Bipolar Check-in #74

I haven't slept well the past few days, after having a few good weeks. Might take melatonin tonight. Sleepytime herbal tea is also an option.

For the first time in a while I can’t sleep. I should be happy-elated-excited. But I’m not. I just wanna sleep away time.

I just feel like crap today and it seems to be getting worse.

(...)

I was completely alone at home today for a few hours and it was tough not acting on my SH thoughts, but I made it! One step at a time.

A successful day! They were out of stock Friday of my ambien so I broke what I had in half. Was sort of a rough weekend sleep wise but because I had nothing until 1pm I was able to manage enough sleep to get by. But boy, tough dreams. But went by this morning prepared to beg but the truck had arrived so tonight should be smooth sailing.

Had lunch at the senior center, I bought a book with me and sat in a booth but still talked to a couple people. It’s cheaper to eat there than at home. Then at 1 we played mahjong. Wow, complicated to learn but gets easier. Unlike Texas where we played the American version today we played the real thing. Was a fun time, I had a great partner.

My rheumatologist hates insurance companies dictating what medication people can take.


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I’m so tired. Physically, mentally…just so tired. Idk how I made it through work today but I did. I feel hungover from the seroquel even though I took it early and went to sleep relatively early. I fell back asleep after my alarm but thankfully CR is a sweetheart and says goodbye to me every morning so he woke me up. Otherwise I’m sure I would have slept straight through until after work started!

Im so depressed still, I thought I was going to cry just at the thought of going grocery shopping. We went, but I couldn’t concentrate so I have no idea what we bought. I grabbed a lot of grab and go foods because I can’t be bothered to prepare anything right now. My lunch today was mandarin oranges, baby carrots, and pumpkin seeds. I couldn’t fathom even slapping together an almond butter and jam sandwich. It was too much. Im alternating between bingeing and barely eating. If I don’t buy chips and ice cream I don’t binge bc it’s not there. So I’m not buying any. Just a lot of fruit and vegetables.

I still don’t know what to do. I have to slog through but it’s so hard. I know lexapro can take weeks to work. I briefly looked into ketamine at the behest of my therapist but the closest clinic is an hour away. I would need someone to drive me too. There’s TMS around me but I’m not sure. My therapist says it’s not as effective in bipolar depression as unipolar depression. And of course, I could go for maintenance ECT. But I need a driver for that too.

I feel so beaten down. Im drowning in SH and SI thoughts. Im mad again that I can’t SH. Only because RS would be upset and I might get thrown in the hospital. If it was socially acceptable I would do it but it’s not. I guess if you can’t hold on for yourself at the moment it’s ok to hold on for someone else.

Two assignments
From being done with my bachelors! I graduate in four days! Bring it on!

No answers today. Hopefully I'll know more tomorrow. It's sad mistakes happen and can't be just fixed. Was able to borrow some so our housing isn't in question this month. But everything else is. It's so scary that a simple computer mistake can ruin your life. I hate this constant stress and there's nothing but waiting that can be done.

We have been on a trip to the mountains today. I loved it! White Spanish cities are so lovley.


It so good to be able to say that I loved my day! It's only a few weeks since I still was deeply depressed.

I think we all probably need to be kinder and more compassionate to ourselves. We’re all very good at being too hard on ourselves!

This is amazing! I’m so pleased for you!
I’m glad you had a lovely day and I hope you have an even better evening!

So my therapist encouraged me to do more ECT. She asked me point blank if I could go on like this for the next 4-6 weeks while I wait for the lexapro to take effect and I said absolutely not, 100% no. I’m this close to starting to call out of work. If I go on like this I WILL end up IP. I hate IP. I mean the facilities I go to are nice (three of them anyway) but just the whole experience sucks.

So tomorrow I’m going to call the ECT center and see what they say. The scheduling woman gave me her card (which I lost so I have to call the main number) and told me if I ever feel like I’m slipping to give her a call and they’ll get me in. So as much as I hate it and don’t want to, it really seems like the only option. It’s worked many times in the past. And I don’t have to be written out of work completely, just on treatment days.

I’ll call tomorrow. Right now I’ve got an awful headache so I am going to return to my darkened room and lay with an ice pack on my head for awhile.