Bipolar check-in #67

Hi @buddha1too. It's a shame that the MSF site won't show your password in the edit password/email section, when you're logged in. I suppose the only choice to retrieve it would be to contact an administer here and ask for it or ask for it to be changed with their assistance.

It's always nice to see you check in. No need to apologize for not being around lately, though. We all have our lives to live and different times bring different needs, responsibilities, and priorities.

Hi Beth. Thanks for asking. The extra Seroquel has calmed the mixed state symptoms I had a while back. As for my moods now, I have good baseline times, but occasionally some mild down ones. Overall I see that as progress. My appetite has definitely increased, but I know I could control it better if I had the motivation to do so. Right now is still a stressful time, to be sure. My sleep has increased after a few weeks of being disrupted. In fact, now I get extremely tired early at night. Last night I even went to bed at 7:30 pm and woke up at 6 am "ish". I know that's a bit dysfunctional, but at the same time it improves my mood the next day. Also, the earlier I go to bed the less I snack at night. My hunger spikes shortly after I take my evening medications, and first thing in the morning. It's normal during the middle of the day.

By the way, I took your advice and threw out those chocolate ganache brownies/cakes. Hubby hasn't even noticed as he rarely eats such things, anyway. I did switch to some Czech wafer candy type bars, but overall they are lesser evils.

I must confess I quit my meds a couple days ago. I'm still on the Invega injection just not the depakote or zyprexa. I figure I don't need them if I'm going to be going through hell anyways.

Edit: my ffs worker cancelled on me today. She said she'll check in later this week but didn't say when. Said if I need to call the crisis line again. I have my last appointment with my NP tomorrow then I switch to the ACT psychiatrist.

I'm having major cravings right now. I think I'm going to try that group today.

I got an interview with the school district I live in for a paraprofessional. I assume I would likely be with a student who has more of an intellectual disability or autism than purely behavior, and I would be in an inclusion class or self contained, again, not for pure behavior. Less likely to be fights, serious disrespect, and triggering situations. But we’ll see. I’m going to go to the interview with an open mind but I’m not going to make any commitments just yet.

Thing is I’m just not sure I can work full time right now. I honestly would like to do a couple of more years in education just because I think my son is too immature to be trusted at home alone for a half day, much less a full day. If I’m on the same schedule as him I’ll be home when he is. If I don’t get this job or think I can’t do full time work then my plan is to substitute teach for a year. That way I only have to work when I feel up to it.

My paranoia is much less today. My anxiety is not gone but also less. I’m trying not to do the “what-ifs”. In regards to CR, we saw his surgeon today for a post op checkup and he’s doing well. I’m still very nervous off and on, not just about him but in general. But I’m more confident I’ll be ok.

Went to group, made a new friend! We're going to the park this weekend. The group was cool. There's a retired doc there who said I should try a stimulant for ADHD as he could totally tell I have it (as could my last therapist (and basically anyone close to me) but she couldn't diagnose it). He said instead of waiting 3 years to get neuropsych testing I should just ask for an ADHD med and see if it helps.
I heard a rumble of thunder. I hope we get some rain; we're in a drought.
Last appointment with my NP tomorrow, then it's the big doc.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour Hi Beth. Thanks for asking. The extra Seroquel has calmed the mixed state symptoms I had a while back. As for my moods now, I have good baseline times, but occasionally some mild down ones. Overall I see that as progress. My appetite has definitely increased, but I know I could control it better if I had the motivation to do so. Right now is still a stressful time, to be sure. My sleep has increased after a few weeks of being disrupted. In fact, now I get extremely tired early at night. Last night I even went to bed at 7:30 pm and woke up at 6 am "ish". I know that's a bit dysfunctional, but at the same time it improves my mood the next day. Also, the earlier I go to bed the less I snack at night. My hunger spikes shortly after I take my evening medications, and first thing in the morning. It's normal during the middle of the day. By the way, I took your advice and threw out those chocolate ganache brownies/cakes. Hubby hasn't even noticed as he rarely eats such things, anyway. I did switch to some Czech wafer candy type bars, but overall they are lesser evils.

I'm pleased to hear that the extra Seroquel is, overall, helping your mood(s). I don't view your sleep time as dysfunctional, Soupe. I've found that there are periods of time in life when we need to go to bed early and doing so is healthy. Don't worry...you won't do it forever.

Your hunger pattern is identical to the pattern I experienced with Seroquel. I think it's a typical one. And, truth be told, one way to cope with the later-night cravings is to sleep through them.

Ohhh, it must have been a challenge to throw out all those chocolate treats, but GOOD for you! When I've opted to toss sugary temptations I knew I was making the choice toward better mental and physical health.

Well I couldn't muster a shower or to unknot my hair. So we bought hair dye and I will cut it tomorrow. I found a place that's only charges $18 for haircuts. I know you get what you pay for but anything is better than what it is now. My t dropped me to every other week I'm hurt, I'm soupose to color this week. She wants me to pull my self out of this when I just want to sink and be self destructive. She asked me directly to continuing taking my meds. She know me to well. She tried to trick me into revealing I'm hearing things. I'm not going to admit I'm thinking things that are not true.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 I got an interview with the school district I live in for a paraprofessional. I assume I would likely be with a student who has more of an intellectual disability or autism than purely behavior, and I would be in an inclusion class or self contained, again, not for pure behavior. Less likely to be fights, serious disrespect, and triggering situations. But we’ll see. I’m going to go to the interview with an open mind but I’m not going to make any commitments just yet. Thing is I’m just not sure I can work full time right now. I honestly would like to do a couple of more years in education just because I think my son is too immature to be trusted at home alone for a half day, much less a full day. If I’m on the same schedule as him I’ll be home when he is. If I don’t get this job or think I can’t do full time work then my plan is to substitute teach for a year. That way I only have to work when I feel up to it. My paranoia is much less today. My anxiety is not gone but also less. I’m trying not to do the “what-ifs”. In regards to CR, we saw his surgeon today for a post op checkup and he’s doing well. I’m still very nervous off and on, not just about him but in general. But I’m more confident I’ll be ok.

Congratulations on getting the interview - and I like your plan regarding going to the interview without pressuring yourself to commit.

CR doing well - wonderful! Seems to me that it's normal for a mom to worry and feel anxious when her child has just gone through surgery. My daughter was 36 when she had her gall bladder removed in May; she lives in New York, she doesn't communicate with me. But she told David about her surgery and I was worried about out of my mind. Sheesh, I'm still on edge about her, should she have further health issues post-surgery.

Anyway, it's great that you're anxiety and paranoia are decreased. You're working really hard at it, you deserve success.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots Went to group, made a new friend! We're going to the park this weekend. The group was cool. There's a retired doc there who said I should try a stimulant for ADHD as he could totally tell I have it (as could my last therapist (and basically anyone close to me) but she couldn't diagnose it). He said instead of waiting 3 years to get neuropsych testing I should just ask for an ADHD med and see if it helps. I heard a rumble of thunder. I hope we get some rain; we're in a drought. Last appointment with my NP tomorrow, then it's the big doc.

Awesome that you made a friend in group! Honestly, in my life I've found that groups suit me better than individual therapy does. The group process seems so much healthier, somehow.

I'm excited for your upcoming pdoc appointment.

Rain.....

No rain Maybe Thursday says the weather channel

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom Well I couldn't muster a shower or to unknot my hair. So we bought hair dye and I will cut it tomorrow. I found a place that's only charges $18 for haircuts. I know you get what you pay for but anything is better than what it is now. My t dropped me to every other week I'm hurt, I'm soupose to color this week. She wants me to pull my self out of this when I just want to sink and be self destructive. She asked me directly to continuing taking my meds. She know me to well. She tried to trick me into revealing I'm hearing things. I'm not going to admit I'm thinking things that are not true.

She dropped you to every other week...is she doing a "tough love" type of move?

I don't know. shes probably busy. I'm not really doing anything to help myself. I'm kinda comfy with this. Flirting with harmful thoughts. But I can't act on them because my son needs me

That's good that you care for your son! He needs you!

Yesterday was not good! Am at the breakfast table, now. Will follow up with my usual morning activities. Feel tired and lonely, but need to fight. After that (doing my mornuing routine) I hope to continue cleaning my home. Hope to be able to take a walk outside later in the day.

I send good wishes for the day of each one of you!

Yesterday was not good at all. I met with the lawyer. She got everything set on her end. I should have a court date in just over a month to get my name legally changed. Then I have to go to each individual office to get things changed. I have go to the social secuirty office, the DMV to get my state ID changed. And I forget where else. My passport needs to be changed if I ever want to leave the country again. But anyways it looks like the name thing will officially happen in mid to late September then I have to do the other stuff after. I mean the lawyer was nice and she filed the petition or whatever for my name change and did all that but she wasn't really telling us like what order we needed to do things in once the name was changed. Like what office we needed to go to first and stuff and my mom was asking her and she was just a bit clueless I guess.

Anyways after that my mom and I went out for lunch and to Walgreens and there were some weird people out. They werent being weird towards my mom and I but there were just like creepy characters like at Walgreens and stuff and even my mom said there were weird people out too. I got an emergency pdoc appointment set up for Monday. I'm hoping he can help me out without me gaining weight. Then I was able to reschedule my therapy session for this morning. Which is the time and day I thought we agreed to, I have no idea where this Tuesday time came from. I see the pulmonogist on Friday and he'll check me out for sleep apnea. I see my blood doctor and my endocronolgist at the end of the month and they both want different blood work so I'll get them both done at the same time to see if anything is up physically I'm pretty much guessing some of what I'm feeling is the hematrcrit. I'm not feeling very great mentally or physically and things seem to be getting worse.

I ****ING HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to die so badly. I can't do anything right. I just wander around the city hoping I get shot or hit by a car or something but I just really uncomfortable right now and I can't stand it I'm ugly crying and I called the crisis line and they're just like "well why don't you listen to music and write" so I went home and tried it but I can't stand noise my neighbors are playing music and I want to do violent things to them. And writing. I suck at writing. I have no ounce of creativity in me anymore and no craft either so why bother if it's just going to upset me more.

I ****ing hate my dad. I just want to get high and escape these feelings.

I was thinking that too, sounds like some sort of ''tough love''. (never worked for me, I don't know many it has ever worked for). Do you think this has made you more depressed? Maybe the colouring is a good idea. The hair? Ugh. A big ''problem'' for me, I couldn't even go near any hair dye.

I hate it when there is unwanted noise from neighbours on top of everything else. There has been some noisy building work near here lately. Makes me so angry! (I guess I already was angry). I get it about wanting to die. And feeling ugly. I stay in and isolate rather than wandering around outside hoping I get hit or something. I wish I had some benzos and could sleep!

I guess that's one of the reasons I'm not currently consulting a therapist. I think they would judge my appearance (an A hole T did judge the clothes I was wearing some time ago, saying in a mean voice I wore clothes for ''young'' people. I WAS YOUNG And I was wearing those boots for a reason so I could go for a walk afterwards. A HOLE.

Sorry about the rant

Tough''love''... never ''works'' for me

I also think that the group process seems healthier. We don't know that person, that therapist, sitting opposite us. Especially if they are the blank screen type and say little for a long time. There are some... who are very dysfunctional and mean individuals. Like in any profession I suppose but it is NOT OK.

It's awesome that you've made a friend in group, MuddyBoots

I am currently wildly paranoid but at least I recognize it as such and am trying to fact check.

I pushed myself to physically go to group instead of doing virtual at home. It was terrible, I was panicking the whole time, I spent the whole time either playing with my fidget or writing safety statements. Which is not a problem obviously, those are healthy coping skills. But the safety statements usually help and they did not, and I wrote dozens of them.

I was supposed to get my hair cut but I can’t bear even the thought so I didn’t. I came home, deadbolted the doors, double checked and locked all the windows, and I’m here in my room with my door shut but I don’t know where the key is (it’s a mortise lock).

I’m definitely calmer now that I’m at home. I’m very tired from the anxiety so I may take a nap. I’m fighting strong self harm urges. I did a pro/con and the cons outweigh the pros, as expected. Mainly if I go IP again they likely won’t let me out, I’ll be sent to the state hospital, which has a horrific reputation. I know it’s probably awful because I was in the one for kids before they shut it down for mistreatment of patients. Yeah I witnessed that every day.

I wish the dr would take me seriously and give me haldol but all she’s saying is it’s “expected” and understandable” and I just need to use my skills. So I have my stuffed animal and an ice pack and I’m going to lay here until it’s time to pick my son up from camp. Not exactly fighting it but not completely feeding into it either.

So I spoke with an advisor at my college today. I haven't taken classes in about 3 years but am registering for the Fall semester which starts August 29th! I changed my major from Human Services to Liberal Arts with a concentration in English. I'm going to be taking one class that semester (an English class), and it will be an online class because I don't feel mentally ready to go back into a room full of students again yet, my anxiety and paranoia have been too bad for that, maybe the following semester I'll take an in-person class. Anyway, I'm excited! I'm working on finishing my associates degree. Then after that I'm going to try to transfer to a 4 year college to get higher degrees (the one I'm at is a 2 year community college)

Next Monday I'm volunteering at a local place that serves free meals to the community. So I'm a little nervous but also looking forward to that.

Hope everyone has a peaceful end of the week/weekend

I'm happy to be getting my life somewhat together and back on track

My pdoc called around 11:15. I was supposed to have an in office appointment at 11 but I slept right through it. I was having lots of vivid interesting dreams! So we just had a phone appointment and I told her that everything is "hunky dory". Which it is. I'm feeling just fine- knock on wood! She asked if I'm having any hallucinations and I said no which I'm not. She wants to see me in about 6 weeks.

My mom's husband told me to go home a bit ago- I was out- because there's going to be a storm with hail etc but it's sunny and blue skies now. Of course! It rained earlier but that wasn't the storm he was talking about.

I don't know what to do. I could put away my clean clothes I suppose. My mom washed them for me and her husband brought them back to me- as well as having picked them up. I'm not allowed to lift or push anything heavy for 2 weeks and laundry is certainly heavy especially carrying it up 3 flights of stairs. She may have to wash them for me one more time before the two weeks is up as I need to do wash about once a week.

Md, but the name change is wonderful! Just take it step by step - I would start with the ss office and go from there.

Fuzzy and Mm, I do NOT believe in tough love for anyone, for any reason. No, no, no.

Boots, The depth of your pain equals agony that for me feels like having third degree burns. You know, you don't have to *do* anything. Throw the nothing out to the Universe. I swear, something really will come back to inspire you eventually. It might not be in a rush, but it will happen. It sounds like your dad is being a jerk & if you want to, write about it here.

wfc, "Expected and understandable, use your tools"? I call BS. You have been using your tools and working so, so hard at it. How long does she expect you to twist in the wind?

Hurray, Birdie! How E X C I T I N G about school! (I'm fond of your major, I was an English lit major.) The volunteering also sounds terrific. You'll be so busy I'll bet your anxiety will dissolve right away.

Moose, You're a trooper, chickie!


GoGo, Keep fighting the good fight!


Jennifer, how're you?

Christina?

@*Beth*

I agree. There’s a difference between rough anxiety and blatant paranoia. Today I spent six hours in a panic no matter what I did. I finally calmed down around 3:30pm. Then RS came home and I couldn’t lie to him bc if I do he gets upset (rightfully). He’s very upset anyway. He’s afraid I’m going to go IP again. Hell, I’m afraid I’m going to go IP again if the damn dr won’t give me haldol.

I went back out with RS out of necessity, that was 6:30 and I’m still panicking. It’s 9pm. Even Xanax is not working. I will definitely be taking extra seroquel and I can only hope it works because I don’t even feel safe enough to sit in the living room by myself.