Bipolar check-in #64

Unfortunately I have been on benzos for22 years. We keep trying to taper down and then every time something happens and I have to go back up. First my bio father and then my non-bio father died about 18 months apart. Then I got down to 1.25 and was doing well on that and about to lower to 1.0 and all this breast crap happened and I had to increase my daily dose to 1.5 and PRNs were encouraged instead of trying to not use them. So after this is over I have to begin the taper process again.

Thanks for sharing my countdown!

Tbh in our 3.5 years together he has never been anything less than supportive and loving, but I guess he’s really feeling the stress. He definitely shouldn’t have said it because I am already feeling too dependent on him and something like that just kind of sealed the deal for me - now I won’t be telling him anything unless my clinician is going to tell him first. It’s going to tip our relationship into an unhealthy stage. But hopefully I might be able to work it out with my clinician the reason for my hyper independence anyway.

I feel a ton better after starting my new pain med antacid thing. I can eat but it doesnt make me ravenous. I can just go back to my normal dieting. I went out to the grocery store this morning. I got the last 2 chicken dunk lunchables they had and a few other things. I also managed to go into the library by myself to pickup 2 Stephen King books I put on hold for my mom that I know she hasn't read. She was just reading the same ones and claiming she hadn't read them. But I knew of 2 she hadn't read which she also said she hadn't read. Then we also stopped at the gas station and I got the new flamin hot Mountain Dew. I am not totally sure drinking spicy Mountain Dew is a good idea so thats why I'm not getting any cases. Just two 20oz bottles. There was some big guy in there. Like 6'3 230 pounds or something. He wasn't paying me any attention really but man did I feel puny with my 5'5 157 pound self. He just glanced at me because I looked at him first but that was all that happened. The encounter actually made me feel good because I could tell I was passing. In a bit we have to take the cats to the vet but now I'm just relaxing.

Hi Beth. I'm a little late in responding to this post, but that day I wasn't nearly as aware of my mood state as now. Gosh yea this is clearly affecting me! Today I'm about as irritable hypo as I've been for a long time. Hubby deliberately dropped me off at the Airbnb to get rid of me...well, to let me cool off. I wanted away from him, too. He and I were debating fiercely about who is more domineering. I know he is, but I do get the official raspberries prize for most complaints. When irritable hypo I can belt out A LOT. That's not my norm, so it is "dysfunctional". I took an Ativan and am now resting after tidying up and doing minor cleaning of the Airbnb apartment. Dad, Sis, and nephew will come here for birthday cake after a dinner at a pizzeria.

As I wrote yesterday, I almost wish we could go straight home on Saturday instead of another week near NYC. But that's not gonna happen, so I'd better get my ssht in order. I'll take a little extra Seroquel if necessary, but I don't have much extra to spare. Just Ativan. I am sleeping just fine, so that's not an issue. Only daytime stuff. It is stressful and also depressing. Boy how I sometimes wish I could take a vacation all by myself and leave him home. No, I don't want to leave him, just have a break from him to do 100% of what I want, how I want, when and where I want.

I need to take a shower tonight but I might wait until tomorrow morning just so my hair is tidy.

It's 60 and sunny out right now. I hope it's nice tomorrow but I think it will rain for the recital. We'll have to see what the hourly weather is for tomorrow, tomorrow.

I've lost the CD I had made of N3 singing when he was 9 for an assembly at school. I lost it when I moved a year and a half ago. It's like the box it and a bunch of other CDs were in just disappeared. I do have these recordings on YouTube but I can't "keep" those- they are inside YouTube, know what I mean? I have looked everywhere for those CDs and I even had decided at one point that the movers stole that box. Would've been easy to do: keep one box while all the rest were piled up on one another in my apartment. How could I tell that one was missing. But now it's been a year and a half and I don't think anybody remembers the name of the moving company we used nevermind the movers themselves. It's just one of those things that comes up and bothers me every so often again. I got up and changed the CD in my CD player and had a look through those CDs which I THOUGHT the one of N3 were with.

Tomorrow Caleb shows up. I hope the smoking isn't a big issue but I just know it will be. I'm starting to wonder why I invited him in the first place. I know why- he likes music and I thought he'd enjoy N1's folk music. She's even playing something by Bach on the guitar which I think is difficult. They've been practicing for months and months for this! Anyway, I've been thinking I just want to uninvite Caleb. I can't deal with the attitude he has about smoking.

Cool I didn’t know it was the queen’s birthday. I know yesterday on tv I saw she got her own Barbie doll which didn’t look like her at all. She’s pretty chill for 96.

I started the Wellbutrin today and had a more pleasant day overall. I got back to playing Scrabble. It's good exercise for my brain.
....

It's 3:30am, I haven't slept yet and don't anticipate getting any sleep because I'm feeling very hot, nauseous, and have a headache. I really feel like crap, I just took 2 ibuprofen and am waiting to see it those do anything, and I put on my air conditioning and have a Ziplock bag full of ice cubes I'm keeping on the back of my neck

Ohh Beth, I feel yah as police paranoid ness is a thing with me too despite never having a bad time with them. Hope you slept.

I didn’t get good sleep. I’m falling a sleep almost immediately but waking up after an hour or two. And intermittently sleeping or more accurately just dreaming bits and pieces. I’m a bit worried I might be snappy today and my daughter always takes that to heart. She’s in her 30’s with two kids but still very sensitive to my moods. Intellectually she knows it’s not about her, but… I’ve got to keep a lid on that so we can have a nice day out. Why oh why does sleep get to control me and not the other way around? I’m so envious of people who fall into bed and sleep until it’s time to get up.