Bipolar check-in #62

At this exact moment I feel pretty good about things. About seeing family this week. About the testosterone. Maybe it really is affecting my moods more then I realize and why I have been going through such extreme mood swings. I got the shot on Friday and I have been pretty stable since and the few days after I get the shot I normally am pretty stable. I do hope going off it for 3 months works out and sorts out these physical issues.

I tried going for my 8AM blood test. It was a bad idea to go on a Monday. I got there at 7:50 and it was jam packed. The receptionist said we wouldnt get in on time and its not always this crowded but we should probably try coming in earlier. So I'll go back either tommorow or Wednesday around 7 so I can guarantee getting it done as close to 8 as possible.

But my moods have been under control today. They were rough when I woke up at 3:30 but then I fell back asleep and I woke up at 7 feeling pretty good.

Still crying but thinking I may pull through. I have gone through a bottle of Klonopin in 2 days and that’s not safe but I have handed over the rest of my meds to my family.

I appreciate the kind words and support I’ve received here. It’s been of great comfort.

I have therapy today at 12:15 and tomorrow I was going to the movies and Wednesday to bible study and out to eat at a Country Club and Thursday take my brother to the doctor twice and this weekend my daughter will come down. It’s between that and IP. Right now I think IP. I’ll see what my therapist says and how much she helps. I need help.

Thanks again.

Chchchillllllllllllling in the hospital after getting some screws in my hip. I cannot feela damn thing! Going home soon and I will be in this funky brace thing o I’ll br bioniccwomnn

Been ruminating for a couple days now about what sent me to the hospital almost 6 months ago. It's back haunting me although I feel anxious it's not the crazy pacing non-stop heart pounding raised blood pressure type that I felt 6 months ago.

In addition to that, my sleep is messed up again. Friday night I stayed up all night until about 6 am. Saturday, I never got up- just kept sleeping until 10:00 this morning. Then, I finally got up but both Friday and today I binge watched YouTube for most of the day. And now, it's almost 3:30 a.m. and I'm still up. Not really tired plus when I try to fall asleep the ruminating begins again. I don't have any prns that would make me sleepy. I do take trazodone at bedtime but my body is used to it and I'm not sure it does much anymore. So I set my alarm for 10 and 11 a.m. but now that I'm still up that would be less than 8 hours sleep. Part of my problem is that I wasn't tired and was still up at 1 and started an hour-long video. Now it's been an hour and a half past when that ended and I don't know where the time went.

PS. Sorry no personals. I haven't been good about coming here to as of late. I'm sorry for that.

P.P.S.

Now it's 4 am. Maybe I should just go back to YouTube and stay up all day until tomorrow night.

Still crying but thinking I may pull through. I have gone through a bottle of Klonopin in 2 days and that’s not safe but I have handed over the rest of my meds to my family.

I appreciate the kind words and support I’ve received here. It’s been of great comfort.

I have therapy today at 12:15 and tomorrow I was going to the movies and Wednesday to bible study and out to eat at a Country Club and Thursday take my brother to the doctor twice and this weekend my daughter will come down. It’s between that and IP. Right now I think IP. I’ll see what my therapist says and how much she helps. I need help.

Thanks again.

Oh my! Screws in your hip! Does the funky brace thing come off easily or is it "permanent"?

Chchchillllllllllllling in the hospital after getting some screws in my hip. I cannot feela damn thing! Going home soon and I will be in this funky brace thing o I’ll br bioniccwomnn

I realize things have gotten out of hand. I have told both my med provider and therapist about my overuse of Klonopin. I realized at the time that it was extremely dangerous and did not care. I will be going inpatient in the morning for a few days to get straightened out. I’m hoping I can still meet my daughter this weekend.

Talking with my therapist was very helpful today as was sitting in the sun with one glass of champagne and a good book.

Thank you for your concern and support. I realize now that I crossed a line and need professional help to stay safe and move forward.

I hope you have a peaceful afternoon.

I tried going for my 8AM blood test. It was a bad idea to go on a Monday. I got there at 7:50 and it was jam packed. The receptionist said we wouldnt get in on time and its not always this crowded but we should probably try coming in earlier. So I'll go back either tommorow or Wednesday around 7 so I can guarantee getting it done as close to 8 as possible.

But my moods have been under control today. They were rough when I woke up at 3:30 but then I fell back asleep and I woke up at 7 feeling pretty good.

Does your doctor know how you use melatonin? I might be wrong but I think the high doses you use and taking it at times different than the body's natural bedtime could affect your cortisol levels. It might be something to check into or just discuss with him, especially if your levels are abnormal.

I've never discussed the amount of melatonin with medical providers but I often wonder if the reason I wake up with an upset stomach and anxiety is a result of it. I'll bring it up in therapy and I might ask my pdoc on Thursday. I know I normally get by with 20mil and they do sell that dose on Amazon. So I don't think the 20mil is really considered dangerous. And I do take it at the same time every day. My bedtime routine has actually been pretty consistent its just my sleep that has not been.