Bipolar check-in #67

We're doing well

I started drawing again, used to be really into art. Took advanced placement art in high school and took an art class in college, was always drawing and painting. But hadn't for about 4 years and now I've started again and am having fun. Also my best friend and I are planning a trip to London in a about 3 years from now. It will take awhile to save money and research everything. I'm excited.

Mustachio woke me up this morning by biting my feet and my nose, she does this every morning around the same time, never lets me sleep in lol She's always so eager for her breakfast

Maybelle is doing well too, though she was scared of the fireworks on the 4th of July so she came into my room and snuggled up with me in bed

Here's some recent pics of them

How have you been?

Aww they look so regal, blue bird 🐦

I'm getting clean again. I feel really sick.

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Originally Posted by GoGo2 Am feeling drowsy, but will soon go out for a cup of coffee and to buy something for dinner. The appointment with the therapist went well. She wants me to try to find new friends other places then I used too, to get out of loneliness. I'll do that. I mean I have to think about it first before I decide where to go. Be well all!

Finding new friends is a challenge, but if anyone can do it I believe you can, GoGo. You have such a great attitude

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Originally Posted by Blue_Bird We're doing well I started drawing again, used to be really into art. Took advanced placement art in high school and took an art class in college, was always drawing and painting. But hadn't for about 4 years and now I've started again and am having fun. Also my best friend and I are planning a trip to London in a about 3 years from now. It will take awhile to save money and research everything. I'm excited. Mustachio woke me up this morning by biting my feet and my nose, she does this every morning around the same time, never lets me sleep in lol She's always so eager for her breakfast Maybelle is doing well too, though she was scared of the fireworks on the 4th of July so she came into my room and snuggled up with me in bed Here's some recent pics of them How have you been?

The kits are adorable I believe you have a good pair. Cats are alarm clocks

Uggggh...fireworks scaring cats

It's so great that you're drawing again! I was also into art in high school, mainly graphic arts. I won a Beaux Arts scholarship. When I first moved to the town I live in (7 years ago) I was horribly lonely and without direction. I turned to art because it had always brought happiness to me and took a drawing class on Udemy.com. That one class gave me purpose and truly helped me to find my place in my new home.

I would love to see a pic of your artwork.

London! That sounds amazing! I've never been to London, but my furry dark-grey cat is named London

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Originally Posted by MuddyBoots I'm getting clean again. I feel really sick.

Go for it. Stay with it.

This morning started off with hassles. Someone on a community Facebook group totally attacked me because I posted about hating the illegal fireworks and being glad the cops fined some people for possessing them. I let her attack get to me too much. I'm just so tired of the pervasive mentality in this country about bullying being acceptable (thank you, ex president, for bringing out the worst in some people).

Then Solomon (my old man cat) threw up his breakfast, which he does most days. Poor guy bolts his breakfast without chewing it. I will start giving him a small amount to eat before he gets a whole bowl so he'll start off slowly.

But Sidney had an excellent glucose number before breakfast, so that's fabulous!

The weather today will be nice, in the 80's.

I need to float like you do, Jennifer.

What supports do you have. Getting clean is super hard and most people use many supports . You have us of course. Is ACT helpful?

Still kinda new to ACT. I have an ACT-specific crisis line I can call and a group to go to at 4 any week day if I feel up to it (I will not today as I have been puking, shitting, raging, and crying all morning).

My tongue is hurting but less than yesterday so I didn’t call for pain meds. I’ll power through it.

I floated early this morning on a sunny, hot, cloudless day. Beautiful and relaxing. Then I forced myself to go to bible study. I’m glad I did. It was good seeing everybody. I did not attend lunch with my friends due to my tongue and difficulty eating.

I’m going through the motions and taking good care of myself but I hurt all over. This grieving is hard work. I have an appointment with a counselor who specializes in grief and loss on August 10th and the Griefshare class coming up. Hopefully, those will help.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

I have an appointment next Tuesday with my moms laywer and a second lawyer so they can help me legally change my name and gender. With so much up in the air in the US I need to get this done as soon as possible. Plus theres some stuff I just wouldn't do in general right now. Like board a plane or cross the border or buy alchol until I change my name and get a new ID with my correct name and gender. Plus I want to do this. I always hated my very female dead name. I'm changing my middle name to Noah like from Noahs Ark and it also reminds me of my Grandma for a reason I can't quite place my finger on. I know she gave us a Noahs Ark magnet when I was little.

Therapy went ok today although I felt like I was acting weird. Or that she was. I couldn't help myself and word vomited and asked if she was pro life. She was all like "should I be a therapist right now and be proffesional and not go into this." But she ended up telling me she was pro choice and the country was ****ed up. We didn't really discuss much food stuff today. I guess because I was leading the session for once.

Anyways currently I'm trying to decide if I want to go out to lunch or if I want to take a long nap. I could use a giant burger since I got my weekly shot today and have the appetite for it or I could also use a 3 hour nap and then some soup later.

But basically I just felt like therapy made me feel weird.

Update: I got my weekly shot at 8 this morning so I was prepared and ok with having a teenage boy appetite. But my appetite has been ok all day. I didnt eat out for lunch I had the soup which was enough and then I'll try a homemade loose meat sandwhich for dinner. I dont know. Food is just weird to me now ever since I started that stomach med.

Second update: I got about an half hour nap. My therapist thinks my sleep is just related to my bipolar. I'm not saying shes wrong but then whats up with the high blood level

Even though I didn’t want to go, I pushed myself to go to both fitness classes today. I’m glad I went. Last week the class was so huge, there really wasn’t room for everyone. But today there was just the regulars, 7 of us. It was very nice. There was no reason not to go, it was that I didn’t feel like it. So I’m glad I pushed on.

The weather is awful, but I don’t feel I can complain much because it’s much worse elsewhere. The humidity is so high that walking outside is an immediate dishrag experience. I did go get gas though, it’s gone down since I last bought gas. That’s a huge plus. $30 filled the tank. I get gas like once a month so that’s not bad.

I'm so angry I could spit. Checked my bank account a few minutes ago and it's been hacked. Someone placed a $105 charge on my account to a Walmart in Arkansas. So my account is frozen until tomorrow. It wouldn't be a big deal, except that I'm scheduled to go to lunch with my friend tomorrow. Since she's driving quite a ways from another city and gas is insanely expensive I offered to pay for our lunch. So now I can't access any cash and my debit card is shut off. I'm going to ask David to borrow the money, but he'll have a fit because he doesn't think I should be spending money on such "luxuries" as lunch at a nice restaurant.

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I told David what's going on and he agreed to loan me the money. He wasn't verbally angry, just ice cold. He does that and it leaves me with a knot in my stomach, feeling like it's my fault that things didn't go the way they should. I mean, I didn't hack my account, but his icy lack of communication makes me feel like I did. I wonder what it would feel like to have his kindly support. Just once, so my stomach could relax instead of tightening up. For he and I to pull together instead of dividing apart.

I feel like I just want to take a bunch of sleeping pills and crawl into bed.

But I will put myself into the shower, then put my skates on, skate and forget about everything.

Mary is due to be back on Wednesday. I have an appt. with her on Thursday. The sweet receptionist said that Mary will "probably" be calling on Wednesday, prior to our appointment. Now I'm all anxious about that. I mean...I really don't want to go into stuff on the phone. I just want a session in her office on Thursday. So should I just let her leave a message? I guess so. But then that makes me anxious, too. Ugh.

I've honestly been thinking lately about getting a medical marijuana card to treat anxiety and insomnia. They're easy to get, legal, but the cost is $100. Then of course there's the cost of whatever someone purchases. But I really don't want to smoke anything; my dad died of lung cancer from smoking cigarettes. There are other options, but that seems so weird to me, lol. I'm old school.

I guess I'll just keep roller skating! It sure is therapeutic.

My insurance approved the Vraylar & the pharmacy will deliver it later today. I'll give it a hard try. I so wish it would be helpful.

Thanks for letting me vent.

I'm envisioning each one of us kicking back, totally relaxed, all floating in one big pool. Ahh, it feels so nice.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots Still kinda new to ACT. I have an ACT-specific crisis line I can call and a group to go to at 4 any week day if I feel up to it (I will not today as I have been puking, shitting, raging, and crying all morning).

If you're sweating sprinkle your sheets with corn starch baby powder. It feels nice and absorbs sweat.

I am home and the cat did not bring me anything dead this morning before I left!!! I was concerned because I was awake with a storm in the night and she was insistent on going out so I expected a present but she must have decided that she wanted to stay dry somewhere (or all the prey did) and there was nothing by the time I left.

I am so relieved. My own cat is getting used to my being here again and I expect to get lots of snuggles at bedtime.


The small animals are finally safe from the love of the cat.

I’m so glad you can laugh about this.

I had to take Xanax twice today. It’s just too much stress and worry.

CR had his surgery and it went well but I'm always a wreck when he’s sick. My Apple Watch thinks I exercised this morning because of how high my heart rate was. I was anxious until they said it was over and he was waking up, and then they kept me away for another HOUR so naturally I freaked out thinking something was wrong and they just weren’t telling me. Now we’re home but I can’t settle. Every time I think I’m calm something else freaks me out.

Oh, and RS freaked me out as well last night by telling me he got short of breath with heart palpitations when I was out at work! I spent all night waking up and poking him to make sure he was still alive. Then when we got CR home, RS said he “felt funny”, the same heart palpitations and shortness of breath. So now I’m completely losing it and I desperately call my mom to come stay with CR so I can take RS to the emergency room because there’s no way I’ll ever be able to calm down if I’m not absolutely sure he’s not in immediate danger.

So anyway RS is fine, so at least I can let him sleep while I keep vigil over CR tonight. I really am going to try to sleep but I’m sure it will be broken at best.

I was about to just completely lose it and start crying earlier so I decided to color a simple flower picture. I’m a bit calmer but I still want to cry. I so wish RS could stay home this week

So my therapist wants me to talk to my pdoc about my depression. I don't feel it's that bad. I'm not talking to anyone and I pulled away from here. Which is bad but I don't know doesn't seem to bad. I'm not really participating in life. I'm so overwhelmed. I haven't turned in my hud stuff that was due last month. I'm just so defeated. I don't even know how to approach this.

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Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow I am home and the cat did not bring me anything dead this morning before I left!!! I was concerned because I was awake with a storm in the night and she was insistent on going out so I expected a present but she must have decided that she wanted to stay dry somewhere (or all the prey did) and there was nothing by the time I left. I am so relieved. My own cat is getting used to my being here again and I expect to get lots of snuggles at bedtime. The small animals are finally safe from the love of the cat.

You've had a wonderful attitude throughout that whole house sitting adventure.

I'm glad you're home. Whew!

Feeling genuinely depressed, really down, is rare for me, but I feel so today. This scares me. I hope I'm just tired. Lunch with my friend tomorrow and I feel terrible because I have basically no desire to go.

I'm glad I'm home too. I'm in my own bed and it feels so good. I've been sleeping on 3-4 inches of memory foam on my 8 year old niece's bed. It wasn't exactly uncomfortable but it wasn't comfortable.


I don't know about "wonderful attitude". I've called my mom panicking a lot of times. All there is to do in that kind of situation is to laugh. I just hope I can put it aside. I hope that when they ask me to house/dog/cat/chicken sit next year I can be brave enough to try again.


I'm sad because I came home and my Abbycat is having wheezing spells from her asthma being triggered. My mom used a cleaner over here a few days ago that seems to have started it. But the other time she had an asthma flair I was away overnight for my surgery. So my being gone 10 days probably really stressed her out even though my mom gave her lots of attention. I don't want to have to take her in to the vets for more steroids.

I'm glad I'm home too. I'm in my own bed and it feels so good. I've been sleeping on 3-4 inches of memory foam on my 8 year old niece's bed. It wasn't exactly uncomfortable but it wasn't comfortable.

I don't know about "wonderful attitude". I've called my mom panicking a lot of times. All there is to do in that kind of situation is to laugh. I just hope I can put it aside. I hope that when they ask me to house/dog/cat/chicken sit next year I can be brave enough to try again.

I'm sad because I came home and my Abbycat is having wheezing spells from her asthma being triggered. My mom used a cleaner over here a few days ago that seems to have started it. But the other time she had an asthma flair I was away overnight for my surgery. So my being gone 10 days probably really stressed her out even though my mom gave her lots of attention. I don't want to have to take her in to the vets for more steroids.

So, unless something drastic happens financially, I won't be able to go to my neurology appointment tomorrow. No water under the bridge for me as this is the doctor who turned me away for only being able to pay 90% of my total. However, it means I can't attend the interview in the same town I agreed to not three hours ago. All because someone gave me a check I couldn't cash. It's genie in the bottle quibbles (You'll get some money, but...). I managed to rope my mother into a three way call with the bank to discuss the check issue. They confirmed what I already knew, but she was mad because I wouldn't let her derail the conversation. She wanted to talk about her ailments in a bid to get sympathy. I explored all of those avenues. They all came back with "She has to be here in person for any changes or any deposits to be made."

Everyone wants to talk about money. When helping me becomes a labor of love for them, the proverbial invoices start coming in. They won't NOT help me, but they'll happily give me just enough to string me along, so that when I have to ask for more, they can go into hysterics about how they're being taken advantage of. They think that I, unemployed and unable to put gas in the car, are bleeding them dry by accepting inconsistently placed gifts they willingly gave? It's never one or the other.

Quick story: When I worked in phone retail, I had a lot of time consuming and technical tasks to perform. There was a supervisor who was unwavering in her belief that I was doing my job just to spite her and came up with an amazing conspiracy. In short, I was apparently convincing call center reps left and right to waste time, so that calls went for longer and I didn't have to do what this supervisor asked of me. Absurd, right? I had to fight this to upper management. People will go to absurd lengths make themselves "right" and this family dynamic feels no different.

With that, I have three leads that might yield results, but I can't follow up on any of them because I can't get physically get there. I'll see what can be done.

I’m awake early and feeling good. I’ve scheduled a fairly busy day. I’m going to try to stay busy and see if that helps. I’m going to pace myself and take frequent breaks. Neither will I be disappointed if it doesn’t work out. Just an idea to try out. I have a sound healing to look forward to tonight.

My tongue is hurting quite a bit. Going in the wrong direction. I will be calling for a pain med this morning.

The heat here is incredible. It was 96 yesterday but the heat index was 106. I float early then try to stay in from 12-8. Too darn hot. Yay for AC and fans!

Monday appointment to see my med provider about increasing my AD.

I hope everybody has a peaceful day.

Thank you Beth! Hope you are right!