Bipolar check-in #63

Slaying college

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Yeah I agree. I might put a little money into it and move to another state.


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Every time I see a picture of my wife I cry if she is smiling and the thing is she always smiling. I have some buddies that live north of me and one of them has like 20 acres of forest. He keeps offering for me to come out and go cave man. I think it would do me good probably be a month or so before I go but it gives me something to look forward to. Heck maybe I should ride my motorcycle up there might do me some good.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 Can You Have Sex When You Have HPV? | SELF This is a good article

Yes, it is a good article. Sounds like a disease you just need to be aware of and get regular checks.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 @BethRags I couldn't get myself to go to the gym :-/ but I did walk to pick my son up and then took a walk with him and RS. The walks made me feel a bit better. I was terribly depressed the whole day. Lots of SI and SH thoughts. Unfortunately I’ve taken to hitting my head recently. With my hand, not on a wall, but still. Not a good thing. I don’t want to get into the habit. There’s no way anyone can stop me from doing it, I mean it’s not like RS can hide my hands. And my normal route of SH takes effort, this doesn’t. I did color some more and that helped. I felt motivated to wash the dishes and put the laundry in after that.

((((BIG HUG for wfc))))

I cleaned out the fridge and took the trash out today. Amazing how much trash I had in my apartment- 3 bags full.

Anyways my daughter and her girlfriend are toxic she started telling me stories about their relationship and I started to realize I had never apologized to my ex wife for being the jerk I was and she did cheat on me but I was not a nice person to her we got along great in the beginning but my bipolar kicked in. I wrote her a email lol the first thing I wrote is I was not hitting on her I just went and gave her a big ol appology letter it was very nicely written and I took full blame I even told her she did not have to accept it or not. It was really good.

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Lol I understand that I used to bag up my trash but put it on the counter then I would take it out on Monday night because trash picked up on Tuesday.

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I live in an apartment complex and we have dumpsters that get emptied twice a week. I have to walk the bags down to the end of the building and today one of them was extra heavy because I'd cleaned out the fridge. Usually I only have two bags- garbage, boxes and cartons and the bathroom trash.

Just got back from a night ride in the high desert with my daughter. We talked forever and neither one of us cried we both had our silent moment mine was cause I was trying to not cry. It was a actually a nice healthy conversation we even laughed a couple of time. It was really nice of course I head home after I dropped her off I was depressed. But we got out of our heads for a couple of hours.

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@whatever2013

I hope you don't feel the way I did when I couldn't get health insurance because of what was then diagnosed as severe depression. I felt like DIRT. It passed though, like everything eventually does. And maybe you don't get that way about such things and are just disappointed, which passes even faster.
(If anyone is kindly worried, I am now Medicare age and they insure everybody, including me.)

Well, maybe that's it--your body is all mixed up because you're not finished with puberty.

I may finally have a field practicum placement!!!

So my parents are trying to get Miguel to move out. He needs to but he needs a job that pays well.

I'm basically doing nothing. I'm so stressed. I have to take my dog to the vet tomorrow. She's old 12, I'm worried I'll have to put her down soon. She and the dog she's around a lot are acting weird so both are going to the vet. I also get my injection tomorrow too. I'm thinking others can read my thoughts. So I'm really quiet. So I don't know how Miguel moving out is going to effect us moving.

Both my children are master manipulater my daughter is real good at it and the other thing she does she enjoys drama. None of it came out tonight on our drive but they do pop up during our messenging. I usually catch her in the beginning of it or it might take a few to catch on lol. When she says her deal when I answer her after I caught on I just start telling funny stories about her mother cause two of us can play the game. I love my kiddo.

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I quit smoking pot Dec.18th well I smoked some the other day it was my guilty pleasure in life but it made me even more depressed so I decided to just quit long term.

My husband and I are thinking of visiting my family and friends in the US next month. Perhaps we'll go around Easter. My father turns 80 years old soon after. It would be nice to be there for those events. Before I told my sister, she wrote that she planned to do very little for his big birthday. Typical of my sister and brother! If we go, perhaps either Easter or my dad's birthday could be bumped up a notch in terms of festivities. I've not seen any of them for over a year. I barely saw Dad without a mask on (and vice versa) for over two. When I left the US, the pandemic was so bad that I had to yell goodbye to him through a closed window. After we return to Europe, we may head to France after a brief rest in CZ.

The other day, I told Hubby that I feel a bit deprived of affection. It's not that he gives me none, but I still need more. I have convinced him that our next pet (after we move) should be a cat and not a parrot. I love parrots, dearly, but cats were always a better personality match for me. Cats are a bit less work, for sure, under normal circumstances. I did acknowledge some of the negatives of cat ownership, but still think they are the least compared to other pets. Some reasons we wouldn't adopted now include our upcoming travel plans, the stress that would surround a move, and that this place is too close to a busy road and there are stray cats everywhere here. That or people just let them out all of the time. Though I know the negatives of letting a pet cat outside unleased, I'm not opposed to it on occasion, depending on the circumstances. Initially Hubby was just saying I need to make some friends here. Yes, I do, but they wouldn't give me the extra physical affection a cat would. I want more kisses and cuddling. I won't cheat on him! After 23 years of hubby's choice of pets, it's time for mine. He's never had a cat to really know about them. I have. I lost mine when I was at university...30 years ago.

I got the gardasil vaccine when I was about 28 I think… I’m 39 now. I don’t know how old you are but was it available to you earlier? I just had a look and here it’s recommended for certain ages but anyone can get it. Different countries have different policies I guess.

The haemoglobin is a touchy thing. When mine was too low and I needed transfusions I was high risk for a heart attack too. You’re too high and at risk.

I feel a little bit crappy today. I took my normal 30 mil 3 layer melatonin at my normal 4PM time yesterday. I was very tired. I don't know if its a time change thing or a change in hormone thing. I fell asleep though at my normal time. I then woke up at 10. I was hungry but I didn't feel like eating anything. So I waited around until 12:30 and I tried opening a can of zero sugar caffeine free Coke but the top was dented I couldnt get it opened and figured I might be at risk for possible boutilism anyways. So I took a 4th melatonin and my AM topamax but I didn't drink enough water with the topamax. I fell asleep fairly quickly and I woke up at 4 feeling ok but feeling the affects from not having enough water with the topamax. Plus I was still super hungry. So I shoveled in a giant can of chicken and dumplings in 5 minutes and the can had 3,120 mil of sodium and now I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack for a few reasons. I took my first valium late and I've only had one 7.5oz can of zero sugar Coke and one 16.5oz Coke to help with my tiredness. I'm drinking water now and hoping the valium kicks in.

I am very restless today. I actually think it might be akathisia from the vraylar. It’s giving me the jaw spasm as well for sure. It happened twice yesterday and at some point during the night I bit my tongue in the same place I always bit it when I was on haldol with the jaw spasm. I want off it ASAP. It’s not helping very much and I do not want to develop TD. My roommate at the hospital had it (she was in her 60s and had been on APs for decades) and her mouth moved constantly. I don’t want that. I at least want to reduce my dose.

I’ve been on cogentin a couple of times and I’m pretty sure it gave me blurry vision but it could have been lamictal as well, when I got new glasses I was fine. But still, if vraylar is not even helping then why take yet another med to control the side effects?

I took a Xanax to control the restlessness and I feel better now. I’m in a better mood so far.maybe a bit below Baseline, I’d say. So maybe vraylar is helping? It’s hard to say, it’s been a wild ride with light switch changes. Hopefully I can maintain this mood today through tomorrow and maybe beyond.

I was going to go to the tattoo shop and make an appointment to get my tattoo finished, and I was planning on getting a new ear piercing as well (tragus). But I’ll go tomorrow after php. I’m actually closer to the shop so it’ll be easy to just cross the bridge and go there.

Glad you're feeling better. I hope you enjoy your new tattoo and piercing. I also have a tragus piercing and I love it I've been thinking about getting my nose re-pierced, I had it for a awhile but then I was inpatient in the hospital and they made me take it out, then I lost the stud and never got around to putting a new one in so it closed.

@wildflowerchild25 I don't blame you for wanting off the vraylar. My IP pdoc said he's never seen anyone stay on it for more than three months because the akathisia is so bad. It did help me a little bit but I couldn't stand the restlessness so it was not worth it at all.

I'm doing better today. I think the thorazine helped yesterday. Or depakote works really fast. Or both are helping. I don't know, I'm not gonna question it I'm just going to enjoy it.

I really wanted to try Taco Bells cinnabon iced coffee. Yeah that was a mistake. I felt very sick right after. But I didn't feel nauseated at all when I went non dairy for 3 days. So I guess I found the problem. I just now took a zofran and am hanging out in bed. I went out for a bit but it was pretty crowded so I didn't get to all my stops. I have no idea why I am getting more anxious and nervous about leaving my house the more weight I lose and the better I start looking. It doesn't really make any sense.

Tbh the more I think about it, it could mainly just be the transphobic state rental car we are driving that is making me nervous to be out.

Uuughhh. I didn’t know it was so common. And it lasts in the blood for so long…I’m going to demand to be taken off of it and I really don’t want to be on another AP unless I get paranoid again.