Bipolar check-in #67

The cat just returned with a chipmunk.

Death totals now:
Totals now: 2 birds, 2 chipmunks, 1 mole, 3 mice and a mystery rodent.

24 hours to go

this cat must have a huge crush on you!

Well, my day went to pot fast. Got a call from gastroenterology to schedule an appointment. No procedures, just a "Hello. Nice to meet you visit." I see them April 26, 2023. Apparently, my new hospital chain's ENTIRE GI unit sees patients one day a week, and says they do procedures the other four. I did the math: 6 procedures a day done by 5 doctors, 4 days a week every week (no holidays) comes out to 6000 procedures a year. Either they're fudging the numbers (It's not that big a city I live near to!) which is bad, or they're not, which is worse.

There are three hospital chains with multiple clinics within 50 miles of me (including this one). Three more high quality providers (one has worldwide recognition) that I could use for specialty care are 2-3 hours away. There really shouldn't be an issue being seen. Also, these GI appointments are as much cancer screening as anything else and I'm overdue. It's in my own best interest to be seen. 🤬🤬

I suppose, for the short term, making and keeping appointments with my former (crappy) healthcare providers would be practical. Long term, I'll start making calls to people further afield about specialist visits and specialist procedures.

Cat must REALLY want to impress you!

There’s a guy in my group who is not acting like himself and it’s making me nervous. He went off all meds and now he’s verbally aggressive and becoming paranoid. He accused a group member of mimicking him and is accusing all the clinicians of talking about him behind his back, at program and at home with their partners/families. I had to leave group when he started going off on a religious tangent about how the Jews murdered Jesus. I honestly don’t think I can go back if he’s there acting like this. I mean I know he’s not in the right headspace and it’s not necessarily his fault but I am very nervous that it will become physical, especially if he feels someone is disrespecting him by looking at him the wrong way or something.

I won’t be there for the rest of the week anyway because I’ll be caring for my son. Hopefully by the following week he’ll have calmed down. If he hasn’t I’ll just continue virtual for the rest of the time I’m there. I’ll be physically safe and I’ll be able to shut off the sound if it gets verbal.

Of course this is underscoring that no matter how much I may want to I cannot return to my current job. If I can’t deal with aggression when I’m not expected to de-escalate it, how can I possibly handle being expected to get involved with or in between aggressive students? I’m thinking of leaving education altogether. Maybe switching to administration assistance work. I wouldn’t mind being a front desk receptionist at a medical office. I enjoy my retail store job, talking to people and helping them.

I’d really like to only work part time for now but I need health insurance. I tried to get on RS’s but I just couldn’t handle the work involved, which was literally only calling and cancelling my own insurance. I don’t know what my issue is right now. I feel blocked and I feel paralyzed. Not really depressed just unable to do what I need to do. I don’t even want to get up in the morning. I’ve been sleeping much later because I don’t want to face the day. I don’t really know what to do.

I found out CR’s surgery is going to cost $2800. My dental work is $3600. Then I have to get CR started on orthodontic work. It’s not just cosmetic for him, I can barely understand him because of how his permanent teeth are positioned. So that’s probably at least $5000. My dental work is also necessary for my health, I could get another infection.

I have to go grocery shopping but I’m really not feeling very well mentally. Maybe if I listen to a podcast while I’m shopping I’ll be less aware of everyone around me so I’ll be less anxious.

I have anxiety when any online stuff gets messed up. It’s frustrating and anxiety making when an account tells me my password or user name is wrong. I’ve been trying now for almost two weeks to sign up again to donate blood. So today I googled sign in Red Cross and was taken to a different web site. I have the user name and password written on my donation card so I know it right, but not working! But I managed to get a temporary password and get signed up. Do passwords expire?

But I’m now signed up and have a new password, yes I wrote it down!

I don't ever tell my mom how much I have to like make this new state work for me. The mental health stuff isn't good. The resturants are not like the ones back home. And the grocery stores arent like they were. So basically I just work around things and I don't say anything. I do and get what I can when I'm in my homestate and I don't eat out much anymore and I do all my clothes shopping online And I don't know. Like nothing has really clicked with moving here besides the medical side of things has really improved.

Sorry for the rant I'm tired.

How did the surgery go, Jennifer?

Soupe, ugh...that type of "no drive" depression is a super drag. I find it most difficult.

GoGo2, yes...I find that being alone/lonely for a number of days distorts reality. Things seem larger and badder.

Boots, where does your self-hatred come from?

Rainbow...smh. I'm with Nammu: that cat is, I believe, profoundly in love with you

Nammu, GREAT work! I totally understand that discipline, stopping the rumination so one can SLEEP. You are an inspiration!

Md, I'm a firm believer in Gatorade. Once I was driving for 2 days through Death Valley in a car with no a.c., a huge desert way down in SoCal. Mid-summer. I'm talking heat at 118 degrees, easy. I couldn't eat without getting sick to my stomach. But I discovered Gatorade and lived on it for 2 days. I swear, it saved me.

It's too bad the cat doesn't work in fine jewelry. But oh no, she shows her love with dead things. I REALLY hope that she doesn't kill anything until I leave tomorrow. Since she usually kills first thing in the morning or overnight it's almost impossible to hope for this but I'm going to anyway. I just don't know if I have another clean-up in me. Her love is so gross!

Tomorrow I get back to my sweet Abbycat who only kills bugs and those rarely since she's not good at catching them. I can't wait.

The surgery went well. I am experiencing discomfort but it’s so wonderful not to have that growth always there. The results on the biopsy will be available in 1-2 weeks.

Before the numbing agent wore off, mom and I went to Olive Garden. I had lasagna. That was good as it may be awhile until I have solid food again because of the discomfort. The surgeon released me to eat whatever I wanted.

I went to the pool this morning on a sunny, cloudless day. So pleasant and relaxing. I’m going to make that a priority every morning when the weather cooperates.

The new bible study starts tomorrow. I’m sure I won’t feel like going but I’ll feel better if I can and do.

I hope everybody has a peaceful evening.

Jennifer so glad the surgery went great. That’s good news. Hopefully the biopsy will be good news too.

yeah, fine jewelry would be sooooo much better! Got my 🤞

I'm fully expecting 2 presents tomorrow. Just because. After all my BIL said she doesn't hunt anymore. 8?9? carcasses later I beg to differ and put nothing, including noticing I'm preparing to leave, past her.


Life is going to seem so boring without the killer cat and scary chickens.

Aurelieus710, April 2023...that beats all. Absolutely ridiculous.

wfc, that guy sounds creepy. I was in a NAMI support group once and a regular member went off his meds, was smoking a lot of weed, and the guy flipped his cookies. He literally got in people's faces, screaming accusations. Paranoia. He was kicked out of the group, but is that really an answer? I was afraid of running into him in town, and afraid he'd become violent in public. No one followed through with him. Not good.

Sounds to me like customer service types of work may just suit you.

Jennifer, I'm so glad to hear that the surgery is behind you. Great!

Rainbow...Fine jewelry

Nammu, you're sure not alone. All the tech stuff/passwords, etc. Grrrr. And yes, sometimes passwords do expire.

Last night was unbearable. I was outraged at the fireworks situation. No reprieve, just violently loud booms, non-stop. The poor cats were absolutely terrorized. I was shaken up, myself. I closed all the windows, turned the a/c on (even though the evening was cool). Turned fans on. Turned calming music on. Didn't matter, the booming was too loud. The windows shook and car alarms kept going off. This morning I couldn't get the noise out of my mind. Furious.

I called every appropriate number for the city to complain. I emailed every city council member about the issue and asked them what community members can do to help stop the problem. Nobody can enjoy Independence Day anymore. It is certainly not a holiday for children in this town.

I called the police department and received a call-back from a kind cop. He really listened to me. Said the PD needs all the help they can get from the community because, although they did catch a number of people using illegal fireworks (and fined them $1,000 each), most people see a cop SUV and hide the fireworks. He told me that 2 homes caught fire from (his words) "mortars" hitting the rooftops of the houses.

And tonight, while not being as insane as last night, there will still be booms. I dread it. I am so worried about my older cats and I am worried about myself. And David wasn't doing well with the "war zone," either.

I saw my med dude this afternoon. He is a sweetheart, but he sure loves meds. He said that sleep is still the main focus right now and then prescribed Vraylar, which is "activating." He prescribes medication for me that is for bipolar depression. I definitely have some depression going on, I almost always have. I'm concerned, though, that he's mistaking exhaustion for depression and also my turmoil about my situation with therapy, as depression. I can't entirely hold him responsible for that, though; I haven't told him anything about therapy. And I am most definitely depressed about therapy - but I don't think a medication will treat that. I need to work through it with Mary, plain and simple.

(And naturally, the pharmacy is out of Vraylar anyway and has to order it. Sometimes I wonder if they keep anything in stock.)

So there's my spectacular update. I don't even have the energy to skate today, but I am going to work with adjusting my wheels.

My new t-shirt idea is Don't meditate! Roller skate!

Moose, how was the party this week-end?

Birdie, how are you & the girls?

Has Otroo been around? I've not seen him for quite a while

A quick update (or two):
I had to engage in a little DIY today. Been dealing with gnats the past week or so. Figured out what was drawing them in and got that removed. For the meanwhile, I made some traps for them as I don't have the money to buy sprays, foggers and the like. I cut a couple of 2-liter bottles in half, put a mixture of sugary sweet items with dish soap or detergent. Invert the top half (with the cap off) and prest-o chang-o, all natural bug trap! Been working pretty well!

My mother's well intentioned attempt at a good deed caused me some aggravation. She wanted to give me $45 for expenses. That's fine. I've got no complaints. What she did was give me a $45 check made out to her (one of those insurance refund checks) and signed it before putting it in a sealed envelope for me. I can only assume my mom was not quite awake when she did this. Also, I didn't find out until I was in line at the bank. I had to very awkwardly ask what arrangements could be made, as "Can I deposit my mom's check into my account?" looks pretty bad. Can't do it tonight though.

Finally, I'm going to pursue another lead for an insurance investigator. Criminal justice, problem solving and a measure of independence as I do my thing. Would be a great job!

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow Has Otroo been around? I've not seen him for quite a while

Nope. He checked in about a week ago, nothing since. Hopefully he'll see this and check in.

Hubby and I are heading quite a bit north today to look at a potential home. It's a real "fixer upper", so we don't expect otherwise. However, the price is in our low range and offers some possibilities we have in mind. A friend who is an expert on renovations will meet us there. I think asking him was premature as we've never seen it ourselves. It's halfway between Prague and Dresden, Germany in an area of touristic appeal.

I made fudge nut brownies for the first time since moving to Czech Republic. They luckily turned out well using Czech flour. They are found in Czech Republic, but obviously considered an American treat.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour Hubby and I are heading quite a bit north today to look at a potential home. It's a real "fixer upper", so we don't expect otherwise. However, the price is in our low range and offers some possibilities we have in mind. A friend who is an expert on renovations will meet us there. I think asking him was premature as we've never seen it ourselves. It's halfway between Prague and Dresden, Germany in an area of touristic appeal. I made fudge nut brownies for the first time since moving to Czech Republic. They luckily turned out well using Czech flour. They are found in Czech Republic, but obviously considered an American treat.

Have a nice journey and I hope the house has potential. Those brownies sound absolutely delicious. I really, really need one

Let us hope that he will be helped and come back on his medication. Then you will probably feel safe next time.

With regard to job-opportunities, I think it seems wise to try a "desk job".

Best wishes!

Hope nobody scares you or your cats this night!

Hope you like the house, so you can settle down soon in your owned home!

Am feeling drowsy, but will soon go out for a cup of coffee and to buy something for dinner. The appointment with the therapist went well. She wants me to try to find new friends other places then I used too, to get out of loneliness. I'll do that. I mean I have to think about it first before I decide where to go.

Be well all!