Bipolar check-in #63

My breast center appointments are tomorrow. I'm calmer than usual before these things. I just dread it. I'm tired of being poked and prodded. But I'm getting used to it and it could be so much worse.

And now I have to go catch a stinkbug. Hate those things.

I’m sorry you’re going through that. Sending gentle hugs and supportive vibes.

Checking in. I’m doing fairly good. I have the door open getting some fresh, cool air and listening to the birds. Lovely.

I told myself that if I remained friends with my ex I would still intentionally accept every social invite I got and seek out healthy friendships and relationships. I’m doing that and I’m proud of it. I have a nice balance and I’m happy about it.

My daughter and I are very slowly crawling forward. I quit chasing and begging. I quit everything. She’s been texting me every day and I respond with love but I’m no longer breaking my back. I’m more at peace. It will be what it will be.

The past few days have been sunny and pleasant. I’ve enjoyed the sun and a good psychological thriller with some lovely Sangria.

Today I’m going clothes shopping because of my weight loss yay!, to see Death on the Nile at the movies with friends and then out to eat. Building my tribe that loves and appreciates me one step at a time.

Hugs to all.

I start my new job tonight. I should be sleeping now to rest up for it but I can't seem to get adjusted to the schedule yet. I'm not really ready to work I don't feel -- I pushed myself to try to get a job because of a very poor interaction with someone who left me feeling so insecure and stupid for being in my position and like it's only my fault I suffer. I'm not 100% sure he's wrong, but I wanted to try to prove I was making a motion in the right direction for me -- and funnily enough? This apparently isn't the right decision in his eyes either, so I'm still being made to feel insecure and stupid. I really shouldn't say it that way-- i'm allowing this person in my life so it's just me allowing myself to be hurt.

Just wish me luck. I don't feel very stable these days.

Ah ok that’s not as much as I thought.

Hi Jennifer, I'm glad you're spending some time mindfully enjoying some pleasant moments in the day. I'm also relieved to read that you are seeming grounded to good degrees. I haven't quite known how to support you during your breakup. I do want you to be happy and safe. I'll just write that, no matter which paths you take going forward.

I hope your first day at the job works out for you, WindsThatBlow. If not, or if it does seem clear that the return is premature, please don't look at that as a failure. Instead, if it turns out that way, look it at as a brave attempt and a chance to test where you are right now. You need not seek that friend's approval. You need to seek your own as to whether or not it's right...now.

please send positive vibes my way. i needddddddd to get soooo muhchomework done and have so little time! im freaking out.

Sending the positive vibes. Please don't look at the whole, just keep plugging away at one thing then another and it will get done.

That is hot! Fans feel nice, though. Maybe some iced tea or lemonade would also keep you cool. I recently made some homemade iced tea with fresh mint and it was a real treat.

I do hope you can find a solution to your anxiety. Is there anything that's helped in the past, beyond just medications? Is the anxiety mostly from some situational or other cause, or does it seem to have no discernible cause?

Hubby and I got home last night from our visit to Prague. It feels so good to be home again, even to do housework, believe it or not. I'm also simmering a pot of homemade chicken broth. I tend to make it more, homemade, than I did in the US. Mostly because the bouillon pastes here aren't as good as the Better Than Bouillon sold in the US. I would only make homemade when I wanted soup, but so often I need small amounts for things like pan sauces. I hate defrosting more than I need, as I freeze it. I'm thinking of using an ice cube tray for some.

Last night when we arrived by train we went to look for the bus that goes past our house. There my husband asked a young couple where to find bus 70. It turned out they were a Ukrainian couple with whom we spoke English. We chatted a little about the situation in Ukraine. They seemed to be pretty well taken care of here, if I can put it that way. We sort of figured the young man left Ukraine before they started demanding men stay to fight.

Because I've been hospitalized over 20 times and arrested a couple times they want to get me into ACT. To get into ACT I need to apply for Medicaid. To apply for Medicaid I have to apply for SSI. Each step requires an inordinate amount of paper work and I'm super duper overwhelmed by all of it and wondering if it's worth it.
I'm feeling very overwhelmed. I fking hate this country's healthcare system. I'm crying because I'm too incompetent to know how to get help. I spent 2013-2021(?) either drunk or high and psychotic I don't know anything that I did in terms of finances, occupations, log in information, etc.
Why the fk do I have to jump through all these hoops and navigate all this red tape just to stay out of the hospital/jail?

I got the paper done!!!! and the quizzes!

@Sapien, I'm sorry you have such terribly rough challenges within a very flawed system and went through hell with your illness. I'm assuming you don't have any trusted family member who could help with any of this? I won't immediately suggest an SS lawyer because I wouldn't want you to have to pay anything out to anyone when you're in need of as much financial support as possible.

The first thing that came to my mind is perhaps contacting NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). The NAMI chapter where I used to live had very helpful resources and support references. However, from the years I've spent on various bipolar forums, I've found that not all NAMI chapters are created equal. This seems to be yet another example of benefits (or disadvantages) depending on where you live in the US. Or more accurately, the wealth or influence in some places vs. others.

Another thing:

I have no experience with them so can't say one way or another how helpful they are, but have you heard of SOAR (SSI/SSDI Outreach, Access, & Recovery)? You might check out info at SSI/SSDI Outreach, Access, and Recovery (SOAR) | SAMHSA According to what's written there, they don't just help the homeless with access to SSI/SSDI, but those with serious mental health issues. It seems affiliated with SAMHSA - Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, which appears to be part of the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services. In the link above, it mentioned SOAR helping about 45,000 people get SSI/SSDI since 2005. That sounds like very few, compared to likely need, but sometimes it might be because so few people even know about the services. You know..."If you don't ask you don't receive." and "If you don't know about it, you don't ask about it." And unfortunately, sometimes organizations count on that for various reasons. Kinda like store coupons. They are there to help you save (or rather act as marketing tools), but only if you find them and use them. Some stores count on people not.

@Sapien:

I'm sorry things are so hard now. I found my appeal for private disability benefits overwhelming back in the late 90s too. I finally hired a lawyer thru legal aid and he was just magic. It took him eight months and it was very difficult enduring that but he was successful and i've been living peacefully ever since, 23 years.

Is legal aid an option for you?

I got my blood test results. And the red blood count ones are still high. I was wondering if they would go down at all. So it looks like I'll for sure be starting phlebotomy on Thursday. My kidney function was also high as usual My gluocse was 108 which my mom said wasn't bad. Something called alkaline phosphatase was high. I googled it and it says it could possibly indicate an infection in my liver or my gallbladder. I know I've been having some pain mainly in my right side which I just assumed was pain from getting off my testosterone. My right side hurts pretty badly right now though so I'm not sure. I just read my results online. I didn't talk to anyone. If my doctor calls then I'll ask her if the blood level and pain are related and if I should be concerned. In her notes she called me "withdrawn" but a pleasent patient. Now I'm waiting to get a phone call about the blood results, if they will do that, or a message from my endocrinologist saying when I can go back on my testosterone. I feel anxious today and I have that pain but I'm glad theres legit reasons to why I'm feeling like this and that I'm not just going off the deep end.

I guess my red blood count levels are higher then they were before. I don't get why they would be higher if the testosterone was the issue and I've been off that for over 3 weeks. Kinda freaks me out a bit. My mom says not to worry about it but she doesn't know why either. I always say I want to die before my mom or die then live through war but then when I think I'm dying I freak out about that just as much as the other stuff.

Thanks @Soupe du jour and @whatever2013 My mom said she would come down tonight and try to help me out. I can't afford a lawyer and that website is just as confusing.

I hope you manage to sort out all the paperwork @Sapien . That sounds really stressful and overwhelming!

@MountaindewedI think the hospital/doctors would have called if there was something particularly worrying. Alk phos can be slightly raised for lots of reasons including in healthy patients! I hope you feel less anxious soon!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sapien Because I've been hospitalized over 20 times and arrested a couple times they want to get me into ACT. To get into ACT I need to apply for Medicaid. To apply for Medicaid I have to apply for SSI. Each step requires an inordinate amount of paper work and I'm super duper overwhelmed by all of it and wondering if it's worth it. I'm feeling very overwhelmed. I fking hate this country's healthcare system. I'm crying because I'm too incompetent to know how to get help. I spent 2013-2021(?) either drunk or high and psychotic I don't know anything that I did in terms of finances, occupations, log in information, etc. Why the fk do I have to jump through all these hoops and navigate all this red tape just to stay out of the hospital/jail?

Yes, the healthcare system here is awful. It sounds to me like you may benefit from hiring a lawyer. That was the only was I plowed through all the bureaucracy you're referring to.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow My breast center appointments are tomorrow. I'm calmer than usual before these things. I just dread it. I'm tired of being poked and prodded. But I'm getting used to it and it could be so much worse. And now I have to go catch a stinkbug. Hate those things.

How did your appointment go?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour That is hot! Fans feel nice, though. Maybe some iced tea or lemonade would also keep you cool. I recently made some homemade iced tea with fresh mint and it was a real treat. I do hope you can find a solution to your anxiety. Is there anything that's helped in the past, beyond just medications? Is the anxiety mostly from some situational or other cause, or does it seem to have no discernible cause?

Ahhh...iced tea with fresh mint sound divine. When I was a little girl I used to pick fresh mint all summer from our yard. I can still smell the scent of it.

Honestly, I have never found anything that truly helps with severe anxiety, except medication. Mindfulness, meditation, etc. - it's all helpful if my anxiety isn't out of control. The day that Sidney went hypo (very low glucose count) seemed to cause my brain to "remember" severe anxiety. Since then, it seems to be stuck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I got my blood test results. And the red blood count ones are still high. I was wondering if they would go down at all. So it looks like I'll for sure be starting phlebotomy on Thursday. My kidney function was also high as usual My gluocse was 108 which my mom said wasn't bad. Something called alkaline phosphatase was high. I googled it and it says it could possibly indicate an infection in my liver or my gallbladder. I know I've been having some pain mainly in my right side which I just assumed was pain from getting off my testosterone. My right side hurts pretty badly right now though so I'm not sure. I just read my results online. I didn't talk to anyone. If my doctor calls then I'll ask her if the blood level and pain are related and if I should be concerned. In her notes she called me "withdrawn" but a pleasent patient. Now I'm waiting to get a phone call about the blood results, if they will do that, or a message from my endocrinologist saying when I can go back on my testosterone. I feel anxious today and I have that pain but I'm glad theres legit reasons to why I'm feeling like this and that I'm not just going off the deep end. I guess my red blood count levels are higher then they were before. I don't get why they would be higher if the testosterone was the issue and I've been off that for over 3 weeks. Kinda freaks me out a bit. My mom says not to worry about it but she doesn't know why either. I always say I want to die before my mom or die then live through war but then when I think I'm dying I freak out about that just as much as the other stuff.

You are so courageous.

I took 25mg of Seroquel last night and slept well. I do have major hangover. I feel calmer, less anxiety. But it's usually the late afternoon when the severe anxiety hits, so I'll see how it goes today. I am going to call in a little while to ask for an earlier pdoc appt. Not likely, but I'll give it a shot.

The weather is very warm. Thankfully, there is a lovely breeze. I'm hoping not to have to drag out the fans yet, but we'll see how it feels this afternoon. Today was the first day I could catch the scent of the orange blossoms on the tree outside my kitchen window. Ohhh, what a delight! I could float away on that divine, sweet scent.

I'm going to avoid walking the stairs outside today, although I would like to take a walk. But going down the stairs is so painful right now and I want this leg issue to heal. So I will get some household chores done instead. If David doesn't come over tonight I will watch the movie I want to see - "The Favourite."

I wish I had a maid, I wish I had a cook, why wasn't I born into royalty

~**~*Great loads of orange blossoms falling from the sky all over the world!~**~*

Oh the orange blossoms scent sounds amazing!
I hope you didn’t have to drag the fans out @BethRags !
I must have missed it, what did you do to your leg? I’m so sorry, I hope it heals quickly!
Sending lots of hugs your way!

I made it through work ok! It wasn’t as anxiety invoking as I thought, maybe I am better? I’m in bed and it’s not even 8pm but I’m going to let myself have this because of being back at work today.
I’ve got plans to meet a friend for lunch then work again on Thursday. They’ve put me back very slowly!
Which I am glad of.
Everyone at work knows I’ve been off but not really anyone (maybe one or two) know why. Sometimes I want to shout my diagnosis from the rooftop and other times I don’t want a soul to know.
It’s so frustrating to have an illness that is so poorly understood
Anyway, hugs to you all!