Bipolar Check-In #76

Feeling down today.

Had my pdoc appointment and my post op appointment on Wednesday. My pdoc appointment went fine. We kept everything the same. At my post op she told me I could be swollen for up to a month! I'm so tired of being swollen and in pain!

Haven't been creative in weeks. 45k words into my novel. I plan on it being around 60k, so I'm so close to being done with it! I'm just so tired and my brain feels like mush.

Boo hoo!

Oh, and I've somehow managed to gain fifteen pounds in six weeks. That's actually pretty impressive!

I've been having a terrible time with a heap of laundry that accumulated while i was depressed. Today i did a load!

That's good!

I personally loathe doing laundry.

@Aurelius710, 'm sorry that you lost your friend so suddenly, and prematurely. I agree it's hard to not have a chance to say goodbye, or even when you have one. However, we are at least always lucky to have had them in our lives. They do live on in our hearts and brains, but the younger they were the sadder it is in the way you mentioned...passing before a full life was lived.

My daughter officially quit karate. I'm so sad. She was even in the middle of training for her second degree black belt. VERY sad about this 😢.

My anxiety is low today. It started a little high but it got better after my Seroquel hangover passed.

We went shopping for some furniture yesterday. We need to replace our living room furniture. The store is about 1.5 hours drive away from home. All four of us went - it was nice to be together. The store was great - lots of options and styles to choose from. Saw some patio furniture too.

Going back to work today after a week off due to having the flu. Still not 100%.

Slept badly last night. Fell asleep at 4:00pm and didn’t really get up again. Woke up every hour from about midnight with a sore body, just tossing and turning.

Hope I survive the day. I’ve got limited sick leave left hence I’m going in.

I did another load of laundry. I can't believe it is happening. I am actually doing my laundry.

My dog likes to stretch. I call her "Stretchin' Gretchen"!

@Nammu:

I hope when you are sad about your mom you remember what a loving daughter you were.

I feel really blah and tired today. I took all my meds as directed and I slept well last night and I've eaten ok. My caffeine intake was ok too. I've had stomach issues maybe 5-6 times today but it wasn't a big deal.

My anxiety is ok. Mainly I'm just really tired I guess.

Ha. I just went through a few pages of the BP check in thread from August 2020. I was a lot different mental health wise before my surgeries.

I'm in a strange space these days. I'm kind of bouncing back a bit from the moderate depression I was in, but now, sleeping more than three hours a night has become impossible. I'm not really speeding, so I don't think I'm headed into a hypo state. I've been spending too much money online, but one doesn't have to be half crazy to get sucked into that black hole.

My anxiety is so bad I can't stand it! It's reaching intolerable levels and I fear I'm heading into an anxiety episode.

I called my pdoc's office and am seeing my therapist tomorrow morning.

I can't stand this anxiety and it just seems to be getting worse and worse! I feel physically sick. Normally when I get anxious like this I exercise, but I can't do that now because I'm still healing from surgery.

@raspberrytorte:

I'm so sorry to hear you are suffering anxiety! I hate anxiety worse than depression. I hope your therapist and pdoc can give you some relief. Hang in there. I am sending best wishes for a swift resolution. Remember: "This too shall pass."

Not feeling it today. Just wnated to stay in bed.

I wanted to treat myself for doing laundry. I decided i would take myself out to lunch. Monday is a good day of the week for solo dining. It's nice and quiet. I wanted to go to my favorite lovely, elegant restaurant where i have decided i'm ready to face the music. I made a scene there last Summer but have been assured by management that i am welcome back. But it isn't accessible to me due to a public transit crisis. So i tried a local place. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a dive bar. The food was disgusting AND slightly burned. I ate what i could and fled.

So that wasn't much of a treat!

But i managed to do a few errands on the way home, so all was not lost.

Thank you! You're so nice!

I hate anxiety worse than depression too. Anxiety is CRIPPLING. If I could wave a magic wand and get rid of my anxiety disorder I would. It's really affected my life in a negative way. Like, I would have finished college if it wasn't for my anxiety. Ugh. I LOATHE anxiety.

Anxiety is a tough one that I am very thankful not to experience very strongly.

However, I do tend to create narratives and put a lot of mental energy into trying to connect seemingly unrelated ideas. I also can ruminate. And perpetuate uncomfortable situations for myself by realizing I am "out of the loop" so to speak and then continuing onward anyway, if that makes sense.

I don't wish crippling anxiety on my worst enemy and hopefully the simple things in life can be a focus for you who experience it strongly. There is a lot of good things going on, right now, in the moment if you look hard enough.

Been having that bugs on my skin lately I can’t stand it

sorry for the bugs....must be annoying. You know they are not real?
hard to ignore.
sorry (((((HUGS))))))
bizi

I’m sooo sad tonight. I don’t know what’s going on with Sir. He didn’t greet me this morning. And was odd, but did eat breakfast. So I left for the day and when I got home he didn’t greet me and was under the bed. After a bit of me talking to him he came out. His left eye is all red and sunken. He had thick discharge from his nose and the vets is closed. But trooper he is he did eat supper. But went back under the bed when usually he spends his time on me. I just now gave him the last of the pain meds I have for him. I’m getting up early to call the vets office. I have an email and text to them but they won’t get it until tomorrow. I’m afraid he does have a tumor and I’m afraid he is in pain now and that’s why he under the bed. Otherwise he’d be in my lap. He comes out every time I talk to him tho. I’ve read that cats like to be left alone when sick so I’m trying to respect that.

Well, there's a date for the funeral. Thursday. It'll be a day off work, but my boss was understanding about the whole deal.

Still numb. I'll get there eventually. In the meanwhile, I'm cheering myself up with some Star Trek since the next episode dropped early! A lighthearted one at that!

Oh I am so sorry about sir, yes his behavior sounds like he is in pain. Does
your home town have emergency vet hours. we have a hospital that is run 24/7. So maybe you could get more pain meds tonight.
I am sorry you are going thru this. You mentioned a tumor, is that what the vets are saying? What do they think?

The vets office is opening up again tomorrow. Would you be able to take him as soon as they are open?
I am sure this is hard on you when you have been so close.
It is hard when we see our fur babies sick.
try to take care.
bizi

About an hour after I gave him the last of the pain meds he came out and has been in my lap ever since, except for a brief moment when he got more to eat. He seems much better. But yes the moment the vet office opens in the morning I’ll be calling. Definitely going to get more pain meds. He’s eating so there is that.

Took the day off work today. Went in yesterday and it just killed me. I’m so physically drained. There’s no muscle in my body that doesn’t ache.

I’ll make damn sure to get the flu vaccine every year from now on, including getting my son vaccinated!

I'm so incredibly sorry that Sir isn't himself, @Nammu. You two have been through so much together...the move from Texas, taking care of your Mum, losing her, moving into your new place, etc. You mean a lot to each other. I'm glad the pain reliever got him back into your lap. That must have been a great source of comfort for both of you.

Maybe I'm full of it, but folks with mental illness seem to depend on their pets' love since we often don't love ourselves (I speak only from my own experience). Our pets represent a constant...while our moods are often all over the place. I hope the vet will be able to put your mind at ease. You and Sir will definitely be in my thoughts. We've never met in person, but you are a very special person, Nammu. Please take care of yourself so you have the emotional strength to take care of Sir. Namaste...

I know in my mind it’s not real bugs bc I check.