Bipolar check-in #67

Thinking of you and sending supportive vibes

Is anyone ever really safe?

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Originally Posted by Nammu I’m in a rut. My sleep quality is down and tonight I lower the dosage to 5 mg. I do sleep but lightly. This is making my exhausted. Not tired or giving me the ability to take a nap. Just leaching energy away from me and I don’t want to do anything. I’ve seen 3 movies in 24 hours and umpteenth TV. I’m just vegetating. I’m even reading a romance of mum’s because it’s easier than going to the library and finding new books. I’m soooo tempted to take more ambien to get one good night of sleep. But that would throw out the weeks I’ve spent getting down to 5 mg. Ugh, I feel so lazy.

Sssss, I so feel for you. I do believe I know exactly the type of so-called "sleep" you are describing. It is withdrawal sleep, and it leaves one feeling - as you've said - leached of energy, unmotivated, and even depressed. You've had that "hovering" sleep, but not a true, deep sleep. Horrible.

I wish I had a great answer for you, Nammu. I've come up against withdrawal sleep many times. I've either gone back to the original sleep med (although I've tried not to do that), substituted it with a different prescribed sleep med, or - that's when I take otc sleep aids. ZzzQuil, melatonin, valerian, Tylenol PM, Simply Sleep, etc. Many times I've found the otc's just as good as the prescribed stuff, but without the next-day hangover.

Because the otc sleep meds tend to lose their effectiveness after a few days I switch them around. Or, I take a prescribed sleep med once in a while, but take the otc's more often.

For example, at this time I'm taking one of the otc's for 3 nights, a low-dose Seroquel the 4th night, a different otc for 3 more nights, and so on. Some nights I don't take anything, but that's rare.

I don't know how else to deal with sleep issues.

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Originally Posted by MuddyBoots Is anyone ever really safe?

Well, some people are safe from self-harm and self-sabotage. How's it going for you these days, Boots?

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Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow I just let the dog out to pee one last time and guess what? The cat has provided me with another rodent. I didn't get close enough to see what one in the dark. Regardless, unless she cleans it up I have ANOTHER dead animal. OH and it seems likely that a fish is dead too as I don't see one that should be in the tank. There's nothing floating and nothing on the bottom so that may be cannibalism. I'm the most lethal petsitter ever..... (Please know I'm not complaining about these things. I do get freaked out but I'm mostly laughing at the absurdity of the situation. My BIL told me before they left that she doesn't really hunt anymore. So far we've had one bird, 2 mice, a mole and a mystery rodent. I think my BIL lies . ) I hope to get to sleep soon without being awakened by thunderstorms. My mom said there was a risk south of a road I'm just barely south of so we'll see. For now the only noise is fireworks. Which I wish I'd bothered to go watch outside. I didn't realize it was a whole display until it was mostly over. I don't know how the dog would have responded if left alone with the booms though; she tolerates them but doesn't love them. I tried to convince the cat no more presents. Since she made it 3 hours I'm guessing out deal is off. Going home is coming soon. 3.5 days. 3 nights.

Ick. Just ick. Cannibalism. *chills* At least you didn't have to scoop out the poor dead fish.

I'm counting down with you.....

I am not one of those people.

That’s it exactly. It’s hard with mum expecting me to do the normal everyday chores. The leaching of energy also drains me of healing sleep that keeps my back pain at bay. Hauling water around to the flowers was almost too much. In some ways it’s much easier to do this alone. If the floors go un vacuumed so what. It’s not a disaster. They’ll get done sooner or later it’s not as if we have dogs or children dragging in the outside. Mum rarely goes out and I always take my shoes off when I come in, so it’s just dust.

The weather is magnificent! About 80 degrees today, nice breeze sent this way from the Pacific, I wish this would stay for the next couple of weeks. Alas, the temperature will heat up again mid-week. Ugh. But today!

To the store, then skating! I've been doing all my practicing in the apartment, but since the weather is lovely I can wear my protective gear without overheating. So either today or tomorrow I am venturing to skate outside. There are 2 long, smooth, cement corridors that run in front of the upstairs apartments - perfect for skating. I'm excited!

On Thursday I'm getting together for lunch with my dear friend; she and I have been friends since we were babies. They tell us we played in the playpen together. So, 59 years. It's like family to be with her. We both had severely mentally ill mothers, so there's not nearly as much "hiding" with her as with other friends.

The clinic has scheduled me for 2 appointments with Mary, who is rumored to return to work on 7/11. I hope she does. Yes, I am nervous, but very much wanting to work through the stuff with her, because I will be working through so much stuff with myself.

*~*Sparkling golden vibes & refreshing blue breezes to all~*~

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Originally Posted by Nammu That’s it exactly. It’s hard with mum expecting me to do the normal everyday chores. The leaching of energy also drains me of healing sleep that keeps my back pain at bay. Hauling water around to the flowers was almost too much. In some ways it’s much easier to do this alone. If the floors go un vacuumed so what. It’s not a disaster. They’ll get done sooner or later it’s not as if we have dogs or children dragging in the outside. Mum rarely goes out and I always take my shoes off when I come in, so it’s just dust.

Ugh, I so feel for you. For me, the hardest part of the effect of hovering sleep is usually not being able to at least take a mid-day nap to refresh and boost immune system/reduce pain.

About all I can suggest is an otc. I find Tylenol PM quite helpful, because it does help to take away that back pain while I sleep.

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Originally Posted by MuddyBoots I am not one of those people. Just waiting for the day i od....

I know. I understand. Please keep posting, we ARE here for you, Boots

More amusing than anything else, but I thought I'd share. I was scrolling through job applications in my spare time and came across a posting for a "Part Time President." It's for a group of professional cleaners and while I think President/Owner is their over-the-top pretentious way of saying Team Member, they don't explicitly say that.

I'm seriously tempted to take them at their word. Put on my best suit, make a budget for their next fiscal year, give them names of people I want on my team, negotiate benefits, and salary among other things. They want me to run the company on $35,000 a year? I think that kind of gig should net a few extra bucks, don't you?

Best case scenario: They appreciate my unmitigated gall and offer me a proper gig. Worst case scenario (But still quite a fun one!): I get to watch them uncomfortably explain that presidents are a dime a dozen at their company and owners don't own anything.

In ongoing tales of petsitting the pink fish is definitely dead and definitely eaten; my mom had me reach into the tank with a glove on and check inside the castle. So that's lovely. Then the dog disappeared on me for a heart-stopping 10 minutes; she was with me and then she was missing and not coming for treats. She finally appeared as I was getting more and more frantic. I already was only letting her out when I was there. She got away because I bent over something I was watering. So now she only goes out with 1:1 attention. And even then when I just let her out she spotted a deer on the edge of the property and took off after it. She's never going to catch a deer of course but I must admit I thought I might have to add it to my running total of death and devastation.

The hospital I go to for psych (outpatient as well as inpatient) has me do these online assessments before every appointment. My anxiety score is going to be way up for my appointment next week. When I was filling it out tonight I realized that it is going the wrong direction. But soon I'll be home and it will go back down. My mom said I'm struggling because I'm not used to having responsibilities. But I've never gotten so overwhelmed watching her dogs unless I've already been in a bipolar episode when i started (which I'm not now, just supremely anxious).

Oh well. I tried to convince the cat to not kill anything tonight. I hope she listens. I can't just keep her inside because she cries to go out. We'll see how much begging matters to the cat in the morning. Or later tonight if it's like yesterday.

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Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow In ongoing tales of petsitting the pink fish is definitely dead and definitely eaten; my mom had me reach into the tank with a glove on and check inside the castle. So that's lovely. Then the dog disappeared on me for a heart-stopping 10 minutes; she was with me and then she was missing and not coming for treats. She finally appeared as I was getting more and more frantic. I already was only letting her out when I was there. She got away because I bent over something I was watering. So now she only goes out with 1:1 attention. And even then when I just let her out she spotted a deer on the edge of the property and took off after it. She's never going to catch a deer of course but I must admit I thought I might have to add it to my running total of death and devastation. The hospital I go to for psych (outpatient as well as inpatient) has me do these online assessments before every appointment. My anxiety score is going to be way up for my appointment next week. When I was filling it out tonight I realized that it is going the wrong direction. But soon I'll be home and it will go back down. My mom said I'm struggling because I'm not used to having responsibilities. But I've never gotten so overwhelmed watching her dogs unless I've already been in a bipolar episode when i started (which I'm not now, just supremely anxious). Oh well. I tried to convince the cat to not kill anything tonight. I hope she listens. I can't just keep her inside because she cries to go out. We'll see how much begging matters to the cat in the morning. Or later tonight if it's like yesterday.

Oh good Lord, you deserve a medal for reaching into the castle. Cannibalism is...yyiiiii...part of the animal world in many ways, but so...yicky, *shivers*, yucko.

Thank the Universe the dog was okay. Here's to the cat NOT killing anything tonight.

I think you're a hero

I skated outside for 45 minutes! The cement corridors here are excellent for skating. There's a railing that I used to get my balance and footing while I checked for cracks or rough spots that could trip me up along the way. I'm also working on adjusting my wheels to a comfortable and safe spin. I wasn't quite ready to fly along yet, I took it slow. But I'm calling the first outside skate in about 40 years a success! My body feels nice and loose and not in the usual pain.

Oh- and I was playing disco with my window wide open so I could hear it. And precious Sidney, she was sitting on the cat tree in the window, meowing at me every time I passed by

oh you crack me up 😂 I do understand the anxiety but ohh 😂

Yay! 😀

And the saga continues......I just heard the cat crying and assumed she wanted in. So I went down, let the dog out to pee and told the cat she could come in. Until I realized she was holding a dead mouse.

Totals now: 2 birds, 1 chipmunk, 1 mole, 3 mice and a mystery rodent.

Plus the dead fish in the aquarium and the dead bird in the pool filter.

There's nothing to do but laugh.

BeyondtheRainbow, please be careful for your own well-being. If the cat looks at you and licks its chops, run, don't walk!

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Originally Posted by Soupe du jour BeyondtheRainbow, please be careful for your own well-being. If the cat looks at you and licks its chops, run, don't walk!

LOL. I guess if I stop showing up on here you're all know what happened.

Yesterday was tough. Much pain. The estrangement with my daughter was the icing on the cake. However…I am excited about today.

Early, I will go float at the pool to ponder and reflect. For lunch I’m going to the pool cookout with mom and a male neighbor who has been a real pillar of strength for me during this time. For an early dinner, the family is going for Japanese (salmon hibachi yum!). Mom and I will peruse more flowers, have chilled watermelon and berries again, and watch Macy’s Fireworks Spectacular to finish off the day.

I signed up for a Griefshare class for me and mom. I feel hopeful and am looking forward to it. Thanks @BeyondtheRainbow.

I hope everyone has a peaceful fourth.

I am sorry to hear that your daughter make you feel so offended, but at least you don't let her kick you down completely. That's good!

It has been 11 days since I came home from vacation sick with Covid. For 10 days I have had to stay inside. This will be my first day out.

I have no plans for the day, will only take a walk through the streets just to see other people and feel that I am a human being like the others. I feel extremely tired.

Good wishes to all!

Tomorrow at noon there will be a potential buyer visiting the house we are renting. That fact really puts the pressure on Hubby and me. We are both feeling a bit low learning how difficult it is to get a mortgage here in CZ and how expensive housing is. Some dreams seem harder to achieve than we thought. I'd be relatively satisfied with a very humble abode, but I know Hubby wants more. I realize that my being on disability is part of the issue. I do feel a bit guilty about that, but know he doesn't blame me at all. We both agreed that there is still zero regret leaving the US and our old home that we owned.

I have been getting sufficient sleep since my Seroquel dose was increased, but still wake up in the middle of the night, briefly, and wake up and get up early, with no sedation. I guess after years taking Seroquel it no longer gives an excess sedation effect. That's good. Frankly, I expected some when the addition was IR vs. ER. Nevertheless, the agitation and total dread I experienced in France has waned. The bit of sadness I now have (as mentioned above) I think is not primarily bipolar-related, but more reality-related. It won't stop us, though, from working to find solutions to these challenges.

Yesterday I gathered all of my jewelry and put some in our safe and the rest hidden in a box in the attic. This afternoon we plan to bubble wrap some other small "sort of" valuables we keep in a display cabinet that has no lock. Hubby does plan to be present during the house showings.

Having a really tough time right now with SI. It’s incredibly strong and not responding to logic. Texting with a crisis line right now. If you’re so inclined, I could use good thoughts and prayers. I’m really struggling with the loss of my best friend, my brother and my daughter. Thank you.