Bipolar check-in # 66

There is hope, Jennifer! Start small and build step by step and don't forget that all peple backslide from time to time. Please remember the three T's:

Hi Jennifer. I'm sorry to read that you are feeling down today.

I haven't been able to be as active here as in the past, but I do come and at the least scan posts. As I recall, either yesterday or the day before you seemed more upbeat. More sure of the benefits of certain decisions. My point? It seems you have rapidly changing thinking going on. Positive to negative and repeat. I think this is something you should mention to your pdoc when you next can. I'll also suggest as a word of encouragement that you may see things much brighter tomorrow. I've certainly experienced such thinking shifts. It's part of my bipolar disorder.

This day is the best I have had since my SI thoughts started! For now I have to go to bed (it is evening here and my eye lids have become heavy).

When you come to the evening at your place, I wish you a good night!

I took a few pictures of myself tonight and I'm looking kinda sick. My mom says I look tired. But I'm not underweight. I'm still considered 7 pounds overweight according to the BMI which I know is considered BS to a lot of people. I look a bit guant I'd say. I think if I took a shower and combed my hair and put on clothes that didn't hang off of me I'd look a lot better. I can sort of see where my therapist is getting concerned to be honest although she hasn't mentioned anything about my weight specefically. Just about food and eating disorders in general. Today I really have been worn out and just hanging out in bed. I ate a plate of beef filet for dinner. I've had a weird craving for red meat ever since I started feeling weird. It took me 3 days to eat it but I ate a giant pot roast pretty much by myself last week. I don't even really like pot roast. Eh theres worse things to crave I guess.

I forgot, did they do your biopsies in a hospital? Thats another thing thats concerning me. I wish I could just go to an outpatient treatment center instead of a big hospital. I thought I had a second cyst when I lived out of state, and they were going to do it at the doctors surgical section of the office if I had one. So these places do exisit. I know for eye surgeries they do them in offices.

Well, I finally made it here! I ordered food last night to be delivered and got food poisoning. It was a classic case and oh, wow, was I ever sick. I was trying to watch a movie (Frida; Salma Hayek was excellent in the role, but the movie was giving me the creeps for some reason...possibly because I was getting sick ).

Anyway, I still had to breathe and calm myself to do the kitty chores and be sure to take care of Sidney properly. They are all eating a high protein, almost zero carb diet and Sid's glucose numbers have been outstanding! I'm over the moon

I had an extremely symbolic dream about my daughter overnight. I got up this morning and felt fine, just very tired. Did some chores and went back to bed and fell sound asleep. What a gift, I really needed that sleep.

Then I was brewing coffee when I heard Solomon (my oldest cat) throwing up on the bed...on the blanket, the new aqua one, I had just washed yesterday. Poor guy; he's been overeating the yummy high protein food. And poor me...I have to wash the blanket again today. *sigh* I feel for you, wfc. But the middle of the night is a real butt-kicker...and the memory foam...

So Nammu, nah...I don't think I've done anything special on holidays for the past 9 years. No, one exception...I spent Thanksgiving with Noah and my DIL, and her family 5 years ago. Never did anything on Memorial Day. We did take the kids to Memorial Day services, put on by the VA, when they were young.

If I can just (re)watch Call the Midwife tonight in peace, it's all I ask

So good day/evening/day to all, and I hope no one else has to deal with ANYTHING to do with vomit!

I had a good day with M. We relaxed at the park and saw a beautiful hawk up close at the creek, went to see a good movie and had a good Thai meal.

It’s true I have been going up and down with my moods (thanks for pointing that out) and my daughter said it has changed every few hours she has been with me. I am having high, strong SI. We’re going to float Monday and Tuesday and get my affairs in order and on her way out of town Tuesday she will drop my off for inpatient help at the hospital. I’ve agreed to that. I don’t have access to my meds right now. It wasn’t the two pieces of bad news I received recently - it’s been coming for a long time. I’m finally addressing it.

I hope everyone has a peaceful evening. Hugs to all!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I had a good day with M. We relaxed at the park and saw a beautiful hawk up close at the creek, went to see a good movie and had a good Thai meal. It’s true I have been going up and down with my moods (thanks for pointing that out) and my daughter said it has changed every few hours she has been with me. I am having high, strong SI. We’re going to float Monday and Tuesday and get my affairs in order and on her way out of town Tuesday she will drop my off for inpatient help at the hospital. I’ve agreed to that. I don’t have access to my meds right now. It wasn’t the two pieces of bad news I received recently - it’s been coming for a long time. I’m finally addressing it. I hope everyone has a peaceful evening. Hugs to all!

I'm so glad you have had a nice day. Seeing a hawk is elating!

How wonderful it is that you and your daughter can openly discuss your mental illness. I think some IP assistance is a really wise idea. Why don't you have access to your meds, though?

Jenn, do what ever you need to do in order to stay safe and get the help that you need. You deserve to be treated with kindness.
bizi

It’s better that they be kept safely by someone else for now.

I think I need new glasses I read it as Just wanted to poop on an say Hiya!

I really hope you have a great week this week.

Sent from my SM-S901U using Tapatalk

My mom invited me and my kids over for 3:30 and then dinner. It was nice out. N2 told us all about her pole dancing classes. That's some hard work! She's just doing it for the exercise and because she says she needs a hobby. My mom took over the conversation by telling stories about when she was pregnant with me and about her dance teaching days. She seemed to want attention. We had taco salad but I was the only one who ate most of mine- everybody else only ate half. I guess I was hungrier than I thought. I had a nice conversation with Noelle about transgender things and bipolar things. She wanted to know what it was like to be manic. I wonder if she thought she possibly had had a manic episode. She didn't say as much though. She said she does not want bottom surgery because it's risky. However, she said her insurance would pay for it?? I find that difficult to believe. She said she would like to have an orchiectomy though. I think that would be very helpful. I also was telling her about Mountaindewed. She said that she would be upset if she had to stop taking estrogen.

I'm going to have to run the a/c a lot coming up in a few days as it's going to be in the 90s. My apartment is the temperature that it is outside unless I run the a/c. I guess that's my lot in life for living on the top floor.

They were done in breast center clinics that were equipped to do them in the same place that my mammograms, ultrasounds and exams were done. They are able to do needle aspirations, core needle biopsies (what I had), and placement of reflectors that mark the lumps for surgical purposes. Even the day of my surgery I was taken to the breast center to have the reflectors placed as they can't do that in the OR.

Sometimes they'll give you a choice about doing it in the office or a hospital or surgical center if you feel you need more sedation. I had that for a gyn procedure years ago and chose to be put to sleep although I could have done it awake.

Well, I upped my antidepressant but not my mood stabilizer. I thought I would be fine. It turns out that I was not fine.

Everybody noticed the mania.

My best friend had to talk me out of several horrible ideas and I might have messed up something potentially good between the guy I’ve kinda been talking to and myself. Thank you, bipolar disorder. You ****ed something else up.

I feel sad this morning. It is as if the tears are pressing right behind my eyelids.

I will try to make the best out of the day.

Best wishes to all!

Now I'm almost wondering if by local antheseia they mean a twilight and thats why they are have to send me to the hospital. I sent a message to my doctor so I'll see what he says. Thanks

@Moose72 I think bottom surgery is risky too. There can be so many complications and a chance for failure, I do not plan on getting it. My top surgery and hystrectomy were enough and the only one who keeps pestering me about getting more surgery is my pdoc. Like he thinks I'm weird almost for not wanting more. My treatment team was almost postive they could get bottom surgery covered by my insurance because of transgender protection laws.

Yeah…. I had a gynaecological procedure done recently and they tried to do it under a local to start with in the operating theatre and it was so painful they had to knock me out. I’ve had other things done under local too and felt pain. I was going to mention that in my first reply to you but decided not to coz I didn’t want to put you off. But you really need to get the biopsy so maybe there’s another way like the twilight thing… I’m not sure how that would go but it’s worth asking.

I got my testosterone blood results back this morning and my level is high. My mom is claiming its incredibly high but I'm not feeling angry or even moody today. And I haven't been feeling any anger lately. Today I feel fine, I just feel a bit light headed. I have noticed some physical differences these last couple of weeks. My body shape has for sure been changing quite fast and so has my face. That may be related to the high testosterone. I honestly am not sure what my doctor is going to want to do. With the high hematricrit and now this. I'm not even on .5mil of testosterone, so I am already on such a low dose I don't know how much furthur he can lower it. I'm trying not to worry theres nothing I can do on a holiday anyways. He'll probably get back to me tommorow with some options. But I have noticed I've been looking kind of sick and guant like these last few days especially in my face. I look like Pete Davidson except I don't have Chrons disease. But I did take a shower and put on clothes that fit and I do look better then I did yesterday.

I have felt sad all day long. I will look at the news and then prepare for tomorrow. I am going to hike together with some of my friends. Even from this sadness I look forward to it.

Best wishes to all!

I fell this morning and pulled the muscles right below my sternum. Man, does it hurt to sneeze, cough, move. I’m having difficulty. I researched how to treat it since my doctor’s office is closed and I’m treating it with ice for the first 48 hours. It could take a few weeks to 4-6 weeks to heal. Gulp! I will call my doctor in the morning.

It seems like blow after blow is raining down. My daughter is with me though and that comforts me. I may have to suspend inpatient temporarily until I get a handle on these pulled muscles. I hope I’m in less pain tomorrow and can go to the pool to float. We’ll see. Right now it hurts too badly.

I hope everybody is having a peaceful day.

I went to Starbucks earlier. Then I met N 3 and his gf at Barnes and Noble where we hung out and read magazines and books. I had a hot tea because they had the a/c on arctic blast! It was fun but they wanted me to take them home as they walked from home to BN! So it wasn't when I wanted to leave but it was okay anyway. Now I'm home with nothing to do. I know- "clean!" right? I guess I could do the floors. Or take a nap. 😂 It is a good nap time now actually. Hmmm.....

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I fell this morning and pulled the muscles right below my sternum. Man, does it hurt to sneeze, cough, move. I’m having difficulty. I researched how to treat it since my doctor’s office is closed and I’m treating it with ice for the first 48 hours. It could take a few weeks to 4-6 weeks to heal. Gulp! I will call my doctor in the morning. It seems like blow after blow is raining down. My daughter is with me though and that comforts me. I may have to suspend inpatient temporarily until I get a handle on these pulled muscles. I hope I’m in less pain tomorrow and can go to the pool to float. We’ll see. Right now it hurts too badly. I hope everybody is having a peaceful day.

Oooh, falling is never good and the muscles right there are so sensitive.

Maybe if you do go IP they'll give you a muscle relaxant.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 ... I'm going to have to run the a/c a lot coming up in a few days as it's going to be in the 90s. My apartment is the temperature that it is outside unless I run the a/c. I guess that's my lot in life for living on the top floor.

I think it's so nice that you're together with your family often. I didn't expect my kids to move so far away.

I live on the top floor, too, so I totally get you on the heat. I have 1 neighbor who keeps saying, "You should move to a downstairs apartment!" She means well, but it's annoying. Despite the heat I like living on the top floor.