great! It's supposed to snow here in upstate NY thursday/friday, we're supposed to get 6-7 inches. We've gotten an unusually little amount of snow this year.

I'm so glad you're doing better, even if it's a little better. I've been wanting to go off my mood stabilizer, too (Lamictal). But then, sometimes a med is working better than we realize it is. So hard to tell.

Yay for the snow! You didn't get hit with the major storm last week? My daughter lives in Long Island. Of course, they were hit hard.

No I think it was further east than where I live

@BeyondtheRainbow sending warm hugs your way, feel free to talk/vent/rant/worry/etc on here all you need

I think I just had the greatest day ever! I won't go into details but I'm losing weight and today I barely even ate and I feel fine. The nurse never called me back so they must be okay with me quitting Haldol (or she just didn't have time and will call back tomorrow more likely). I spent most of the daywith a friend (soulmate?). I've known this dude since 1st grade. I am scared if he gets to know me he will leave, which is irrational because he already knows me obviously we've known each other like 20 years. There is no one else in my life other than my parents that I've talked to for that length of time. Sure I could find people I've known longer and been closer with on social media if I used it, but I'm not interested. All day my head was filled with poetry, but not the type of poetry I usually write which is raw and emotional, it was fun and light hearted, but also deep and loving. I had recently told my T I'm a "lone wolf" but not so. I just need to hang out with the right people. Not active addicts. Speaking of which I heard that my ex gf relapsed so it's a good thing I jumped ship on that one. I probably would've relapsed right along with her. I've always believed getting clean is to be something you do on your own. Back when I was like 18 I was dating this gal who was an active addict along with me and we both tried to be sober together. It lasted a full day then we got high. When my addiction left me practically alone, I realized with the help of others here especially bpcyclist (hope he's doing well) I needed to stop the ********. Took a few tries but I'm less than two months from a year without putting anything not prescribed (at somepoint anyways, I mean I have taken old rx's but nothing a pdoc wouldn't suggest in emergencies). I have 5 haldol pills for when the withdrawals become unbearable.. I'm going to try my very hardest not to use them. I do however have practically unlimited thorazine which i'm also going to try and not use because it also has similar effects I just think I was on a lower dose of thorazine than the haldol equivalent. I had trouble peeing earlier today. It felt like I really had to go and I couldn't. Hours of discomfort later I tried again and was able to go. So I guess I gotta lay off the cogentin for at least a week or so (I'm pulling that time frame outta my arse). I should stay away from haldol and thorazine too since those both can cause urinary retention. Ugh. I wish they would tell me if I definitely do or do not have diabetes insipidus too. It seems like every time I do blood work they tell me something different, but they're just assuming I have it and lithium's off the table (which is stupid because that **** stabilized my arse in a couple weeks and kept me out of the hospital until I had toxicity because apparently (according to my NP) there's no way to get a dose between 600mg and 1200mg so we'll go with 1200mg). I'm not even going to try to sleep tonight. I don't need it. I'm working on creating a new religion based on The Moose. All about perseverance and making it through tough times because life is complicated and every good has it's bad. I'm an optimistic nihilist really. Or a pastafarian. I had spaghetti for lunch so I guess I should dress up as a pirate and wear a colander on my head. I forget if I took my night meds (prazosin, valium). I think I did, but I don't really know.

Thank you (and everyone else who responded to this post). I'm just afraid that they'll get in there and find the biopsies were wrong and this is cancer. There's a 7-10% chance of that and I know my radiologist didn't like what he was seeing on mammogram or ultrasound. So that makes me somewhat anxious. Some of what they found with the biopsy is pre-cancerous and I am so grateful that I've been on this highly monitored thing or I wouldn't have had it show up until next year is all likeliehood. So we caught anything very early and that's good.

There was one point that the radiologist recommended an MRI so I'm going to ask the surgeon about that. I don't want to have surgery and then have them recommend it then.

It just feels like I have no control over my life. Hence the depression. And knowing we're about to be snow and iced in doesn't help much.

Oh well. It will work out. In the worst case scenario they need to do further treatments after surgery. I'll survive. I really wish it weren't in the middle of the pandemic but whatever. I guess it will keep me from feeling like I'm missing out on too much after surgery.

The good thing is that once I'm through this I'm going to staart leading a zoom Bible stuff for my church, something that has been missing for about 15 months when the leader had to quit abruptly. I'm not starting it until I'm sure I don't have cancer treatments but when I'm cleared I'll enjoy it.

I had a nice time today outside with my neighbors and our dogs. It was an overcast but mild Winter day and was even nice enough to sit in the lawn chair with my dog in my lap. I also got to a big cleaning project.

But otherwise it was a bad day, with both of my online events being duds. I quit them both before they finished. So sick of trying to make myself feel better and everything is just annoying and unpleasant and irritating. I know it's just the depression talking but that doesn't make it any easier to bear.

So glad you caught it early. Sending healing vibes that it’s not the 10% but the 90% benign.