Bipolar check-in #64

I am so hungry today. I've been hungry for a couple of days but I've been doing fine on my calorie budget. These last 2 days have been annoying though but I've managed. I'm going out of town next week for a couple days and we have a couple resturant dinner plans and I'd rather splurge a bit then. Although I do know I don't have to go overboard then either. Get the grilled cheese but get the side salad instead of fries and all that stuff they teach you in Noom. I plan on buying a new pair of Vans while I'm gone. I want a pair of plain white and black checkerboard slip ons. Out of all the Vans I've owned I've never had a pair of those and those are pretty standard. Today I'm just watching TV since its Sunday. My moods are fine.

I have decided to contact a therapist. I feel very much scared!

Take care

Well festivities continued into thr night. People were setting off fireworks for along time
After thunder was over. I love derby season !

Ooh sounds fun, I hope you enjoyed it @HALLIEBETH87 !!

I hope it helps @GoGo2 ! And I hope you feel better soon!

Oh the Vans sound lovely!
I’ve never used noom, but that sounds like a good way to do things!
I hope you enjoy being out of town!

I've been tired and achey lately. Falling asleep's been difficult my body just feels weird when I'm falling asleep. Don't know how to explain it.

RS is out fishing. I told him he deserves a day out doing what he loves. My son is sick with a cold. I took him to urgent care bc he was complaining of fatigue and chills and has a nasty cough but he is negative for everything, including a fever. I think he got it in his head that he had Covid and responded with psychosomatic symptoms. The cough is real for sure but after the amount of steep stairs we climbed yesterday I’m not surprised about the fatigue and the chills were definitely psychosomatic because as soon as he found out everything was negative that and the fatigue magically disappeared. I don’t blame him though, I do the exact same thing. That’s why I avoid the dr for so long, I know 99% of the time it’s in my head. And then I end up going to get the symptoms to stop lol.

I’m itching to go out and shop for things but I really shouldn’t spend any money considering I have no income. I want to do things around the house but I myself am fatigued from seroquel. I want to nap but I can’t do that either. I did clean out the chest freezer and found about 4lb of chicken breasts divided into various freezer bags. I cleaned out one section of my car. I stopped because our neighbor was outside and I’m the rude neighbor who doesn’t want to talk to anyone else. I’ll say hi though so I’m not actually rude, I just don’t like making small talk with people. Makes me nervous.

Uuuuggh I’m so tired!

I ate some fast food spaghetti for lunch and I actually feel full for the first time in 2 days. My daily carbs are a nightmare though so I have to rely on CICO (calories in calories out) and my sodium level for the day. But the spaghetti was so worth it to feel like I wasn't starving.

Uff da my back is giving me trouble today. Did my bedroom in shifts. Dusted, break. Tore the bed apart and Lysol Ed it down and then took another break. Made it with the new sheets and blankets. Took a break Now I’ve got left the spraying of the pillows with lavender and the top blanket. I’ll do the washing up tomorrow. Looks so nice and inviting.

I’m watching an old independent film from Canada/ Briton owd Bob, a young American boy’s parents die and he’s sent to an island in Ireland to his grandfather. James Cromwell is in it, I like him.

But a shower tonight after call the midwife is over. Then to my newish bed.

@BethRags:

I'm sorry to hear you are so upset about your medical records. Hopefully you had a good sleep and things look brighter today. What about just simply discussing your concerns about your medical records with your new doctor? Any decent doctor will want to do their own assessment anyways. It's their medical license at stake and they're real serious about that.

And i agree with Soupe, that there is a world of difference between dependence and addiction. I'm also a long-time benzo user and you may recall last year i had to conclude the best i could do was harm-reduction, i couldn't achieve abstinence. I think it's still worthwhile, i've reduced my use 75% and i'm waking up at a reasonable hour now.

Anyways, hope you're feeling better today!

Quote:

Originally Posted by rwwff That really is pretty terrible, I wonder why people put those kinds of outright lies in a medical record. As for me, a bit of entertainment. First time experiencing "word salad"; gotta type/say that's the weirdest experience ever. Think one phrase, vocalize it, and think you said what you meant to say, but the output upon reflection makes zero sense, not to mention really aggravating to folks around me who are the recipients of said phrase. Then I stand there confused trying to speak the broken word, then become aware of the scramble, and yet, still couldn't vocalize the correct word! Here's hoping the Wellbutrin isn't switching me... or at least hope the AP prevents it from being destructive. I really do like how productive I've been this week.

Well, that sounds downright scary. Can you mention it to your prescriber? I don't think Wellbutrin would cause word salad, but I'd still check it out if I were you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoGo2 I am sorry to hear this. There is not so much you can do about it when a doc plays God, but you can tell your GP and ask to have it added at your medical record, that you think you were misunderstood. The only thing you have mentioned is that you are afraid that to be complete free of it is not possible due to the long use. After that you can discuss with your GP what is realistic to do.

Thank you, GoGo2! That's actually really helpful. So, explaining straight out to my GP, rather than not saying anything and hoping she doesn't read the comments.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour Hi Beth, Do your new therapist and psychiatrist have to receive your records from that pdoc? It's possible that my old psychiatrist kept either alcohol dependence or alcohol abuse on mine (with bp1), but I've since started afresh with a new slate. Certainly my old psych hospitals still have that in their record systems. For my earlier hospitalizations they would put me in dual diagnosis programs, but then I demanded I go to regular psych wards. My past addiction issues were that. In the past, in my case. As long as it doesn't affect my present or future I don't care what there is in my record. It could say "Googly Eye Syndrome" for all I care. I wouldn't even mind if the called me "George" (reference to a Looney Tunes/Bugs Bunny cartoon). I've certainly encountered pdocs who were fine prescribing benzos long-term. My last one was, but my new one is reluctant. Luckily I did wean off it a while ago, but any rational pdoc knows it can be mighty challenging. In my view there is a huge difference between simply being chemically dependent on a benzo and abusing it. It doesn't sound like you fit the latter category of being an "addict".

Thank you, Soupe - or should I call you "George"? You made me giggle

I've decided to keep seeing my current T. She's been so supportive through all this trash. I've been seeing her for 3 years and honestly, the thought of starting over with a new T is daunting, to say the least. But I am continuing with the new med provider, the PA. I believe the medication stuff at that clinic is a good situation.

He has not asked me for my records - and I will not volunteer them.

I have had several pdocs encourage me to increase my Klonopin dosage - I have always declined, quite firmly. I really am afraid I'll never be able to kick the stuff - and I know it is causing memory challenges.

On a lighter (but important) note: Have you heard - it looks like Macron is going to win the election! I am so relieved. That conservative (ultra so) woman, not good news globally. *Waves the French flag!*

Quote:

Originally Posted by bizi You could try asking your therapist about this. He sounds horrible. Bastard.contact his governing board? I don't know what to say. That is very frustrating. I would be pissed. bizi

Thank you, bizi. That woman is seriously disturbed. I say that with confidence. I am definitely consulting with my therapist, as she has to work with that bi*ch. I have written an email of complaint to the harpy's supervisor; he wrote right back to me and was kind. Governing board - sounds like a plan. I will take this as far as I can, believe me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoGo2 I have decided to contact a therapist. I feel very much scared!

That's wonderful! It's scary at first, but likely you will feel relieved to be with a therapist.

Oh good news. The far right is a world wide problem. We watch lots of European tv though PBS and far right terrorists are a common theme. So glad to hear le pen is not doing well.

I did sleep well, but with 25mg Seroquel, which is upsetting to me.

I am walloped by how badly that doctor has trashed me, simply out of revenge. I stood up to her and she didn't like that - and she has the power. She has victimized me, hands down.


I hope to hear from Jennifer today...so Jennifer...please let us know how you are.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Oh good news. The far right is a world wide problem. We watch lots of European tv though PBS and far right terrorists are a common theme. So glad to hear le pen is not doing well.

Absolutely! Any defeat of the far right equals a healthier world, imo.

So do I. I think this was the right decision. I am sad but calmer now that I know I will be helped.

I have been to therapy before. I thought I was done with that, but now it seems necessary ...

I think many of us could do with a “refresher course” of therapy even if we’ve been out for many years. I don’t think I’ll ever be completely done forever. I’ve been with mine for 7 years. I like her so much though that I wouldn’t want to stop seeing her even if I don’t think I really need it anymore!

I do hope you feel better soon!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Uff da my back is giving me trouble today. Did my bedroom in shifts. Dusted, break. Tore the bed apart and Lysol Ed it down and then took another break. Made it with the new sheets and blankets. Took a break Now I’ve got left the spraying of the pillows with lavender and the top blanket. I’ll do the washing up tomorrow. Looks so nice and inviting. I’m watching an old independent film from Canada/ Briton owd Bob, a young American boy’s parents die and he’s sent to an island in Ireland to his grandfather. James Cromwell is in it, I like him. But a shower tonight after call the midwife is over. Then to my newish bed.

Yes, the work/break is the way to go when one is in pain.

I was very into Call the Midwife for a long time. For some reason, when Barbara died I sort-of detached from the show. But I do plan on watching the new episodes at some point.

Enjoy your fresh bed! Sounds lovely.

The bamboo sheets are soo soft! I can’t wait for bedtime. 😃 the colors are all muted earth tones, moss, lavender and they call the sheets silver but they’re a soft grey with a sheen. It’s calling out to me. I sprayed the sheets with lavender and have a lavender, bergamot hand lotion that’s supposed to induce sleep. Tonight I go down another.5 mg on my ambien. So everything non- meds I can do to help myself sleep is onboard. I’ve been saving my new sheets and blankets for this decrease. Still hold on to the increase in latuda and the second AP for when I go lower. I figure I’ll save those for when I start getting no sleep a night. So far I’ve gotten a minimum of 2-3 hours on the bad nights.