Bipolar Check-in #72

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Originally Posted by Miguel'smom I feel ungrateful not liking where we live. Everyone is so awesome but it's cold, weather sucks, and for a person that hates being around people there's a lot. I'm more stable than I've ever been but I'm down. Sh thoughts, overwhelmed, don't feel I have enough small high calorie food around. I'm not making the 350 food intake to properly digest my meds. I'm getting mozzarella sticks tomorrow I need to have 4 to get to that number. I don't see how I'm 150+ yet can't keep up with a small meal level. Good night.

I'm sorry. Please don't feel guilty. Spring will come, Mm!

Exactly what I was going to say, @Mountaindewed. They're called auras. Some people get just the disturbed vision but no headache, too.

Exactly what I was going to say, @Mountaindewed. They're called auras. Some people get just the disturbed vision but no headache, too.

My best friend sent me this photo of the American River, one little stretch of it. The American is a very wide and wild 120-mile long river that begins up in the Sierra Nevada Mountains east of here and ends by flowing into the Pacific Ocean, west of here. It was in that river where the gold was discovered that enticed so many men to come out west for the gold rush.

Part of the river runs through my home city, Sacramento. This isn't the most gorgeous part of the river at this time of the year, although I do love it, but my friend was showing me where it had flooded during the heavy rains. Made me homesick, so many great times near the river or in it, and happy memories living in a neighborhood near the river when my kids were growing up. The American River was such a normal part of day-to-day life and I miss that.

Difficult night again. Severe anxiety. I felt like I was dying for a good three hours no matter what coping skill I tried.

RS is worried. He doesn’t want me to go back IP. I’m not going back unless I’m committed again. Y’all gotta drag me in there, literally.

Little sleep. I didn’t get to sleep until around 11 I think and I’ve been up since 4.

Hopefully I will feel better soon. Everything cycles.

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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 Difficult night again. Severe anxiety. I felt like I was dying for a good three hours no matter what coping skill I tried. RS is worried. He doesn’t want me to go back IP. I’m not going back unless I’m committed again. Y’all gotta drag me in there, literally. Little sleep. I didn’t get to sleep until around 11 I think and I’ve been up since 4. Hopefully I will feel better soon. Everything cycles.

Oh, sweetie. My heart goes out to you. I swear, nothing is worse than severe anxiety. I totally understand about not wanting to go IP, ugh. I'm so sorry if you've already mentioned this, but do you have a pdoc appointment soon, or can you call...I'm thinking of a med change. When we've tried every coping skill (and I know you're especially on top of using them), but nothing works my mind goes to "This is biochemical"- i.e., med related.

Is there such a thing as a support forum for cats?

My poor Sadie and poor me. She either has hyperthyroidism or dementia. I took her to the vet yesterday to have a "senior panel" (blood labs, urinalysis) done. David was embarrassingly obnoxious about paying, but he doesn't understand the magnitude of the issue. I'm praying her labs come back normal. If they do, she has dementia. Sadie is yowling and meowing all night, every night.

After the vet visit yesterday, when we came home she was terribly confused and sat yowling at the front door for literally hours. I held her, I played with her, she liked those, but then right back to staring at the front door and yowling. She was all confused about having been outside, then returning inside. Pacing and yowling or meowing all night REALLY loudly. I use ear plugs, but I know she's upset, so my own sleep was lousy.

I know that Klonopin is given to cats and dogs for car anxiety, so I looked up dosage for a cat her size. I was frankly terrified to give it to her, but I'm also worried that she's going to have a heart attack or stroke from the pacing & not sleeping. So I gave her the Klonopin and - nothing. Didn't calm her at all.

I'm calling the vet's office in a few minutes as soon as they open, to plead for something to calm Sadie until her lab results are in.

Oh Beth, how terrible! For both of you. I keep hoping my guy will be ok in his old age. Frankly getting old sucks.

I suppose I could try but my appt is 2 weeks out and they don’t usually have extras that close. I’m not really about meds though, as you know I’ve tried most of them. For depression it’s only Emsam and sometimes Wellbutrin that work. I don’t know how my new APN feels about MAOI’s. I restarted propranolol on Sunday 2x/day so that should start to calm me down soon.

I did find old Xanax from last year so at least I have a few of those to calm me down at night. I can’t spend another night like last night. I could not breathe and even paced breathing was not helping me. I did grounding, ice, I even did mental safety statements(it’s better to write them but I can’t write very well right now). I wish I could have taken a shower. Music wasn’t even helping.

So I’m very happy I found the Xanax, and it’s even .5mg pills.

I see my therapist today and I’m hoping that she’ll have an opening later this week for an extra session. She only ever called crisis on me once in the last seven years (rightly so). She won’t force me IP or even IOP.

Thank you for your words of comfort, I appreciate them.

I finally signed up for Czech classes again, starting early next month. It will be more intensive than the last one. The time has come to really put my nose to the grindstone.

I've been totally fine today. I slept close to 12 hours on just one melatonin. I didn't wake up until 6:42 this morning. My anxiety has been fine all day. I'm pretty sure I legit just need to stay away from the caffeine and that would solve a lot of my anxiety and sleep issues. I went out this morning around 8 to 2 stores. I needed yogurt and other necessitys and I wanted to check out the international grocery store. Then I braved walmart at noon. It was kinda a madhouse and people were dressed really goofy. They were in their pajamas and slippers and one lady had a string tank top on and leggings and had her wallet sticking in the back of her pants. Then when I was walking out some dude dressed like he should have been in a vampire/cowboy gothic romance movie came in. He was dressed in all black and had a blazer and a vest on and a cowboy hat and pointed shoes. His hair looked like Johnny Depps in Charlie And The Chocolate Factory. It was werid but my anxiety was fine the whole time because I had on Vans, dark blue slim straight jeans, and a white puffer jacket and healthy things in my cart. So no one paid any attention to me.

So yeah my anxiety is fine, I'm just kind of hungry right now since I spent all day shopping and not much time eating.

And now I'm lying down and the throat/coughing stuff started.

I finally got the police report to my accident, a car hitting me while I was on my electric scooter. It says that the car hit me, and that’s when I flipped all the way over and hit the ground, with my back ending up on the ground. I hade multiple fractures. Ten plates was used to put me back together. Two months later, I am still recovering, requiring a walker. I hope they are adequately insured.

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Originally Posted by Nammu Oh Beth, how terrible! For both of you. I keep hoping my guy will be ok in his old age. Frankly getting old sucks.

You know, it really does. We have to be tough to handle getting old, and for animals it's just a pity. I hope Sir does well with his aging process, too. Most cats do! I just seem to be running a bit of a cat health care center here for some strange reason!

Oh, dear Lord. I just spoke with the vet and Sadie DOES have hyperthyroidism, as I suspected. I have never in my lifetime seen a cat act so strange...pacing non-stop, unable to sleep at all, vocalizing constantly - in all honesty, she appears to be full-on manic.

Anyway, she'll be put on a twice-daily medication (please let the pills be small!) for her thyroid AND valium until the thyroid med kicks in. Maybe we'll all get some sleep tonight, if the valium works for her.

Sadie is a petite all-black fluffy-soft Burmese with the biggest gold eyes you ever saw. They look like a Harvest Moon, but two golden moons. I rescued her from a terrible situation in the ghetto I lived in.

Oooo I’m sure she appreciates you immensely she sounds beautiful. Poor her she’s probably so confused.

She sounds beautiful.


I think that hyperthyroid meds for cats can be given as topical, a gel or cream that goes in the ear. I looked into it when they thought my cat had it but she didn't. I've used the topical meds otherwise with great success when there was no way I was getting a pill into the cat. (In fact I'm not sure that I could ever get a pill into a cat although I guess I'd figure it out if i had to). But the topical approach is so much easier; they don't even notice.

Just came from mums home. When I got there she wasn’t there. I thought she was in PT. So I went ahead and washed her clothes, the washer and dryer room was empty so it was a breeze. I had her stuff in the dryer when she finally returned. She had been to PT but then she went to the beauty shop. Boy did she ever look nice! The best hair cut she’s had in years. A really great job. We watched jeopardy together then I came home. That’s really all I’ve done today. I’m having a great deal of trouble getting to sleep at night. Since I cut my ambian in half twice a week I have enough to use my old dose occasionally to get back on schedule. I’m thinking about doing that tonight so I can get up in the morning for aqua fitness.

Depression sucks. I've barely left bed unless it's a Dr appointment. H had a pharmacist meeting yesterday. That went well. He's still loosing 1-2 lbs a day. I really wish I knew why I hate it here. My mind is on all the time. I'm listening to Miguel's friends conversation because they're on speaker. H and Miguel are building a desk and chair for him. I'm laying in bed.

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Originally Posted by Nammu Oooo I’m sure she appreciates you immensely she sounds beautiful. Poor her she’s probably so confused.

That's kind of you, thank you. I don't know what I'd do without them in my life. Yes, it's absolutely pitiful, David is bringing her new meds in an hour. It's heartbreaking, she must be completely exhausted from pacing and yowling. I hold her as much as possible. I need a "Snugli" - I used to carry my babies in those, strapped onto my front.

The last time I looked at the clock this morning it was 4 a.m.! I tossed and turned until at least then then woke up at 1 pm. So I slept about 8 hours actually. I just wonder if I'll be able to sleep again. I had an appointment at 2 but called and cancelled at 1. I could've gone but I wasn't feelin it. I kinda feel bad now for not going. It was because my hair comes out when I wash it and in my brush when I brush it. You can't tell to look at me though.

I see pdoc Friday. I guess I should tell her about not sleeping again. (Or is it Thursday?)

I too had a carrier for my daughter. I had three of them. All gifts. The one I used the most was a wonderful construction with a zipper on the inside to you could breast feed without needing to remove them from the carrier. The most treasured one was a beautiful handmade fabric square by a Hmong friend. It was the scariest because I had to get the long wrappings wrapped just right, but it was beautiful. But I never had a snugli. I heard they were wonderful though.

I hope you get a good sleep and can go to aqua fitness @Nammu .

@BeyondtheRainbow , thank you. Yes, there is a transdermal cream. The vet wants to start her out on pills so she can more accurately gauge Sadie's thyroid levels. The cream can get licked off by another cat, etc., so maybe we'll use it down the line when Sadie is stabilized. The pills are sooo teeny and I have to break them into 1/4's. For the exorbitant cost of veterinary care I sure wish they'd stop using people-sized and people-flavored medications. Sadie also got Valium...isn't that strange, that the vet would dispense Valium? I mean, she's known me for 7 years, but still. The thyroid med takes about 2 weeks to work so wow, will Sadie need that Valium!

Today is my former person's birthday, so I messaged him on Facebook to wish him a happy day. After a month of chit-chat nothing, today we finally really opened up and talked. About our relationship, about how we both screwed up what could have been a solid thing. He's been dx'ed with BP1 and schizoaffective, but it took being homeless and being a junkie for him to get serious about recovery. And he's immensely fortunate that the right people found him and helped him in wonderful ways. So he's totally clean, on meds, and far away from triggering locations & people. It felt so great to really "talk" today.

Anyway, what a gorgeous day it was! I could have sworn it was spring. My mood elevated because the light was high and bright. I think tomorrow will be 65 degrees. Open windows for the cats and me!

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Whoa this Fibromyalgia flare is so bad. I can’t even take a deep breath.

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