Bipolar check-in #71

@*Beth* I'm now doing trauma work with my T. I've been with her for a year and we've only just started slowly getting into it.

She's spent a lot of time going through coping strategies with me to deal with the dissociation, plus breathing and grounding exercises. She said it's very important that she helps me keep as safe as possible (we work remotely) and that we always work at my pace.

I know you like your T, but I'd be concerned that she wasn't consistent or reliable enough to safely do trauma work with. What if you were in the midst of difficult stuff with her and then she went absent again for weeks or months? Doing that could leave you in a terrible position. I'd just started trauma work with my previous T when she had to stop working due to terminal illness. Having to abruptly stop the work with her, and then her subsequently dying, left me in a really bad place and it took me a long time to begin to trust someone else enough to restart trauma work. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

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Hello @East17, it's great to meet you , I don't think we've met before.

Losing your previous therapist like that was surely terribly traumatizing.

My first "serious" therapist, many years ago, was an extraordinarily gifted psychologist. I was in therapy with him for 6 years and the therapy ended abruptly, literally in 1 day, due to him being deployed (this was through the veteran's administration). I was devastated. It took me 21 years to even consider getting back into therapy.

And yes, my current t and I have been working in-depth on trauma issues when she suddenly became ill and was gone for days, weeks, or months at a time. All sorts of madness has resulted, believe me.

It's good to see you @Brentus I'm so sorry about your therapist leaving. That's rough. I understand about the anxiety of not wanting to drive into your appointment. It's been probably the roughest holiday season I've ever had. Can't seem to pull myself together. It does sound like you're doing well, considering. There's a thread in Other Mental Health called Can We Talk (It's the Season) or something like that, if you feel like you want to or need to just talk about how you're feeling this season. And of course, there's always this thread

I’ve done my best to stay busy and keep everybody’s spirits up but I can feel mine sinking day by day as we get closer to Christmas. I’m not eating or sleeping and everything makes me cry. I’m missing my brother. I’ve got good support around me and it’s still an open wound. I’m sure next year will be better. This year is tough.

The maid came and did an outstanding job of finishing up decorating for Christmas. Very festive. Everything looks great. We decided to have lasagna for a meal because everyone is having a tough time. I volunteered to sit in his seat - couldn’t leave it empty.

Aside from this grief….life is good. The new friendships and relationship are mutually nourishing and nurturing. I’m staying busy with things I enjoy. Things are moving along.

I hope everyone has a peaceful night. Much love

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Originally Posted by Nammu Beth, my uncle lived in San Diego. The hip one who gave me all the far out books. I’d love San Diego but it’s much too big for me. If I had the money I’d move to New Mexico, one of the artists towns. I loved living in Albuquerque. In the summer it’s dry heat and winters depending on the town don’t get much snow, but definitely not -20 below

Yes indeed, NM would be fabulous. Years ago I had a chance to buy property within easy driving distance to Santa Fe. I passed on the offer- giant poor choice. SF, Taos, Espanola, I could go for it. Even Las Cruces (I'm a big time Hatch chile fan so the 45 min drive to Hatch is totally worth it.) I agree, living around SF would be totally awesome.

Bouncing around, chasing shiny things, losing track of time. Not so good but the upside is I recognize what's happening.

I finally went back to a session with Mary. I told her I cancelled both sessions last week because I had to take time to think over how to talk with her about how I felt about the session in which she told me about her personal stuff.

Mary said she tends to talk with me about things that are more personal because she has always felt we'd be friends, had we met under different circumstances, then said that maybe she takes that too far sometimes.

This sort of thing is not new, it has happened to me with a couple of teachers, for example. Nothing nefarious, just a bit strange.

I told her that I am desperate to volunteer with intensive situations, as I have in the past. Long story. She suggested the hospital in town. Visiting patients. That sounds absolutely perfect. Something I can do...really listening to people, holding a hand. Making a difference.

When I left, Mary handed me a large shopping bag. When I came home I opened it to find 2 cards. 1 happy holidays, 1 very lovely birthday card. A lined journal and a lovely, warm, burgundy scarf.
I had given her a birthday card last week, but no gift because I got into such "trouble" for the gifts I gave to her while she was sick for 3 months in the spring/summer. I was a bit confused; I thought we were allowed only very small gifts, such as a box of tea.

So it seems I have a "friend" to talk with who...is empathetic, gives great hugs, and I suppose I just take it for what it is. I'm not paying for the sessions and truthfully, by now I've pretty much figured my family out. I've faced the reality that the pain of my father leaving when I was a little girl is never going to stop hurting. And so on. I've been practicing mindfulness meditation since 1977 and it's great, but nothing beats the feeling of escaping into a Stones song. So

Sounds confusing

Soupe … I hope your flights go smoothly !

Blue…. Over the years. I’ve done alot of Trauma work… it’s exhausting and can destabilize things for a while. But getting on the other side is so worth it.

Hallie …. I can’t wait til you find stability again

Nammu .. glad Mum is doing better. Glad home help is coming ! Stay warm! I knew Sir was not a kitten but I didn’t realize he was such a elderly guy. Give him a few scratches from Gus and I.

Moose .. are you seeing a neurologist?

Beth ! Glad you found the vac bags. The scarf sounds lovely.

Miguel’s mom.. I hope you can get in that apartment. You truly need a home of your own.

~~~~~~

Well my weather is going to be brutal while Steve is gone 1-4 degree lows and not even above freezing for 3 days I don’t even want to think of wind chills

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I have had both hypersomnia in bipolar depression and early awakenings with not being able to go back to sleep. Sudden awakenings, wide awake, no way to go back to sleep, and thoughts of guilt and/or regret. Oh, why did I not marry that specific suitor–in such times it appears that marrying that specific suitor years ago was the ONLY way out of my current trouble and not having done the ONLY RIGHT thing in the past has doomed me for life. It is funny to write about it after the fact but very hard to live that experience.

Right now I am struggling with hypersomnia and appreciate the links above.

ETA: [MENTION=8748]soupe du jour/MENTION] you posted linked about excessive sleep, but I cannot find that post now. Would you mind reposting for me?

Ugh, can’t sleep. Forgot to take the ambien, so got thrown off schedule. My bed to too hot, too cold, a bunch of rocks. Sir tried to chill me out, but no go. MSF is sleeping tho!

Instead of Greek yogurt (which is very good, do not take me wrong), I now buy plain Icelandic Skyr (yogurt). The Icelandic Provisions brand has 20 mg protein per a 6 oz serving. By contrast, Trader Joe's Greek Yogurt has 17 mg. My handout on weight loss and maintenance advises 20 mg of protein per meal, so Icelandic Skyr alone satisfies this requirement. And it is very tasty.

Good question Beth, I would like to know this too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam I have had both hypersomnia in bipolar depression and early awakenings with not being able to go back to sleep. Sudden awakenings, wide awake, no way to go back to sleep, and thoughts of guilt and/or regret. Oh, why did I not marry that specific suitor–in such times it appears that marrying that specific suitor years ago was the ONLY way out of my current trouble and not having done the ONLY RIGHT thing in the past has doomed me for life. It is funny to write about it after the fact but very hard to live that experience. Right now I am struggling with hypersomnia and appreciate the links above. ETA: [MENTION=8748]soupe du jour/MENTION] you posted linked about excessive sleep, but I cannot find that post now. Would you mind reposting for me?

I'm so sorry you're having the sleep problems. That can really make a mess of things.

When you tag someone you have to type their name exactly as they use it, upper case and all. It's kind-of annoying, but it won't work it you don't do it that way. For example, Soupe has a capital "S" - so @Soupe du jour should work.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Sounds confusing

Quite. Thanks for your honest opinion, Nammu.

I just don't feel up for getting into trauma work at this point in my life. I've gone over it so much. And I'm very familiar with mindfulness meditation. I think that DBT skills would help me, though. Mary doesn't work with them, but another therapist there does. I'm thinking of making an appointment for a few sessions with her to do some DBT work. Driving over to have a "girlfriend" session with Mary is all warm and fuzzy, but it increases my anxiety. I leave every session feeling oddly confused. Unsettled.

Sunday service was a special, but not ostentatious occasion. The pastor preached the annual Christmas message and gave out cards for the church to the various members. Simple, but nice.

Yesterday, my mom asked me for help taking her car to get the oil changed. It was quite overdue courtesy of her eyesight issues, but even with a large measure of sight restored, my mom didn't feel confident driving.

It could have also been that storm cloud on a sunny day, my father, on his twelfth hour calling my mother every variety of stupid he could think of. All over a battery that needed to be replaced anyway accidentally running out. Storm Cloud even tried to get me to join in. He clearly relishes the "I told you so!" bit, but has no sense of proportion.

Anyway, my mom and I got the oil changed on her car (I got mine done earlier in the day.), she got her COVID booster and, never one to turn down free food, we had dinner. Chicken Kiev and Baked Potatoes.

Today though, I work. Here's hoping for a good day!

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I told my therapist it was bothering me how people were saying they wish DJT would commit S or have a stroke. She thinks its because the people who are wishing that are just stooping down to his level. Yeah he should totally go to jail because that is his own doing though.

I would never wish someone would suicide or have a stroke. That's horrid. Although Hitler chose the former option and I'm fine with it; I'm guessing most decent people are, in his case.

Many people believe in the death penalty because they believe that a certain person is so terribly psychopathic that they are a danger to others. It's like a dog that is so very vicious that it attacks other people and animals at every opportunity, and could kill them. A terribly sad situation, but that dog must be put down.

So it may be with some people. Someone may be a danger to others to such a point at which that person would be better off removed from society, in one way or another.

DT has done severe damage to this nation. And directly because of him people died on January 6th or, later, as a result of January 6th.

Possible trigger:

There were at least 2 suicides that were the result of the January 6th event.

So if DT were

Possible trigger:

assassinated

no, I would not be sorry - I was hoping it would have happened years ago, before he did the abhorrent damage he's done, the moral and ethical crimes he's committed against the people of this country and against the people of other countries. Before he locked children in cages and mangled their lives, for example.

I don't agree with your therapist, at all. By wishing that man off the earth I am not stooping to his level. By being okay with him on the earth - that is stooping to his level.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aurelius710 ....

I hope you're proud of yourself, Aurelius. You're a good son. Your mom is very, very fortunate.

My nausea and stomach was such a mess last night I couldn't eat dinner so I was pretty low on calories for the day. I just went to bed on an empty stomach. I looked at my calander and this happened last week when I got my weekly shot. The day after I felt so nauseated I barely ate all day. Its probably just me getting adjusted to the new dose. Today my hunger is still kinda low but I've had a lot of protein in what I did eat plus I still think the Prestiq is causing some loss of appetite. My nausea is gone though and my anxiety is pretty managable. I slept last night on one melatonin and I've only taken 1 valium today. My moods are fine too. My med increases are helping it seems besides the appetite issues. I think the weight I've lost is just water weight.

My therapist pushed our appointment from January 5th to today since she said she had time because she’ll be in the office until 7pm. I called requesting an earlier appointment than January 5th if possible (my housing support specialist recommended I do so yesterday) because my anxiety, paranoia, and dissociation have been so severe the past week, and I still have that thing I really need to talk to her about. I need to get it out of my head and finally discuss it. So I will have an appointment with her at 5pm today. I’m nervous but hopefully it goes well, I hope I feel better afterward from talking about it like you said you did after your appointment @BeyondtheRainbow

I just don’t want to spend the holiday season obsessing over it and having horrible panic attacks. I had a severe panic attack and dissociation and paranoia yesterday to the point where I was shaking and felt like I couldn’t breath and get disconnected and worried my meds and food were poisoning me, that the pharmacist put something in my meds to kill me (that’s a reoccurring paranoid thought I have)

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Good comparison, an animal that needs to be put down for the greater good.

I think that’s an excellent idea. I didn’t get DBT either it came out too recently and at first it was only for borderline but from everything I hear about it it could Benefits just about everyone. If nothing else the other therapist might have better boundaries.

Oh, I so hope it helps. Good for speaking up. The 5th is a long time. Yay, for speaking up.

I had a heck of a time sleeping last night. Finally around 6 am I fell into a dream induced sleep. Lots going on in my dreams, I had a ton of “stuff” I was trying to organize and my sister packed it away all wrong and I burst into tears trying to save the cat playscapes . There was a little boy who wanted to play with girl stuff and people weren’t letting him, so I produced a comic book with him as a hero. Then he became a hero!

First thing I had to do this morning when I woke up was bundle up and take the recycling out. Brr it’s 1F degree out there, feels like temp of -13F tv is full of the coming storm.

Man you guys. People wishing ill on other people often have it come right back and get you or a family member. Be careful with what you wish for. Karma and omens are real. They go both ways.