Bipolar Check-in #74

I did find ECT helpful, just not as helpful as it’s been in the past for me. It pulled me up enough that I’m no longer suicidal so that’s good, but in the past it’s brought me completely out of depression for a good long while. Not this time.

I haven’t tried TMS bc it hasn’t been covered by insurance but I’ve tried pretty much everything else. The one medication that works for me is called Emsam and it’s hard to get drs to prescribe it because it’s an MAOI. There’s dietary restrictions that go along with it and drs don’t think I want to deal with that. Well I want to deal with depression less, I’m perfectly willing to deal with not eating cheddar cheese if that’s what it takes.

I’m going to ask my new pdoc for it and see what he says. Can’t hurt to just ask.

Oooo is spring ever going to get here? The temperature does get into the 40’s but the real feel stays in the 30’s. the ground was covered with thick frost today and cloudy again.

With mum gone I’m really alone. This surprises me as before I moved in with her I was on my own for decades. The senior center seems to have emphasized how alone I am.

I've lost 4 pounds since Friday from whatver I have. I'm in no mood to eat. Today my stomach feels better and my anxiety is a lot better. My endocronolgist told me to raise my vitamin D to 1000 units to 2000. So hopefully that helps with something. I finally got out of the house for the first time in awhile to get some pudding and jello so I can try to eat something. I was on the verge of collasping from barely eating in awhile but I got a bunch of different kinds and I didn't have any anxiety in the store and no one paid any attention to the guy with a basket full of jello and pudding. I got an iced tea on the way home and the sugar in it made me feel better. I'm lying down now but I don't feel that bad. I haven't tried eating though.

My therapist emailed me and said the jello was great and also suggested I try Pedialyte. I know thats often reccomended for people with restricting eating disorders. At least shes not trying to get me to stop eating due to binging.

She offered to move my appointment to virtual but I'll see how I feel in the morning. I swear I'm not contagious.

Well I slept in until 5am when my partner started getting ready for work and woke me up! It’s a miracle. I haven’t been sleeping for months. I think it was the stress of the move … I did wake up twice to go to the toilet but I managed to fall asleep again which is so rare for me. I’m so pleased.

I’ve still got this week off work. I’m going to drop my son off at kindergarten then come home and sleep for a little more. I’ve got a lot of catching up to do …. Need to get to the store too to pick up bits and pieces.

Today I need to unpack some of my clothes. I just need to find the bags they’re in. Somewhere in the garage …

If that's what works for you, I'm surprised doctors won't prescribe it. Psychiatrists? Because a lot of people with resistant depression are helped with MAO inhibitors. I would find yourself one who will prescribe it, because the dietary restrictions are worth it if it works for you.

Sunday.... My day off from writing, yet I have a HUGE amount of work to do in order to re-outline and restructure my novel. So that is making me anxious. I need to not put so much pressure on myself. I know from experience it will work out.


One thing that is making me feel pressured is that a member of my writing group quizzes me about how it's going. She means well but... I guess in writing group (which is a writing session not critiques) I could always work on short stories. I'm more familiar with writing stories and I do want to continue with both. I can just say I've put the novel aside for now until I can move ahead....

This same member has been an absolute boon to me in many ways, and I like her very much.

Been a good day today! I met my mom for Sunday service and enjoyed spending time with her!

Had a bit of cabin fever, so after church I drove to one of the next towns over to have lunch and potentially see family that I haven't seen in forever. I took a gamble they'd be there as it's Sunday and the diner I visited is the only one close to their homes and their church (one of my cousins is married to the pastor of the church they all attend). My gamble paid off! I got to sit and eat and visit with them for a few hours.

Good news on the late-on-my-electrical-bill front. If everything comes through, I'll be all caught up tomorrow morning. Worst case scenario: I'll cover 60% and get the rest on payday Wednesday. Still an OK outcome.

Now to figure out what to do this evening. I'm sure I'll think of something!

My kidney doctor got back to me. He says he wants to do a liver function test. He said if the pain is bad to go to the ER. It is pretty bad but after another bathroom trip and another tylenol and the rest of the bottle of Pedialyte, I'm hoping I can avoid the ER. He said he could see me tommorow but my mom said we'd just keep the Tuesday appointment. Because you know, we have my niece for the day and my mom just can't say no to my sister for any reason. I'm still trying to figure out if I want to move therapy to virtual or not. She said shes totally fine with it and so is my mom. At this moment I'm in no shape to do in person even though I really want to.

So far so good with the metformin. I took my granny out today and she went in a store with me. It was so pretty out today. Back to work tomorrow.

my hubby plays in a latin band with malentina, A singer in the group she sings in spanish. They are having a practice tonight from 4-6pm. They have 2 festival to practice for Festival national and jazz fest. the following saturday

We decided to do some cleaning in the house. It had been a long time since the last cleaning. while he is gone I did the kitchen floors with a wet mop.
The results did not come out how I wanted them to so I use d the swifter wet to go over the kitchen floor again the mop did not do the right thing so I used some other cleaner to spot treat the floor. It looks better. the floor was filthy.
hello to all and i wish you a peaceful pain free day.
bizi

I haven't been keeping up with ukulele lately, not sure why, just kind of fell out of the habit. I've learned several Christmas songs and some other songs but I haven't gotten much further than that. I need to pick it back up again definitely, I also have a keyboard I want to try using.

hope you're able to find a hobby you enjoy

I have so many it's hard to keep up with them all sometimes. Painting miniatures, ukulele/music, photography, reading, videogames, board games, trading card games

I have the problem where I want to do everything but end up doing nothing lol

Have you tried crocheting? I tried that but couldn't figure it out

I had a quiet day.

@Aurelius710:

Sounds like you had a nice day and congratulations for catching up on the electrical bill!

@Blue_Bird:

Yeah, i've tried crocheting too, without success. I knit for a couple years tho, but it didn't work out.

I have a pretty soprano ukelele I want to
Be more committed to this summer. Such happy instruments! I also play mountain dulcimer. I recently bought a banjo dulcimer I’ve been messing with too.

Later today, my sister and I (and some other close family, like my dad's only remaining brother) will say goodbye to Dad for the last time. I've been thinking about what best to say on such a horrible horrible ocassion. And it will be over the phone, since I'm still in Czechia. It's not fully hit me, yet his deterioration has been a long process over the years. I want to only remember him as the dad we knew before my mother's early death. There are a lot of memories I much prefer before that time.

My brother is still in the hospital suffering. Sis was told that he's having auditory and visual hallucinations, and paranoia. They'll be testing why. We sure hope his cancer has not spread to his brain. If not, it would seem understandable having these reactions, given all the stress and misery. Perhaps my poor brother may not have a chance to say goodbye to Dad.

My heart is just breaking for you. I will be praying and sending you hugs and love

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I am so sorry for you all! Take care of all the good memories from the time you father was was healthy. Hope for the best for your brother!

oh my, I’ll be a pocket rider. This is one of life’s harder moments. I’ll be there in spirit.

Sorry for your loss!!! I’ll be thinking of you!

Brrr 🥶 it’s still below freezing without the windchill but I went to aqua fitness all the same. Everyone was there today! The extra light must be getting people going in the mornings. There’s a couple people from aquatic life that also do the senior center stuff.

Got laundry to do today.

@Soupe du jour:

My heart goes out to you on this sad occasion. I feel you are doing the right thing by remembering your dad when things were better. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

I’m so sorry to see this. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Sending gentle hugs and supportive vibes to you

I’ve had a rough few days. Called the crisis line 3 times in 3 days. Have called my NP for a first available. Texted back and forth with my therapist over the weekend. I have some difficult, painful things occurring in my life right now and that type of thinking does not help make anything better. I’m very thankful that I have supportive friends as my family is not.

I just had an outstanding session with my therapist and I’m about to head out to a 90 minute hot stone massage. After that I’ll buy myself flowers and come home and cook a healthy meal for mom and myself.

I hope everybody has a peaceful day and evening. Much love

I’m at work and so far the
Day has gone well!

I can’t believe graduation I’m 6 weeks away! Omg’!!!

Soupe, I'm so sorry. You and your family are in my prayers.