Bipolar check-in #70

HALLIEBETH, I'm sorry your long-time psychiatrist is retiring, but you're so lucky that you saw the same good doc for so many years. I left my pdoc of 15 years a couple years ago. It was super sad, but not as hard as I imagined. In any case, you'll never forget him, I'm sure. I'll never forget mine.

I did find a good new pdoc in Czech Republic two years ago, but have just moved and have to start again. Such is life.

What a lovely looking trail, Aurelius! I'll say that yours was much more in the woods than mine was. We did mostly walk on paved surfaces, but on narrow back roads. There were opportunities to take shortcuts, but I refused them because of my shoes. I was wearing summery Sketchers that would have gotten soaked in the woods and inadequate for the conditions. If I had known we wanted such a hike, I would have worn my hiking boots...and a rain jacket.

All along the walk we took yesterday were natural springs, from which you could drink the water. There were even cups left there to do so, though I wouldn't want to use them. The appeal of the walk was that it was through an area of abandoned gold mines from the long ago past. It also led to a beautiful river called the Sazava. Attached is a photo of one entrance to the mines with a saint sculpture inset into the walls. The whole area had beautiful trees and fern. Pretty Czech cottages were also interspersed here and there.

Apparently they don’t. I was in a group mental health setting once and a woman was doing the same thing to me and I mentioned it to my case manager and she said it was part of her mental illness and she doesn’t even realise she’s doing it.

Wow that sounds beautiful.

I fell asleep last night at 6 which was actually 5. Then I woke up at 2:30 which was actually 3:30. I wasn't sure if the clock was going to switch back or if it had already but it did. So I guess I got my normal amount of sleep if not a bit more. I got up and took a shower for the first time in 2 days. I cleaned my monster mess of a room and now it is so neat. I watched the news and got a peppermint iced latte from Dunkin Donuts. I guess I'm still worn out though. I still am looking on the thinner side and I'm not trying to lose weight. I haven't been very hungry since Thursday night but I've been pushing the fluids and the protein at least. My sister and brother in law might come over today with their minons to pick up some stuff. I can't wait for all the screaming and loud talking to begin. I've had bad hot and cold flashes since Wednesday night. Today they are really bad. One minute I am sweating the next I am shivering under a blanket. Also peppermint mocha always messes with my anxiety real bad and causes flashbacks for no reason. I don't know why I keep drinking it each year.

Yeah there was quite a bit of screaming yelling and screeching. I got a migraine from it and now I'm in my room with the door shut and I don't give 2 ****s if I'm being rude. I have boundaries too which people often forget or think they don't matter.

I almost want to write a thank you note to my gynecologist for doing my hystrectomy.

I did really well with the time change last night, but immediately when I awoke this morning I felt anxious. The slight increase in Lamictal has been helping so much with depression; I hope that increase isn't causing anxiety, though. That would be rather crushing.

Today is 63 degrees and feels really cold. Tonight we are guaranteed rain!

Lol, 63F! 😂

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Lol, 63F! 😂

I have a pile of clothes on, the heater blasting, and I am shivering. No kidding, I really am. I'm going to add wool socks in a minute. Then take the garbage & recycling out and find some sun to stand in. Damn weather here drives me nuts.

😂 It’s 54F here but our houses have good insulation and central heat. I have the thermostat set on 69 but it’s 73 in here, I’m roasting! Have bare feet and shortsleeved PJs on. 😂 oh beth I feel for you. The native Texas’s were much the same. I’d go out in shirtsleeves and they’d be bundled up.

I think what it is, is that the cold here is damp. I mean, we're a coastal state. My mom, a born and raised Californian who moved to NYC when she was 19 (married my dad, a native of Brooklyn), absolutely despised the weather here. She said that the east coast cold was very dry, whereas the cold here is damp. "It goes right through your bones" is what she'd say.

Anyway. Today marks 5 years since my daughter has communicated with me. No, she does not "hate" me (someone on the forum once PM'ed me and said that). She just tells my husband that she and I were too close, she needed to be on her own, and "needs time." She's living in NYC, going to univ for her Ph.D. She's very busy and doing well. She has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder 1 (essentially, mania). But, she is committed to therapy and follows her medication needs exactly. The most recent thing she's told David, when he told her he wishes she would call me, is that "I'm so busy, I'm not really focused on calling Mom now."

Needless to say, I'm not having the best day so far. Lots of anxiety. I grieve for her, just to hear her, hug her, kiss her soft cheek. Go shopping like we used to do. But I recognize that those times are very special memories. So for now...if only I could just hear her voice.

I'm afraid of the night that will come in less than 3 hours. I'm afraid everything will go wrong. I'm terrified of losing more loved ones. I'm just so scared of everything, and so tired of feeling this way.

But thank you @Nammu. I so appreciate your kind understanding. This is a lot like Texas, except thank the good Lord we don't have that humidity. I know I complain a lot about the weather. And yes- central air/heat would help. The kitchen is so hot, but the bedroom is so cold. I have noticed that with medication + getting older my body doesn't seem to stabilize. One minute I'm freezing, will pile on clothes - 5 minutes later I'm overheated and tearing off clothes. So I guess I can't totally blame the weather, I suppose some of it is just me

These hot and cold flashes are unbearable. I switch from sweating to freezing every few minutes. I'm wearing shorts and a T shirt and I have my fan going on medium and I have light blanket on and I still can't get any relief. Eating dinner just made my migraine worse and I weigh less then I did this morning. I looked at my portal. When I got my blood drawn on the 7th my hematrcrit was 44% for my blood doctors test. And 45% for my endocronglist on the 20th. My blood doctor doesn't like me to go over 45% according to my endocronogist. So I'm guessing my level is already high again. I get blood work done again on the 9th. These hot flashes are causing me to panic though. Plus I don't know whats leftover from Covid either.

The loss of appetite and weird weight loss does sound concerning but its probably just the high level. I was hungry today but I was out of protein donuts and so I didn't feel like eating anything really.

I think I'm just out of luck at this point. Dinner, Tylenol, my gastro med, my geodon, and a pepcid did nothing to get rid of my symptoms except for my anxiety and panic like feeling.

For the first day I’m over a month I have not had nausea and crippling stomach pain. I feel so much better. I’ve been up since 7am abd accomplished a lot. So grateful.

what a lovely photo!

sounds like menopause!

Beth I'm dealing with the same thing. Mine just started though on Wednesday but its not menopauase. I'm always freezing but for once my mom was colder then I was today.

I wonder if yours is also related to hormones?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed Beth I'm dealing with the same thing. Mine just started though on Wednesday but its not menopauase. I'm always freezing but for once my mom was colder then I was today.

I'm sorry, Md The hot-colds are just miserable. Really interfere with life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87 For the first day I’m over a month I have not had nausea and crippling stomach pain. I feel so much better. I’ve been up since 7am abd accomplished a lot. So grateful.

Yay! That is terrific, Hallie!

Beth, I can understand how hard this day must be for you. I don’t know how I would live if my son ever decides to stop speaking to me. I actually fear it given the trauma I’ve put him through with my multiple hospitalizations. I know that’s not your situation at all but I just couldn’t imagine not hearing from him anymore. I hope one day your daughter sees sense. I know you’d welcome her back with open arms

I’m so glad!

My wrist and fingers are getting more painful every day. I don’t have my emg until Dec 9 so I can’t schedule surgery until the new year. Advil and Tylenol together make the pain bearable though so even though im waking up at night in pain I can fumble around for a Tylenol and go back to sleep pretty quickly.

We’re going to Florida for a couple of days this week during the teacher’s convention because CR and I both have off. We’re going to meet RS’s grandpa for the first time and hang out on the gulf side. Not where the hurricane hit, more north of Tampa. Im extremely claustrophobic and planes scare the bejeezus out of me but I think I still have Xanax left so I’ll bring a couple of those and download some movies on my phone, and bring a Harry Potter book or two. I think I’ll be ok. I have no worries about the plane crashing, just being trapped in an aluminum tube with no way out I don’t even like subways tbh. I almost died of panic in the crystal caves. Elevators? No thank you. I’ll take the stairs seven flights if the elevator looks rickety.

But it should be nice. It’s only for a couple of days and only with RS’s parents instead of the whole bunch of people we went with to NC two summers ago.

If it’s nice we might go for a whole week in April during spring break.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 Beth, I can understand how hard this day must be for you. I don’t know how I would live if my son ever decides to stop speaking to me. I actually fear it given the trauma I’ve put him through with my multiple hospitalizations. I know that’s not your situation at all but I just couldn’t imagine not hearing from him anymore. I hope one day your daughter sees sense. I know you’d welcome her back with open arms

Thank you. So, so much. Your words, and your support, mean more than I can even find words to express.

My daughter and I were always the ones who so many people asked, "How do the two of you do it, you're so close!" And we were. Definitely mother and daughter, but also best buds.

She'd gone to college, gotten married, then decided to enter university. From that time on she acted distant to me, more and more. When I asked her if something was wrong her answer was always, "Nah, I'm just tired." She was extremely moody. I was concerned (very), but put it down to the stress of classes, marriage, and just being worn out. We went to lunch and to a movie. Later that week was the 1st anniv of my sister's death and I didn't take it well. I couldn't stop crying all day. My daughter was annoyed. I finally ended up going to the psych ER because I couldn't calm myself down and stop crying.

My daughter came to the ER, was furious at me, yelling at me. I was calm, though, and explained to her that losing my sister had been extremely hard for me. N. stormed out of the hospital, cut all ties with me, and would tell David only that she needed space from me.

I had always, without fail, put her first. My best friend had chided me for years, telling me I "allowed N. to run the house." But I loved my daughter sooo much. To me, there was nothing she could do wrong. I'm still not angry at her, I'm just crushed. Completely crushed.

Anyway, thank you wfc Always keep talking with CR, keep the lines of communication open. It's all you can do. And I swear, sons are different! While N1 was so furious with me, Noah was only compassionate. He understood how I felt about my sister's death, and why I couldn't stop crying. He was right there for me.

I am terribly sorry to hear about your wrists and fingers @wildflowerchild25. How miserable.

Take that Xanax, sweetie. No point in being any more uncomfortable than you need to be

A rotten day. I cried all day and am so tired.

Then I tested Sidney's glucose at 10 and her number was low. That's always so scary, and she's been doing beautifully for the past couple of weeks. I fed her some high-carb food + a bit of honey; her number did go up. I'll test her again in fifteen minutes, then at midnight if her number is going up in fifteen minutes. She is such an intelligent, precious, special little being. All this poking, so much every single day; she never once fights me. Never. Why must she have this and if she must, why can some cats get stable, but Sid can't? We do every single thing right, her diet, everything.

So a day can always be worse than another day, but this day has been pretty rotten. I never thought my life would go like this, I can't understand it all. I don't understand why I lose so many beloved things. My third child would be in high school now, had that baby lived. I do count my blessings, but it gets hard.

It is raining, though, so that's nice to listen to.