Bipolar check-in #70

Ugh. Still feeling so sick. I see gastroenterologist next Friday. My gerd is crazy bad so eating bland while I’m off meds to take carafate for my
Tummy. I can only eat a little
But at once

I just want the nausea to go away. I constantly feel like I’m
Gonna get sick.

@*Beth* was today another cool, nice day? Was only up to 50F here but sunny so it didn’t seem so bad. To me this is sweatshirt weather, just went out with hoody, jeans and crocs

I am overwhelmed with chores, omph my aching back, but I do want to check in and say hi.

We experienced a "moderate" earthquake yesterday - a 5.1. Fortunately, it did not do any significant damage anywhere. The usual, items falling off store shelves. There were aftershocks (there always are after a larger 'quake). Hopefully, that's it and nothing stronger will come our way. Not to be actually afraid, though - nearly everything is retrofitted these days. My son (in S.F.) did feel the 'quake, I didn't, probably because I was in the medical clinic getting (LOL) a pap test done at the very time

Speaking of the clinic, you guys, my new GP is the gentlest, kindest, loveliest man! Intelligent, listens so well. Explains everything. Honestly, he reminds me of doctors I had when I was a child - way back when doctors were not rushed in the least, listened, spoke kindly, treated their patient with dignity, comforted, gave a sense of security and hope. And he actually wrote things down on paper, not only on the computer. Oh, I feel blessed! And his MA nurse person is just as lovely. Gentle, sweet, and thorough. And she had worked for 29 years as an obstetric nurse so she has wonderful stories of helping to deliver babies.

Oh - and my new GP wasn't the least bit daunted by psych meds. He was knowledgeable, in fact! And get this - he gave me a referral to the MD there, a man who specializes in helping people with medication withdrawal. It's the Klonopin I'm looking to get off of, after around 30 years on it. It is likely that the withdrawal dude will use the method of substituting another, less addictive benzo to help ameliorate the withdrawal effects of the K-pin. @unlived, it's the method you've mentioned to me. It has a name...the Ashton Method?? Something like that.

Okay, I'm off to turn on some Halloween music and get to my chores. I wish a day of good health, or at least good stable health, to all

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu @*Beth* was today another cool, nice day? Was only up to 50F here but sunny so it didn’t seem so bad. To me this is sweatshirt weather, just went out with hoody, jeans and crocs

Yes, lovely. We're definitely in the 70's now (afternoons), chilly mornings, upper 50's.

When we go down to the lower 50's (and then 40's) I will be bundled in layers of warm clothing. My apartment has a nice gas wall heater, but they became illegal to use because apparently some wall heater somewhere caught fire. So they've installed this other thing that runs on electricity. It warms the rooms, but in an odd way...you can't stand in front of it and get toasty like a body could with the old wall heater. Plus, it's *supposed* to be cheaper to run, but it isn't, of course.

I've used those good old wall heaters in so many places I've lived and if I wasn't afraid to, I'd light the pilot light and use it for the winter. I just wish they'd leave good, old things alone Speaking of good, old things I've rested my back, so here I go to more chores.

Beth I’m glad you have a good GP. It makes such a huge difference to our overall quality of life. Yeah my first GP here was like that too. But he moved to a bigger town. The one I have now is competent but is just missing that extra quality that makes them excellent.

Wish I could post pictures, there’s a soo bored cat mime I’d post, cause yeah, I’m so bored 😑

Thanks everyone for the support and kindness as always.

I’m so anxious today and my pain is brutal. I just want to sleep for a week !

Hugs everyone !

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Is your back sore from standing all of the time at your job?
Is there anyway you could stretch at work?
I know it would look funny for the other employees

but you need to give your back a stretch maybe
if you excuse yourself to the bathroom.
And have a bit of privacy.
just brainstorming.
sorry about your back and anxiety.
bizi

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Beth I’m glad you have a good GP. It makes such a huge difference to our overall quality of life. Yeah my first GP here was like that too. But he moved to a bigger town. The one I have now is competent but is just missing that extra quality that makes them excellent. Wish I could post pictures, there’s a soo bored cat mime I’d post, cause yeah, I’m so bored 😑

Thank you and yes, it sure does. You know, when I was in the exam room with my new GP it occurred to me how much my former GP had not bothered with. I wonder how long it's going to take me to learn to change a situation that isn't working, rather than almost always telling myself I'm the one who's wrong.

Oh, gosh. I'm sorry you're bored

Quote:

Originally Posted by bizi Is your back sore from standing all of the time at your job? Is there anyway you could stretch at work? I know it would look funny for the other employees but you need to give your back a stretch maybe if you excuse yourself to the bathroom. And have a bit of privacy. just brainstorming. sorry about your back and anxiety. bizi

Please forgive me for hijacking. Christina has decided that the job isn't working for her. (I say, good for Christina for practicing self care!)

So you all were kind enough to hear me complain about the atrocious heat this summer/early fall. Now I'm going to moan about the early arrival of night. Can't we have both pleasant weather and longer days? I mean, I like the night, it's just that I wish they'd quit yakking about doing away with the time change and just stop having it. About all of my life it's been We're gonna stop having a time change, yup! Gonna vote on it this coming election! I would like night to come around 7:30 and that's-that. Any earlier I start struggling with depression and anxiety. Something about the light changing so quickly.

Yup, I’ll agree. They voted last year, again. But I think it did pass so I don’t know what the hold up is. I’m dreading November 6th when we fall back and the dark is so early. Doesn’t make me anxious unless I have to drive in it. Which is more likely after November. And doesn’t make me depressed but it is like a dark shroud descended and muted the color, dulled the shine and took some of the taste out of the world. Not to mention the subzero temperatures that come with it. Mother Nature is mean, winter here last 6 months, summer 4 months, leaving spring and fall a measly 2 months. more than half the time winter steals and extra month! Giving the two best seasons such a short time.

From November 6th until December 21st I dread the shorter and shorter days. 6 long, long weeks of dark and cold. Oh I know there’s thanksgiving and football 🏈. Neither are much to me. Thanksgiving has always been a chore and I hate football. Christmas comes after the solstice just as the days start getting longer. An to be truthful I do enjoy the lights, the decorations but Christmas itself is also a chore. From December 21st until March is a bitter cold but hopeful time as days get brighter. Finally in March the dreaded cold starts to thaw. And real hope blossoms.

This past week has been extraordinarily busy for my husband and me. Some fun stuff, at least. One was going to a movie theater. The movie was in Italian with Czech subtitles, though primarily focused on classical music, so it was still pleasant for me. I did at least get the gist of the story.

Yesterday my brother had his first chemo therapy treatment. I woke up to read a WhatsApp text from Sis that it went well, then they video called me through WhatsApp a little later (5 am their time). I was happy to hear my brother sounding a bit better. He even said to me that he knew he did.

Please forgive me for hijacking (if it is).. this is helpful to me. I forget to stretch and go to the bathroom sometimes. My back is sore from all of a particular ''job''/activity I have.

''I would be WRONG to bring it up again''

hmmm. Probably true but the reasons cannot be shared. The GP surgery we use is one of the better (best?) ones around here. The doctors do not have time to listen though. Two out of the three absolutely Awful GP's were locums. I still remember their stinging, rushed words I mentioned a ''private GP'' to papa bear. He had many reasons why that was a sub optimal idea.

WHY do some of us almost always tell ourselves we are the one who is wrong? Only to often be proved ''not wrong'' after all.

I have ''daddy bear'' Christmas pyjamas on tonight. Opened them the other day. Would be good for an autumn stroll.

I almost always have told myself that I'm the one who is wrong too..

In fact it usually is not the case..

My former (and other) GP's have much they did not bother with. I discussed this with Papa bear only today.

I would be wrong to bring it up again...

I just came back from the dentist. I had been stressing about the appointment since I do drink a lot of soda and eat candy and tic tacs and my brushing and flossing needs to be worked on. Plus I was having pain. The hygienst and dentist just say I have some gum inflamattion and 2 not big deal cavities that need to be fixed before they do actually become an issue. I have some white spots on my front teeth so she prescribed a prescription toothpaste. Mainly the pain I'm having is from the clenching I'm doing and they say each time I see them they can make me a splint. I just have to find $500. My mom says she doesn't get how I do it and how I never have anything majorly wrong when I go to the dentist. I've never had a root canal. I've never needed a crown. I was concerned with my tic tac fiasco during the summer. I like how honest this practice is. Its not a medicaid or medicare dentist so they are very honest with you and don't lie and say you have a lot of stuff wrong so they can get paid more. Plus the people are really nice and its painless.

ack.

I thought I had started a new post. Instead I must have hit ''edit'' .. not my intention. It takes me more than a couple of minutes sometimes to think and type (so I don't ''keep making mistakes'') and I don't want to start all over again

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Yup, I’ll agree. They voted last year, again. But I think it did pass so I don’t know what the hold up is. I’m dreading November 6th when we fall back and the dark is so early. Doesn’t make me anxious unless I have to drive in it. Which is more likely after November. Exactly - we've voted here, too; people overwhelmingly vote to stop the time change - but there it sits, year after year. I don't know what the heck is going on. I used to love to drive at night, but now it makes me jumpy. I just don't trust my eyesight and my car is old. And doesn’t make me depressed but it is like a dark shroud descended and muted the color, dulled the shine and took some of the taste out of the world. Not to mention the subzero temperatures that come with it. Mother Nature is mean, winter here last 6 months, summer 4 months, leaving spring and fall a measly 2 months. more than half the time winter steals and extra month! Giving the two best seasons such a short time. Yikes, that's a lot of very cold weather. Sub-zero The coldest temperature I've ever been in was in the mountains. 4 degrees and I thought I'd freeze to death. I'm surprised I didn't lose toes. You've described the earlier fall of darkness so well. From November 6th until December 21st I dread the shorter and shorter days. 6 long, long weeks of dark and cold. Oh I know there’s thanksgiving and football 🏈. Neither are much to me. Thanksgiving has always been a chore and I hate football. Christmas comes after the solstice just as the days start getting longer. An to be truthful I do enjoy the lights, the decorations but Christmas itself is also a chore. From December 21st until March is a bitter cold but hopeful time as days get brighter. Finally in March the dreaded cold starts to thaw. And real hope blossoms. Yes, T-giving kind-of grosses me out and I cannot tolerate football. ugh. Or basketball, for that matter - even worse. Baseball is my game. I enjoy holiday music some and I very much like the pretty lights. I get tired of seeing those huge blow-up Christmas themed whatevers that have deflated and lie there pathetic, on the grass. I think to myself, people have spent so much money on those blow-up things, only to have the them deflate. It must be frustrating as heck! Your description of the change from winter to spring is beautiful. I can see the flowers blooming. My sister used to give me a bouquet of lilacs from her garden every spring, tied with a ribbon. Oh, they were delightful! Colored from pinkish to true lilac to purple, and of course the scent! I miss them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How nice those Christmas pajamas sound @Fuzzybear. Enjoy them

It's when GP's rush through the appointment that feels so dismissive.

The best sleep I get is between 7:30 and 10:30 a.m. I have to go to bed a little late and up quite early to check Sidney's glucose. There's a drug rehab house behind the apartment complex I live in. The house has a large courtyard in front of it where people gather and such. Yes, there's music and loud chatter, all to be expected, although it definitely gets loud at times and continues past midnight. Not intolerable.

But this morning someone was using a tall metal pole to do *something* exactly beneath my bedroom window. Clang, clang, etc, etc., and it morphed into the use of a chainsaw. 5 hours! I am quite sure that he was just passing time, not working on a necessary project. I had ear plugs in, but his doings were causing this building to shake...it was so frustrating because I needed sleep! The people who stay in that house forget they have neighbors. I sent an email to the director of the place, so I suppose I'll receive a snotty reply from her.

And now it's back to more chores, tired or not. I have a long list and it is fun to cross off a chore when it's finished.

Well Steve and I had a awful big fight earlier. We seldom ever had a argument. He feels he was right and I feel I was right. I have no desire to even talk about it. We just aren’t talking and I’m okay with that.

My pain is still awful. I’m hoping by tomorrow things will ease up.

I’m really needing to start accepting I have rather large obstacles in regards to my over all health. Honestly I never thought I’d be 55 on disability and in such poor health. The fact remains that we simply can’t pay our bills and survive off SSDI. So I have to find something.

Sorry I’m so down and whiney

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You have every right to be disappointed and grumbling. It’s been one thing after another for you and Steve. Maybe you should give voc rehab another shot. Yes they drag their feet but I bet they could help put you in a better work environment.

My breast MRI is Tuesday and post-op and mammogram on Thursday. Anxiety is suddenly really high this evening and I'm fighting a panic attack. (ETA: I never actually had a panic attack. Just in case that's not clear. I'm sort of ok, sort of shaky still but I'm ok.)

I think it's hitting now because I was busy all day. I had a much-needed hair cut, a very expensive Walmart trip, a trip into CVS to get my meds because the car pick-up line was out to the street and then a trip to the library and then the bulk food store on the way home. Compared to the last few weeks that's probably 4 days worth of activity.


I took some gabapentin but if I don't feel less panicky soon I'm going to have to take klonopin. Which isn't a bad thing exactly, just I don't know what happens if I take it now. Oh, and lots of deep breathing.


Typing here is helping ground me. Thank you to everyone who has read this far as I'm afraid this may be jumbled.


I just want this over with. Other than knowing that laying face-down for the MRI will be uncomfortable I'm mostly worried about the mammogram. Last time I had one they immediately did a 3D one and then ultrasounds of both breasts. I assume that will be true again if anything is unusual which it will be. And that just is the cycle I was in all winter: test, abnormal result, test, abnormal result, repeat. I don't want more biopsies or surgeries. I guess this time would have the difference that I won't do it until my genetics testing comes back. I'll do that when I am at the hospital and it takes 2-3 weeks to come back. But those results determine how things proceed from here.


I really wish I could talk to my pdoc. She's the only person I know who has been through this. I am hoping to see her in person in Nov. We'll see.

That's another mess. I get my Emsam patches through patient assistance. They send the patches to my pdoc and they give them to me (or mail them if I'm not coming that month). Well the hospital mail system is slow. It's taken 2-3 weeks to get from the package being signed for until it gets to my pdoc's secretary. But this time it's been 5 weeks and no sign of it yet. I have about 15 patches left. There is proof of delivery so I assume the hospital will replace it if they don't find it (one box (or 3) is more than my monthly income) but I'm getting really stressed. I have emailed twice letting them know I'll be at the hospital next week and can pick it up so there's not more mail time but they haven't answered or updated. It's really freaking me out. I NEED that med....

And that's enough. I've settled down so thanks for listening. Maybe I'll manage to get to sleep early tonight since I took that gabapentin earlier than my usual scheduled dose. That would be good.

@BeyondtheRainbow

I keep remembering this guy from my last hospitalization (almost 7 years!). "Leonard". He works in the hospitals' IOP and does one program per week with he IP floor. I know from my other hospitalizations that he was boring and somehow I'd heard his same program 2 times because of his rotation system. But he's harmless and the one time he actually just talked to us was good.

Anyway, that last hospitalization was to get me off high-dose Seroquel and onto a decent dose of clozaril very quickly. I had been told when I chose that way that I would feel pretty bad for a while and I did, physically and mentally. No surprise. I kept trying to go to groups but mostly only lasted a few minutes. The pdoc told me that I was at the peak of the transitions and was excused from groups for a few days until I felt better. The best thing I could do for now was to sleep.

So when I'd tried other groups I sat in the back so I could leave without disturbing everyone. I explained this to Leonard before his group. He told me no, I'd sit with everyone else. I told him that groups were very hard for me right then and the doctor had actually excused me from them. (This is a mood disorder unit and participation is expected and an excuse is rare). He basically accused me of lying.

Another patient just grabbed my arm and removed me as I sobbed. She also said something to Leonard about how she's seen how hard I'm trying and how bad I feel. She was really mad, the kind of mad I should have been but was too sick to communicate.


So I decide I should try the group because I know he'll come to my room and pressure me into going; I've seen him do that before. So he made me sit in the front. And then he read something and went around the group asking questions. He asked me one and I burst into tears again. He tried to make me say something and finally the same person who saved me before told him maybe crying was my answer to his question. I got up, looked for tissues, saw none and left.

This is bothering me so much right now. I have no idea why. I have no intention of going back to the hospital any time and honestly Leonard is probably retired by now.

I keep thinking about it and how helpless I felt. Maybe that's it; I feel kinda helpless now. Whatever. I just want to stop thinking about it.

I also want to sleep......Good thing I don't have plans tomorrow b/c I'm going to have to take my full .5 mg klonopin PRN.


Morning to all of you!

@BeyondtheRainbow

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