Bipolar check-in #64

~Christina · Apr 03, 2022, 04:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by otroo

I never knew I would be this alone in my entire life I celebrated 7 years of no suicidal ideation 4 months no alcohol and 3 months no cigarettes. I have really been craving a smoke though. I really miss my wife if I ever get diagnosed with something terminal I will just let it take me.

I am really angry at my wife for dying we had big plans and things were progressing pretty good then she had to go and die on me.

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I’m so sorry

Grief will walk you through all kinds of emotions as you try and process it all.

Good for you not falling back into destructive habits.

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~Christina · Apr 03, 2022, 04:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BethRags

I ordered a bamboo blanket for my bed because it's going to heat up (ugh, Wednesday is predicted to be 90 degrees). The bamboo sheets and blankets are inexpensive and so soft and cooling. The color of mine is "dusty coral" (hope it's not bright orange ). I'm waiting for it to be delivered today so I can wash it and use it tonight.

I'm anxious about my appointment on Tuesday with my rotten pdoc. I feel like every time I see her I'm facing a showdown. It's ridiculous.

New pdoc: "So, what are you in treatment for?
Me: "Um, I have severe anxiety because of my current psychiatrist..."

And it's outrageous that the clinic doesn't hire a new psychiatrist who is here, rather than one who lives in Washington and can only do telehealth. If it works out with a new provider, boy, am I ever going to write a letter of complaint to the clinic.

At the risk of sounding silly, I'm upset about the fiasco that happened at the Academy Awards. I've looked forward to and watched the show every year since I was a little girl. I've liked seeing the dresses, mostly, and seeing some of my favorite actors. I've never had a good feeling about Will Smith, and I felt bad for Chris Rock when Will Smith hit him. The law in this state is that if you hit someone it's battery and you get arrested. But Chris Rock talked the cops out of arresting Will Smith, unfortunately. For those of us who grew up in a home where there was a lot of violence the whole ordeal is unnerving. It keeps sticking in my mind.

It's so good to "see" you all. I hope JANE checks in.

Stay golden! Love vibes to all ~**~**~***

Oooo Beth I really need to order a blanket from Bamboo sounds like it would be just “ enough”

I so hope the new pdoc works out wonderfully. YES you need to write a complaint to the clinic about Tele-help no body -health visit provider. Surely you are not the only person having problems.

I’ll admit I gave up watching award shows long ago. They just aren’t the same classy events.

Much love

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~Christina · Apr 03, 2022, 04:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I am awake enough to say thank you all for the support with my biopsy Thursday. I've been quite tired since although not as bad as the first one of this type.

This one was mentally harder. For one thing it is just not very comfortable. I don't know why they don't make the table more like a massage table as Beth suggested. My guess is they don't want you to be able to watch the procedure. They also angle your head up a bit and that may be necessary for some reason. They say they give you a pillow but it's about 1/4" thick so the word "pillow" is sort of an overstatement. Getting onto the table and insto position is interesting...you climb up and then scootch around until only the correct breast is in the hole and your arms and head are in specific positions. It's not a graceful experience.

I'm not super happy about how it was done. There was a radiologist and a resident or med student. The resident/med student did the procedure with step-by-step directions from the doctor. That's fine. I have no problems with people learning on me. What I did not like is I was never introduced to him and since you have to walk around the table to be seen I never saw him. The doctor walked around the table but only after the procedure. I would have preferred to see her before people started cutting my breast. Small thing but annoying. I hope I get a survey so I can comment on this.

Now I'm just waiting. I should hear sometime after Tuesday.

Again, thank you all who have supported me. Hopefully this comes to an end April 25. Well, that's surgery day and then it will be a few more days for pathology. So by April 30 realistically.

(((((((((( Rainbow))))))))))

I’m so glad this part of needed surgery is done. That is an odd contraption and certainly not the less bit comfortable but yes I’m guess there’s many reasons for it. I’m ok with med students or residents working on me also. But they should introduce themselves for goodness sake.

I’m praying that you get your results quickly and your surgery date will get here as fast as possible and you can get all this behind you. You have simply been through far too much.

Hang in there as well as you can. Is Abby being a snuggle bug ?

x a million

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~Christina · Apr 03, 2022, 04:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BethRags

I'm not having a bad day, it's just that I had a bad...flashback ?? Dissociation ?? I guess. Ugh, I have to try to recall how to do the trigger thing.

Okay, I can't find it on google or on this forum. So I'll just say that the following contains a memory of mine that could be triggering to others. So please don't read this if you're going to be triggered. (It's about abuse.)

Possible trigger:

When I was 14 my mom had to have surgery to replace her aortic heart valve. It was a new type of surgery back then, so she was in the hospital for a month I had to stay at home with my step-father, who was an extremely violent person (and alcoholic) and had been sexually abusing me for 3 years, since I was 11. The thing was, it was in April when my mom was in the hospital that time. I don't remember the date, only that it was April. I would wear really tight Levi's so he couldn't get his hand in them. But that day, it was in the late afternoon, he was really fighting me. I was really fighting him. I remember seeing his hand on my belt, trying to undo it. The long hallway was in front of me, the few stairs going down to the living room were to my left. The foyer to the front door was to my right. The dining room was slightly to the right and behind me, but I was stuck and couldn't move away from this small part of wall that was directly behind me. I don't know. I won't continue because I really don't want to freak anybody out, but you get the general idea. Sexual abuse.

It's just that all of a sudden I remembered that today. I remembered how I'd take off and roller skate around the city, all over the place, especially downtown. I felt so free on my skates.

I looked in the mirror, and here I am 59 years old. Honestly, I don't look that old, but I am that age. Yet, I felt like I was that girl for a while. I was remembering that constant feeling of wanting to escape my life at home. Luckily, I loved being in high school. So that part was good.

Yuck. I wish I would not have thought of all this stuff. *shiver* btw, he's dead. Thank God.

Thanks for listening.

This breaks my heart that you had to go through something so evil. I’ve had times I’m right back to age 6 and it’s so frightening. I wish I had magic words but I don’t. It’s just something that we can try to leave in the past as much as possible.

I’m hear if you ever need an ear or a shoulder

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Sunflower123 · Apr 03, 2022, 04:58 PM

Today is my brother’s birthday. We were going to take him out to eat at Red Lobster for his favorite meal. Me and mom. Mom invited my sister and BIL. I said no, I wouldn’t go as it’s too soon after being attacked. Mom tried to guilt me into going. I went straight to my brother and explained the situation to him since he was attacked as well that day. We all were. He and I are now looking forward to going out to Red Lobster just he and I for a nice meal when I get paid. Problem solved. I’m just not going to be around someone so abusive that can’t control themselves.

I’ve made progress on my project today and enjoyed some sunshine.

I hope everyone has a peaceful evening. Hugs to all!

~Christina · Apr 03, 2022, 05:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I'm still feeling like I'm in the calm before the storm. I'm glad Hubby and I found some gifts for my family members. I think we have more to get for friends. I've had to discourage Hubby from certain items that are flat out too big to fit into our luggage. I fear we'll look like we're moving to the US with the number of suitcases he'll likely need. At least we'll likely have plenty of room in them for stuff we'll bring back to CZ with us. Some things I want may sound strange, but I miss products like Better Than Bouillon bouillon pastes, Franks Red Hot sauce, waxed paper and Glad PressNSeal. The hot sauces you easily find in CZ tend to be South Asian, some Mexican, or Tabasco. Yea, my desired stuff is all culinary-related.

I have little else to say about my situation. I'm sure the visit will yield a mixture of very good and maybe stressful stuff.

I absolutely understand that you are missing many things you just can’t find in CZ. I would stock up for the return trip home. Are you excited about your trip ?

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~Christina · Apr 03, 2022, 05:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Today is my brother’s birthday. We were going to take him out to eat at Red Lobster for his favorite meal. Me and mom. Mom invited my sister and BIL. I said no, I wouldn’t go as it’s too soon after being attacked. Mom tried to guilt me into going. I went straight to my brother and explained the situation to him since he was attacked as well that day. We all were. He and I are now looking forward to going out to Red Lobster just he and I for a nice meal when I get paid. Problem solved. I’m just not going to be around someone so abusive that can’t control themselves.

I’ve made progress on my project today and enjoyed some sunshine.

I hope everyone has a peaceful evening. Hugs to all!

Good for you not wanting to be around your Sister ! I’m sure you and your brother will have a lovely time with no drama

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Nammu · Apr 03, 2022, 05:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I like some jazz music too. It isn't a genre I have listened to much though. Can you recommend any I could listen to? I did 3 loads of laundry today and threw out some old clothes. (two of the loads were one item, so not really a load)

I just listen to the jazz station but I can’t hear well enough to understand the intros to the music. I used to have a huge number of jazz CDs from reader’s digest that had the old masters from the 30s and 40’s those were very good. Though he’s not really jazz I like Kenny G on his trumpet.

otroo · Apr 03, 2022, 05:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BethRags

So my bamboo blanket came and it's sooo soft and silky and the color is pretty! A subdued coral. Definitely not bright orange .

Where did you order it from?

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otroo · Apr 03, 2022, 05:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I’m so sorry

Grief will walk you through all kinds of emotions as you try and process it all.

Good for you not falling back into destructive habits.

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Thank you I appreciate it.

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otroo · Apr 03, 2022, 05:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Today is my brother’s birthday. We were going to take him out to eat at Red Lobster for his favorite meal. Me and mom. Mom invited my sister and BIL. I said no, I wouldn’t go as it’s too soon after being attacked. Mom tried to guilt me into going. I went straight to my brother and explained the situation to him since he was attacked as well that day. We all were. He and I are now looking forward to going out to Red Lobster just he and I for a nice meal when I get paid. Problem solved. I’m just not going to be around someone so abusive that can’t control themselves.

I’ve made progress on my project today and enjoyed some sunshine.

I hope everyone has a peaceful evening. Hugs to all!

My sis was a very toxic person I won't go into the why. After a big family argument my wife and I just stopped all communications with her. I alway worried that I would regret that decision for if she died before me. Well she did die from cancer and I did shed a few tears when I found out but that was practically it. It had been 15 years since her and I had communicated and I honestly don't regret putting her out of my life.

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*Beth* · Apr 03, 2022, 05:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

.... I am glad I am my own person and have my own sense of self and don't mirror anyone.

Absolutely

*Beth* · Apr 03, 2022, 05:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I usually watch everything but I have to admit that this is one I wouldn't want to see as it's quite bloody. I have 8 steri-strips and it took them about 10 minutes of pressure to get the bleeding to stop. Blood doesn't bug me but that's a lot. They showed me the screen where each of my biopsies have been and there was a good bit of bleeding inside too.

I actually never had a pelvic with a plastic speculum. Not that I had a lot of them. I think I only had about 4 pelvics before the 18 months before my hysterectomy. During that time i I had a number of them. And now I don't get them. Which is good since I have a feeling I'll be getting diagnostic mammograms and ultrasounds every 6 months for a very long time after all this and that's enough, especially since I'll now be going to my current place and it's a 2.5 hour drive each way. But whatever keeps me healthy.

Oh, wow...that much blood is definitely unnerving.

Yes - all the mammograms and ultrasounds are more than enough without having to do pelvics, too. I need to make an appointment to get one, I'm overdue.

*Beth* · Apr 03, 2022, 05:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu

It turned out to be a mostly nice day. Still colder than average but at least above 32F and mostly sunny. I got my sheets washed and in the dryer. So hopefully I’ll have my bed made before my sister gets here. We’re going to a jazz music show. It’s only $10 for seniors so my treat. I like jazz mostly it’s just music, no words so I can sit back and relax.

Oooh, that sounds lovely! Enjoy

*Beth* · Apr 03, 2022, 05:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Mostly sunny day today (very cold) Throwing out some old clothes today (not fun) Supper will be soon, since I can't take most meds I can indulge in some wine with our fish!

What kind of wine, Fuzzy? I have only drank alcohol a few times in my life, but lately I've been thinking about trying some wine. But I have no idea of what type of wine to try.

*Beth* · Apr 03, 2022, 05:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina

This breaks my heart that you had to go through something so evil. I’ve had times I’m right back to age 6 and it’s so frightening. I wish I had magic words but I don’t. It’s just something that we can try to leave in the past as much as possible.

I’m hear if you ever need an ear or a shoulder

Christina. Thank you. It's heartbreaking that so many of us should have memories of evil from what should have been sweet childhoods. My husband's childhood was about as ideal as a childhood could be. It amazes me.
I'm giving you love

*Beth* · Apr 03, 2022, 05:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by otroo

Where did you order it from?

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Amazon. They have a lot of bamboo sheets and blankets, and the prices are decent.

*Beth* · Apr 03, 2022, 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Today is my brother’s birthday. We were going to take him out to eat at Red Lobster for his favorite meal. Me and mom. Mom invited my sister and BIL. I said no, I wouldn’t go as it’s too soon after being attacked. Mom tried to guilt me into going. I went straight to my brother and explained the situation to him since he was attacked as well that day. We all were. He and I are now looking forward to going out to Red Lobster just he and I for a nice meal when I get paid. Problem solved. I’m just not going to be around someone so abusive that can’t control themselves.

I’ve made progress on my project today and enjoyed some sunshine.

I hope everyone has a peaceful evening. Hugs to all!

I am so happy for you for setting and keeping your boundary. I think it sounds wonderful to have dinner with just your brother.

*Beth* · Apr 03, 2022, 06:13 PM

I bought a flag for my front door that says I stand with Ukraine. I believe there is a lot more going on than we know. I cannot understand how the situation can keep happening. We have a big world with a tremendous amount of military power. What is it for, if not to protect vulnerable people?

Ah, well, the story of the human race goes in circles, it is not linear.

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow (if she doesn't cancel). I'm hoping I hear from the new clinic regarding an appointment. I see that b**** pdoc on Tuesday. I don't know what's the matter with me...I feel such hatred for her.

I must call my sister today. I haven't spoken with her since her birthday in late January. And it's not about her that I haven't called, I am just not a phone person.

Wheee! Sparkly silver and gold confetti over each one of us!

Nammu · Apr 03, 2022, 06:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BethRags

What kind of wine, Fuzzy? I have only drank alcohol a few times in my life, but lately I've been thinking about trying some wine. But I have no idea of what type of wine to try.

I’m really really picky about my wine and don’t like most but when I ordered a box fulll to try I got a Riesling from Germany called Clean Slate. It was so good. It’s unfortunate I can’t buy it locally but I’m checking out the sites that carry it. It’s a nice clean no sweet taste. Just thought I’d throw this out there. Don’t have a clue about anything else.

Nammu · Apr 03, 2022, 06:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BethRags

Amazon. They have a lot of bamboo sheets and blankets, and the prices are decent.

Thanks. Just ordered one, lavender. I really need two but I decided on one to see what it’s like first. Both of my blankets are old and fraying at the edge.

….and thanks for the sparkle ✨

HALLIEBETH87 · Apr 03, 2022, 07:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I honestly think I am as addicted to it as you can get to a non addictive substance. Even though that makes no sense.

I take it too. My dr told me to take a week
Off the. Start again. You build a tolerance to it

Victoria'smom · Apr 03, 2022, 07:52 PM

So our tire has a flat I'm hoping it can be fixed by Tuesday because that's I see my T. I don't know how we are going to pay for that. This whole thing is stressful. I still haven't got my meds in the mail this month. I have 1 AD left. I don't get why they're so slow. I'm strechy, can't think without my music. I don't want to go through this with a brand new T to me. It's lucky I'm quiet but pressured speech and my bouncing leg is a clear sign. Plus its day 3 into the month and I pretty much spent all our money. I'm talking about the possibility of over drafting to get everything that is needed. But then next month will be super tight. I don't know how to do this without spending a bunch. I'm eating a lot too. I hate that I'm learning more about SzA because of family. I still am full of guilt for what I've done in my past but I'm not S anymore. So that's good. I still want to SH. but you can't win them all. This has taken me all day to write because I keep getting distracted.

*Beth* · Apr 03, 2022, 08:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu

Thanks. Just ordered one, lavender. I really need two but I decided on one to see what it’s like first. Both of my blankets are old and fraying at the edge.

….and thanks for the sparkle ✨

The lavender is so pretty. I almost went for that one, but the dusty coral matched other stuff. Let me know how you like it!

We have one of the largest wine growing regions in the world just 40 miles from where I live. It's the Napa and Sonoma Valleys. Gorgeous country and vineyards everywhere. But I saw people drinking wine in a French film, so I got the idea to try french wine

Nammu · Apr 03, 2022, 08:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BethRags

The lavender is so pretty. I almost went for that one, but the dusty coral matched other stuff. Let me know how you like it!

We have one of the largest wine growing regions in the world just 40 miles from where I live. It's the Napa and Sonoma Valleys. Gorgeous country and vineyards everywhere. But I saw people drinking wine in a French film, so I got the idea to try french wine

Ah, French! Ever see Amelie?

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Bipolar check-in #64

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