Bipolar check-in #63

The buildings fire alarm went off at 7:30am while I was dead asleep. Ofcourse it woke me up so I grabbed my emergency go bag and stumbled half asleep out of my apartment to leave because we have to evacuate if it goes off in case there's a fire but it was just a test so I didn't have to go outside. I didn't know they were testing it today,no notifications were given. It pissed me off honestly because I was really tired and not in a good mood , But I went back to sleep right after.

I talked with my apartment case manager today. She said they're having bingo next week and asked if I wanted to call it. I said yes even though that makes me extremely anxious.

They're making corned beef and cabbage for everyone tomorrow to celebrate St. Patrick's day a day early. I'm looking forward to that.

Masks are no longer required in the building. They're not required anywhere here now, and no one wears them now in this part of New York accept in medical facilities and on public transportation.

I had plans to take a couple walks today and also get on the treadmill but I'm honestly just not in the mood right now. I'll do it tomorrow after the lunch thing.

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Well, Hubby and I will be in the US next month over Easter and to celebrate my dad's 80th b-day. It's booked and we have ideas for where we'll stay and what we'll do. We're not going to stay with family because my sister's and brother's (dad's) houses are catastrophe areas. Plus, my b-i-l would never want us and we flat out like our own living space. A friend once offered to host us, but again, we like our own "digs". We'll stay not too far from where we used to live and drive to family with a rental car. Then we'll head north and stay near NYC and finish with a sort of vacation there. Then back to Czechia. I just sent this news to my sister. I'll try calling my dad later. I look forward to a number of things!

Our plan is to drive from where we live in Czechia to Munich, Germany. From there we'll leave our car in the long-term parking, which is only about 40 Euros per week. Cheap. At least from Munich there is a non-stop flight to New Jersey, to and fro. When we return to Munich my husband will visit his brother who lives there. I will say that he has no real desire to visit his eldest sister, who also lives near Munich. Unfortunately, there's a bit of bad blood with her. I imagine she'll be angry when she learns that. And she will learn about it! My husband's brother's wife will make sure. His brother is even a little older than my father, and sick. When relatives get up in age, it always feels like a possible "last visit".

There is a version of the vaccine for older people that goes from age 27-45- I think- but unfortunately I'm too old for that.

My fwb and I are all out of sorts. It's likely that he already has HPV but he's still feeling unsure. He wrote me a nice email last night which I read at 6:30 this morning but that I didn't reply to until less than an hour ago. My reply was loving and heartfelt. No texts today though- from anybody. I still feel like there was a mix up at the lab even though I know that's likely not true.

I feel that way every time I talk with my dad on the phone. He lives in another state and it would be hard for me to go visit. Even if I did go visit the state of his health would probably shock and sadden me as he's not always with it over the phone and he has a number of health problems. Whenever we get off the phone, I always act as if this could be our last conversation and most of the time I tell him I love him as we are getting off the phone.

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Originally Posted by Miguel'smom So my parents are trying to get Miguel to move out. He needs to but he needs a job that pays well. I'm basically doing nothing. I'm so stressed. I have to take my dog to the vet tomorrow. She's old 12, I'm worried I'll have to put her down soon. She and the dog she's around a lot are acting weird so both are going to the vet. I also get my injection tomorrow too. I'm thinking others can read my thoughts. So I'm really quiet. So I don't know how Miguel moving out is going to effect us moving.

I'm sorry your having too much stress. I hope everything goes really well at the vet. I know well how anxiety producing vet visits can be.

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Originally Posted by otroo Just got back from a night ride in the high desert with my daughter. We talked forever and neither one of us cried we both had our silent moment mine was cause I was trying to not cry. It was a actually a nice healthy conversation we even laughed a couple of time. It was really nice of course I head home after I dropped her off I was depressed. But we got out of our heads for a couple of hours. Sent from my LM-T600 using Tapatalk

A night ride through the high desert...that sounds divine. Been a long time since I've done that (in a car, though).

Yeah this was in my truck lol.

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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 I am very restless today. I actually think it might be akathisia from the vraylar. It’s giving me the jaw spasm as well for sure. It happened twice yesterday and at some point during the night I bit my tongue in the same place I always bit it when I was on haldol with the jaw spasm. I want off it ASAP. It’s not helping very much and I do not want to develop TD. My roommate at the hospital had it (she was in her 60s and had been on APs for decades) and her mouth moved constantly. I don’t want that. I at least want to reduce my dose. I’ve been on cogentin a couple of times and I’m pretty sure it gave me blurry vision but it could have been lamictal as well, when I got new glasses I was fine. But still, if vraylar is not even helping then why take yet another med to control the side effects? I took a Xanax to control the restlessness and I feel better now. I’m in a better mood so far.maybe a bit below Baseline, I’d say. So maybe vraylar is helping? It’s hard to say, it’s been a wild ride with light switch changes. Hopefully I can maintain this mood today through tomorrow and maybe beyond. I was going to go to the tattoo shop and make an appointment to get my tattoo finished, and I was planning on getting a new ear piercing as well (tragus). But I’ll go tomorrow after php. I’m actually closer to the shop so it’ll be easy to just cross the bridge and go there.

Oooh, what is your tattoo? I have my forearms, hands, and lower legs tattooed. I love them!

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Originally Posted by Blue_Bird Glad you're feeling better. I hope you enjoy your new tattoo and piercing. I also have a tragus piercing and I love it I've been thinking about getting my nose re-pierced, I had it for a awhile but then I was inpatient in the hospital and they made me take it out, then I lost the stud and never got around to putting a new one in so it closed.

I had to take my nostril jewel out when I last went to the dentist. I get it, but the whole thing was really annoying. They act like nostril jewelry is cheap crap that isn't a big deal to lose. Well, I own some that was custom made and costly. I don't want to lose them! Sorry you lost yours, that sucks.

Grrr to the alarm going off at 7:30 a.m.!

Calling bingo sounds like fun! You'll do great

I quit smoking cigarettes and pot the 18th of December. The reason I quit smoking pot was my tolerance was really high and all the jobsvi want you get tested. Well I was given some the other day and smoked it first time since I quit. It really felt great but for like the last hour or so towards the end I started to feel really depressed I mean worse then I had already been. I decided to smoke again the next night and same thing. That was one of the reasons I posted that I was taking a break from social media and I am from other places but I got to thinking about it and this place is a healthy environment so I started back. Anyways to get back to the pot smoking I have decided to not smoke it anymore at least for a very long time it is bad enough going through what I am going through and to add more I can't do that.

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Happy thought though I woke up this morning and went to the bathroom. Well it was raining and I decided to lay back down it had to have been a hour or two that I laid there but it reminded me of my wife and how we would lay in bed listening to it rain. Yeah it made me a little sad but it made me happy. My wife and I had a really good relationship with each other. If I come off as our relationship was perfect well it was to her and I. But we had our rough spots and for like the last 10 years or so we were able work our problems out.

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There were light showers overnight, so I awoke to a fresh world that smells so lovely. But oh, how we need a real soaking of rain.

I ordered 2 under the bed storage containers from Amazon, they're arriving today. I'm going to store my warmer blankets in them and my Big Chore today is to go through clothes (yes, again) and put what I won't be wearing in this warmer weather into a storage container. I'm excited; I love organizing things. It feels so good when it's all done. And I have laundry to do, then work on the book business.

I'm still working with dear Sidney to get her glucose numbers lower - but not too low. She's almost transitioned to the new food (specifically for diabetic cats, made in small batches). I have to very slowly, week by week ideally, increase her insulin dose. Boy, it takes patience. The Feline Diabetic support group is amazing, admins very knowledgeable and supportive. They help me to remain patient.

Speaking of patience - UGGGGH! Zelenskiy is pleading for NATO to pass a no-fly zone; WHAT is NATO doing?!?! What about the Geneva Convention - is it only words on paper? Why is NATO allowing clear and obvious war crimes? Doesn't a stitch in time save nine?

*sigh*

Well, here I go to take a shower then get rolling on my chores.

Magic crystals that radiate love and peace to each of you

My mom told me about Kato Kaelin today. Funny stuff. She said "is he on one of those shows you watch?" I asked her since I don't remember the OJ trials. My mom thinks those shows are garbage that stupid people watch, but a lot of regular people watch them to escape the stress from their daily lives and even I don't watch them every day.

Anyways I went back to the used clothing store to get some basketball shorts I had seen earlier today. I didn't wear my mask this time. I had my baseball hat on. No one glanced at me or paid me any attention. Which made me feel good. Then my mom said "people don't just go around being rude to trans people." Um, yeah they do. All the time. And sometimes they do a lot more then just make rude comments. I just pass as male thats why I've never been harrased by anyone before.

I know my mom is just clueless but it can be annoying trying to educate her since she just doesn't get it sometimes.

Pretty irritable these days. I've given up on the Adderall because while it worked well in the beginning, I don't feel it's as effective as before and the idea of being on a controlled substance and being drug tested all the time is just more than I want to deal with. I've had issues with tiredness since I have stopped taking it but I am evening out again. The vraylar may or may not be helping me right now. It has a very long half life and can take some time to show effects of increases/decreases. I am irritable all the dang time. It's not a great place to be but it still is better than it was before I suppose. I'll talk to my therapist Friday about my decision to stop that medicine and my feelings. I have to see a new psychiatrist anyway, I highly doubt she's going to be that upset I'm asking to not take a controlled substance. If she is-- screw her. It's my body and I am entitled to stop a medicine I don't think is for me anymore (and that's where my irritability comes in lol)

I just received a phishing text telling me that my new credit card has had some unusual activity on it and to click included link. I called my credit card's bank who confirmed it was phishing and I emailed them a screenshot of the text as they suggested. I did NOT click the link and I texted my mom warning her in case she gets the same text as she and I have the same credit card. Be careful out there!

I also have several tattoos- inner wrist, one on each calf and one on each foot.

I'm sorry that your mom is ignorant when it comes to some trans issues. I'm glad you pass! My daughter got some sideways looks once when we went out to eat last year- made me mad for her but she just brushed it off.

You know your body best!

I've had awkward encounters with medical professionals not knowing I was trans until they started the test and noticed my top scars. Like EKG technicans slightly pausing once they see my scars. I had an ultrasound done a month ago and I am pretty sure they didnt know I was trans until they had me lift up my shirt because they seemed to be taken off guard at that point. I also got a new phone in November and my old account was in my deadname and I had to hand over my phone to the tech guy so he could transfer my info and yeah there was that same little pause where he stopped scrolling for a split second once he saw my deadname. All these times I've never been given any trouble but I am concerned of what would happen when I return to work and someone were to find out even though I do pass. So many crimes don't happen until after the person finds out your trans.

I am having a ok kind of day. It sucks though I can be sitting reading or something feeling kind of numb but I'm not crying so me that is good and then bam out of nowhere depression rears it's ugly head and bite me in the hind end and I am just depressed and I start crying.

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I'm pissed off with my old med manager I thought we had a decent relationship I had been seeing her for almost 10 years. When my wife passed away she gave me 2 different scripts for haldol and after the second one I did not ask for more. Sometime later my wife's insurance was cancelled so I called her to ask if I could go on the sliding scale for my payment until I got back on insurance and she never got A hold of me about it. Well I did get insurance but I was without it for a month or 2 then it started up again.
Now I was upset with her and decided to just use my regular for my scripts. Well last week I was really manic and depressed so I called her office to make an appointment for this week she won't call me back and I have decided to just totally quit her. I did call my regular doctors office today and asked if my doc could give me a referral to a therapist and a new med manager. My doctor is nice but you can tell she is not comfortable with psych.

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@otroo

That sounded nice about the rain. Maybe it's a sign that the turnaround is happening, where you eventually end up just being happy that you knew the person, and rarely sad.

@Mountaindewed

Maybe it will become so common, the way being gay has done, that nobody will think much about it. Everybody knows several gay people, everybody associates with people of other races, and as of about 5 years ago I knew a transgender person fairly well, and I'm in a state of the US generally considered backward. All this stuff matters less than humanity, and I think society as a whole is getting it. Slowly in some cases....
I'm not trying to minimize the problem. I've heard some hateful people. I've wondered, "What does it have to do with you? Do you think that because of your delicate little persnickety feelings another human being shouldn't live a good life?" Maybe one day soon I'll say that to them.

@BethRags

You busy bee! It reminds me of Mary Poppins and her song that included a bee while the children were cleaning up. Was it "A Spoonful of Sugar"? I think she helped out by magicking things away into drawers and wherever else they belonged.
"He takes a little nip from every flower that he sips"--I'd rather have the sweet flower juice. Remember to reward yourself! Too bad sugar is now bad for you.