Bipolar Check-In #76

Ooo thank you. What a nice way to be greeted. This morning he was on his usual favorite chair and ate quite well. His eye is still red but he seems much himself today. Still planning on going to the vets though.

Well, I had my first ketamine infusion this morning! It was a very unusual experience.

I felt a loss of control over my thoughts, my body felt numb, I could see my feet moving but didn't feel anything. I tried to speak but I couldn't control myself to muster speech. I was outside myself at the same time as a feeling of being trapped within myself.

When the infusion finished, all those strange sensations went away and I was able to move and feel like I usually do.

I guess I'm better prepared now for the next infusion on Thursday.

So far, I don't feel any differently than I normally feel - anxious and low - but what I've read and been told is that it can take a few infusions to start feeling better.

Keeping my fingers crossed.

@Nammu I'm glad your kitty seems to be feeling better.
@HALLIEBETH87, I empathize with your situation about feeling bugs! I know a little of what you feel. Just hang in there, it'll pass hopefully soon. Maybe it's being triggered by anxiety?

I think it is anxiety

That's interesting - I hope it works out!

A couple Qs if you don't mind - how long did the dissociation last and what did the doctor say is the end goal? I may research what exactly it does to the brain later

Back from the vets. They still think he has a tumor that’s causing all this, but because of his age don’t recommend drastic measures. He has an upper respiratory infection and got antibiotics for that. That’s a once a day liquid. His eye is bleeding internally and the only thing is to wait for it to stop because he’s too old for an operation. They gave me more pain meds for any bad days and I’m to watch for seizures. It’s just comfort care at this point. He’s not in any pain today. Since he’s eating, pooping and peeing normally it’s just wait and see.

Thanks everyone for thinking of him.

I'm happy your kitty isn't in any pain currently, nammu!

The effect lasted for as long as they were administrative ketamine. It started off as mild but increased in intensity after about the first 10 min.

The goal is to rewire the mind. The idea is to give you a break from your current thoughts to develop a new perspective. They say the effects go beyond the effects of the drug - it's the new pathways that it leaves behind that makes the difference, so I'm told. I'm not yet feeling any differently but maybe after the second infusion since I now know what to expect.

I'm not doing well today. I went on a test trip to see if I could make it to my annual lake trip. And I am currently in so much pain in my hotel room I've made 2 trips to the bathroom because I'm so ready to puke. This is really bad pain. I didn't wear my seat belt during the trip. Yeah I know. Not smart. My mom wasn't thrilled but she understood. I was sitting in the back seat at least. I then had to stop and use the bathroom on our way. I didn't even drink that much. I hate using public restrooms but I know of a store that has all gender restrooms. I did drink one of those Starbucks Oleato drinks which may not have helped my stomach. I told my mom I won't be going on the lake trip though.

This bad pain just really came on all of a sudden. But today I was never really doing very well.

I had some bloody discharge from my @nus yesterday. I see my doctor on Thursday. It hasn't happened again. But i've been noticing tiny smears of bloody discharge on my panties for months. I had my regular colon cancer self-test recently and it came back negative. But it's best to get it checked out.

I figure it's because i eat such a poor-quality diet and yesterday i ate particularly badly. At first i just thought i'd make dietary changes but then i decided i'd see my doctor. I might need help making dietary changes (a therapist) as i've been trying hard today but i've still had two attacks of diarrhea, tho no more blood.

Sorry to be so cheerful. Feeling listless and my guts feel uneasy. Before the diarrhea i felt relatively well. I started the day off right with a shower and laundered my bedding so i sleep in a clean bed tonight like a Queen! But then the diarrhea happened and i just feel so unwell. Diarrhea always wipes me out.

Hope everyone is doing as well as possible under the circumstances.

Well, I won't be using GoodRx again. Particularly their "Gold" program. One of my scrips (the one that keeps me immediately functional) came due two days after my Medicaid coverage ended. Added bit of fun: my usual pharmacies were out of stock.

So, I opted for GoodRx Gold which advertised itself as extra cheap meds at specific pharmacies for $10 a month. It even included the first month free.

At any rate, my med cost $63 retail. My "Gold" pharmacy, which was the only one within 20 miles to have my med, had a listed price of $27.05. From GoodRx for this pharmacy specifically. The staff there refused to honor this price, pleading poverty and shipping costs. They hilariously got indignant when I suggested they revisit their relationship with GoodRx if they're not interested in being a "Gold Tier" pharmacy. Presumably, the pharmacy made some kind of arrangement with the company to be at this higher level.

I browbeat the pharmacist into selling me a week of the medicine, since my new insurance becomes effective August 1. I was seething when I left. Once I calmed down, I called GoodRx to lodge a complaint. GoodRx had their non-compliant pharmacy's back, informing me that "independent pharmacies," had the discretion to refuse service. All of the Gold Tier Pharmacies in my area are Independent Pharmacies, so I'm paying $10 for a extra discount prescription service where the pharmacy won't honor the "extra discount" part.

I'm going to give the pharmacy's home office a call (They're a state chain.) and leave a complaint. If nothing comes of that, to the FTC I go! This is fraud if I've ever seen it! Being told to pay $10 for an extra special service that grants extra special discounts at extra special pharmacies only to find out the extra special pharmacies won't do squat!

^ Good luck on the call, I respect it. It bothers me when things are misleading. I've sent plenty of emails and phone calls trying to justify things like this, it's worth a shot and can absolutely work

I went to the gym today. I was almost not going to go because I woke up late. My trainer took it easy on me today, which was good. I drank a lot of water during the workout.

I slept pretty well last night. I kind of remember my dreams. I still don't feel any differently, after the first ketamine treatment.

Second treatment tomorrow. I'm going to relax more and listen to really chill music.

I was at this cool international grocery store this morning and I found a bunch of European flavors of Fanta for $1.50 each. I also found hamburger flavored Cheetos and some other stuff. International stores never used to carry exotic flavors of name brand soda until very recently.

Anyways as normal this morning I was feeling ok. I wasn't very hungry but I ate some cheese and crackers out of a Starbucks bistro box and I got my shopping done.

I woke up this morning with a giant canker sore or mouth ulcer or something on my bottom left lip. Its huge and it brushes agaisnt my teeth and idk what its from. My dentist said I was taking great care of my teeth and that was just a couple weeks ago. It doesn't hurt. Its just getting in the way of like drinking water and stuff.

I'm ok so far. Kinda getting to that point of day though pain wise. Kinda feeling woozy.

I can only go to the bathroom a little bit at a time and when I do go its black. Is that bad?

My therapist goes into meltdown mode when I talk about losing weight but when I express my concerns about weight gain she just says "you have to get used to your new body."

I'm just kinda nauseated right now and I can see why they don't make grape ice cream.

Been tired a lot, up and down all night to use the restroom because of the diabetes. I know my sugar is high when I get really thirsty and then I really have to go to the bathroom as if it's an emergency. I know it's been because I haven't been drinking a lot of water and drinking sugary drinks which really make you even MORE dehydrated.

Other than that, mood has been well, I haven't a high or low episode in a very long time, and I am just getting through life as best as I can.

Court is coming up Tuesday and that's going to decide my future, and I am super nervous about it.

Best of luck Tuesday that they drop things like they said they would and that you can move forward.

I made it thru yesterday without a diet cola. I've had a terrible diet cola habit for decades. It was a challenge but i made it. It was really hard just before 7:00pm when i knew the convenience store in my building was about to close. But i made it. I'm sure the excessive diet cola consumption has been primarily what's ruined my digestion. I'm just drinking pure plain water. It's not too bad.

I've been eating dry toast, rice and applesauce. I'll see if i can get ahold of a banana later. This is the BRAT diet recommended for diarrhea.

I felt nauseous this morning but thankfully it's worn off. Yay! Attended my ZOOM support group until it got too silly.

I'm hoping my doctor will just ask me to repeat my colon cancer self-test. I'm dreading he orders a colonoscopy because i hear they are pretty wretched, especially the preparation.

@LadyShadow:

I hope things go well at court!

I didn’t feel much like going to 500 but I’m glad I pushed myself to go. Had a good time, even won a couple of times. It’s a good crowd. There was only 6 tables today.

Stopped off at the bank and got 7 rolls of pennies for tonight’s poker games. I thought 7 rolls sounded like a lot but, eh, doesn’t look like much now that it’s in the container. Hope I have the same luck I had two weeks ago. Then it was just 5 of us. A perfect amount. Hope tonight is the same. But there might be twice as many. That makes me a bit nervous. Still most people are nice.

The heat has arrived here but tomorrow will be worse. Not planing on going outside tomorrow. Soooo glad I no longer live in Texas.

I thought i'd write a little about my diet cola habit in case any of you can find it in your hearts to support me while i try and get off it.

I was a moderate diet cola drinker since my teens. It's just gotten really bad for about the last 15 years. I've been drinking about four to six cans a day. I've been buying it eight cases at a time. It's been giving me diarrhea almost daily unless i am vigilant about eating vegetables which isn't always the case. I talked to my old doctor about it once and he just dismissed it. He suggested two over-the-counter rememdies which didn't work.

It's been unhealthy, a waste of money, bad for the environment and a bore to try and keep stocked up in it here at home as i have no car. I've actually heard that diet pop promotes appetite, so it's totally counter-productive.

I've tried to quit about five times. I've given it to a neighbor, donated it to the food bank, poured it down the drain, made a video commitment to quitting on Facebook and thrown it in the dumpster. I always got more. I even continued drinking it after i had a diarrhea accident when i was walking at the river path across from my home after having diet cola and jalapeno cheesies for breakfast. I kept on drinking it.

Now i am faced with rectal bleeding. I think i am finally scared straight. I made it thru yesterday without one, but i've gone one day before. I would sure appreciate any kind words you can spare to help me on this quest to rid my life of this terrible habit.

Ooo that’s tough Jane. Can you replace it with carbonated water? I usually have one can of Pepsi a day but now that it’s so hot I’ve replaced that with bubly . It’s just flavored water but it has bubbles that help. I also like Perrier but it’s never on sale.

Good luck. I know you don’t need to hear the bad stuff about diet sodas so I’ll not say any of that, just good luck.

@Nammu:

Thanks for the support, Nammu!

Yes, i've tried to replace the pop with carbonated water. I've tried Perrier in the slim can and that eased my craving once when it was really raging, so i'll keep that in mind. I actually bought a home soda water maker for a pretty penny ($150) but i don't care for it as much because you have to make 750ml at a time and i don't want to drink that much. Drinking too much liquid just makes my diarrhea worse. It comes with a cap but it doesn't stay carbonated. It goes flat. You basically have to drink the whole 750ml at once and that's no solution.

All this to say, i have really tried with the diet cola, i have put my money where my mouth is and really made the effort. But success is falling down ten times and getting up eleven, so maybe this is the time!

Thanks for the reminder about the Perrier. If i drink it out of the slim can it sort of simulates the diet cola experience. A great alternative for when the cravings get out-of-control. I know they are coming!

I wish you well with reducing the diet soda.

I was thinking, your bleeding could be a ruptured hemorrhoid. It could be an internal one. You can get suppositories to help heal them.

I had a scare a while ago with bloody stools for a while and it ended up being a hemorrhoid that eventually healed.

@Scooter9:

Glad to hear your backdoor woes were healed with relative ease. I hope mine will be too! Did you have to have a colonoscopy? How did it go? I hear they are wretched, dreading having one.

Just a note that i am actually trying to quit diet cola completely. I haven't mentioned it before but i actually have tried to reduce or ration it. I put the cases out-of-sight in my bedroom closet and just put one in the fridge to chill. I thought that would discourage me from over-indulging but it didn't. Then i tried putting the cases down in my storage locker in the basement where it would be less convenient to get at them, and only available limited hours. That didn't work. Then i tried not having any cases on hand at all and just buying one, one single can at a time from the convenience store in my building. That didn't work, plus their prices are highway-robbery.

So, reducing consumption doesn't work. I guess it's only total abstinence for me.

Thanks for your support!

good luck Jane. It is hard for the addiction if that is what you call it.
I have similar addictions. one to alcohol and the other to the internet and then to food. a trifecta.
bizi

I had to quit diet soda because I realized my weight loss stalled. Once I stopped I started losing. I do have a bad regular soda habit though. It doesn't help that I keep getting good reports from the dentist which in my mind just mesns that I can keep up the habit. Its bad because I use them in place of food which fuels restriction and its just a problem.