Bipolar Check-in #72

Not unless I want to drive 1.5 hours one way every day

I am so nauseated and my vision is blurry and my pulse is 63. This is the same stuff thats been going on for a week or so. I'm not panicked. I mainly just want to sleep. I'm really tired. Any nurse I call will just tell me to go to the ER instead of telling me not to worry or wait and see my primary during the week.

I did my blood sugar and it was 104. My mom says that is fine. Pretty much the only way I'd get diabetes is through genetics.

My t is excited I’m not depressed like last week! He did we could wait two weeks and he’s super excited I have a good new dr! he said he’s been worried about that. We discussed how the ocd stuff is acting up and the prazosin has helped with fight to flight response today.

Keep us posted @MuddyBoots . I'm not seeing how IP would help. Yeah, you'd be safe for a while, but what would IP do to stop the same challenges when you return home?

The heater in my apartment burned out last night. We're having a cold snap and my apartment is cold, alright. Tonight will be 31 degrees F. Thank the Universe I had enough $ to buy a space heater and was able to get one on Amazon for $35 that will be delivered today. Supposedly. Amazon is not very reliable, but I sure have my fingers crossed.

I slept well, but feel very odd. I'm thinking I may have forgotten to put one of my meds in the little space in my pill container for last night's meds, and I suspect it was the Zyprexa.

I told her I was still having the urges, but could keep myself busy with positive activities (piano mostly). She seemed satisfied with that.

I must agree, @MuddyBoots , IP can only do so much. You know as well as anyone else that you have to use your own healthy coping skills, ACT should see that. I know you know that doing any of those things you have urges to do aren’t going to help in the long term. It’s difficult to think in the long term however.

Maybe you can start some count-ups/downs for how long you’ve been free of certain things. I have one for self harm (300 days), nicotine (61days), and IP (252 days). Sometimes when I feel like self harming I look at that and think “oh, I really want to but look how long! Better not”.

Idk. We just want you to be safe out of IP. I’ve been in your position(minus the drug use) and I’ve been on the edge of state hospital or residential treatment against my will and it’s terrifying to think your life will be out of your control for however long the powers that be decide it should be. I hope your team can find a better way to help you instead of just throwing up their hands and saying “ IP I guess”.

I don't see how IP would help either. I'm sick of being thrown into the hospital every time things go sideways, and they're not even sideways in terms of psychosis/mania this time. Am I depressed? Yeah, but I can deal with that. I do the counting days thing (150 days opiates, 120(?) meth, 87 IP, 10 days self harm, 4 days b/p (although I have been restricting)). It's not like I'm actually going to act on using even though that's my strongest urge. I'm scared shitless that I'm going to be drug tested at my next appointment and I don't want to violate my CD and go back to the ER for a month to spend a few days at the state hospital (and be taken off of valium to deal with the hell of akathisia from high doses of haldol).

But God do I want to use right now. I would take overdosing over going back to the hospital at this point though. But no, I'll just sit on this ****ing computer and listen to Deftones.

edit: The more I go IP, the more broken I feel because they can't ****ing help me outpatient and they can't help me inpatient. If I go IP again within a year of when I got out last time I will certainly kill myself, and I will make damn sure of that.

^^^^ wildflower

We happened to run into each other at Starbies- as N1 who works there calls Starbucks- today. I asked him about the earphones but he said he didn't bring them with him because "it would be rude"? I just wanted to try them. And the other day he told me that someone tried putting their key in his door at his apartment and they were talking so what's he do? He gets out his shot gun with two cartridges (?) But the people went away. So today he tells me that he went to Cabela's - a huge sporting goods store; I used to take the kids there when N3 was a baby; they liked the hallway of floor-to-ceiling fish tanks. Anyway, he said he went there and bought a new shot gun! It was "only $200". You know what I think- I think he did come into some money which he told me in passing last week. I'll have to find out! He should buy me something.

I'm doing ok. I posted about part of my day above. My mom gave me some of her home made meat loaf and I had some for dinner while watching the latest All Creatures Great and Small. I like that show- the old version and new one- it's so relaxing. I have the books- they are relaxing too. Comforting is another good word for them too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 ... Maybe you can start some count-ups/downs for how long you’ve been free of certain things. I have one for self harm (300 days), nicotine (61days), and IP (252 days). Sometimes when I feel like self harming I look at that and think “oh, I really want to but look how long! Better not”. ...

That is another excellent coping skill. I learn so many from you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 ... Idk. We just want you to be safe out of IP. I’ve been in your position(minus the drug use) and I’ve been on the edge of state hospital or residential treatment against my will and it’s terrifying to think your life will be out of your control for however long the powers that be decide it should be. I hope your team can find a better way to help you instead of just throwing up their hands and saying “ IP I guess”.

Well said, and I agree @MuddyBoots .

I do this but by years/months. Constantly telling myself lately I haven’t self harmed or been up in two years and eight months and I can’t mess that up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots ... edit: The more I go IP, the more broken I feel because they can't ****ing help me outpatient and they can't help me inpatient. If I go IP again within a year of when I got out last time I will certainly kill myself, and I will make damn sure of that.

NO. I will say this and I mean it: You are too young to make that decision. There are about 1 billion more things you WILL discover in the many years to come before you even get to consider that decision. I am very serious.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 We happened to run into each other at Starbies- as N1 who works there calls Starbucks- today. I asked him about the earphones but he said he didn't bring them with him because "it would be rude"? I just wanted to try them. And the other day he told me that someone tried putting their key in his door at his apartment and they were talking so what's he do? He gets out his shot gun with two cartridges (?) But the people went away. So today he tells me that he went to Cabela's - a huge sporting goods store; I used to take the kids there when N3 was a baby; they liked the hallway of floor-to-ceiling fish tanks. Anyway, he said he went there and bought a new shot gun! It was "only $200". You know what I think- I think he did come into some money which he told me in passing last week. I'll have to find out! He should buy me something.

Dude sounds like a whack job, Moose. But yeah - tell him to buy you something nice. Heck, why not.

My cousin died today. He was only 59. He had very advanced cancer by the time they even realized he had cancer; they couldn't even figure out where it started.

I've 'been depressed and sleeping a lot. Tonight I can't sleep because I am sad. I have many good memories of him as well as plenty of times he drove me crazy .


I'll miss him.

I'm sorry to read about your cousin, BeyondtheRainbow. I'm glad you have good memories of your times together.

I thought I wasn't sleeping because of my cousin. I took 1/4 PRN Klonopin and nothing. Took 1/4 more and waiting.

But I realized that I forgot to add clozaril to my pill box last night so I'm wide awake because I've not had a heavily sedating drug on top of being sad.

I just hope I get some sleep. I feel so stupid.

It's been snowing a lot where I am, and with only brief breaks this upcoming week, it will snow a lot more. On Monday I have my US embassy visit for my passport renewal. We may take the train in, weather depending, but need to get up super early. The embassy is not convenient to get to from the main train station. Otherwise, nothing else on the calendar for the week, which is such a relief.

Last night I burned my left hand to the point of big blisters on my index finger. It hurt for hours, but miraculously not much any more. As much as I love to cook and bake, I'm no careless with safety, and I never seem to learn lessons from the many incidents.

Hubby and I have to make some decisions on things for our upcoming new house. It's often a stress as Hubby has different preferences than I do and is slow to decide anything. I always feel I'm the one compromising. When it comes to the kitchen, I swear I wish I had 90% of the say, but I don't. Sucker only ever loads the dishwasher, occasionally, nothing else there besides eating. Many men leave this stuff mostly to women, but he's too involved. Sorry if this seems sexist. My bad!

I'm sorry to hear that, Rainbow. My condolences. Take care of yourself (and don't forget your clozapine! )

I'm sorry I said some concerning things on here last night. I haven't been eating, had a rough case management session, and instead of running I had to shovel wet heavy snow (why can't we just get an Alberta clipper????) so I was extra angry/depressed. I'm good now

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow My cousin died today. He was only 59. He had very advanced cancer by the time they even realized he had cancer; they couldn't even figure out where it started. I've 'been depressed and sleeping a lot. Tonight I can't sleep because I am sad. I have many good memories of him as well as plenty of times he drove me crazy . I'll miss him.

Oh, Rainbow. I am so, so sorry. I think I understand some of how you feel. Six years ago my cousin died of cancer at age 54. We had grown up together. She had fairly advanced cancer when she started treatment, which did give her 5 years with her children and with life before she died. I miss her so much.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots I'm sorry I said some concerning things on here last night. I haven't been eating, had a rough case management session, and instead of running I had to shovel wet heavy snow (why can't we just get an Alberta clipper????) so I was extra angry/depressed. I'm good now

Please don't be sorry, Boots. That's what we're here for. To hear you.

My aunt died of a sudden massive heart attack at a Max And Ermas when she was just 55. I was 12. It makes me really sad because I feel like we would have a really good relationship now. She didn't really like anyone in the family especially my mom, but she took a liking to me for some reason. My mom says I'm the only one who misses her really.