Bipolar Check-in #72

Hello all! A little down and out today. Had a bad break up last night. It was never going to be a fairytale ending as he was considerably younger than me but these things still hurt and take time to get over. I’ve been on a dating app for folks my age and I’m too young at heart for them. I have had a lot of interest and responses - I’m just not interested back. Such is life.

It’s raining cats and dogs and we’re going to travel North today. Perfect. It’s going to be fun loading the car and boarding the dog. It will be nice to get out of town and relax.

I have lots of great things happening in my life right now. Just down about the break up.

I hope everybody has a peaceful day. Much love

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Originally Posted by Nammu I too had a carrier for my daughter. I had three of them. All gifts. The one I used the most was a wonderful construction with a zipper on the inside to you could breast feed without needing to remove them from the carrier. The most treasured one was a beautiful handmade fabric square by a Hmong friend. It was the scariest because I had to get the long wrappings wrapped just right, but it was beautiful. But I never had a snugli. I heard they were wonderful though.

Aw, that sounds so nice. I was able to breast feed with the Snugli on, too. Haha, I have a memory of vacuuming with my son in the Snugli.

Ugh, I'm so scared. Gave Sadie her first dose of thyroid med last night, also Valium for her severe agitation (hyperthyroidism was causing her to act [in my word] as though she was very manic). She had bad diarrhea overnight, this morning she just wants to lie in her bed. Won't eat. I am really scared. The other treatments are major and of course, I don't have the money for them. I don't have the money to do anything, if Sadie needs fluids. I'm just terrified when I call they'll tell me to bring her in. I'm afraid I'm going to lose her. I don't know what's going on.

I feel so much better already. My mind is calm and no excessive anxiety either. I am a bit tired but nothing huge!!

Uuuuugh horrible night. Just terrible thoughts. So upset. RS was crying over me, I was in hysterical tears and I do not cry unless it’s really bad. I’m trying really hard. I know my therapist and RS understand that. I understand that. I’m telling myself it’s only temporary, the emotions are uncomfortable but won’t hurt me but it’s just so hard and so painful.

I went to work a half hour late and I left early (but I’m going back I just need a break). I did make an earlier appt with my psych nurse, next Tuesday was the best they could do but I guess that’s better than February 9. RS is really afraid I’m going to go back IP. I’m afraid it will be forced on me but I don’t think so, I have no plans with intent. As long as I can keep my cool I’ll be ok. RS said we should go to the gym for a walk today, he’s right so I’m really, really going to try. If I can make myself get in the car I can make it there. It helps that I’m already wearing leggings to work so I only have to change my shoes.

Idk what my pnurse will do, she’s got to help me somehow. I can’t screw up Florida again this year.

I’m so sorry Beth. I know how scared you must be. Pets are family and especially yours. I will send positive vibes to Sadie and to you

I don't know whats up. Its not covid though I just checked. I'm hacking my lungs out and my throat hurts and my lungs feel funny and my voice is hoarse. I've just been in bed all day because I'm tired. My mom wants me to go to immediate care in the morning. I'm still thinking its the nodules. Idk what else it would be. I had a dream it was my tonsils. My mom said maybe it is. My anxiety and moods are still decent since laying off the caffeine.

I'm glad my issues seem to be a semi easy fix. The mental health ones anyways. Everything seems to be physical these days. Or eating disorder stuff.

I thought the Doomsday Clock would be closer than 90 seconds to midnight.

I took some med friendly cough syrup which helped a lot with the sore throat and coughing. I then took a 1.5 hour nap about half an hour later after the cough syrup. I ate some tuna and now I'm starting to feel things again. The throat pain and my cough has returned. At least I got some protein in with the tuna.

We are having a snow storm since about 6 a.m. There is so much snow on my car! I thought my pdoc appointment tomorrow was at 10 in the office but I called to switch it to a phone appointment and they said they don't do phone appointments any more but telehealth so I guess I have to be seen on camera. Ugh. I'm back in I don't have anything to say at my appointment mode. I just sit there saying I don't do anything and I have nothing to report. Except that I stayed up until 4 because I couldn't sleep a few nights ago and then slept until 1. I slept last night and still didn't get up until 1 pm! So all I have to share is that I'm a lazy ****.

Well I did get my sleep. But I didn’t want to get up so turned the alarm off and kept sleeping. It’s been so long since I had a really good restful sleep. I really needed that.

Well for better or worse I bought a ticket to the murder mystery night at the historic home. I just home I can do it with my lack of hearing. There’s a wine tasting too. Ehh maybe I’ll find a wine I actually like? I decided to go in all black. It’s going to be cold that night so I’m wearing a pair of thick black slacks with deep pockets for my phone, and a black sweater with zippers. No purse or other things I have to hold. There’s hors d’ oeuvre s and wine for the three hours it lasts, plus the wine so I want my hands free.

Hello! Long time no see! Been a whirlwind few weeks!

It took a while, but I'm finally recovered from the bronchitis/pneumonia/something or another! No coughing fits. No congestion. No drainage. The only symptom of concern left involves possible damage to my voice box. I can talk normally and do my sales job without any issue, but if I try to get my voice into a higher register (think singing, or talking baby talk with my cat), not even a squeak and a small amount of pain. I'm in contact with my primary doc who wanted me to wait it out and see if it would heal on it's own. Well, I've waited. Curious about next steps now.

On the mental health med side, I'm not sure I really need my abilify as a maintenance med anymore. I was unable to take it for nearly a month. Lost prescription bottle, Christmas season, that sort of thing. In that time, I've dealt with some pretty stressful situations (family and work related) and faced some very, very, VERY rude people and I never lost my cool or my focus. I'll talk about it with my PsychNP at my next appointment, but given the lack of "adverse effects," for lack of a better word, I don't see much reason to continue.

I'm thinking of taking up journaling again. I usually start one, keep it up anywhere from six months to a few years at my most dedicated, then just stop for no good reason. It does help, in much the same way these posts do. I get to organize my thoughts, vent some issues and even plan a bit for the future. I bought myself a nice journal even, so once I start, I feel inclined to keep going since I have this beautiful medium to write out my thoughts.

Persian Grove Journal

My cousin came by unannounced again. I shooed him away with the story that I was late to a doctor's appointment. I was, but it was a Zoom call kind of appointment. I just took the Zoom call in my car at the local park. While I was gone, my cousin decided to "help out" in a "He thinks he still lives here." state of mind. Taking my trash bin to the curb, getting my mail, that sort of thing. There are so many things that man could do differently, but I would settle for him calling ahead. I might say no. Matter of fact, I'd definitely say no, but he would at least show he respects my time and space.

Pipe dream probably. He's had 65 years of these tactics working for him. Why would he change now?

Anyway, streaming 24 Hours in A&E on my TV now. Think COPS, but set in a British ER. Every bit as dramatic as one would expect.

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Originally Posted by ~Christina Whoa this Fibromyalgia flare is so bad. I can’t even take a deep breath.

Please know I'm sending you love and healing vibes, dear friend.

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Originally Posted by Aurelius710 ... Persian Grove Journal ...

That is absolutely lovely! Thanks for sharing the link. And I'm glad you're feeling better.

I hurt for you @wildflowerchild25 . What you're battling with sounds absolutely miserable, and I am so sorry. Please know that I am here if you need a friend. And know that I am sending you a big hug. And thank you for your kindness. It takes a special soul to reach out to another when she is struggling herself

Sounds like fun!!

Okay, I finally made it back here. What a rough morning, wow. But Sadie came around! Vet says stop the Valium. I'm not surprised; Sadie weighs just over 7 lbs. I think Valium is just too much for her little body and caused her heavy sedation and hopefully, also the reason for the diarrhea. She's eating well and so far, no GI upset since this morning.

I'm a tiny bit nervous about having unused Valium in my home. When I was 17 my mom was prescribed Valium, a huge bottle of it. She'd never take any psych meds because to her medication meant she was "crazy." She was mentally ill, and medication would have helped her so much - although perhaps not Valium.

Anyway, I took that bottle of her Valium from a drawer that no one used. I was seventeen and having a terrific time in school and with friends, although I didn't see many classes. It was the late '70's in a very urban school. There were bigger problems than a white girl from the "right" neighborhood skipping classes. Home life, however, was a living hell with my mother and step-father...almost relentless violence and abuse.

Drug use was rampant in those years and my DOC was that great, big bottle of Valium. There were probably 200 pills in there. Imagine! Nothing like that would be prescribed nowadays, but back then "Mother's Little Helper" was all the rage. I wasn't a mother, but I was a teen girl who desperately needed therapy to cope. Instead, I made use of the Valium. There were a couple of times I took 10 pills at once. I weighed exactly 102lbs. I was so, so lucky that I didn't OD. But getting high felt sooo good.

Return to now. I have Valium in my home for the first time in 43 years and you'd think I wouldn't even remember how good I felt on that Valium 43 years ago. But I do remember, and I remember the bliss of escape. So weird, because I should throw the Valium out...or keep maybe 1 pill just in case Sadie needs a tiny sliver. But I can't toss it.

Your voice issue sounds similar to mine in that my head voice is gone. Just get what sort of sounds like a goose noise or nothing when I try to sing in my upper register. My voice doctor thinks it's the Haldol I was taking. I also have a tremor in my voice but I can't tell it's there. That mixed with a tremor in my right hand makes this same doctor wonder if I have parkinson's.

@*Beth* Your poo.r kitty. I hear you about not wanting to get rid of the Valium, but you know you need to get rid of them.

Ugh. I still feel pretty terrible. I think the haldol might be helping a tiny bit but adding to the problem now because being on the 2mg has brought the akathisia back full force. I did go to the gym yesterday and feel like I could have walked for hours because of the combined akathisia/self harm thoughts. This isn’t a long term solution. I woke up in the middle of the night and just wanted to get up right the and grab an instrument and destroy myself. I’m only not bc I promised RS and he will never trust me again if I do. And I don’t want to ruin my job or Florida.

I’m a bit scared to tell my NP the whole truth. I don’t trust her. My pdoc only ever insisted on the hospital once, due to my first bout of serious paranoia and my therapist also only called crisis once. Well deserved on my part. Im not sure what the NP’s response will be. She may be an IP advocate. But she needs to know how bad it is. I can’t take it. RS can’t take it. I’ve successfully hidden it from CR so far.

I’m definitely going to go to the gym again tonight or take a walk when I get home. It will be very windy but at least sunny.

Oh my goodness I just want this to go AWAY.

I did have a funny dream though where Tom cruise was in my house signing autographs but he was a cat and we were feeding him bananas instead of cat treats and he was getting so mad. The mind works in mysterious ways haha.

The murder mystery sounds amazing @Nammu ! When will it be? I can't wait to hear all about it!!

65 degrees today! Open windows for the kitties to enjoy. They can sit on the ledges or on their cat tree. And a temperature I feel comfortable with. Sunshine!

Your dream is hilarious @wildflowerchild25. Yes, the mind is certainly a mysterious thing!


I admire you for going to the gym. That seems like such a smart idea. I haven't been able to roller skate this season because of the severe depression, and couldn't do stretching and yoga. Finally, last week I began my stretching work-out again. It feels sooo good! Skating will come soon.

I hope you enjoy the gym

It’s Saturday night from 6-9. I’m very nervous about going, but I bought the ticket already.

@ Aurelius710:

Maybe the reason you are still symptom free is because of the maintenance dose that you are taking. Remember there is no cure for bipolar. People can come in and out of “remission”. You may just be in remission for now. So be careful!

I'm glad you're passed the bronchitis, or whatever it was. Whenever I read about your cousin, I can't help but wonder if it wouldn't help if the dude got himself some girlfriend.

Ha ha, I wondered that too! Too much time on his hands!