Bipolar check-in #71

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Originally Posted by Aurelius710 Bit belated in my response, but I have been working with my doctor for a while on the issue. "Benign growths" are unfortunately not an unfamiliar term for me. Had a humongous one in my throat, the ones in my colon, possible one in my thyroid and now the one on my spine. All benign at the moment, but an obvious cancer risk the more I get. As far as causes go, their best guess is a 1 in 250,000 genetic disorder that deals with tumor suppression. It a best guess because genetic testing didn't actually find a mutation in that particular gene, but because I still have the symptoms, they are declaring a related gene the presumptive cause and giving me the diagnosis anyway. Still doesn't answer my question completely. It just lends itself to LOTS of diagnostic testing.

Geez, that's rough. Well, you're doing all you can, Aurelius.

Well it’s windy and cold today. We have some bitter cold coming while Steve is gone. I just pray nothing stupid happens here while he’s gone. I truly hope the forecast changes.

I got notice yesterday that my insurance will no longer pay for my PsA (psoriatic arthritis) and skin psoriasis medication and they showed what they will pay for. I need to call my rheumatologists office Monday to find out what he wants me to take. I’m very stressed because this medication is working well. Always something.

Hugs friends

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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 My son’s Guinea pig is sick and probably dying. Poor thing is a senior piggie so it’s understandable but CR is very sad. And get this, RS was crying last night over this Guinea pig!!! I feel like a heartless hag! I like the Guinea pig well enough but I’m not devastated by his loss like I would be if it were my cat. I thought it was super sweet that RS would cry over his buddy Herbert though. Makes me love him even more. He wants to get a little angel statue for Herbert’s grave when he finally passes. Oh how our pets can get into our hearts! I’m kind of concerned about myself though. I have been very irritable and anxious. I feel like everyone at work is judging us as a classroom. Like they’re talking about us behind our back and judging us. Of course, it is entirely possible that this is true but the anxious part of it is the problem because I’m worried about it when I should be like who cares if they are! The irritability is a concern. I just don’t want abilify to not work or make things worse. The initial side effects have not been pleasant. Nausea, headache, tiredness. I’ve only taken it for five days so I hope they will subside in time. The nausea is already getting better.

Aw, I'm awfully sorry about Herbert. If it is his time to pass I hope things go painlessly and quickly.

Something I have observed in my *a-hem* vast experience with psych meds is that usually, the more side effects I have, the better the med ultimately works. Since you have had the nausea, tiredness, headache, and since the nausea is already subsiding & hopefully the other side effects will, too - perhaps Abilify will end up being an effective med for you.

But with regard to the irritability and anxiety, I experienced that on Abilify (also the sensation that I was going to literally jump out of my skin). I'm having irritability with one or both of the medications med dude has raised (like, BAD irritability...last night it was horrible). It seems that the meds for bipolar disorder can cause akathesia (not sure that's the correct term). Whatever the term, the sensation of terrible irritability.

I truly hate to take a medication to treat the side effect of a medication, but I do know that cogentin, for example, can be used to treat Abilify agitation.

I'm sorry. I'm wandering. Speaking of side effects. The Topomax is making is hard for me to focus. I'm throwing ideas out there. I'm sorry if none of this makes sense, wfc. Hopefully something does

Ohhh, @Aurelius710, poor Napoleon. His life certainly was adventurous! But it came to such a very sad end. Enjoy the book.

I'm in the midst of watching the Harry and Meghan docuseries, in the middle of the 4th episode. So far, no mention of Camilla. I try, I really, really try. But I just...every time I look at her my gut tightens. Were it not for her, and if Diana was standing by Charles' side, wouldn't Harry also be there with the family, and... It just seems to me that Camilla is the rotten seed.

I do feel somewhat better about Meghan since listening to her. She has more integrity than I'd thought she did. Something that caught me up, she says "like" a lot. Her speech pattern is that of such a typical southern Californian. "Like" this, "like" that. I started feeling embarrassed for her, and began to realize how much I say like, which is...too much.

"So, um, like, I think I'll, like, go to the store and then, umm..."

EEK! I even say "like" when I think inside my mind.

I'm going to watch that in myself. It's okay to say like once in a while, but it sounds ugly to overuse it.

Ehh, a rather mundane cold snowy day here. Typical dark winter day. The heat is set on 72 but it feels cold and the cold front isn’t even here yet. Just reading and passing time today. Since I was cold and tired I tried going to bed about 3 but eh, I can never sleep during the day, but I did warm up.

I hate this cold weather thinking of moving down south.

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I do wish I had the money to have two addresses. I’d live up here during the warm seasons and in New Mexico during the winter. It’s not the warmest weather but it is sunny and I love the architecture and food.

I'm hungry. Got some ham from a friend so that's going to be dinner. I spent the day with my mom baking shortbread and snow cookies. That's about it. I'm still depressed. But FWB stopped by for maybe 10 minutes and gave me lots of kisses and long hugs. That was the highlight of my day. I am only not feeling depressed when I'm asleep. My dreams are always interesting.

I am recovering from the car accident. The surgeon had to screw in ten plates to stabilize my pelvic bone. I cannot do the simple things like sweep the floor, wash the dishes, or make dinner. My doctor now tells me that I can start to place weight on my leg. This is good news. However, I will hate to look at my hospital bills, probably well over $10,000. No way can I afford to pay it off. Every time I think about this, my anxiety level goes up. But at least I am still alive.

Heading to bed soon. This evening has been a bit unsettling. I'm feeling like I'm trapped in my mind and things are feeling crazy. I miss my mom a lot, and it scares me because I cry about it. I mean, crying won't change anything, and what if I just cry and don't stop? That's something that has always terrified me.

@cool09, I'm sorry you're struggling so much with your bipolar disorder and mental health professionals understanding. If this is any consolation, I've had long periods when my episodes were impossible to control. However, that period did eventually ease and end. I know when they go on and on it's hard to imagine they can. My guess is it's part of the kindling effect, where one episode makes it more likely for other episodes and the "ups and downs" of the disorder seem like a roller coaster impossible to stop. But it eventually does. Please keep doing your best to fight it, advocating for yourself fiercely.

We're setting off for our trip at about 3 am tomorrow morning. Still plenty to do, but we got a lot done yesterday. After my packing, I started cleaning the house. I'm sure the owner will come in and check on the place during our absence. The owner's father lives next door.

When we get back, it's going to be a whirlwind of doctor appointments and related tests. I'll be glad when they're all over. I'm only really worried about my kidney health, as the GP said it's worsened. [Damn Lithium to hell! Sorry, I can't recommend that medication.] I finally see my upcoming new psychiatrist in early February. I've never had so much time between psychiatrist appointments since before 17 years ago. My last appointment was on September 26. Over 4 months between! My last pdoc had to submit a new batch of prescriptions electronically to tide me over.

"Past 3 o'clock on a cold frosty morning..."
I just woke up because my CPAP kept turning off. It's ok now though.

I still feel depressed. Been up since 3. Went to bed at 11. What's it mean if you're depressed but can't sleep?

The 100mil Prestiq is working pretty well. My anxiety has been low enough that I was able to take 2.5 valiums to make it to the 21st even though they always fill it a day or 2 early. I've been trying not to do that. The only issue is that its making me kinda hungry. And the increase in my injections isn't helping much either. Luckily I'm not craving any real unhealthy foods so I'm still able to keep my calories and carbs down. But this morning I ate 2 Oiko yogurts with 15 grams of protein each, an Activia yogurt, and an apple, and my stomach was still rumbling like crazy. I think if I just keep a good supply of yogurt, fruit, fish, and frozen grilled Tyson chicken, on hand I can manage my hunger. Because both the Prestiq and the upping of my shot seems like its helping. I don't feel paranoid or nervous like I did before and I'm not worrying about much.

Insomnia can be a symptom of depression itself. Some people can't sleep, some people sleep more, it's really a toss up. I know I usually sleep less (and sometimes that causes it to turn mixed if I don't medicate myself [with OTC sleep meds or Seroquel] to sleep more which is what I've been doing lately).

I think not sleeping with depression is more common in bipolar than major depression.

I haven't been sleeping all too great so I've been taking a bunch of melatonin and even then I'm waking up at like 3am. Last two January's I've been manic... memories of straight-lining black diamonds, breaking my hip attempting street skiing, and doing 2am runs on the side of the highway come to mind. I hope this isn't the beginning of that. I don't have any other symptoms (yet) and I think Haldol is extremely effective for me so if I'm lucky I'll have a nice mild euphoric hypomania where I just write more creatively, wake up early enough to go hiking/ice climbing, and dance a lot.

Nammu, I've actually read the opposite. That people with bipolar disorder tend to experience hypersomnia in depression more than insomnia. I also once read that you need not fit any tendency and that if one tends towards insomnia in depression that it doesn't mean you're not bipolar.

See Bipolar and Excessive Sleep Solutions | HealthyPlace.

" In major depression, hypersomnia is common, with about 30% of people experiencing it. However, in bipolar disorder excessive sleep is even more common. Across studies, 38–78% of people with bipolar disorder experience hypersomnia and it is highly recurrent."

I believe it comes down to what Dr. James Phelps proposes in his "Wave Theory". See the chart in his article at Rapid Cycling And Mixed States As Waves – Psych My guess why people with bipolar may tend towards hypersomnia in depression is because of some form of crash after hypo/mania and/or the polar opposite effect to mania, in terms of neurotransmitter goings on.

Thanks I did not know that. I was going off my own experience. I’m bipolar 1 and manic or depression I don’t sleep. It was way back in the early 80’s I was told it was because I was bipolar. Hopefully they’ve learned more about bipolar since then.

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Originally Posted by Soupe du jour ...part of the kindling effect, where one episode makes it more likely for other episodes and the "ups and downs" of the disorder seem like a roller coaster impossible to stop. But it eventually does. Please keep doing your best to fight it, advocating for yourself fiercely.

Actually, the kindling effect theory (as I recall it from a long time ago, so I could admittedly be off) hypothesizes that episodes initially begin as a reaction to psychosocial stimuli, but over time happen on their own. So the brain essentially "takes over." It's a rather fascinating theory and occurs in various forms within a number of mental illness and traumatic disorders.

But most importantly, you are correct: as hard as this battle is, we must do our best to fight it and in order to fight it the top priority seems to be that we absolutely have to advocate for ourselves. It seems wrong - no, it is wrong. But it is what it is, so advocate we must.

Back in July I ordered 9 vacuum cleaner bags for my beloved compact vacuum. I have a lifetime history of bum vacuum cleaners, I don't know what the problem is. But this little thing is a gem. Anyway, my apartment is tiny and there's no way I've used more than 3 bags since July, especially because the bags are quite large. There just aren't many places I could have stashed those bags! Darned if I'm going to order any more, either. So I am on the hunt for my missing vac bags. I've already eliminated 2 possible locations; only one remains. That one involves some lifting, but nothing too bad. So I'm rolling up my sleeves and off I go.

Sorry I haven't posted the past few days, just been feeling bad lately mentally. Going through childhood trauma from living with my alcoholic mentally unstable mom with my therapist last week brought up all kinds of memories, and there's still something big I have to talk to her about next time we meet.

Anyway, I kept it a secret for my whole life. Never told my mom, anyone. I told my sister about it recently. It happened over 20 years ago. As a kid I felt disgusted about myself, ashamed and hated myself, my body, thought I would go to hell for what my friend did, would stay up crying at night.

Back to what I was originally saying, I never told any therapist about this either because I figured it was stupid or irrelevent. But I think it played a part of a role in some of my mental health issues as a child/early teen. So I'm finally going to talk about it at my next appointment on the 5th. I figured the past is the past but all of it did have some significance and caused me to hate myself,. This combined with my life with my mom. Not ever feeling comfortable talking to her about it because she was the way she was. She wasn't much of a role model or parental figure, I was just there, while she drank all day everyday and got us evicted 20 something times and moving all across the country. She was supposed to go to rehab when she was pregnant with me,but she left and continued drinking the whole time. And seeing her get yelled at, punched buy a guy. Just not good living environments

The cats got their new scratching post!

Beth and Soupe-- I've heard the kindling effect is just that each episode over time becomes more severe and harder to treat.