Bipolar check-in #63

~Christina · Mar 22, 2022, 03:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WindsThatBlow

I start my new job tonight. I should be sleeping now to rest up for it but I can't seem to get adjusted to the schedule yet. I'm not really ready to work I don't feel -- I pushed myself to try to get a job because of a very poor interaction with someone who left me feeling so insecure and stupid for being in my position and like it's only my fault I suffer. I'm not 100% sure he's wrong, but I wanted to try to prove I was making a motion in the right direction for me -- and funnily enough? This apparently isn't the right decision in his eyes either, so I'm still being made to feel insecure and stupid. I really shouldn't say it that way-- i'm allowing this person in my life so it's just me allowing myself to be hurt.

Just wish me luck. I don't feel very stable these days.

I hope things work out well

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~Christina · Mar 22, 2022, 03:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Checking in. I’m doing fairly good. I have the door open getting some fresh, cool air and listening to the birds. Lovely.

I told myself that if I remained friends with my ex I would still intentionally accept every social invite I got and seek out healthy friendships and relationships. I’m doing that and I’m proud of it. I have a nice balance and I’m happy about it.

My daughter and I are very slowly crawling forward. I quit chasing and begging. I quit everything. She’s been texting me every day and I respond with love but I’m no longer breaking my back. I’m more at peace. It will be what it will be.

The past few days have been sunny and pleasant. I’ve enjoyed the sun and a good psychological thriller with some lovely Sangria.

Today I’m going clothes shopping because of my weight loss yay!, to see Death on the Nile at the movies with friends and then out to eat. Building my tribe that loves and appreciates me one step at a time.

Hugs to all.

You are doing so well. You are an inspiration for us all

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~Christina · Mar 22, 2022, 03:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87

please send positive vibes my way. i needddddddd to get soooo muhchomework done and have so little time! im freaking out.

You’re a college class warrior! Just breathe and chip away at it. Love ya !

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~Christina · Mar 22, 2022, 03:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sapien

Because I've been hospitalized over 20 times and arrested a couple times they want to get me into ACT. To get into ACT I need to apply for Medicaid. To apply for Medicaid I have to apply for SSI. Each step requires an inordinate amount of paper work and I'm super duper overwhelmed by all of it and wondering if it's worth it.
I'm feeling very overwhelmed. I fking hate this country's healthcare system. I'm crying because I'm too incompetent to know how to get help. I spent 2013-2021(?) either drunk or high and psychotic I don't know anything that I did in terms of finances, occupations, log in information, etc.
Why the fk do I have to jump through all these hoops and navigate all this red tape just to stay out of the hospital/jail?

Contact your local mental health services or ask whoever is recommending this to find someone to help you navigate the paperwork.

Think of this as a gift to yourself to really get on your feet and working towards stability. You deserve happiness

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~Christina · Mar 22, 2022, 04:01 PM

Well shyt

What I thought was tooth pain from clenching my jaw is actually a huge problem.

I got a crown last month as my tooth was cracked very deep my dentist was hoping the crown would take care of it.. but Nope I need a root canal. We used Care Credit to finance the crown 900.00 and now having to get more done. Omg I’m at my wits end with every damn thing breaking down. I have no idea how we can finance even more. Eventually there is simply not enough money to pay for stuff.

I’m popping Tylenol, ibuprofen and Aleve and it’s not doing much. This hurts so bad

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Moose72 · Mar 22, 2022, 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Well shyt

What I thought was tooth pain from clenching my jaw is actually a huge problem.

I got a crown last month as my tooth was cracked very deep my dentist was hoping the crown would take care of it.. but Nope I need a root canal. We used Care Credit to finance the crown 900.00 and now having to get more done. Omg I’m at my wits end with every damn thing breaking down. I have no idea how we can finance even more. Eventually there is simply not enough money to pay for stuff.

I’m popping Tylenol, ibuprofen and Aleve and it’s not doing much. This hurts so bad

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Oh Christina!

Praying that this resolves itself quickly and as painlessly as possible.

Mar 22, 2022, 07:40 PM

I'm getting some small signs that my mood is improving. I've been neglecting my physical health all Winter. It was the second of three sunny dry early Spring days today and i took some steps toward life: i had some fruit and veg and bought some protein drink. There is rain in the forecast so it probably will stall but i am happy to have had a decent stretch of wellness. I also did a load of laundry, at last. I went in my ZOOM social hour and while it was nice to see everyone and say hello the chatter did not really interest me and i left early after saying goodbye and thanks. I enjoyed the foodcourt at the mall and look forward to it again tomorrow.

Early in the day i cried because of how helpless i feel. But the activities helped fight it off and i think i can cope with a simple life. It's true that i'm not a particularly powerful person, not super competent or well-informed. But it takes all kinds to make the world go round. If things get neglected from time to time, it's too bad but it's not a crime against humanity.

I once saw a guy on the news who ate nothing but Kraft Dinner and his doctor said he was perfectly healthy.

@~Christina:

Sorry to hear about your toothache and the steep bill you're facing on top of your other hardships. Just wish you could catch a break...

BeyondtheRainbow · Mar 22, 2022, 08:49 PM

I went to Breast Center #2 today. I had ANOTHER mammogram (#5 since 12/15) and bilateral ultrasounds. I now have cysts in my other breast which until now I've been told had nothing. Honestly it makes more sense to me that I have cysts (not the problem, just to be watched) bilaterally than just on one side. But.........the reason I'm having a biopsy is a lesion and they found a 2nd one of those. They think. So next week I have to go up and have another biopsy (#3 plus it will add another mammogram at the end to be sure things are in place).

Then there is the MAOI thing....I'm going to be talking to anesthesia soon about working around it. They've done this in several prior surgeries so I have no reason to think they can't now but everyone seems so surprised I think ti's an option that I'm getting nervous about it.

If I can't get the surgery with the MAOI I'll have to find a way to get through 2 weeks without it . It will be hell. I may wind up IP and if that happens I don't know if the psych hospital will release me for surgery and then return until I'm back on the MAOI? I have to get in touch with my pdoc to find that out.

It was a very long day and I'm exhausted. I'm trying to stay up late enough I won't wake for 2-3 hours in the night. It's rough. 5 hours in the car plus a lot of hanging around waiting for them to look at old and new imaging was a lot.

Thanks for listening.

bizi · Mar 22, 2022, 09:11 PM

Christina, sorry for your tooth pains, you can take 4 advil 3 times a day if your kidneys and liver are ok and take them with food. This is the prescription strength.

Jennifer, you sound stable to me.
great going!

jane how is your dog and what is its name?
still taking em for walks?
glad that you had a sunny day or 2.

I am so tired half thinking of going to bed earlier but want to stay up and watch sex in the city. I am always tired in the morning irregardless of the number of hours I have slept.
bizi

Mar 22, 2022, 09:49 PM

@bizi:

My dog is fine and we are getting along well again. Her name is Hush because she is so quiet. I take her to a small private dog-park we have on our property and let her run loose, i don't walk her. Yeah, the weather makes such a difference.

Sunflower123 · Mar 23, 2022, 06:01 AM

Checking in. Hello all! I’m deeply depressed today. Things look bad but at least I know that’s not reality. It’s just my mindset or the chemicals in my brain.

I talked to my friend for 3 hours last night. I’m questioning myself as to whether I’m getting close to the line in wanting to get back together with him. My therapist would have a fit. I believe it’s boredom, depression or restlessness speaking but I can’t say for sure. This is the relationship where I got badly burned just recently. I DON’T want to go through that again.

I’m having difficulty finding someone to evaluate me for a correct diagnosis. My former psychiatrist is firm in his belief that it’s Bipolar 2. I don’t really have $175-260 for an evaluation at this time as I just paid $645 for a crown and I need to come up with $400 for surgery on my tongue. I had a taste bud get inflamed and it started to grow. It needs to be removed and a biopsy performed. My daughter is the one pushing for the evaluation.

It’s raining cats and dogs here. I think I’ll skip bible study and lunch with friends and stay in today and work around the house. I have therapy today thank goodness. Tonight the church brings meals over.

I need to make some changes in my life for better mental health. I’ll make a list and get started.

Hugs to all!

unlived · Mar 23, 2022, 07:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I got my blood test results. And the red blood count ones are still high. I was wondering if they would go down at all. So it looks like I'll for sure be starting phlebotomy on Thursday. My kidney function was also high as usual My gluocse was 108 which my mom said wasn't bad. Something called alkaline phosphatase was high. I googled it and it says it could possibly indicate an infection in my liver or my gallbladder. I know I've been having some pain mainly in my right side which I just assumed was pain from getting off my testosterone. My right side hurts pretty badly right now though so I'm not sure. I just read my results online. I didn't talk to anyone. If my doctor calls then I'll ask her if the blood level and pain are related and if I should be concerned. In her notes she called me "withdrawn" but a pleasent patient. Now I'm waiting to get a phone call about the blood results, if they will do that, or a message from my endocrinologist saying when I can go back on my testosterone. I feel anxious today and I have that pain but I'm glad theres legit reasons to why I'm feeling like this and that I'm not just going off the deep end.

I guess my red blood count levels are higher then they were before. I don't get why they would be higher if the testosterone was the issue and I've been off that for over 3 weeks. Kinda freaks me out a bit. My mom says not to worry about it but she doesn't know why either. I always say I want to die before my mom or die then live through war but then when I think I'm dying I freak out about that just as much as the other stuff.

Just a possibility and I don’t know if it’s even really logical coz u had a hysterectomy but maybe…. I’m on meds to stop periods so I obviously don’t bleed and therefore my blood count just keeps going up and up and is the highest it’s ever been even though I’m not doing anything or taking anything or eating anything to make it go up. Maybe your body is still working that way even though you don’t have those parts? And coz you’re not losing blood anymore something in your system is making it go up? Just a thought anyway.

Blue_Bird · Mar 23, 2022, 12:14 PM

Had an appointment with my psychiatrist today. I'm doing mostly well with only a few instances of paranoia but it's much more manageable than it was before the med increase. I had it happen last night, where I was very agitated and thought I was being poisoned, but I was able to get through it by taking my klonopin, plus my night meds, and eventually going to sleep. It's the first time in 4 or 5 months that I've been doing this well. My doctor said if I want we can meet again in 2 months instead of 1 month like we normally do, since I'm doing good, and I said I was okay with that. She said she's proud of me for some of the things I've been doing and how I've been coping well, So I'm happy to be making some progress

I signed and renewed my lease for my apartment today

*Beth* · Mar 23, 2022, 01:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I went to Breast Center #2 today. I had ANOTHER mammogram (#5 since 12/15) and bilateral ultrasounds. I now have cysts in my other breast which until now I've been told had nothing. Honestly it makes more sense to me that I have cysts (not the problem, just to be watched) bilaterally than just on one side. But.........the reason I'm having a biopsy is a lesion and they found a 2nd one of those. They think. So next week I have to go up and have another biopsy (#3 plus it will add another mammogram at the end to be sure things are in place).

Then there is the MAOI thing....I'm going to be talking to anesthesia soon about working around it. They've done this in several prior surgeries so I have no reason to think they can't now but everyone seems so surprised I think ti's an option that I'm getting nervous about it.

If I can't get the surgery with the MAOI I'll have to find a way to get through 2 weeks without it . It will be hell. I may wind up IP and if that happens I don't know if the psych hospital will release me for surgery and then return until I'm back on the MAOI? I have to get in touch with my pdoc to find that out.

It was a very long day and I'm exhausted. I'm trying to stay up late enough I won't wake for 2-3 hours in the night. It's rough. 5 hours in the car plus a lot of hanging around waiting for them to look at old and new imaging was a lot.

Thanks for listening.

Rainbow, thank you for your update. It sounds absolutely exhausting, no wonder you were worn out. I agree about speaking with your pdoc to have a solid plan.

*Beth* · Mar 23, 2022, 02:05 PM

Good Lord, Christina, I'm so sorry about your dental situation. That feeling when everything is broken down....yeah, been there. Hang in. I know that's easy for me to say, but really, really...all the crap will pass.

The birds are going wild today, with the warm weather! The cats sit in the windows and partake of the joy of watching and hearing the birds. Then the cats get so sleepy from excitement, they take deep naps.

The war is weighing heavily on me. I really fear Putin and those who worship him. Or rather, those who kiss his azz. I do watch the news to a degree; I believe it is my responsibility to be informed about what is happening in our world. I do not over-watch the news, however. Nevertheless, it doesn't make much difference. The awareness of the situation is there all the time. At night I watch epic historical dramas to enchant my mind some. I am awaiting the NATO summit that is taking place tomorrow. Where do NATO countries stand? What can we expect? The U.S. has "formerly announced" that Russia has committed war crimes. Approaching this from a legal standpoint would be, I think, wise.

Well, I am off to take a shower then go to the grocery store. My weird leg cramp thing is improved; I'm hoping that walking down the stairs doesn't cause it to flare up.

Today Sidney got a tiny insulin dose increase. Fingers crossed and prayers said that the increase will be advantageous for her.

Big hugs all around

Nammu · Mar 23, 2022, 03:22 PM

Saw the new pdoc. He’s professional and ooo I’d say 40’s maybe, hard to tell with a mask. But nice enough. I told him my biggest issue is sleep but I want to get off ambian but every time I try I have physical anxiety sweating, hot flashes and it’s terrible. He said he’d support that goal and is going to use liquid Ambian and decrease it very slowing and go up on the latuda. With another AP as a prn for bad nights. I see him again in a month. I’m ambivalent about messing with the latuda but I said no antidepressants NO AD! So that limited his options. I was sort of afraid he’d say it’s more or less working just keep it as it is but it bugs me greatly that I’m physically addicted to this bugger. I want off. He had no problem with that. So good appointment. He ordered an EKG and it’s of course normal.

Mountaindewed · 04:13 PM

I seem to be much calmer without the testosterone. I had a very sudden change in schedule today regarding therapy. It was switched from in person to virtual in about 10 minutes when I had already left my house. Instead of getting pissed I just said "ok" and I made it home in time. She was also 20 minutes late. She still gave me the full 45 minutes since it was her fault. I didn't make a big deal about it to my mom or to her. The session was productive but I could tell she wasn't feeling good.

I remember as a 17 year old teenager being really jealous of all the skinny kids with medical conditions while I was this fat buffoon with suspected somatic disorder. As Sam would say in Bewitched "Well..." man have the tables turned as a 29 year old. Sometimes I think a bit too much. I often wonder if I'll make it much past 30.

I go in for the blood thing tommorow. I'm not too nervous about it. I'm just hoping my levels go down after its done.

MuddyBoots · Mar 23, 2022, 03:45 PM

I gotta find something new to do from home with a broken hip because that's my therapy homework. I'm legit thinking about just getting high and goofing off with my dad's hypomanic purchases from the hobby shop. He bought a rocket

Mountaindewed · Mar 23, 2022, 04:49 PM

Apparently our AC and furnace is broken and its going to cost over 16 grand to replace it. So we have been breathing in bad air for a long time. I asked my mom a few times if there was mold in the house or something that could be causing us issues and shes like the house was checked for mold. But if the furnace is blowing in bad air and my room is right next to the furnace then maybe thats partially why I feel so nauseated all the time.

Pinny · Mar 23, 2022, 04:54 PM

Hey everyone! Sorry without a laptop it’s not easy to read everything.
I’m so sorry to read some of you are not doing so well! I really hope things improve for you all!

And I appreciate you giving an update @BeyondtheRainbow ! I really hope things work out. I’m sorry they think they have found another lesion.

And @BethRags I understand what you mean about the war, it’s just disgusting! Those putin worshipers are terrifying!

Meanwhile I’m currently icing a torn calf muscle from playing with my sports team tonight. We didn’t have any subs so I just tried to keep playing but the reality was I think Ive done some damage. I felt it “pop” twice

Other than that, I’ve got work tomorrow morning eek! Hopefully it’ll go well, although I’m a bit anxious.

I think I’m so focussed on the pain just now though that I’m not really thinking about my anxiety!

I think im just going to go to bed!
Night night everyone

*Beth* · Mar 23, 2022, 05:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu

Saw the new pdoc. He’s professional and ooo I’d say 40’s maybe, hard to tell with a mask. But nice enough. I told him my biggest issue is sleep but I want to get off ambian but every time I try I have physical anxiety sweating, hot flashes and it’s terrible. He said he’d support that goal and is going to use liquid Ambian and decrease it very slowing and go up on the latuda. With another AP as a prn for bad nights. I see him again in a month. I’m ambivalent about messing with the latuda but I said no antidepressants NO AD! So that limited his options. I was sort of afraid he’d say it’s more or less working just keep it as it is but it bugs me greatly that I’m physically addicted to this bugger. I want off. He had no problem with that. So good appointment. He ordered an EKG and it’s of course normal.

Sounds like an excellent pdoc, Nammu. The liquid Ambian is such a smart way to decrease. It's impressive that he ordered an EKG. I have never had a single pdoc, and I've seen at least 35 of them over the past decades, send me for an EKG.

*Beth* · Mar 23, 2022, 05:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pinny

Hey everyone! Sorry without a laptop it’s not easy to read everything.
I’m so sorry to read some of you are not doing so well! I really hope things improve for you all!

And I appreciate you giving an update @BeyondtheRainbow ! I really hope things work out. I’m sorry they think they have found another lesion.

And @BethRags I understand what you mean about the war, it’s just disgusting! Those putin worshipers are terrifying!

Meanwhile I’m currently icing a torn calf muscle from playing with my sports team tonight. We didn’t have any subs so I just tried to keep playing but the reality was I think Ive done some damage. I felt it “pop” twice

Other than that, I’ve got work tomorrow morning eek! Hopefully it’ll go well, although I’m a bit anxious.

I think I’m so focussed on the pain just now though that I’m not really thinking about my anxiety!

I think im just going to go to bed!
Night night everyone

Ohh, I hope your calf injury heals quickly. The "pops"

I pulled my calf muscle a few days ago, but it's nothing as bad as yours. Please take care of it and see a doctor if it isn't improving.

*Beth* · Mar 23, 2022, 05:44 PM

My driver's license is expired and I keep putting off going over to renew it. It's ridiculous. I don't usually procrastinate. I hate the location of the DMV office and the whole thing blows up to be huge in my mind. I absolutely have to go on Monday. The DMV is near my therapist's office, so I'll go after my session with her. I dread that part of town. It's just a lot of sprawling cement and empty places with weeds all over. No people on the streets, just a lot of cars.

I went to the store. My calf muscle seems to be improving. Now I'm going to clean the bathroom. I ate a piece of almond cake and I feel sick. Bleck.

Sapien, just don't. You will feel so, so sorry.

Nammu · Mar 23, 2022, 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BethRags

Sounds like an excellent pdoc, Nammu. The liquid Ambian is such a smart way to decrease. It's impressive that he ordered an EKG. I have never had a single pdoc, and I've seen at least 35 of them over the past decades, send me for an EKG.

Yeah, I hadn’t thought of it that way. I just thought it was a bit over the top, but yeah I’m going to be 64 and asking him to withdraw me off a tough drug that I couldn’t withdraw from on my own and the physical symptoms I had were quite alarming, so yeah, you’re right. When I first was diagnosed back in the late 80’s my pdoc was good at doing that too. One thing she did that I loved was ordering PT for my back. They had huge hot pads they’d put on my back, and I’d just lay under all the weight and melt. It was great. But in New Mexico and Texas nope. There was a huge separation between physical and psychological.

*Beth* · Mar 23, 2022, 06:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu

Yeah, I hadn’t thought of it that way. I just thought it was a bit over the top, but yeah I’m going to be 64 and asking him to withdraw me off a tough drug that I couldn’t withdraw from on my own and the physical symptoms I had were quite alarming, so yeah, you’re right. When I first was diagnosed back in the late 80’s my pdoc was good at doing that too. One thing she did that I loved was ordering PT for my back. They had huge hot pads they’d put on my back, and I’d just lay under all the weight and melt. It was great. But in New Mexico and Texas nope. There was a huge separation between physical and psychological.

Yes, it is like that here, especially now. Recently, psychiatrists have to be classified with "medical" not with "behavioral health" as they used to be. The pdocs, therapists, and patients I've spoken with are not pleased about such a change.

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Bipolar check-in #63

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