Bipolar check in #73

I had my nerve induction test yesterday. A lot of zapping to find out there was nothing extra wrong apart from the cyst I already have. Still, I'll take that gift and run with it, and if I can get in with the neurosurgeon in a timely manner... icing on the cake!

My vocal cord situation is still a mess. Finished the second steroid regimen Wednesday. No pain, sore throat or anything like that, but still voice in that upper register. Another doc to visit.

Well, gotta get around for work!

i should never have married again. i cant handle having kids now. i need to be on my own. it's just so much responsibility and stress. i don't feel like doing it. i want to do whatever i want. i can barely take care of myself as it is.

I finally said eff it and I went to immediate care. I was negative for both strep and mono. She did a covid test but basically made it seem like covid doesn't exist anymore. She told me this seems like a bigger issue that my primary needs to deal with. So I went and set up an appointment with him on Tuesday. I have no idea anymore what is vitamin d, what is eating stuff, what is anxiety, and what is other stuff. I've never felt this way before though. Just all this weakness and fatigue and stuff.

I was bored this morning and I googled my doctor for some other reason and I found out he lives 2 minutes from me.

I just now ate a small cup of apple sauce and even that is giving me trouble and apple sauce is supposed to be super easy on you. My blood pressure at the doctors was 140.

I feel like my cats arent themselves anymore. Especially my tubby orange one. It makes me sad. Maybe they are getting stressed out by my niece.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu ....Because of my back I can’t be a primary caretaker but the expect family to do that!

Ohhh, been there and it is not only frustrating, but can be exceedingly stressful, depending upon the personality and mental state of the patient. Advocate, advocate.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ronkuby i should never have married again. i cant handle having kids now. i need to be on my own. it's just so much responsibility and stress. i don't feel like doing it. i want to do whatever i want. i can barely take care of myself as it is.

What are your childrens' ages?

Hey Beth and everyone, sorry I haven't posted, I've mostly been posting in the schizophrenia forum, hard to keep up with two threads that both move so fast

I'm doing well, I went to the dentist yesterday and got a cleaning and exam. I have a couple cavities so I have a followup appointment to get them filled. Trying to keep up with better dental hygiene now though so hopefully this doesn't happen again at my next cleaning. I'd like to have a cleaning where they say everything is fine. I'm brushing 2-3 times a day, flossing 2 times a day, using Listerine total care flouride mouthwash every time I brush, and using sensodyne pronamel intensive enamel repair toothpaste. I am also purchasing an Oral B electric toothbrush, I have only ever used basic manual tooth brushes. I wanted something a little more advanced that can help my teeth get more thoroughly cleaned each time I brush.

I went grocery shopping today, completely didn't occur to me that today is the Friday before Super Bowl Sunday, there were TONS of people in the grocery store and it was extremely overwhelming, I had a panic attack and started dissociating. So I got most of what was on my list, left quite a bit off though to get next week though, I was trying to get out of there as fast as possible because the panic attack was getting really bad. I normally go really early in the morning when hardly anyone is there, I ended up waking up late today and going around 11am. So it was super busy between the time of day and the super bowl weekend coming.

I'm doing mostly good though, I got a letter from my doctor saying I am able to manage my own money now so I will no longer need a representative payee. I have had one since I was 19 and am 28 now. So I'm going to social security to fill out the paperwork and submit all that to them to hopefully become my own payee.

The cats are doing well, they have been playful and sweet as usual

Ive been exercising. Getting on the treadmill for 30 minutes nearly every day, taking lots of walks outside, and doing other workouts, and am taking a yoga class which I went to on Wednesday, it's an hour long yoga class. I enjoy it. This stuff helps my mental health, and of course physical health as well.

I bought an air fryer and have been using that, it's amazing.

So sorry about your mom Nammu, I will keep you all in my thoughts/prayers

Hugs to everyone here, I haven't really been able to catch up but also welcome to the new members because I noticed a few new ones and I think a returning member as well

congrats on your success!

As part of my "Let's tackle mental health head on, full speed" agenda I've got going on here -- I've decided to try to do probably the hardest aspect, lifestyle changes. I'm gonna try to eat better, sleep better, and be a more social. Everyone knows a multimodal approach is best with mental health (specifically studied medication + therapy). I'm the first to kind of dismiss lifestyle changes ONLY because I know "they won't solve everything". but in conjunction, the benefit is probably worth it. Same could be said for JUST medication, or JUST therapy. Some have more weight than others I would say, but no one will correct everything. I'm giving this all I got -- so it includes the lifestyle changes I mentioned.

So, this is what my mental health care plan looks like
1) Medication (perhaps vitamins?)
2) Therapy 2x a week for now, until IOP -- my therapist is big on somatic therapy too -- so mind and body therapy.
3) Lifestyle changes -- eating better, sleeping better, getting out more and also being more social


Can you guys think of any additional lifestyle changes (or facets i'm missing?) I could add to my list?

Anyway, thanks for reading.

Brent

Went to the ocean today and burned my legs and arms with only about 30 minutes exposure. I got aloe and it feels good when I apply it but I have to reapply it every 15 min or so.

Good news! Really good news! My depression dissipated for about 30 minutes today while I was in the ocean. It was awesome to see everything in color again.

My mood has fallen again though so I'm back to where I started but it's ok. I had a glimpse of feeling myself for about 30 minutes which is a big win!

We're going to a big show and dinner tonight and an excursion tomorrow. Hard to believe 5 days of vacation are already done.

Those are all good changes!

Try to get or develop a hobby, or do something that really interests you. It doesn't matter what the activity is, as long as it's not bad for you or anyone else. For me it's astronomy, it brings short term relief when I'm really focused on it.

That's a really great idea I hadn't thought about. Thanks @Scooter9!

Ohhh. Too exhausted to type much. Didn’t sleep much last night and got up early to stop the transfer to the nursing home. We’re going to set up in the living room. Mum’s favorite room.

Yesterday at work, for a short period of time, I felt completely at ease. No depression! Its like a big weight had been taken off my shoulders. It was a great feeling. Soon afterwards, the experience went away. Today, I would like to make some music on my synthesizers. I just cannot get going. Part of the reason is that I am afraid of failing.

My back couldn’t take the chair at the hospital a minute more. So I left and came home. There was 2 more hours I could have been there, but after two days of bending over the bed and watching mum I just couldn’t do more. My sister is trying to put this all on me. There’s no way I can be the primary caregiver. My back won’t let me. It’s gonna be Tuesday or Wednesday before we get home care set up. So until then it it’s long days in the hospital in their crappy chairs. Ooo what I wouldn’t give for a real pain relief right now.

Thinking of you as you go through this @Nammu. I can’t even imagine. And your poor back.

Saying hello and checking in. Finally getting over the worst of the flu. Feeling much better. Went out and celebrated today. Lunch and a movie.

I bought myself some really beautiful flowers today. Bright colors and glittery heart inserts. I’ll get Roses for Valentine’s Day from boyfriend and will love those as well.

My back has been giving me a fit. Don’t know what the answer is there. Just ordered an extra large plush heating pad with 6 settings.

I signed up for Alidot’s coming up. I picked a pair of flip flops that says life is better in flip flops - a nod to my year round foot wear. They are cute. Red with white polka dots.

Seeing my daughter tomorrow. Taking her a cake and a card for Valentines.

I can’t say I’m happy since I came off Vraylar but I’m hanging in there. Life is okay.

I hope everyone has a peaceful evening. Much love.

Using a new avatar -- it's an AI produced "portrait" of me. I found this site where their AI system analyzes a few photos of you and is able to then create portraits using different artistic styles and themes and basically create a realistic avatar, This is one I really liked. This is also an attempt of opening up a bit more too -- it may not ACTUALLY be my photo, but it's a pretty darn good resemblance. He looks like an adventurer in my opinion -- let's see where he sets off to

Was able to talk to the doctor this morning and switched mum to hospice. So she didn’t go to the nursing home. She’s at the hospital until we get home health care set up to come.

Strong self harm thoughts right now. I’m working on emotional eating as well and it’s hard to do both but they’re almost equally unhealthy so it’s a necessary evil. If I binge I feel terrible about myself so it’s just as bad if not worse than if I didn’t. If I were to self harm I wouldn’t feel bad about myself, just scared of hurting RS. He’s made me promise to be safe and if he can’t trust me what do we really have. So I had a food treat but stopped myself from completely bingeing. Had to come to a compromise.

Ugh I just want to be well again, I want these thoughts to just leave my head and leave me alone. Work was quite overwhelming today, it was very very loud, it would have been even without all the random noises the nonverbal kids make. sounds are just too loud right now. My hearing is super sensitive, as it gets during bad episodes.

I just want everything to stop. My brain says to do something the real me doesn’t want to do and it’s hard to just say no.

Did laundry and took a shower today. N3 brought over his cat for me to babysit through Monday. He and his gf went to Toronto. Of course I'm worried that they'll get mugged or shot! At least this time they got a hotel room - when they went to Chicago they were planning on sleeping in their car! (Luckily my daughter ended up paying for a hotel room for them.). I'm watching their cat while they're gone. She spent the first few hours hiding in cupboards and on top of cupboards. But she warmed up to me and came and sat next to me on the couch.

I guess my pdoc needs to include a letterhead with her email stating that because of my mental illness I am not able to perform jury duty. She sent them an email stating this but they want the letterhead to prove it's not just me sending it I guess.

J

I'm glad you felt better. I just had a similar experience today. Like you, I'm back to baseline now but it was nice while it lasted.

As for your music, try to play the music just for yourself. Use headphones or ear buds. Nobody has to know about it. It'll help ease the pressure of failing because only you will hear it.

I had the same problem as you but with writing. I always thought my writing was bad. So I wrote in my journal every day for a year. I got into the habit of writing and I wrote only for myself. It helped me build my confidence in myself. It was a slow process and I still have self doubts but it's not as bad as before. I often reread the passages I wrote during that time and looking back, I was overly critical. I guess writing for myself helped create another perspective that seems to help.

It's worth a try to just play the music for yourself, you've got nothing to lose.

Just made the most yummy paella. Score. This week was a long week at work. I’m back full time now and really missing having Wednesdays off.

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Originally Posted by Blue_Bird ...

I'm SO glad you're doing well, Birdie!

We picked up my new US passport yesterday. It won't expire until 2033. I'm sure I'll be looking a lot older then. I'll still keep my old passport on hand since my long-term EU visa is in it. I'm not sure if my Czech ID alone would suffice.

We're going to take it easy today. I haven't been feeling quite right, lately. We are cautiously optimistic that our home purchase is nearing completion, but won't yet hold our breaths.

I really look forward to the end of winter! I'm hating it.

Mum passed away this morning.