Bipolar check-in #71

I meant to mention, @Soupe du jour, that I think acquiring a pet is a wonderful idea, and a cat would be less (though certainly not no) maintenance, and as pets go, a peaceful being to share your home with. That said (and again, from my own experience...but I do have plenty of in this area), I'll throw out there that perhaps you might consider waiting until your own health is a bit more stable? The idea of having a pet sounds all-good and all-comfort. But really, there's sleep loss involved and a lot of worry (and of course, expense), stress, and sometimes unexpected major hour-to-hour anxiety + enormous commitment (for example, if a pet is diagnosed with diabetes - which is not terribly rare).

Rather than a moving, breathing stuffed animal I tend to liken a pet to having a preschooler around the house. Precious? Absolutely? Gives life meaning? Without a doubt? Sometimes exhausting? Yes.

Just thoughts I'm tossing out there.

Last Friday was the 1 year anniversary date of my wife's death. My daughter and I went to the Oregon coast and spread some of her ashes as different beaches along the coast. I am so depressed today.

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I just came back from almost 4 hours at immediate care. Almost 2 hours just waiting to be seen. I thought I messed up something from working out too much. I was in so much pain. Also they thought it might be something cardiac because my blood pressure was kinda high and my heart was beating a bit fast. I'm ok. They gave me a shot of some pain med and did a chest xray and an EKG. Everything was ok so she said it was just muscular and told me to just take the working out easy and not do much for a few days and take OTC pain meds. The EKG lady was pretty sick, I hope with just a cold, and I wanted to say "don't they give you sick days?" But I didn't. Anyways I'm home now feeling decent mental health wise after getting my meds in me after being a few hours late. Physically I have to figure out food since I've barely eaten since yesterday or something. Probably part of my issue. This is the one time I'm glad to be between therapists because I'd get torn a new one for these last few days of restricting and over excercising.

A baby did get diagnosed with RSV while I was there.
I'm eating oatmeal for dinner but I'm not hungry yet not really in much pain. So Idk. I know my overall anxiety was decent today. I went out grocery shopping this morning for the first time in awhile and this afternoon I had my North Face Pride shirt on and stuff and I wasn't very worried. I was just focused on my physical stuff mainly today.

I luckily live in a very welcoming community. None of my doctors care that I'm trans and I've never had any issue in public. I do worry a bit about going back to work though but its not just being trans that worries me about returning theres other stuff.

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Originally Posted by otroo Last Friday was the 1 year anniversary date of my wife's death. My daughter and I went to the Oregon coast and spread some of her ashes as different beaches along the coast. I am so depressed today. Sent from my SM-S901U using Tapatalk

Hey, there, otroo. I posted to you weeks ago, asking how you were feeling with facing the holiday season. I'm so glad you've checked in. I hope that having your daughter along on the coast eased things a bit. The first anniversary is probably the hardest one to go through. I hope you do check in, just let us know how you're doing.

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I luckily live in a very welcoming community. None of my doctors care that I'm trans and I've never had any issue in public. I do worry a bit about going back to work though but its not just being trans that worries me about returning theres other stuff.

I'm amazed at how supportive your doctors are. That makes me feel happy. Hopeful.

How strange that the EKG lady was sick. I'm very sure she has plenty of sick days.

I read that Colorado Springs is supposedly a liberal town, a lot like Austin or Boulder. I dunno. I was in Boulder, people kept telling us "Oh, Boulder is like Berkeley!" Uh, no. Boulder was nothing like Berkeley, at all. But the shooter wasn't from Colo Springs, was he?

Just battling this depression. It will seem the Topomax is kicking in and helping a bit, but all it takes it one tiny thing and it's like a house of cards, or building blocks tumbling down. I saw my t today; it was helpful to talk things out, gave me some relief. She told me that the optimal dose of Topomax is WAY higher than where I am with it. Obviously, I need a med that can be increased more quickly.

I have an appointment with med ding-dong tomorrow, but they messed up the time, which fortunately I caught. I hate that place. I'm going to lie and tell him my therapist suggested I ask him about Emsam. I need to do anything I can to deal with this, and it's not like he'll bother to contact her. I'm also telling him I'm having intermittent demon issues. I REFUSE to accept that someone has to suffer with treatable mental illness in 2022.

The high on T-giving will be 68df/ low 40df. Great temperatures, if only the day was long and nightfall didn't come at 5p.m. It gets dark, I have to think about going to bed, and then I get so scared. I am going to try using CBT affirmations. Remembering them is tricky. But I can remember breathe in, breathe out, I am able to handle this.

I was talking with a friend who has MDD, describing some of these symptoms to her. She said, hmm...these are not symptoms she's familiar with. I guess these are some ways in which BP and MDD differ.

Soupe ….. I’m glad you were happy to have your husband home. Sometimes it’s good to have some hours a part. Steve really was lonely when I was working he said. I would get home and he’s all chatty and I’d be mentally hoping for so quiet lol.

Steve isn’t as improved as we had hoped for since he started back on the Spriva medication. Winter is here and cold weather can make breathing hard at times. He hurts all over most days. He’s so much better that a ways back where I literally thought I’d lose him at any minute.

Life with diabetes can be a huge challenge. I hope you don’t wind up with it. It’s taken a long while to kind of get things on track. Lately I have been eating things and portions getting larger which I certainly know better. But stress of life can make it a challenge some days. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you

Beth… I’m sorry you have a ongoing situation with your med dude. I think sometimes they kind of run into a corner and not sure what to do to be honest. Not that it’s fair for you at all. Could you come up with a list of all meds you have tried over the years ? Maybe one of us can find something you haven’t tryed ??!

Otroo.. I’m so glad that you took a trip with your daughter to celebrate your wife by spreading her ashes.

Beyond.. are you feeling better being back home no fish to worry about ? I’m sure Abby is thrilled your back home !

Hugs to anyone I missed

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Tomorrow Im heading to the grocery store to pick up stuff I need to make Eggrolls on Thanksgiving. Here hoping they have it all ! I so don’t want to have to go to other stores. We shall see.

Oh boy…. Having a puppy is soooo much work ! This Mutt is into everything and then some

Since Steve can’t help when she first wakes up I manage it all and feeding. Once he’s up and able to manage I looked at Gus and ask him if he wants to go to bed. He jumps up fast and off to the bedroom we got for a nap ! I didn’t sleep today but it was nice to just hang out snuggling with Gus and him not worried the big black goof ball will get in his face. They did play more today outside. So progress. In a couple weeks Gus will be okay.

Where did this year go ?! Like how can it be almost December ??? I remember my elderly family members use to say how time just goes so fast . I of course thought they were silly ! How true it is now that I’m older.

Beds calling ! I hope to fall asleep early tonight.

Hugs friends

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Yes, I'm much better without the swimming dead fish in my life. Abby is very happy I'm home now that she forgave me. She wasn't thrilled I went to see Rick today but she seems to be over it. She's taken to getting in her toy box and throwing toys down the basement stairs. I'm glad she's having fun although she does startle me sometimes with the noises. Thanks for asking!

I'm depressed but optimistic we put in application 1 of 2 today. Not a place we want. It's not walkable and we can't afford our car, our pet fee, parking fee, and increased car insurance. I've been trying to Zone out playing GW2.I'm eating like one toddler meal a day. I hope we get it.

I almost cried. This morning, we had an online grocery service delivery. When unpacking the bags, one was particularly heavy. When we looked in, it was full of bags of carrots ("mrkev" in Czech). A lot! I accidentally ordered 6 kg (13 1/4 lbs) of them. I believe I know the issue. In Czech, the word "kus" meaning "item" is abbreviated "ks". I saw that and the photo above it showed one individual solitary carrot. Plus, the price seemed very low. However, the "one item" turned out to be a 1 kg bag.

Something like the above happened with bananas, when I thought I was ordering 3, but got three bunches. It also happened with fresh tuna. Instead of a tuna steak, I ended up getting a long slab the size of a full tenderloin of beef. Unlike the carrots and bananas, the tuna mistake was far more costly (won't say how much). The whole 6 kg of carrots only cost $3 (75 czk). Individual bananas are only about 35 cents (8 czk). I wish we could shop in physical stores more often, but Hubby hates going to them and I've grown lazy.

Update: Hubby came up with the idea of contacting the parrot lady zoo employee neighbor of ours. She has at least 100 parrots of various types she takes care of just on her property. He said we may be considering adopting a new parrot in the future. A strategic starter so she didn't think us weirdos. Then he made the offer of the carrots. In any case, she accepted them. We'll bring all but one bag to her tomorrow.

@Soupe du jour I can definitely empathize with the carrot issue. I've got my own stories of mistranslations bringing about... interesting results. Fun of travelling!

I was shopping in a Russian grocery store getting items for fried egg sandwiches. I wanted mayonnaise to put on it. I found the mayonnaise, grabbed what I thought was mayonnaise, put it on my sandwich... and found out rather dramatically that I bought horseradish. The ironic thing is mayonnaise and horseradish are not even close in Russian (майонез vs хрен), so it's conceivable I was nowhere near the mayonnaise to begin with! Ha ha!

The other one involved me in a French speaking Swiss bar ordering what I thought was a half-pint of beer. In France, it translates to demi-litre. In Switzerland, demi-litre is exactly what it sounds like! So, I get a big whopping glass of beer at 3 in the afternoon and I was too polite to refuse. I finished it, but was well and truly buzzed!

Glad you were able to offload the carrots to someone who needed them!

Yesterday was pretty uneventful. I saw my PsychNP via Zoom, told him of my writing (and writing) of which he asked if he could read a sample. He was pleasantly surprised with what he read from his reaction. Today is going to be equally dull. I might, depending on if she's still in our neck of the woods, visit a family friend today. Apart from that, I'm just homebound today!

Tomorrow, I get a work shift courtesy of my boss. I would have had a two day work week without it, so I'm definitely grateful!

Today though, plenty of time to kill!

😂 😂 darn online ordering! I’ve done stuff like that cause I didn’t pay enough attention and it was all in English. Great solution to the problem though!

That would certainly give an egg sandwich some pep!

That's a lot of carrots Soupe, but that's a really wonderful idea to give them to the parrots , that's very kind

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I went to the store today and also the library. Then I went to the coffee social downstairs in the community room in the lobby which was nice.

I have a therapy appointment in an hour (it's over video chat)
Feeling really good. The dose increase in the thorazine has helped a lot

Got my free turkey yesterday and all the sides and stuff. I put it in the freezer because I want to save it to cook it for Christmas. Just not feeling ambitious enough to cook a turkey Thursday

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Christina, hope Steve improves soon

The egg rolls sound great

And yeah time really does fly. I remember when I was a kid it felt like it went so slowly and I just wanted the time to hurry up

Now I'm 28 years old and feel like time moves too fast

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Originally Posted by Blue_Bird I went to the store today and also the library. Then I went to the coffee social downstairs in the community room in the lobby which was nice. I have a therapy appointment in an hour (it's over video chat) Feeling really good. The dose increase in the thorazine has helped a lot Got my free turkey yesterday and all the sides and stuff. I put it in the freezer because I want to save it to cook it for Christmas. Just not feeling ambitious enough to cook a turkey Thursday Sent from my M8L using Tapatalk

Yay! That sounds all so wonderful, Birdie! How great that the dose increase is helping. I wish I could have been at your coffee social. What a good way to get out and see people, but not be overwhelmed.

Yeah it would be cool to have a coffee social with you and everyone here

It is good because it helps me get more comfortable with being around people more. I have a hard time being around 1 or 2 people let alone several people. I'm working on it though

How are you today?

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Originally Posted by unlived I’ve actually always been allowed to try what I wanted to try except for once when I wanted to try amitriptyline and the psychiatrist thought I was too high a suicide risk at that particular time for that particular med. But every other time - in hospital and in community mental health and in private mental health I’ve always been allowed to make suggestions and try them. I guess they figure you’re more likely to stick to taking them if you choose them. Maybe it’s a difference between countries too. My GPs have been the same with most meds too - if there are options they give you the choice as long as you can make an informed decision,

That, my friend, is wise medicine! Yes - we are most likely to do well with, and remain taking, medications we choose and believe will help us. A power struggle is guaranteed to result in failure for both doctor and patient.

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Originally Posted by ~Christina ... Beth… I’m sorry you have a ongoing situation with your med dude. I think sometimes they kind of run into a corner and not sure what to do to be honest. Not that it’s fair for you at all. ...

Yes, I agree. Problem is, med dude ran into a corner and wasn't sure what to do from day #1. He's inexperienced and he is treating a diagnosis. He is not treating me as an individual. Example:

ME: "I have had some benefit with Lamictal at 350mg."

HIM (hurriedly scrolling through a medical text on his phone): "Ahhh...yeaaahhhh...but, nooo...Lamictal's ceiling dose for bipolar disorder is 200mg."

I DON'T GIVE AN EFF WHAT YOUR BOOK SAYS I WAS IN TREATMENT WITH A PDOC WHO HAD DECADES OF EXPERIENCE ON YOU & SHE PRESCRIBED 350MG OF LAMICTAL WHICH HELPED MY SEASONAL DEPRESSION WHY DON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU CHILD WHO IS MY SON'S AGE YOU WEREN'T EVEN BORN WHEN I STARTED TAKING PSYCH MEDS

I ran out of valium last night. It wasn't a big deal. I had planned on this. The fill day was tommorow and they always fill it a day or so early. So I just went in at 9 and they filled it with no problem and I took my 1st one a couple hours late. I'm having an issue though with my Geodon 20 and I get its the holidays and stuff. I have 2 left I'm saving for when I'm gone this week. Being out of the 20mil Geodon isn't as big a deal as the valium so I'm not too worried.

Besides that I got some grocery shopping done this morning. There was an old lady in front of us who wasn't even making a scene and just said something, I think about the other store being less expensive. Then when she left the cashier started complaning to the bagger about how the lady should shop there then and be grateful because "its the holidays and ****." I get they are probably pretty overworked but I don't think swearing in front of customers is ok. The bagger just ignored her. I always find retail and grocery employees to be the most unpleasent around the holidays and I can understand why, but this cashier just seemed annoyed for no reason.

I'm just at home now not doing much. Pain wise I'm ok but I did take tylenol and a zofran earlier. Anxiety wise I'm doing decently.

I just got a call saying my Geodon was ready. So I took one of the ones I had left and I'll pick it up in the morning. I hope my pdoc doesn't find out I'm 5 short. But I mean he wasn't helping me out at all so I kinda just did my own thing. I can always say I was going out of town and needed them when I got back. Which isn't techinally a complete lie.

I managed Walmart today. Snagged a parking spot right up front. Was gonna grap a tiny ity bitty mini string light for the Christmas flowers I bought from hobby lobby but that area was closed. But got everything else on my list. A wine opener cause that disappeared. ( mum has a habit of going though cupboards and drawers and putting things in boxes for my sister to give away. We try to make sure nothing we need is in them, but….) a funnel to put the wine back in the bottle so I can transport it. Hooks and a level cause mum got rid of all my dads tools. And a zillion batteries, which is part of my gift to the grandkids.

Mum had a foot doctor appointment for her nails. Thanks to info from Bizi, I looked up foot doctors and found one that will do mum’s feet. The lady nurse at the senior center won’t do them cause she has an ingrown nail. So now we’re on a 3 month cycle. She did mum’s hands too. No foot rub or lotion unfortunately but she did check her pulse and for other foot problems. Be nice if bizi was in this area!

Despite the early darkness I’m doing well. Excited to start decorating after thanksgiving. Especially since we found all my angels. I have Christmas angels from around the world. I thought they were lost in the move but they were back in with the clothes and bedroom stuff. So yay!

I'm not sure how I feel. I know I don't feel very good...I feel fragile, yet I also see myself as strong for coping through this. I'm so afraid of feeling very depressed/anxious that I'm telling myself not to feel depressed/anxious because nothing can be done, so I'd better not feel it.

So, helpless,I guess? Afraid? Trapped? A victim?

My therapist and I talked, yesterday, about me not feeling like I'm a victim now. That I have choices and options. Traditionally, I have been good about making use of choices and options. I haven't been one to hesitate.

I've also never been this isolated (in a town with so few options for connecting with others). I've never been this flat broke, with zero access to any money of my own, except the $250 SSDI I receive once/month. The situation in this country has never, in my life, been so strange...wild at heart and weird on top (and to think I thought the Reagan years were odd!).

I'm struggling to figure out how to make something positive happen, in this place and time.

Anyway, to bring it to today, I have an appointment with med dude later this afternoon. I already feel like everything I say to him, he'll shoot down. I feel like he just wants me to say status quo so he can slide off easy and get out of there (he's there for a whole hour today). I'd like to tell him I feel he's minimizing my depression and treating me as a disorder, not as a me. But I fear doing that because if I do he may pull the personality disorder card - which they are known to do when you come right out and challenge them - then all bets are off and you are tossed aside as having incurable, terminal cancer of the psyche. A lost cause, untreatable. "DBT skills. Practice those, they might help. Make an appointment for a month out."