Bipolar Check-in #74

I am sorry to hear that you suffer so much.

I am sorry!

I am sorry to hear the move is been delayed and for not knowing how ig goes whith your sick family members in America!

Yes, so it is. In my case there are too few people that really knows me, if any. I am introverted as well and partly shy.


Others see a person with high education, good at speaking and full of humor. They don't know what is behind the facade or about all my struggles to try to cope as best I can.


This is the only place I can be honest abour my sufferings.

Calm before the storm, it feels like. On the plus side, today's my Friday at work and my mom and I will likely meet for Sunday service.

The minus: I've got the first of several doctor's appointments for the next two months starting Tuesday, I've got to get an appointment set up for my tooth (before the exposed pulp and abscess gets reinfected), Medicaid is likely going to reevaluate my "need" for the program at the beginning of April which, if I get bumped off, will make all these doctor's visits very awkward if they find out I have no insurance. I have other options: some good, others... not so much. We'll see.

Still can’t believe we’re in our new place. Seems too good to be true. I keep getting this underlying feeling that something bad is going to happen but I’m sure it won’t. After months of depression it feels good to feel happy about something.

Our new lounge suite got delivered yesterday. It took ages to unpack it. There was so much wrapping and polystyrene inside I’ve never seen anything like it. There’s bits of polystyrene balls all over my lounge that have stuck to everything. I have bugger all idea where on earth my vacuum cleaner is right now.

Yesterday I went to my old place to tidy up with my partner. The mess on the floor once they moved the washing machine and fridge out omgggggg. I can say those were 2 appliances I had never moved and it shows. I’m going back to my old place today with my partner to do one final clean. We still have to clean out my daughters bathroom. She left the place in such a mess. I was literally on my hands and knees scrubbing her floors and walls. Her walls are wrecked from posters she used to hang up. We’re prepared to not get our bond deposit back because we think that the landlord will want to repaint her walls. We’re also worried about scratch marks from the dogs in one of the lounges on the wooden floors. He may want to repolish the surface. But it was already quite scratched when we moved in but our dogs made it worse.

My new garage is packed with moving boxes. I haven’t even started unpacking a single box. I am going to try do my sons clothes today because he’s at kindergarten tomorrow so I’ll have to find him something suitable to wear. I’ve got 2 bags of my own clothes with a few outfits I know I can wear over the next few days. But I’ve been packing since December. This is going to take ages to unpack. Fortunately we have 2 garages. Previous owners were car enthusiasts so we’ve got the space to store the boxes, for now. I’ll make a slow start unpacking. I don’t feel in a particular rush. We’ve been eating off paper plates and microwave meals the last 2 nights because I haven’t figured out how I want to arrange my kitchen which is a lot smaller than I had realised so I’m going to have to pack smarter.

SUFFERING.

I know I said I come here more seldom, but this day has been so hard that I need to talk to you.

I am sitting right up and down like if I am glued to my chair. I have a lot to do, but does not do anything as of moving my body will harm me!

I have pain in my face as if something has changed after the massages in shoulders, neck and arms. Some years ago I went to a "whole person massage" where the massage therapist had an education in the relationship between tense muscles and emotions. It was really helping, but I had to move because of shift in the job. So I could not continue with that therapist.

I tried another with this "whole person" approach ,but he was too technical for me. I didn't feel like he was there together with me where I needed him to be.
The Massage therapist I now have is usually good, but neither him or I knew abut the inflammation in my shoulder. I think I will take a break from him, but on the other hand I feel that I am letting him down if I stop. I am only one of his many patients, so why should he feel failed be me? (This is complete idiotic).

I have been so full of the feeling that I am hurting others for the time being. So, as already told, I feel that if I cancel my appointment, I am failing him. I thought thoughts like that was passed far back in my student therapy many years ago. I have had this strange feeling of failing others the last weeks, so it is a change in my usual way of functioning.

In the same weeks I have used more Valium then I am allowed to use. I have taken a higher doze, tried to wean it off, but ended up with a new higher dose and so on. It "pricks" in my face when I go down in doze and my mouth feel numb.

After trying to wean off the last days, I felt so tense today that I was afraid of becoming mad, losing control or whatever. I wanted to scream out loud. It is only 20 mg, but old people shall not have high doses. The ordinary dose I am on is 2 1/2 mg.

Sorry for ranting, but to come here is the only place I know about where I meet people that probably will understand or at least accept my feelings.

I do feel better after coming here with the Valium inside (but there comes days after this where the dose has to go down again)!

Does anyone have an advice for me?

I lost track of the number after I had diarrhea 7 times yesterday afternoon and last night. I was in so much stomach pain and I couldn't eat or drink anything.

Then today I feel a lot better. My stomach is mostly ok. I'm not very hungry but I'm staying hydrated. My anxiety is a lot better then it has been lately. My stomach looks super flat from the 3 pounds I lost..

I'm hoping this is just some kooky virus and nothing else

So far I’ve been ok in the small metformin dose. I’m
Hoping as I titrate up that it will
Continue to go well

My heart breaks for you with you’re Dad and brothers failing health. It’s never easy. Hope you and your Sister can talk soon. I will keep you all in my thoughts.

Oh goodness no rooms all the way done? That would really upset me. I think along the same lines as you. Finish fully then move on

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Sorry about the mail box. I’ve hit a few and yes it’s embarrassing. Glad it was families and not a stranger that’s going to make it sound like you made a drive thru of there home.

I really wish ECT would have pulled you out quicker as it’s done so in the past . Here’s hoping the new Pdoc is a keeper !

I’m here if you need a ear or shoulder

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Congratulations on a successful move !!! Hope settling in goes ok

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Oh hun. I’m sorry everything is just piling on top of stacks of physical and emotional mountains higher and higher.

When you mix physical distress with emotional stress it can really knock you off your feet. My only advice is what I have to do sometimes is just FLOAT. Stop flogging your self to keep going up stream. It can be to exhausting. So give yourself time to go accept that your worn out and to give yourself some grace. Probably in a few days you will get up and dust yourself off to begin the battle up stream. Hugs !

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Thank you! This meant a lot to me! Tomorrow I have to pull myself togheter and go to a family gathering. I don't want to, but I have to ...

Monday I will try to follow my morning ritual wich includes exercises for my body and a walk outside. I will try to rest all day long after that (and cancel my appointment for massage).

Thanks again!

Went to visit my
Papaw and take him a framed picture of
His wife who just passed.

He told me how fat I’m getting.

As if visiting without her there was hard enough…

My sleep is all over the place! I slept a total of 11 hours last night, but I did it in 3 shifts (I got up 3 times for an extended period). Let's see how things go tonight.

It's gym day tomorrow - gonna be a tough workout.

Welcome ! Keep up the self care

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Mourning isn’t an excuse to be hateful.

I love you

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I'm so sorry you are feeling low I have been really low recently as well. Spring is helping a bit but I'm losing a friend to cancer.


Did you not find ECT helpful? Do you mind me asking what else you've tried? I personally have "done it all" - meds, TMS, CBT, ACT.... I do find some help from meditation and actually more recently from reading Stoic philosophy (which is not what it sounds like - the word has a different meaning in modern times).


I am currently off work on disability and trying to recover my mental and physical health - will be a long haul. I have a specialist's appointment in April to investigate my intestinal issues..

Always here if you want to message

omg sorry I am fat and I know how painful it can be when people remark on it - like, do they think I can't see??? Obesity is such a difficult thing for me because I have food anxiety that is quite severe. I think it is tough for anyone though. Our bodies do not like to lose weight - I will get serious food cravings at night if my calories are low enough for weight loss. I am strength training which helps.

Sorry for your loss

There was a snowstorm today and i'm bored from staying inside all day. I started playing solitaire on my computer and that's a nice diversion. I don't like Scrabble because it's so harsh: you win or you lose. Losing is unpleasant.

I've tried to develop other hobbies. I tried ukulele that Blue Bird so enjoys, but i couldn't get anywhere with it. I tried learning Czech so i could chat with Soupe, but boy, that is one hard language. I understand her reluctance to learn it now.

Anyways, being bored is pretty easy compared to how some of you are suffering. My thoughts are with you all!

Thanks for the kind words. While poor diet is partly why I’m overweight I also have been on antipsychotics for 16 years and thr weight just piled on. I also have polycystic ovarian syndrome which affects my hormone levels and blood sugar. All in all it’s a mess. I KNOW I am fat……I really don’t wanna hear it.

Hi there - I'm in BC (greater Vancouver). I didn't know it snowed in ON today. I have a friend in Pickering.


Boredom can be tough if you suffer from depression or anxiety. Solitaire can be enjoyable. I also enjoy reading novels. I am reading _Indians on Vacation_ by Thomas King. It's pretty funny.

LOL! You tried Czech? That's so sweet, Jane Yes, Czech is a nasty hard language to learn. Even properly pronouncing one of their words for difficult/heavy (těžký) is challenging.

I admire that you like to try new things. I hope the sun starts shining soon and snow will melt enough for flowers to show themselves.

The renovations manager/friend of ours is having panic attacks lately. We've advised him to please take the day off and try not to worry. That is obviously tough for us in our situation, but what can we do? We certainly don't want him to become really sick in any way. As people with mental health challenges, we could never deprive anyone of needed "mental health day" or days.

Hubby and I are sitting around doing nothing but being miserable. He even has the cold that I surely gave him. He just went upstairs to sleep again and it's 12:28 pm. Czech Republic had the time change early this morning. A later date than in the US. I think most or all of Europe did today.