Bipolar check-in # 66

*Beth* · May 31, 2022, 09:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

The same to you.

PS I prefer male therapists too. I've had 2 therapists who have been very, very good (one for most of 4 yeras, the other for 16 years) and both were the same age. So if someone asks what I want in a therapist I want a male 19 years older than me. That shouldn't be a problem when current therapist retires and I'm 50something....

Exactly. My first "serious" therapist was 16 years older. I remember that I gave him a card when he turned 50. I thought he was getting up there. Now I'm 59, ha. At some point I'm going to have to settle for a T who is just my age...or a year younger

~Christina · May 31, 2022, 10:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Good morning. I really appreciate your support and concern. It has been such a comfort to me. Thank you. My daughter is asleep beside me and has not left my side since we found him. She will need to go home today and that will be the true test for me. She’ll come back for the funeral. My sister was going to Florida next week so for now my plan is to get through the funeral this week and then let sister stay with mom next week while I go inpatient. I am calling my med provider for additional support in the mean time. I’m too shocked and numb right now to think of self harm but I’ll go inpatient pronto should that idea start circulating. Thanks again.

Oh Jennifer I’m sending love and prayers for you and your family.

Please stay safe and reach out for any help you need

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Soupe du jour · 11:56 PM

@BeyondtheRainbow, I'm sorry you had such a scare, but please try not to be embarrassed. If you can, put that incident behind you. It is good that you will see your pdoc to address the psychosis. It does suck when our sickness shows itself more again, but that's the nature of the beast. Hugs

@*Beth*, how lousy that you must find another mental healthcare provider again! Is this the therapist that has been cancelling on you a lot, lately? If so, then it would be nice if you find one that's more reliable. I don't think mental healthcare providers fully understand the effects some of their behavior has on us.

@Miguel'smom, I'm sad to read that Miguel's transition to a place of his own has been so rocky. It's a shame he stopped taking his meds. One can only assume that has played an extra part in his difficulties. Stopping meds always brought extreme chaos for me.

~Christina · May 31, 2022, 11:11 PM

Beth

I’m going to go out and have a big ole scream fest for you since no one will hear me. Girl your due a big fat giant break.

Rainbow. I am so sorry you got so scared. But honestly I bet anyone would panic’d if they couldn’t find family. Try not to beat yourself up. Sorry R session landed on a holiday.

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Soupe du jour · 11:52 PM

I'm feeling a little anxiety in a "calm before the storm" situation. We'll leave for our France trip in just over one week. Hubby and I also suspect something's up with our landlady. Perhaps it isn't the case, but we think she may be splitting from her long-time partner and may want to give us three months notice so he can live in the house. If this is true, it will be just fine, but such "notice" would feel better from us than from her. We see her tomorrow to then know how quickly our move to France may be. Either way, it's a matter of months, not years.

This summer will be busy! We also have my husband's old American work friend staying in our city in July and perhaps two other of his past work friends visiting during that time. Some additional trips may happen during that period, including as far away as Budapest.

My nephew in the US has been in a psych hospital for quite a while now and will stay another 2 weeks. Apparently he decided to get the ECT and has had a few treatments already. He told my Sis that after he gets out he'll go to an IOP and then may start TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation). I've never heard of anyone going straight from ECT to TMS.

~Christina · May 31, 2022, 11:17 PM

Thought I was feeling better but No!!! I’m really down today

my head is very “ loud” ugh !

I told Steve I’m really struggling. Just wanted to give him a heads up. So he’s worried.

Maybe this is just post prednisone garbage. I’m just praying I feel better tomorrow! I don’t have time for “ Bipolar” garbage right now.

Hugs friends

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BeyondtheRainbow · May 31, 2022, 11:28 PM

I realized that at least I have a reason for the psychosis. I generally have one episode a year in mid-late summer. This year I may be getting it early because my mood has been a little up from being on more AD than usual. This last week I tapered my AD down to normal so my brain has a reason to feel something is off and with summer imminent I have a feeling it just jumped into the summer episode early. Or I'll have 2 this summer. Last summer I missed it so perhaps my brain thinks it's a good idea to do this twice this summer.

I'm just trying to accept that I need a pulse of clozaril to stop this, assuming things don't stop on their own.

Victoria'smom · May 31, 2022, 11:52 PM

Rainbow 🌈 and Beth I'm sorry.

I'm going to talk to my therapist about getting off meds. I can't loose weight on meds. And I don't think meds are helping. Plus they can cause brain damage. I don't want brain damage. I don't think I'm going to get my shot before I talk to my therapist.

otroo · Jun 01, 2022, 12:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

The same to you.

PS I prefer male therapists too. I've had 2 therapists who have been very, very good (one for most of 4 yeras, the other for 16 years) and both were the same age. So if someone asks what I want in a therapist I want a male 19 years older than me. That shouldn't be a problem when current therapist retires and I'm 50something....

Yeah that's funny I prefer females even though my current on is male and for once I am ok but he is only the 3rd male I have delt with in like 26 years.

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Sunflower123 · Jun 01, 2022, 04:42 AM

I’m feeling pretty good this morning. I’ve been grieving normally but I’m happy brother is free of physical pain and mental illness now. We went to the funeral home yesterday and planned the visitation for Sunday with the service immediately after and the graveside service for Monday. We had to wait so long for brother’s favorite minister and friend to be available. That’s okay. It gives me time to grow stronger and pull it together. Mom is fragile but we’re with her around the clock.

I had an emergency therapy session yesterday and my med provider is calling in some additional support for me. I think I’m okay. We’ve been so busy that I haven’t made it to the pool. I hope to get there by Friday. It’s been in the 90’s here so the water will feel good.

I hope everybody has a peaceful day. Hugs to all.

wildflowerchild25 · Jun 01, 2022, 08:14 AM

I 100% do NOT want to go to program today. I’m so tired. I got back from my walk a half hour ago and I feel like going back to sleep. I hate seroquel. But I can’t sleep without it apparently, so I’m considering stopping the gabapentin and just taking the small dose of seroquel and seeing how that goes. Maybe taking it way earlier. I took it late last night.

Money is going to be VERY tight this month, RS has to pay his vehicle insurance. And I’m still not working, and I don’t know if I’ll be at the same job next year because I don’t know if the outside disability company will approve my disability because it’s taken me so long to get the paperwork together. I might have to call and try to appeal again but they probably won’t let me. See if I had just had someone able to do it for me when I was sick I wouldn’t be in this mess. Again it goes back to needing help and no one helping me. I’m TIRED.

We have to go to my nieces birthday party on Saturday and I really don’t want to. They live 45 minutes away so that’s a lot of gas, they have a TINY townhouse, they got a big puppy for some reason, she’s not trained yet so she’s jumpy and Barky. CR doesn’t like bigger dogs. In top of all that their house is FILTHY and cluttered and I can’t stand it. It reminds me of my mom’s. I wish they would just come here, I’d be more amenable. Plus I really have no energy for my SIL, love her to death but she keeps coming to me saying she’s going to harm herself and there’s really nothing I can do. I want her to talk to a professional but she won’t for some reason. I’m not a therapist I can’t handle this.

Ugh I’m just not in a good mood.

Jun 01, 2022, 09:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

GoGo, Dr. B. is Mary's effing colleague, he knows me well. Actually, sometimes people do see two T's at the same time. Apparently it's a "thing' now. I'm not into withholding information or lying to anyone, that's not my trip. So thanks, but I'm not sure I fully comprehend.

(...)

A daisy for each of you- a whole armload for Jennifer

Of course I did not think that you were going to lie to him. I have not understood that he worked at the same office as your T Mary. I thought he was totally new to you. I only wanted to help.

Jun 01, 2022, 09:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

I'm unstrung. I am FU*KED. What is wrong with me, have I offended some great universal power? I HAVE to pull myself together and get the professional help I need. As if. As if. In this town, with no "real" insurance. Most of this town is focused on Mexican farm workers - which they deserve. The farm workers do work I'd die doing. It's just that most of the clinics are Spanish speaking and are immersed in that culture.

So I had an outstanding session with Dr. B. Toward the end of spilling my guts and being so honest, truthful, stupid me!!!!! I told him I'd really like to work with him and he said...

HE IS LEAVING AT THE END OF JUNE.

I felt my entire body flush red. He wants to see me for the next 4 weeks...if Mary isn't back...umm...hmm...dah, dah, dah. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do, who I'll be seeing, I'm just smashed.

Dr. B. told me that the clinic admins or whoever runs the place have no sense at all of what the behavioral health department needs, etc. This is what I've heard from the dear receptionist I so trust. She's also considering leaving because since they moved it seems all they care about is $$$$$, not patient care.

So what do I do? I guess I start online and see what I find.

No daisies for me

Victoria'smom · Jun 01, 2022, 10:05 AM

@Soupe du jour his medication isn't for paranoia. He doesn't feel he can talk to his doctor about it. His meds are for mood and ADHD. He says it's just loneliness. He doesn't want to go back because he loses insurance in a month.

Sunflower123 · Jun 01, 2022, 10:59 AM

My moods appear to be cycling or that’s how grief hits. I picked a beautiful song for his service Diamond Rio’s One More Day that leaves me in floods of tears. I feel sad and all alone even surrounded by family. Things are dark. My med provider hasn’t sent in a med for me yet. I need it. I hope things start looking up. I’m sure they will. Just really down right now.

Mountaindewed · Jun 01, 2022, 12:52 PM

I had my 3rd phelebotomy procedure 1.5 hours ago and I already feel a lot better. I guess my sister texted my mom at 8 last night and asked if she could drop my nephews off while she and my brother in law were at the doctors having an ultrasound. My mom said yeah ok. They go to the same gynecolgocist office I went to and my blood doctors office is there as well. So we had all planned on meeting there so they could pick up my nephews if my sisters appointment wasn't over before mine started. Hers was at 8:30 mine was at 10. Then I got a call around 8:45 asking if I could switch the procedure to a different building and a different time. I have therapy today and after some talking I got it moved to 10:30 at the other office. I like this other office a lot better anyways. My brother in law ended up picking up my nephews at my house about 10 minutes before we had to leave which was good. So I had the procedure. It took a lot longer for some reason even though she got a vein right away. There were 2 older people in there getting treatments of some kind. I was getting a bit woozy but I made it. On my way out I noticed what appeared to be another trans man who was maybe 19-22 years old waiting by himself. I wonder if he has high hematricrit too. I came home and I drank a Coke and I feel pretty good. I'm still a bit woozy, but I can make my in person therapy appointment later this afternoon. I decided to see my pdoc in person tommorow. Its gonna be a hell of a lot of gas money and he has not seen me since October 2020 but I am ready to see him in person. I just hope he doesn't screw with my meds since I don't think the stuff I'm dealing with needs to involve him.

Soupe du jour · 03:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

@Soupe du jour his medication isn't for paranoia. He doesn't feel he can talk to his doctor about it. His meds are for mood and ADHD. He says it's just loneliness. He doesn't want to go back because he loses insurance in a month.

It sucks that any American should ever lose insurance. It's not like that for citizens in many other countries, such as the one I now live in. No citizen here ever loses insurance. All citizens in CZ have insurance. All. And it's pretty good.

I hope Miguel's loneliness subsides soon. I think it's common for young people who leave the family "nest" to struggle with adjustments to independent living. When I went away to university I wasn't so much lonely, but did struggle with the adjustment to the new life there. I had a horrible roommate at first, then my bipolar got a tinge out of control. For me, that included drinking sprees, lack of sleep, and other symptoms. Back then I wasn't yet diagnosed. I wish I had been.

Nammu · Jun 01, 2022, 01:52 PM

Second to last class of fitness. Next week we do paperwork and testing, then class starts again the week after. It’s an amazing day. 70’ or 71F hardly any wind and brilliant sunshine.

I’m gonna go soon and pick up stuff mum wants to bake a cake and the weekend food.

My sleep is stabilized again. Sunday I’m down to half of what it was.

MuddyBoots · Jun 01, 2022, 03:42 PM

I don't know what to do. I should NOT have said that. Now they're gonna force me to stay on Zyprexa. I really need to stop getting high but when I was clean it was awful I had five hospitalizations during that year. I can't go back. Maybe once I get the next 234mg injection things will calm down again. My brain is doing gymnastics on basically how to manipulate my NP at my next appointment instead of just being honest because I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE REALITY IS AND IT'S SCARING THE BEJEEZUS OUTTA ME!!!

Nammu · Jun 01, 2022, 04:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

I don't know what to do. I should NOT have said that. Now they're gonna force me to stay on Zyprexa. I really need to stop getting high but when I was clean it was awful I had five hospitalizations during that year. I can't go back. Maybe once I get the next 234mg injection things will calm down again. My brain is doing gymnastics on basically how to manipulate my NP at my next appointment instead of just being honest because I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE REALITY IS AND IT'S SCARING THE BEJEEZUS OUTTA ME!!!

Nammu · Jun 01, 2022, 04:10 PM

Ugh, ugh 😩 my car! My stupid car! I was in the drive though when there was this clunk, then the car wouldn’t go. I turned it off and then on and red lights everywhere. Transmission fault service immediately! Me in town it’s late afternoon and I don’t have my phone! So I took the back roads home with my heart in my throat. Oh ugh. I just spent well over $1200 on it just two months ago. My savings is being wiped out! 😩 I don’t want to call the stupid auto place I want a new. Car like magic. Ohhh 😲 😩

Moose72 · Jun 01, 2022, 04:34 PM

My doctor herself wrote me back on the portal. She asked me to tell her what dates I am not available and she'll schedule my procedure. Well, my mom got back to me with the dates she WON'T be available to drive me but there were so many that I wrote the doctor back with "The dates I *am* available". I hope she reads that right. There are some dates that she could do it if it were in the morning but I didn't want to confuse the issue unless I HAD to. We will see what happens next.

Moose72 · Jun 01, 2022, 04:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu

Ugh, ugh 😩 my car! My stupid car! I was in the drive though when there was this clunk, then the car wouldn’t go. I turned it off and then on and red lights everywhere. Transmission fault service immediately! Me in town it’s late afternoon and I don’t have my phone! So I took the back roads home with my heart in my throat. Oh ugh. I just spent well over $1200 on it just two months ago. My savings is being wiped out! 😩 I don’t want to call the stupid auto place I want a new. Car like magic. Ohhh 😲 😩

Car troubles SUCK!

:sad: I'm sorry this one is giving you so much grief. Depending on what a shop says it will take to fix it maybe it would be worth getting a more reliable car. I know- easier said than done.

Moose72 · Jun 01, 2022, 04:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I had an embarrassing time today. I don't show my family paranoia or any psychotic-ish symptoms if I can possibly avoid it and I don't think anyone thinks much of those parts of my illness. But today it all came out.

My mom had a plumber at the house doing some work. It was 90 degrees out and we have a dog that can't be around anyone but us so he was in the dog yard where he was continuing to run around and bark despite the heat.

My mom and I had been listening to a podcast and sitting on the couch. She got up and said soemthing about the plumber just needing to turn the water back on. I was playing a game on my phone and didn't think much of it. Except 20 minutes later she still hadn't re-appeared and when I tried to wash my hands the water was still off even though I knew I'd heard the plumber drive off. So I started looking everywhere for her. I couldn't find her anywhere. By now I was getting really scared and convinced the plumber had kidnapped her. I didn't know what to do so I called my sister who tried to calm me down, suggesting places she might be but she wasn't in any of them. I triedi the plumber's boss to see if he had checked in but the boss didn't pick up (thank God). I kept looking and looking and then the plumber reappeared. I asked if he knew where she was; he didn't. I copied his license plate # just in case although by then I was really confused. My sister told me to try calling my aunt before I called the police but I walked out toward the dog yard one more time before I did and that's where my mom was. All that time she had been with the dog. Somehow when I'd looked back there she'd been in different areas than I was looking and she hadn't heard me calling for her.

So now it's all funny (except I am so embarrassed) and everything was fine.

I hate this stupid illness that twists reality and leads to so much misunderstanding and embarrassment over things that seemed perfectly logical at the time.

My therapist appointment was cancelled this week because of the holiday but I have my pdoc Thursday. So I'll get some help (I've also had tactile hallucinations of bugs on my skin the last few days) soon. I hope she doesn't make me up my clozaril dose as that makes me so sleepy although it does take away the bad stuff. Ugh.

I can totally relate to what you've just explained. Our minds can go off onto tangents and before we know it we're caught in a paranoid whirlwind of our brains gone terribly bad. And we can't even see it at the time.

Nammu · Jun 01, 2022, 05:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72

Car troubles SUCK!

:sad: I'm sorry this one is giving you so much grief. Depending on what a shop says it will take to fix it maybe it would be worth getting a more reliable car. I know- easier said than done.

I may have no choice. But I haven’t got a 5000 for a down payment. I’ve always payed full price for my cars so the title is mine. I hate the thought of a car I’m driving being owned by someone else. But I’m not in a position to do that. But I may not have a choice. I got this car because it was a compact and I wanted good gas mileage but….it’s a pain. I loved my Buicks much better

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Bipolar check-in # 66

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