Bipolar check-in #71

I need to order some vacuum filter replacements. I’ve been wondering where to get them for so long and finally just looked up my model on Amazon and found replacements.

I’m not sure what therapists are supposed to do about trauma , my therapist is going to go over some trauma stuff with me for the first time time at our next appointment though so I’ll let you know

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I was so hungry yesterday but I managed it and when I weighed myself this morning I was 3.2 pounds less then I was yesterday. I know I had a ton of protein from all the Greek yogurts I had and I had fish for dinner. I'm one less pound then I have been recently. Today I was hungry but after 3 yogurts and an apple I feel ok. I went to the grocery store about an hour ago and got a ton more yogurt and more fruit. I felt self consicious leaving the store because my jeans are so baggy and my jacket doesn't fit much better either. But no one paid any attention to me. I got a new pair of jeans from Target last week and then I ordered 2 pairs from Hollister that are coming today. So I'll have jeans that fit now. I plan on taking a shower in a bit if my Hollister stuff comes in the next 45 minutes or else I'll wear the Target pair., Then I am going to watch the hearings and then I have therapy. I don't know what to expect from her today about anything. I do feel quite a bit better since the med changes though.

Oo after two weeks of sleeping in getting up was hard to do. I was a contestant in a game show when the alarm went off. Mum said she was fishing up at the cabin, when I woke her.

Her appointment went good. The weakness she has with her legs they said was an effect of covid. It will probably last three months or so. She wasn’t happy to hear them tell her to start PT right away again. Wednesday a home nurse is going to come and go over her meds.

I have fitness today and a bunch of errands to get done before the numbing sub zero temps come tomorrow. So I want to get things done today while it’s in the teens, cause tomorrow the temps drop big time. Then Thursday and Friday snow.

I see my therapist tomorow and I’m afraid. I literally can’t tell him
About feelings bugs on me. He would think I need
Ip and I don’t. I doing ok. No self harm
Thoughts at all

My grandmother from my fathers side (he left when I was 2 months old and I didn’t meet him , only once when I was 22 I met him. And I never met my grandmother or any others of them in person. Anyway I have that side of my family on Facebook. My grandmother wants me to call her today so we can talk some so I agreed to call her today at 12:30pm. It’s gonna feel awkward to be honest because I don’t really know her other than from Facebook over the years and that was just her liking and commenting occasionally on my posts. She’s 74 now. She randomly sent me a Christmas card which I got the other day. I’m a little nervous about talking to her. I don’t like talking on the phone in general especially with people I don’t usually talk to. It makes me nervous. But I agreed to call her so I will be doing that in a few minutes from now. She called and left a message yesterday and it caught me off guard so I texted and asked her if we could talk today instead because I wasn’t expecting her to call and didn’t feel up to it yesterday.

I went grocery shopping today. Spent $58 and didn’t get much. Stuff is so expensive.

I hope your moms PT goes well Nammu

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I eat a lot of Greek yogurt, it’s good and pretty healthy if you get the plain unsweetened kind

I got some fruit as well today. Just some bananas and blueberries to put in oatmeal, yogurt, and protein smoothies

Hope your new stuff fits well. I hate when I’m wearing stuff that fits poorly. It makes me feel really self conscious

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I lived in Kentucky for several years(in the middle part, right outside of Louisville) when I was 18 my therapist had the cops come and take me to get a mental inquest warrant with a judge. They took me directly in a cop car from the mental health clinic. because I refused to go to the hospital but I was delusional and also a danger to myself. I think you’ll be okay if you tell him, as long as you’re not a danger to yourself or others

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Originally Posted by MuddyBoots My kittens are wearing off on me. I just caught myself playing with the hanging light switch to the ceiling fan For some reason they like licking blankets (anyone know why?) I'm confused because my therapist asked if I wanted to reschedule to 2 today or cancel and I said reschedule and she told me next week is a phone appointment and then at the end of the call she said "talk to you next week."

Cats lick the weirdest things! I had one sweetpea, such a gentle fluff, he used to lick photographs like crazy. A vet told me that maybe he liked the fish emulsion that photos were coated with. I have a cat that licks walls. I mean, she does it like she's licking steak.

??? Um, that is confusing. So...

My fiancés cat, grace, likes the window blinds

Halliebeth I agree with bluebird I think you’ll be fine if your honest, as long as you don’t have harm thoughts.

I was thinking, @Nammu, don't know if you've ever visited San Diego, but I'll bet you'd just love it! Gorgeous weather year-round. Nice and warm. The architecture is Spanish style and that blue-blue ocean and the beaches are just about everywhere you look. Lots of Mexican food, and especially delicious. I have a friend, she and her husband live in Blaine, MN and took a vacation to San Diego. The last of their 4 children is in high school and they're seriously considering retiring to SD.

Beth, my uncle lived in San Diego. The hip one who gave me all the far out books. I’d love San Diego but it’s much too big for me. If I had the money I’d move to New Mexico, one of the artists towns. I loved living in Albuquerque. In the summer it’s dry heat and winters depending on the town don’t get much snow, but definitely not -20 below

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird I’m not sure what therapists are supposed to do about trauma , my therapist is going to go over some trauma stuff with me for the first time time at our next appointment though so I’ll let you know

Thanks, Birdie. I would really appreciate it. Mine does sand tray, which I've found helpful a couple of times, but the other times I felt like I was just forcing it. She doesn't do EMDR. And I don't ever know anymore...do I even want to work on the stuff? I'm sure tired of having it haunt me, but I don't feel the energy to work on it, either. Then I wonder would I want to if I had the right t?


I want to ask - what kind of toys do you have for your cats? I have balls, those mylar scrunchies, and certain cats love them. But other cats seem really bored, especially now, in the winter. I give them cat nip. They have nano bugs but the stupid things keep turning upside down. I'm looking for new ideas. I feel so sorry for the bored ones.

How long have you been seeing your therapist? I finally started bringing this stuff up now with my current therapist of almost 7 years. It took me a long time to decide to talk about it because I never felt it was relevant. But I feel like she is good and a good person to talk to about it because I've been seeing her so long and I really trust her.

My cats love the wand toys, search cat wand toys on amazon or chewy. It's like a stick with a string and feathers or toys hanging off the end. You just kind of swing it around and the cats love to chase it. It makes me get more active too because I have to get up and walk around with it to play with them.

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Thought I’d chime in here, my guy love, loves, loves, the tiny colorful mice. The bigger mice, are so so. He doesn’t do balls. He loves interactive toys on a string. He knows it’s me that make the furry feathers moves but he loves it. Laser s bore him. His absolute favorites are those tiny mice. I put them in baggies with catnip and he goes wild. Strangely though bigger cat nip toys don’t appeal to him.

Cats love chasing the red dot from laser pointers too , Chewy has laser pointers for cats too

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Originally Posted by Nammu Beth, my uncle lived in San Diego. The hip one who gave me all the far out books. I’d love San Diego but it’s much too big for me. If I had the money I’d move to New Mexico, one of the artists towns. I loved living in Albuquerque. In the summer it’s dry heat and winters depending on the town don’t get much snow, but definitely not -20 below

How funny, that he lived in SD, of all places that I'd pick! And it's also amusing - I've always thought of SD as small, because I compare it in my mind to huge Los Angeles. But actually it's not small, it's just smaller than L.A. I loved New Mexico when I visited it. Taos. The colors were gorgeous. I just wouldn't be able to be away from the ocean, I would grieve for it. But I would not want to live in San Diego, myself - or in SoCal! Waaay too...beautiful, yes - but sooo phony.

Honestly, if I could afford to live anywhere in this entire state (I mean besides some elite celebrity community like where Prince Harry lives)...oh, geez. I must be getting old. I am in love with San Francisco (who wouldn't be?), I will always hold a special place in my heart for Berkeley. But you know, I'd just like to go "home" to Sacramento. Silly old Sacramento.

I've been doing OK I guess -- just disappearing/reappearing a lot from most social things (like this forum for example). I got word a week or so ago my therapist is leaving the clinic and she can't take me on at her other job because they don't take my insurance. She's trying to work with me to figure something out where I could stay with her but I don't think it'll work out. She's gone Jan 1. I've not kept count -- but she's number 8 whose left me in 4 years time. I really liked this one too.

I am supposed to go see my doctor in person for a drug test to get my medicine but I missed my appointment because of anxiety of driving 1.5 hours to the city to see him. I haven't rescheduled. I've been without Adderall now almost a week and honestly I feel it may be for the better -- it's a huge quality of life advancement but it's never been worth the chronicled here issues it takes to get it. I may just try to find someone closer and ditch the Adderall. It shouldn't be so hard to get a doctor to prescribe me the other meds. Anyway, I'm just floating thoughts around.

Holidays aren't the best time for me. My mood isn't great -- as per usual we don't put up a tree or decorate. Unemployed I can't give much to any one. I hate feeling like a burden, and I especially hate being in moments where gifts are going to be given and I can't give back.

Despite having all this, today I feel oddly well. I'm rather happy. Let's hope the good vibes stay.

Miss you guys, I gotta catch up with the reading .

@Brentus. Hello 👋🏼 welcome back

Is it normal to have intrusive thoughts telling you to stay sick when you're fighting to get better? That's what my thoughts are telling me during my panic attacks. I feel hopeless.

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Originally Posted by Blue_Bird How long have you been seeing your therapist? I finally started bringing this stuff up now with my current therapist of almost 7 years. It took me a long time to decide to talk about it because I never felt it was relevant. But I feel like she is good and a good person to talk to about it because I've been seeing her so long and I really trust her. My cats love the wand toys, search cat wand toys on amazon or chewy. It's like a stick with a string and feathers or toys hanging off the end. You just kind of swing it around and the cats love to chase it. It makes me get more active too because I have to get up and walk around with it to play with them. Sent from my M8L using Tapatalk

Well, I've been seeing her for almost 5 years, but she's been absent so much for health problems (I know they're genuine, but ) and sometimes family issues (seems she has a lot of those) so if I add it all up, I'd say we've actually been in therapy for 3 1/2 years. The inconsistency is terrible, so stressful for me that in the first month of our therapy I was in a manic episode, she got sick, I had a breakdown, and that was when I was taken by the cops (not at all kindly) to IP. That time she was out for a full 3 months.

Add her absences to her very bad memory (she takes loads of notes; I don't know why). She has confused me with other clients on occasion, and thought someone in my life had passed who had not, at all, which was quite awkward.

I began talking with her about my trauma issues quite early on...maybe 6 months in. She was very supportive. I just

Thank you for the toy ideas!

I called my case manager today and left a voicemail asking if she could print out one of my proofs for food stamps recertification. She called my back and said that she'd already given it to me when she came over on Friday. "Do you remember my coming over?" Well yes I do remember that. And someone- not my case manager- suggested that I may have early-onset dementia! Yes another reason to see a neurologist! And my pdoc still hasnt- as far as I know- gotten back to my primary about the Haldol and its side effects. My primary and my voice specialist need the information soon I guess- not sure why. I guess I'll go call pdoc and see what can be done.

Therapy went well. I felt like puking the entire time but we had a good session and got a lot talked about. She handed me play doh to play with while we talked which was mildly annoying but not a big deal. I mentioned my transference therapist but I didn't mention that she was a therapist. Just a women I had a crush on who I had to leave. Therapists that I have told tend to go into major freak out mode or ask super uncomfortable questions when I go into full detail about her.

Anyways it was just a good session. I don't know what keeps making me feel sick though. I eat the same stuff everyday and take the same meds.

@*Beth* in my experience you have to be really ready for the trauma stuff and have a firm trust that the therapist is going to be there for you before you can do it. I had years of therapy with this therapist before we started the trauma stuff in detail. We talked about it intermittently for several years but it wasn't until 6 years in that we reached the point I could tell him everything that I needed to tell him and work through it. I did exposure therapy which is harsher than some of the other options and there is no way I could have done that without trusting him. And when I say trusting him I mean I had to trust that he was going to be there every week until the worst was over. When he went on vacation I saw another therapist just to have the support (we did not talk about trauma). M doesn't really seem to give you that structural support, so to speak. and I know I couldn't have done the exposure therapy without that kind of support.

Just my experience and opinion.....

I told my therapist it was bothering me how people were saying they wish DJT would commit S or have a stroke. She thinks its because the people who are wishing that are just stooping down to his level. Yeah he should totally go to jail because that is his own doing though.