Bipolar check-in #67

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Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow LOL. I guess if I stop showing up on here you're all know what happened.

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Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 Having a really tough time right now with SI. It’s incredibly strong and not responding to logic. Texting with a crisis line right now. If you’re so inclined, I could use good thoughts and prayers. I’m really struggling with the loss of my best friend, my brother and my daughter. Thank you.

You have both good thoughts and prayers from me.

When I was in Israel staying near the Gaza Strip it was a war zone. That's exactly what it sounded like here last night. The cats were terrorized and I spent the entire evening consoling them. My own nerves were unraveled from all the booms. Along about 9 p.m. I felt fatigued and jangled. The nights have been chilly, but that didn't stop them. A bottle rocket landed in a courtyard outside of my bedroom window, lit up the bedroom and shook the windows with the noise it made when it exploded.

Sorry to sound so negative. Angry that this holiday, which used to be such fun, is ruined every year now.

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Originally Posted by Nammu Yay! 😀

Thank you so much, Nammu

I really pushed myself today and went to a 4th of July parade. It was my first one since I was a kid. It was in pure Trump land. No one gave me any trouble though. No one really even paid any attention to me at all. Even when there was a large group of people of all ages just hanging around the main area of the town. I came home and took my second valium and heated up a bowl of broccoli and then ate some raw fennel with a bottle of Aqaufina. All my therapist cares about is my possible eating disorder. I have to do the anxiety stuff myself. But I feel like if I contiune to do these things my agoraphobia will get better. I also ordered a food allergy and wellness test today. I'm thinking its nuts but I may as well have a look to see if anything else is causing any problems. My sister and her family are coming back for a BBQ. My nephews were in the parade with the boy scouts thats why we went. So I guess today is a legit 4th for me for the first time in a couple years.

Not at all surprised at the news.

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Originally Posted by MuddyBoots Not at all surprised at the news.

Neither am I. Not at all. I'm so disgusted.

I'm not even disgusted at this point. Just apathetic. Like, hey, a bunch of people died and even more got injured, just another day... sad that I (and I'm sure others) are becoming desensitized to such violence. I was almost surprised things went smoothly at our fireworks show last night.

Finally got a (somewhat) significant amount of sleep today! Granted six hours is hardly enough when you've been up the past forty-eight, but still...

With the benefit of hindsight, I can safely say my sleep and energy levels have been following an all too familiar pattern. Up (in more ways than one) for about 2-3 days followed by a crash where I sleep for a good part of a day. Rinse and repeat.

It's not pleasant, but I can handle this particular kind of cycle. I also know what happens if I can't sleep for four days or more. And I've got to actively search for employment too.

I am going to take advantage of the holiday (and my crash state) to try and sleep as much as possible. I also meet with my therapist on Friday. I'll probably call before then.

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Originally Posted by MuddyBoots I'm not even disgusted at this point. Just apathetic. Like, hey, a bunch of people died and even more got injured, just another day... sad that I (and I'm sure others) are becoming desensitized to such violence. I was almost surprised things went smoothly at our fireworks show last night.

Oh, it's true. I'm surprised when there isn't a shooting at some event. That's what disgusts me...what we've come to expect.

I’m doing much better today. I was able to process a lot yesterday and rally. I ended up getting Cheddars to go and watching a funny movie and fireworks on tv with mom. I tried to sleep around 11:30 but those fools were still at it with the fireworks. It was loud. The poor dog hid all night.

Today I’m going to float early and later have surgery on my tongue. I’m a little apprehensive. Just slightly. I’ve never had my tongue worked on. Hopefully all goes well and it’s benign. I’ll take a couple of Klonopin before I go.

I hope everybody has a peaceful day.

My mood has been getting lower as these days pass. It's not really a painful one, but rather numb. Unlike during the move preps and house sale over a year ago, I have no drive. Feeling more overwhelmed and worried about the feasability of it all. I keep doing the normal tasks in life, but hide from many of the rest. That will have to change.

If to buy in Tsjekkia will be too expensive for you, why don't you think about renting another house or apartment? You don't have to own a home to be as happy as possible.

Don't blame yourself for being on disability!

I saw this now and I am praying. Remember God is outside of time!

"Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" (Mt 6:26).

Please contact a helpline if this continues or try: Suicide: Read This First

Good to hear that you feel better!

Send my best wishes for you!

I don't feel well today! Out of the blue I got thoughts about being evil. I saw myself as a looser, someone that didn't do enough. You name it. ...

I think it is about what loneliness does to a person. To have to be inside and alone for ten days with Covid is no small experience. It helped a bit to write here. I was not able to force myself to go out yesterday. For now I will take shower and then hope I am able to push myself to go outside.

Hope the best for everyone!

Mighty hunter cat update: She went over 24 hours without bringing me any presents!!!!
I held my breath when I went out this morning but nothing. Now she just needs to stay at nothing for 36 hours and life is good.

Thanks, GoGo2. I know you're right, but I still desire a place where I can be "Queen of my own space". We'll see. I know that if it doesn't work out we'll obviously rent and do our best to make that space ours to the most degree.

Please read the lovely quote you wrote for Jennifer about the birds. It applies to you, too.

It may take more time to get over your recent sickness with covid, even being able to return to public. I know from a friend who had it that recovery goes beyond just respiratory stuff and being contagious. Time does heal. Hugs

I don’t know who it was but some official from the area where the shooting happened said something along the lines of she couldn’t believe something like that happened (in a tv interview)and I was thinking how can you be so surprised after everything that’s been happening lately?

It's all alright for now.

I thought last night was going to be a long sleepless night. But I was able to turn my mind to a state of nothingness and stop the ruminating. It is so hard sometimes. So easy to give in to the thought swirling around and around. But I later. Pay a huge consequence if I don’t sleep. But boy was it tough to reign in the thoughts. I did oversleep a bit as it did take me time to nullify the thoughts. I feel like I achieved a great deal, I’m so proud of myself. Less reliance on meds to knock me out and more discipline and reliance on self.

I was struggling last night emotionally for some reason. I was a bit heavy on the melatonin and I was a bit S. I don't know what triggered it or what my thoughts were excatly. Anyways this morning I feel a lot better. I plan on discussing this with my therapist tommorow. I am really thinking of going back to work soon but I do think I need to legally change my name and gender first so my mom and I are going to make some calls this week to start the process.

I got super valium resistant anxious and overwhelmed for basically no reason this afternoon. Then I checked the weather and heat index a couple minutes ago and I'm like yeah.... theres the answer... I need to go drink a Gatorade

I was able to push myself out of the door after the shower. It was like coming into a new Season (it is still summer). When I caught Covid It was 30 C outside (86 F). This day the temperature was 12 C (53 F). I felt as it had almost become winter. I went to a café for something hot. That helped a bit. I bought something easy to make for dinner, had a quick stop at the pharmacy before I went home. I have used the time reading. I feel better, as if the thoughts of being evil came from another world. And they did. Isolation is dangerous. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my therapist. Look forward to that. For now I am going to use Netflix. Later I will fill my pillbox (hope to) and I am going to repeat all the stuff I have gathered about how to cope with my disorder.

A continued good day to all!