Bipolar check-in # 66

My message became "deleted" (I lost it by a failure)!

Therapy was just standard today. She didn't offer a whole lot of reassurance but she didn't set my anxiety off either. She didn't make a fuss about my burritos or Lucky Charms. She actually encouraged them but I told her I was eating vegetables now which she was harping on me about for awhile. On the way to the office I got a call from a pulmonary doctors office wanting to set up an appointment. I know my endocrnolgist thinks I might have sleep apnea which can cause high hematrcrit. My pdoc also said my sleep problems were physical related to the hematrcrit. So I see the pulmonary doctor on July 15th. God I hope my insurance holds out. I hope I can do an at home sleep test vs at a lab. Today my stomach was under control. I still didn't eat much but I stayed hydrated.

Quote:

Originally Posted by unlived Sorry to hear. Why wouldn’t she refer you to someone else?

Because apparently she expects me to just go along for the ride. Have sessions with her when she's around, wait for her when she's not. That's the thing...it's hitting me that she's a seriously dysfunctional person.

I'm sorry Beth. It sounds like you need time to grieve (while still needing to find a new therapist. Which is a difficult combination.)

…or maybe just in serious denial of her health

Slept for an hour. I want to keep sleeping, but there are chores I have to do. If I don't do them the world won't blow up, but I will feel increasingly depressed. I really need to work on feeling empowered by my decision to leave therapy with Mary, rather than defeated.

Mum is getting seriously anxious over the car. She called yesterday and then again today. The part came in and they are working on it. So maybe tomorrow. But if it’s longer than that we’ll need a loaner car. I do trust the guy and I don’t like driving strange cars. But they do need to work on keeping us better informed.

I just sent a message through my health portal to my GI dr describing my new symptoms. I said the endoscopy would be a waste of time but that may not be true, I shouldn’t have said that, I am not a medical professional. From what I see on dr google it seems it may be a pancreas and/or gallbladder issue. I’ve had three ultrasounds since the pain started five years ago, one in the ER when another dr told me to go for severe abdominal pain, and nothing is ever found. I have no idea what other tests can be done or even if I’m right with my hunch but I am NOT going to take being pushed aside anymore.

I need to take care of my physical health as well as my mental health and SOMEONE needs to help me with it. The GI is nice, she didn’t deride me for my weight like the first one did.

I deserve better for myself and I’m going to make it happen.

I had a doctor's appointment today at 10:30i got up at 9:50 lol. I made it but it was close. I am depressed today need to fix that.

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Beth- you are FREE! It seems that Mary is too tied up in HER to be any help to ANYbody. That's unfortunate given that her job is to be there for her patients.

So I bought this art program and now I'm discouraged. The supplies are expensive. I need to learn how to draw though. My sister wants me to be her illustrator. I can color but I haven't really drawn in about 15 years. I hate that I don't have the money to put into skills that may help me provide for myself. I can't do traditional school. I've tried I'm no good at it. This gives me actual people to talk to on discord plus self paced training. It's perfect. The monthly fee is less then half of an in person class. I can't do in person anyway. My anxiety and mood issues wont let me. Art supplies are outrageous. I don't know.

Went to therapy today talked about how Miguel is doing was told to remind him he can come home now if he wants. Now I'm crying and I don't know why.

Yesterday was an amazing day!! I got design with my family a headstone for my dad! I can’t wait!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu …or maybe just in serious denial of her health

The weirdest part of it...Mary has health anxiety. What we used to call a "hypochondriac." It seems to me that she worries about and exaggerates every little twinge. That's part of what I find irritating. I'm not convinced that she's as ill as she believes she is.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom So I bought this art program and now I'm discouraged. The supplies are expensive. I need to learn how to draw though. My sister wants me to be her illustrator. I can color but I haven't really drawn in about 15 years. I hate that I don't have the money to put into skills that may help me provide for myself. I can't do traditional school. I've tried I'm no good at it. This gives me actual people to talk to on discord plus self paced training. It's perfect. The monthly fee is less then half of an in person class. I can't do in person anyway. My anxiety and mood issues wont let me. Art supplies are outrageous. I don't know. Went to therapy today talked about how Miguel is doing was told to remind him he can come home now if he wants. Now I'm crying and I don't know why.

I took many art classes in college and yes, the hardest part was the expense of supplies.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 Beth- you are FREE! It seems that Mary is too tied up in HER to be any help to ANYbody. That's unfortunate given that her job is to be there for her patients.

Thank you. I really, really need to hear those words.

Just grieving. I feel directionless. I'm angry because I initially started therapy with Mary to cope with grief, loss, and trauma. So 3 years later my feelings of grief, loss, and trauma are even worse.

The last time I reached out to a crisis line was 17 years ago. I'm keeping it in mind that I may call one soon, just talk out the defeat I feel. Frankly, I wish I wasn't shy to go to a dive bar by myself. I love dive bars and there's one 1/4 mile from me. I don't drink, but a glass of orange juice and some plain old fun would sure be healing right now. Just getting away from all this sh-it for a few hours. How nice would that be! Instead, I'm just going to bed, I am so tired.

Thanks for this recommendation, Beth. I looked and Amazon.de (based in Germany) also sells it for shipment to Czech Republic. I think the price isn't that steep. The hair mask I bought last week is some ultra fancy and expensive French product and may only last for an additional three to four treatments. I will say it did my hair some good. I left it in for about four hours. No sense leaving it in far less time.
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Airlines are limiting luggage sizes and weights so much that someday the carryons will need to be as small as a wallet. We kept having to remove more and more to not exceed the weight requirements. Of course I removed most, even though I always have far less than Hubby to begin with.

All I need to do before we set out are a few last minute house chores. A friend will be coming to our house in our absence to water indoor and likely also outdoor plants, since it rains infrequently here. We didn't buy a single plant/flower from the garden center this year. Seemed nonsensical since we'll be away so long and just don't want to spend that money. We do have some perennial flowers, shrubs, and herbs, though. We'll leave the place with overgrown grass and weeds. Oh well! When we return we'll do some sprucing up before our American friends visit in July.

I love my inlaws my mother inlaw is a little odd. Anyways they had a headstone made up and put on their cemetery plot. We go over with her to see it for the first time. We are standing there looking at it and my kid goes I wonder if they are related. I looked over and the spot right behind us had the same last name as us. Most put a N in their last name so to see one without the N is rare lol. Well something caught my eye the people that made it put the N in it. I laughed so hard I have gone most my life with people spelling it wrong. My dad was in the Airforce for 30 years and 30 years later they still spell it wrong lol. We are lucky we had proof sheets showing it spelled correctly. I hope it does not take another 6 months. I actually found it funny.

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The real problem is that she refuses to send you to another T. Even if you have a MI, you are still a free person with the right to choose another therapist.

I can relate. To feel rejected by a therapist is worse then the original rejections from childhood.

If you cannot go to the dive bar, find another place to go, run in the streets ontil you feel very, very tired, or do something else, buy an ice-cream or something ...

There was a fire in the building next to ours. We all had to evacuate at 3am and just were allowed to come back inside at 4:30am. Whole street is blocked off and filled with fire trucks etc. I can smell the smoke in my apartment even an hour and a half after the fire started, and with my windows closed

I guess there was concern that it could catch our building on fire because it’s so close

I was so worried about my cats. I’m glad our building is okay.

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Hi you kind and good people,

I will try to come into the forum from time to time. It is too much to read for me on daily basis (please remember that English/American is not my first language), but I'll try to come now and then.

The last days have not been good. I had a therapy session yesterday and that helped.

Today I have to prioritize work in the home, - start with the filling of the dishwasher. I have felt too much down to do that the last days.

I found a page called 'Depressed Anonymous'. I think the 12 step program would make structure to my days. Unfortunately they do not have chats (writing) available and the Zoom meetings were not for Europe in general (only for Ukraine and Russia - I can understand that - but I am sorry that I could not find a general European line. The idea of using the steps felt good, so I bought a 12 step Bible for kindle or kindle cloud. I hope that using that special Bible every day will help me to not become so deeply depressed, but that I will able to do my daily household cores and remember to do gymnastics, eat healthy and in general do what I can to not let my depression drag me deeper down then necessary.

Next week I am going to the Mediterranean Sea for one week on vacation. I did understand that I needed something to look forward to. We will stay in touch (now and then)!

Hugs and hopes to everyone here!

I understand! I have experienced that once in my life, in the middle of the night!

Sending good thoughts your way!

Yeah that’s not good… that’s gotta hurt.