Bipolar check-in #64

Just got back from my first aqua fitness class in months. At first I stopped because of omicron then when I tried to get back in I was on long wait lists. Last week motion vibe the app they use screwed up and made two classes. So I thought they had decided to double the classes so everyone could get in, but alas it was a mistake. So I did get to speak to the instructor and she said everyone was getting up at 5 am to sign up. So I managed twice to do that. I really like the class and it brightens my mood but gees getting up at 5 is for the birds!

Guess I'll update everyone on how I'm doing.

1) I had to quit my job. The panic attacks got too severe and I couldn't force myself to go to a place that invoked so much pain and fear. I did give it a valiant effort, I did all the breathing techniques I knew. I did muscle relaxation techniques, I did a lot of stuff and I will give it merit, it helped some but it just wasn't enough. I'm pretty bummed about it. I think it's time to look into disability.

2) A positive, I did get my glasses/contacts in last week which is just one less thing I have to worry about. Funny story-- I have to wear kids frames because my nose bridge is apparently too small to fit regular sized frames on it LOL.I am both ashamed and excited that my backup pair glasses include a batman insignia hahaha. I'm wearing my glasses now to get used to them. My glasses correct for an astigmatism (not a huge difference in lens strength but it is large enough to make it a bit wonky at first. My contacts aren't prescribed the same, instead they keep them the same strength. ).

3) I have some problematic relationships in my life I can't seem to get rid of. I'm gonna suffer until I end it, but I just can't bring myself to do that.

4) I have to see a new provider this week and explain going off adderall and all of that and I'm very very nervous about it.

5) I'm acting reckless and clumsily and willing to do radical things because I just don't feel like myself. I can't explain it.

That's about it, nothing really worth noting I guess other than another failure to try to work. Thanks for reading.

I’m sorry winds that blow.

Pinny, I hope you heal well. I'm so glad you're here

(I hardly have any time online today after ''too much'' time for a couple of days)

(Partly because of an old injury to my arm. I broke it when I was little

I think that Papa bear and I both have tennis elbow or something similar. Mine is my left elbow. I broke that arm when I was eight and they set it very wrongly. They decided not to operate again (at least I think so) It does not look different but certain (many?) movements are much more difficult. I do not want to talk to a doctor about this. If it became much worse I would. It's ''just a nuisance'' right now, probably. (I was told severe eczema, ear infections are ''a nuisance''... one way of looking at it I guess. As I was concerned about passing on very severe eczema and extreme allergies to a baby/child this was not helpful to me.

Sorry about (another) rant.

I'm kind of crabby today. Visibly today. and not feeling 100% physically. I woke up this way. I fell asleep a lot later then normal because I was watching the Oscars. Although I fell asleep before the Will Smith drama. Around 9AM I wanted a giant burger from Sonic. But I took 4 bites before I became full. Then my mom wanted to get out and do some stuff so the 3 of us went out for a few hours. I went to Old Navy and got a plain black hat and a couple pairs of jeans. I was just crabby and anxious and lightheaded and my mom said it was because I needed to eat. I just wanted to go home. We finally decided to go to Outback where I got a 6oz sirloin and some broccoli. The waitress kept calling me a "gentleman" and "sir" and it made me feel good emotionally but I was in too much of a blah mood physically to care much. But I ate lunch and I still feel dizzy so I'm not totally sure it was just because I needed to eat. I am on my way home now where I plan on vegging out in bed. I lost another pound or so from yesterday putting me at my short term goal I've had since October 2020. Part of my weight loss happened through medication. Getting off things and switching other things around. Part of its stress. I'm the opposite of a stress eater. I'm not entirely sure how some of its happened though if I'm being honest.

I hope Elliot Page was ok with that clip they showed from Juno. I hope he agreed for them to show it. He seemed very uncomfortable last night and I felt bad for him. But who knows what goes on in Hollywood these days. I once heard a saying on a TV show "you gotta play the game to get the fame" I hope that was not the case last night and he agreed to everything.

Edit: Sorry for the tmi but just now my pee was bright yellow on the toilet paper and it has been burning all the time for a couple days and theres been these little foamy bits. Yeah, I'm not taking care of this until it gets real bad. I am frigging tired of doctors and tests and procedures. Makes sense why I'm going nonstop and feel so tired right now though. But hopefully it just passes on its own. I'm not even going to tell my mom although she has known I haven't been feeling well today. At lunch she said it looked like I was going to fall asleep at the table.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Just got back from my first aqua fitness class in months. At first I stopped because of omicron then when I tried to get back in I was on long wait lists. Last week motion vibe the app they use screwed up and made two classes. So I thought they had decided to double the classes so everyone could get in, but alas it was a mistake. So I did get to speak to the instructor and she said everyone was getting up at 5 am to sign up. So I managed twice to do that. I really like the class and it brightens my mood but gees getting up at 5 is for the birds!

Good for you! Aqua fitness sounds so lovely to me. I wish we had such a program here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by otroo Yeah I have 2 sisters and one brother. My sister died of bone cancer on 1/4/20. My brother was murdered 6/24/20. Just me and my favorite sister lol. Sent from my SM-S901U using Tapatalk

You have had too much loss. I'm so sorry.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu I’m also the baby of 3. All girls. I was an only from 12 on, but it seemed longer cause I was the only one downstairs. Both of the sisters had their bedroom upstairs. I loved being alone. I don’t know where my sisters were, friends houses? my oldest sister probably moved out already, but starting age 8-9 I was left in the house alone for Labor Day weekend. I watched the jerry Lewis telethon from beginning to end. I wasn’t really alone I had my dog and pony.

Yep, we're both youngest sisters. I used to love the Jerry Lewis telethon! Watched it faithfully every year when I was a kid.

It rained all night!! Real rain, not just "showers." We used to get rain for 2 or 3 days straight, but that hasn't happened in many years. Still, any rain is a blessing. It seems to be stopping now, though. I'm so tired, but I have to get it together and go over to DMV to renew my expired license. My picture will be short of gorgeous with being sleepy and having rained-on hair, but meh.

I usually enjoy watching the Academy Awards, it's relaxing and I like to look at the clothes. But last night was the worst show ever! And that fiasco with Will Smith and Chris Rock...kinda ruined Will Smith winning the Oscar. I also thought it was wrong that there was no mention of the war.

The extra Gabapentin is, so far, helpful with lessening that awful anxiety. During the time that I was so terribly anxious I ripped my cuticles badly. My hands are in pain from it.

Ugh. I wish I had hope of a nap this afternoon.


Sparkly love vibes all around ~**~**~***

NO siblings. I've always hated that. Maybe that is ONE of the reasons I'm so ****ed up

''My therapist'' told me

''You have always been alone''

**** you, loser snake therapist

This is not ''just a nuisance''.. it's boring as hell though and I hate it, and I hate me. And I hate sharing any medical stuff. I've got so much of it, probably like many here. UGH at me

Those telethons were the ending of summer. School used to start right afterwards. I remember it being a big deal to stay up all night. That year mum asked me what I wanted for food and I made a watermelon boat. My first one.

Wishing for hope of a nap. For both of us

I wonder how many other ''only'' ''children'' (for want of a better term) are completely ****ed up. To add to the pernicious **** I have two half siblings who are malignant ****.

I do not ''blame'' the mother for all her many failures. She blamed me for everything though. And as a covert Narcissist she convinced the whole of the FOO that I was the monster she imagined in her mind.... who deserved the many years of Punishment.. or even Life ''Imprisonment''..... how awful for her to have been so Disappointed in her only offspring Poor lady I wish I had had more empathy for her, maybe just maybe that might have allowed her to have SOME empathy for me. But I doubt it

My father was The Little Prince who never grew up. With an ego the size of.... ?

A Very Important Person.

A high IQ and a miniscule EQ.

I had two drs appointments, one with gynecology and one with my ortho. My gyno isn't concerned about the bleeding, said that's normal after an IUD. Still, it's been a month of light-moderate bleeding and it's getting old. My ortho says it's okay for me to move up to partial weight bearing, so using my crutches but putting a little pressure on my leg. Exciting!

ALSO we got snow!

Thanks for sharing Sapien.

Snow, how cool

Wondering again, where did they all go? bluebicycle and the others.

I will have to find out how to use that @ feature (I guess....)

I'm sending hugs and love I'm also grateful for people who understand me, provide support for me and aren't quick to judge

Sweet dreams

Well yes of course I need a root canal. Have to go to the oral surgeon and the soonest appt is the 6th. So Tylenol and Aleve ongoing and I can’t even think about adding 1300 to my already 1200 for the crown. Thank god for Care Credit to finance all this.

I got out of the car to get the mail and I fell down. I have fallen 6-7 times in the last couple months. I either get dizzy or more so I just trip over things.

I was found to have a Adnoma on my pituitary gland 4 years ago. I was having trouble walking straight at the time and it was found on brain MRI. Endocrinologist specialist at Vanderbilt said he didn’t think it would be a problem. But to keep close watch. I have a brain MRI yearly to check for charges. I’m due in June. So I dunno maybe that’s gotten larger? I hope not.

I’m just all kinds of aggravated. I want to go the bed and just stay there for a couple months or a year

Hope everyone’s week is off to a good start

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Love you Fuzzy

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Love you Christina

Thanks I appreciate that.

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Pituitary gland Adnoma? I was told I had something similar (they called it a ''tumour'' but that was a crap GP. Nothing showed up on the MRI. I had blood tests and high prolactin was found repeatedly, when we were trying for a baby.

A GP sent me for an X RAY ...

The hospital told Papa bear and I ..

''We have not done X RAYS for this for many years...''

Yikes

I hope you will be ok

Much love Christina

PS I was told I needed a root canal but the dentist said there were other options as the severe pain had stopped and it had become a ''chronic low grade infection''.... I decided to go for the root canal but the dentist I was referred to told me his ''success rate'' and although he was a lovely person who actually listened to me.... he said he thought it might be better to go to the specialist who only performed root canals (multiple visits...) or it would be ''safe'' to leave it as the pain wasn't severe.

Eventually I had to have the tooth pulled. (sorry if tmi)... it's fine now. It's the only tooth I've had pulled, its a back tooth and the dentist said it's healing well.

I'm sorry about all the falls

Staying in bed for a few months, a year or longer, sounds appealing ...if only to avoid all the aggravating **** ......

Much love

I had a rough and depressing day. I had to meet up with a lawyer to work on my wife's stuff then I had to go to the corners office to request her autopsy report and toxicology report. That was real hard I am surprised that I was able to make it in there. I waited till I got in my truck to cry. I still wake up hoping it was all a nightmare but it's not. I am more depressed the last 3 or 4 weeks compared to the month before but I think I was just numb those days. Reality really set in when I had that death certificate in my hand. I did read it but that took a few days before I could look at it. I really hate this and u don't wish this on my worst enemy. Thank you everyone in here your support means the world to me.

My little dog has not been feeling good since last week. I don't know how long he will it make cause he has a heart condition and it is getting worse. My other dog is like 15 and blind and if I am not home she has panic attacks and will go hide in my bath tub cause the noises she hears scares her. I will probably have to put her down soon. Boy when it rains it pours. I don't know if I can handle this but I will give it my best shot.

I really want a cigarette but I have not smoked since Dec.18th and I won't start again cause it was really hard to quit this time. I'm ready to run away.
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