Bipolar Check-In #76

@bizi:

Thanks, Bizi, that's really nice. I actually don't call it an addiction, out of respect for people who are addicted to drugs or alcohol. I just call it a habit. I'm sorry to hear you struggle also. I've read before how you fight against alcohol. But like i said, success is falling down ten times and getting up eleven, so you never know, your next efforts against your addictions just might work!

hi jane,
I do struggle with alcohol,internet and food addictions. so I can relate to a lot of folks here.
bizi

It's occurred to me that something positive might come out of this health scare. My current doctor has tried to get me therapy for my unhealthy eating for up to a year in the past before i gave up. But this incident might fast-track me to a therapist pronto! I know a guy in my support group couldn't get into a detox until a panic attack sent him to the hospital. Sometimes in health care you have to be in a relatively serious crisis to get any help. We'll see.

@Mountaindewed:

Thanks for the support! I've been following your struggles with eating healthy. It seems we have some of the same issues. I'm sorry to hear therapy isn't helping you more, as i have high hopes for it for myself. But i guess the only sure way to fail is not to try, so try we must!

I’m depressed. Some things are going well but there’s an undercurrent of depression that keeps dragging me down. I keep having and keep randomly crying. I feel like I’m a burden on everyone in my life and I barely have any moral support. Even with the support I have I’m afraid to ask for help because I feel that things aren’t bad enough yet and that I don’t deserve help and should be able to push through it. Not to mention that my psychiatrist of 8 years is leaving, we had our final appointment last week and now I have a new one starting in September. I’m devastated about that too.

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@Blue_Bird:

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling. You are certainly not a burden. You even volunteer! You have to have a good heart to do that. Please ask for help. Please ask for support. People like you make the world a better place. Let others have the opportunity to prop you up in your moment of need. Sorry to hear about losing your psychiatrist. That's probably making your current distress all the more difficult. We're here for you always and reach out to any other supports you have to comfort you until you connect with your new psychiatrist.

Thank you Jane, I appreciate that

I might call my therapist and ask for a sooner appointment if I can, my next appointment with her is august 10th so it’s awhile away.

Part of me feels like I’m overreacting or something but I never ask for help. Maybe I should for once.

Sorry I haven’t posted in awhile on here , just been busy with some stuff. I am trying to volunteer more to get out of the house more so in addition to the Kitten Angels thing I do once a week I’m going to do a few shifts at a community outreach center that serves free meals to the community. I have a shift there this Friday and one next Thursday and Friday as well.

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@JaneOnceMore
I wish you lots of luck! I too have a diet soda habit but I’m not looking to give it up just yet. I have only two vices, the diet soda and vaping nicotine. I think the vaping nicotine has to go first. It’s so expensive and I don’t care what anyone has to say, it can’t be good for you. I just think there’s not enough long term research yet to show the harmful effects. But it’s more tolerable to RS and CR than actual smoking. I would still be a smoker if it weren’t proven to be so harmful. I prefer it over vaping. But alas, it is not to be. One of these days I’ll kick nicotine and once I’ve got that under my belt for awhile I’ll tackle the diet soda.

Good luck to you and good luck with your health journey! It is very difficult to make lasting changes but well worth it.

@Blue_Bird:

Listen to you! A second volunteer gig? You must have a heart of gold! Try and look at yourself the way your cats do. They just pour love all over you, right? And if you have a weak moment, remember to live for them, if not yourself. I have a dog and once when i didn't want to live for myself, i lived for her. And it passed! This too shall pass!

@wildflowerchild25:

Thanks for the support!

Good luck with quitting the vaping. I agree that it's the priority. Perhaps you could get some support with the cessation? In my city there are support groups. It might be nice to have some buddies to quit with. Are there medical aids that could help, as patches do with smoking? Quitting vaping and smoking is so challenging, yet so important, i just think it's best to get all the help and support you can. And of course, we are here for you whenever you need!

I have a soda habit I just can't quit -- a few years ago I went from regular soda to zero-sugar soda, which is essentially diet soda that taste closer to the original. I know it's not good for me but it's like my only vice in life. I don't think I could go without it, but I really should cut back myself.



Picked up my meds this morning. No issues -- but I always get bent out of shape about it, assuming the worst. I'm glad it went well.


No real news to report-- just lurking as usual.


Take Care!

I finished my second ketamine infusion a couple of hours ago.

It was more intense this time, probably because I let myself relax and had really chill music in my earbuds. I had my eyes closed just about the whole time. I saw my thoughts floating by in a sea of color. It wasn't a hallucination though, just bearing witness to myself.

It took a while for the ketamine to wear off this time so I stayed in recovery longer. My head finally cleared by the time I got home. I'm still a little dizzy.

I have my third infusion next Tuesday, and my last one on Thursday.

I feel a little more positive than I did before, but maybe that's just me coming off the treatment. I'll see how I feel tomorrow.

No I haven't had a colonoscopy yet. My doctor says I should get one though. I've been putting it off because of my depression, IOP program, and now ketamine treatment. I might go for it in September or October.

I'm sure you'll be fine with your issues. Remember to drink a lot and try the suppositories for a couple of weeks, or whatever the directions on the package say.

I hate to tell tales about my bunghole here, @JaneOnceMore and @Scooter9, but colonoscopies are a piece of cake. The biggest pain is the prep. You can only drink clear liquids (like chicken broth) or certain sorbets 24 hours before the procedure. They put you out with a mild anesthesia & you feel no pain and simply wake up in the recovery room. No memories or pain at all. Since I am at high risk (I'm a polyp producer), I have to have one done every 3 years, Most people only have it done every 10 years, though. Colon cancer is nothing to ignore; I've known own people who have died from it. There are generally no symptoms until the cancer is advanced. I would encourage everyone over 40 to get one.

Me? I've been struggling with some anxiety lately due to certain issues out of my control. After a long period without seeing my therapist, I've started to go weekly. I've only been getting 2-3 hours sleep a night. I really like my therapist; she brings issues and solutions to the table that I would never consider myself. I see my shrink/NP Tuesday, and it seems I will require an increase in my Zyprexa. I am grateful that I have such a wonderful support system.

I wish everyone a pleasant weekend. After all, it's in sight.

Symptoms seem to be at ease. I haven't felt any kind of unbalance in quite a while. I think my meds have been doing what they are supposed to for a good while now. I am blessed and lucky and trust me I check that off in my gratitude list every day.

Anxiousness is something I have never dealt with before, but it is coming up a lot lately. I don't want a pill for it, but I know I need to live in the moment more instead of obesessing about the future. There was a point in my life where I just put the future on a backburner thinking that I would start making moves in my life until something happened, or I achieved a certain goal. Now, life has caught up to me and I am experiencing real changes every day.

Scary place to be right now.

I have to agree with Buddha, colonoscopies are pretty painless. My first one more than 20 years ago was pretty awful with the prep. But they’ve really improved that. My second one oh, 4-5 years ago was a breeze. The prep wasn’t bad and of course the procedure itself was nothing. You go in they ask a bunch of questions then you’re wheeled into the procedure room and your lights go out, then you wake up back in the first room, get dressed and go home.

Not a colonoscopy but my endoscopy ****ed me up. I had such a hard time waking up afterwards I had to have 2 nurses help me out of it. Then I had about a week of bad post procedure depression. My pdoc said it was a reaction to the anethesia. My case wasn't typical though.

Today I've felt weird. My canker sore is bigger but I think its getting better with the help of some OTC oral liguid med. Don't eat seasoned chips though with a canker sore. My side pain is starting up. This heat sucks but I have the chills and I'm tired. I think Sinead O' Conner commited S.

**** this pain though. Its radiating down my right side up into my upper right side of my stomach and my right shoulder blade.

I didn't do as well today as i had one pop... and chips. It was about 5:00pm tho, so reasonably late in the day. It gives me trouble if i have it early in the day. I was just sitting on the sofa, doing nothing, feeling bored and deprived, and i darted down to the convenience store. So i guess i am making unhealthy food choices out of boredom and unhappiness. I've struggled with these issues mightly, without success, so i don't know what the fate is for my project of eating healthy and getting off pop. I really felt good after tho, like i was high. Oh, the pleasure, oh the relief! I attended a ZOOM support group and really enjoyed it, coasting on my high. The convenience store is closed now, so i know that's it for the day. I did eat veggies and protein earlier in the day, so i was sort of all-over-the-place with my eating today.

My doctor and i decided to do an exam in his office, a blood test, and a stool sample test. The exam went well, no issues. We'll do a colonoscopy if my tests results so indicate or if i have another episode of rectal bleeding. Thanks Buddha and Nammu for the info that they are not bad at all. I feel more confident that i can handle one, if it comes to that. Sorry to hear, Mountaindewed, that your endoscopy was so terrible and that you're in pain again. That must be so unpleasant. I heard Sinead O'Connor died too, and she's always been a favorite of mine. We were exactly the same age, 56. She was so passionate, such a warrior. It was reported that she had bipolar, also. The cause of death wasn't given.

You can do this! Back in 2007 I realized I was using caffeine to elevate my mood and had increased from one soda per day to several coffees and several sodas each day. I stopped cold turkey and it was miserable for a while and then I started feeling so proud of myself and it turned into an accomplishment. Every year on Labor day I remember what that was like and celebrate in my head. It sucked but it was totally worth it.

I'm another positive colonoscopy story. the prep wasn't fun but I've had worse experiences treating constipation. I went in and remember being prepped for the endoscopy I also had that day and then nothing else until they moved me into recovery. I came out and was apparently talking and seeming quite awake but I don't remember much except that I wanted pancakes. The doctor said I should go have pancakes and so I felt I deserved them but McDonalds didn't have them and I didn't want to go into a restaurant so I just was disappointed . I survived the pancake loss though and mostly otherwise just got home and slept. I think my mom made me pancakes for dinner or the next day. I will always associate colonoscopy with pancakes though.

@BeyondtheRainbow:

You're so strong to have quit caffeine cold-turkey! I so admire that! I just am worried that my life is too empty to quit pop and junk. I do feel better for having restricted it today, and having had none yesterday or the day before. I'm still going to try, but i don't feel as passionate about it as i did last night. Well, it's my life, and my body, and my fate.

Thanks for chipping in about your colonoscopy experience. Glad to know it wasn't too bad for yet another member. Haha about the colonoscopy/pancakes association. That's one-in-a-million!

The funeral for my friend was today. It was nice, as far as funerals go. There was sadness for sure, but it was exactly as they printed it on the obituary: A Celebration of Life. Speaking for myself, it was bittersweet to reflect on the near thirty years he was part of my life, from joining his congregation (He was a minister.) as a child to the mentorship he gave me in my high school and young adult years all the way to the friendship we shared in the last years of his life.

What I didn't expect was how his family reacted. All of them remembered me and remembered me well. Not only that, they told me of all the wonderful things he said about me. Much of what we did was sit in his office after services and just talk. Talk about everything from his sermons and theology to general philosophy to the news to traveling. He visited many places in both a personal capacity and in his capacity as a preacher. I'm positive I get a lot of my love of traveling from him.

We were friends, and I have no doubt about our friendship, but I was surprised how much of an impression I made on his family. How much I was noticed, noted and remembered. It was humbling and heartening to hear.

The funeral service was quite the affair. It was held in his church where the sanctuary could hold 300 easily. It was standing room only. I was lucky my mom held a seat for me or else I'd have been a sardine in the back. Again, so many people were touched by his presence in their lives. I saw that and was grateful for his presence in my life.

I kept thinking of a short little verse while I was there.

"The Moving Finger writes, and having writ, moves on. And no piety or wit shall lure it back to cancel half a line and no flood of tears will wash away a word."

As sad as his passing was, I don't think I want to wash away a word. He had a good fulfilling life, an amazing story that I was privileged to be a part of.

It’s 10pm
Here and sooo
Hot!

Is anyone else melting

@LadyShadow:

I'm glad to hear your meds are working. It's great that you're checking-off a gratitude list. It's always comforting to me to count my blessings. My life is sort of very skewed in that it's empty in one way, but in another, i am very fortunate.

Ayuh. Birthday then Halloween then winter - just bought some nice winter boots in prep. Funny how they shipped from within the state


Wishing for more comfortable weather for us all

I'm a little bored today. We have no electricity for much of the day. Oddly, where we are (Czechia) the town/village has regular maintenance days every six months or so. I hope it will be done soon. It's 2:30 pm. We ate canned tomato soup and pitas for lunch. Hubby also ate a can of sardines. For breakfast, I toasted English muffins in a frying pan (we have a gas stovetop I lit manually) and ate it with P&J, a banana, and a yogurt and OJ we put in a cooler. I brewed coffee on a timer at 6 am, before the outage. Not sure what dinner will be, if it's still out. Maybe a pub in another town, or spaghetti with jarred sauce. I'd prefer the former.

I haven't heard from my sister. For now I'm glad.