Bipolar Check-In #76

I think this is the easiest time I've ever had dealing with fasting for something. No way am I hungry. This pain is the absolute worst right now though but I can't take any meds for it.

My scan was difficult just because I had to lie there for 1.5 hours in a lot of pain. I couldn't figure things out based on the screen. My flow whatever that was, was only halfway up. Something was at 87% other things were only halfway in and J have no idea. When I got done I immediatly took 2 of my moms asprins and I still don't feel good.

Everyone was really nice but healthcare workers being rude is not a problem I ever have really had.

I just want to puke or take more pain meds or something

I want to go to the ER right now. I'm not sure what else to do i can call my doctor I guess. I tried eating something and it made things worse.

I asked my mom to take me to canada because assited suicide is legal there.

I kinda want to adopt a big cat and name him Binky. My mom says nothing will make my pain better except actual medical help

But yeah I'm really about to head to the ER if my mom will take me. I'm not right at this moment.

you’ve a right to be angry. Just don’t let it destroy you. Keep talking with your t as how to best handle it. The spending, that’s tricky. Can you take your cards off Amazon so it not just a click away? Give your cards to your wife to hold?

As for the gun, I’m very glad you don’t have one.

Take care, stick to your AA groups. Don’t feel like you have to be the wise old timer. Let them support you right now.

I'm happy you don't own a gun then. Please don't. You'd be missed. Hugs.

I'm sad to hear you're still in so much pain. I'm happy assisted suicide isn't legal in your state. Please don't have thoughts like that. You would be missed.

My pain is mostly gone now. Yay! I still have bruises by my bellybutton that are tender, but I'm getting better each day. I can't wait until I'm well enough to start exercising again!

Now that I'm mostly healed up I've gotten back into my writing flow. The end of my novel is in sight!

It sucks you can't comfort yourself with a soda. I don't know what I would do without mine. You're doing great!

Sorry to hear you feel so lonely. Hugs.

Saw my t today and he was very validating and helpful.
I’m blessed. I’ve been seeing him since 2017. I go every two weeks or weekly if I need to. I’m
Jealous of his long hair!
It’s better then mine!

I read too late into the night and forgot to set my alarm. So I missed aqua fitness. But did make it to 500. Had a pleasant time. Sir was glad to have me home though.

I’m part of a study and today I had to fill out a long questionnaire. Lots of thinking questions. Made me very grateful for what I have.

Quiet day. My new healthy lifestyle continues to improve.

Buddha1too: You are in my thoughts.

Mountaindewed: I'm sorry to hear you are in so much pain. When do you get the results of your scan?

Hi everyone!

I'm beat. Returning to work today, even though it was a lower key day, has me pretty tired. I think the heat has something to do with it, especially since I think my body still isn't cooling down like it should thanks to my meds so that is wearing me down some too. The meds may be causing a little bit of light headedness too-not sure if this is the cause though.

I'm sorry I cannot type any specific replies today. Please know I'm thinking about all of you who shared you are struggling and celebrating the good news that has been shared as well!

So, my FTC complaint is out in the ether. They said they would get back with me if anything comes of it. Soooo, yeah.

Got my regular meds sent to Amazon. Prediction was on the money. $27 when everything got totaled and since some of my docs sent 90 day scrips, I get to pay a bit less next month! I'm happy with that news!

My work started rather stressfully with back to back to back tech issues and service calls. Good phone sales, but I worked non-stop from the beginning to the end of my shift. My feet are killing me!

With that, gonna pop some Aleve, fix a late dinner and settle in for the night!

Well, it's another night with little sleep, but I'm not going to complain about it today. I went to my AA homegroup last night and shared a bit about what was going on. Then, this morning, I have an appointment with my therapist. I have more gratitude today than I did yesterday. I have places to go for support...even when I feel utterly helpless and hopeless. While watching my sister waste away and die was painful, I'm grateful I was able to be present and supportive during her final month. Damn, I miss her, though. I wishI I believed in heaven; it must be nice to have faith we'll see loved ones again when we make our final exit.

@buddha1too.

My hida scan was normal. So I called my gynecolgists office and told them I wanted to go ahead with the botox intejections for the pelvic spasms. The doctor said those can cause pain and constipation and other stuff.

I saw my endocronologist. He freaked out at my sudden 30 pound weight gain. Hes putting me on meteformin and he gave me this at home test to see if I have a weight gain hormone imbalance and if I do he wants to do some tests. He really was quite alarmed though and spent the appointment on that.

Anyways today I'm just kinda down and tired and achy and not hungry. I've had some apple sauce and an almond milk pudding pouch and a Sargento Balanced Break but that was it. I slept a lot last night.

I had my last ketamine infusion. This one was intense, just like the last one,

I entered my altered state about 5 min after that infusion started. It was nice while I was there, I witnessed the colors and thoughts as they passed by. I kept telling myself that it was ok and that I'll come out of this better.

The infusion ended and I didn't have a hard time coming out of it. I was aware of what was going on around me pretty quickly after the infusion ended and they didn't ask me any questions like where I am, etc.

The dizziness hung around for a while so I had to wait before I could leave. The dizziness wore off about 50% and I was stable enough to stand and walk on my own, so they escorted me to my son's car.

Overall I think it was a good experience even though I don't see the dramatic effects that some people report.

Another patient there is in a similar situation to me: she didn't feel much of a lasting difference.

I think I'll try one of the private clinics here but see if I can go to a higher dose because I feel a small difference (anxiety is a little lower and depression is a small bit better) and maybe I just need to get to a higher target dose. I have a follow-up appointment in a week and I'll find out what they recommend then.

ESY is over! Boy what a rough last day. Lots of meltdowns and tricky behavior. But, it’s all over and I’m off until sept 1.

I’m in a negative mood today. I wouldn’t say depressed, I’m just struggling with my eating. I’ve done a lot of emotional eating this week and that’s the main habit I’m trying to break. Less bingeing, I’ve managed to stop myself from eating a whole package of chips or pint of ice cream. But still, I have to learn that food will not comfort me. I have done strength training videos on youtube twice this week. That’s a start.

I did find out that my claims for unclaimed money that I made back in June have been approved and I’ll be getting about $4500 for money that was owed to me and my first husband (I’m a widow for those who don’t know). That will be a big help. I’m planning on spreading $1000 out between my three credit cards and purchasing either a new couch or a treadmill. Not both as I want to put some of it into savings to tide us over while RS transitions jobs. Our couch is broken (not sure how) but still comfortable, so it’s not a necessity yet. A treadmill would be very nice, one of my main issues when it’s not nice outside is I don’t want to dress for the gym and go. That’s what trips me up in winter. It’s just complicated, the one room it would fit in does not have grounded outlets. That makes RS nervous. But I don’t think it would be a big deal if I only plug it in when using it. I’ll talk to him about it.

@buddha1too

I am thinking of you and sending good vibes your way. I hope you feel better and get some good sleep soon.

Sending good vibes to everyone else as well.

I've decided to get a kitten instead of a puppy. Which my mom gladly agreed to. She was not thrilled at all about the dog but we used to have a 3rd cat so we are used to it. She just said not another long haired one. And I need another male.

I'm just going to go to the animal shelter. They are overflowing with fluffy kittens. I really like the name Binky. But I also like the name Skittles. It also depends on the color/personailty/whats going on that day. Which is how my 2 cats got their name.

^^ yup and that's the beauty of operating impromptu.

Sometimes my lack of planning can come back to bite me but other times it's a beautiful thing.

I had a big disappointment today when the twice-monthly women's morning coffee break here in the building was cancelled. I was so looking forward to finally having some fun, after the days and days of chores i've had recently. One woman is particularly funny and adroit and i was really keen on seeing her. I was eager to have some pleasure after all my hard work lately.

So that was a big bummer, and guess what i wanted to do... Yes, stuff my face with pop and chips. I struggled mightily all day but with 38 minutes on the clock til the convenience store was to close i gave in. So that means i lost the battle two out of the last eleven days, an 82% win-rate. Still an improvement over every day, a zero percent win-rate, but i feel badly. It is harm reduction, tho. I had to settle for harm reduction with my benzo withdrawal, so maybe i will have to settle for my pop and chip habit too.

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Mountaindewed:

Glad you got some good sleep. A good night's sleep makes me feel so healthy! Hope you get a nice kitty! I named my dog based on her personality too. It's good you got the results from the HIDA scan. At least you have more information now, another piece of the puzzle.

WildFlowerChild25:

Happy your job is finished and you have some time to enjoy yourself. I meant to tell you that the skills you described a while ago, in calming an autistic child having a tantrum, really impressed me. I didn't realize there was a whole protocol to it. And congratulations on the windfall!

Scooter9:

Your ketamine treatments may not have made a big difference but at least there were no side-effects. You're very brave to try such a brand-new therapy. I'll stay tuned for your next steps.

Buddha1too:

So glad to hear that you're feeling gratitude! It's a wonderful feeling. I love to count my blessings! I lost my little sister too. It's just plain out of order for a younger sibling to die before you. I don't believe in Heaven, either, but like you, i wish i did.

Aurelius710:

It's so nice to hear you talk about your job! It's so rare that people actually like their job. You must be very clever to problem solve all the technical difficulties that come up!

June08:

Hope you got some good rest and are feeling rejuvenated. A full day's work is a tall order!

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Actually, i realized i was drinking an average of five pops a day so two pops over eleven days is a 96% win-rate!

@JaneOnceMore

You’ve done an EXCELLENT job with your eating habits and you should be super proud of yourself! I understand what you’re going through, I’m trying to change my bingeing habit as well, and I feel the same as you do because I’ve had a less than successful week. But today, I didn’t finish the whole pint of ice cream, just a third of it, and we must consider our small wins as wins nonetheless! Great job!

WildFlowerChild25:

Yes, thanks, and i know you are right. I think part of my problem is that i'm such a gosh darn black-and-white thinker. In the past it's always been 0% or 100%. I have to learn to live in the middle, see the shades of grey. A challenge!

Today was another full, but good, day. Although, now that I'm back to both work and grad school, I suppose every day will be a full day.

My body is starting to figure out its new sleep routine since my most recent med change. I had actually forgot this is what happened most of my childhood and young adult life, but my brain is back to going into turbo mode at night. Even as a little child, when it was time to go to bed, I would suddenly remembered everything I needed to say and wanted/needed to do. Growing up, I never slept through the night and it often took me a long time to fall asleep because so many thoughts were going through my mind at the same time. These are the patterns my brain has returned to in the last few days. All of the thoughts going through my head is interesting because, while they are racing thoughts in many ways, they aren't racing in the same way I usually connect with having hypomanic/manic symptoms. And, they only happen at night as I am getting ready to call it quits for the day. Even though my sleep was never ideal growing up, it is kind of nice to be feeling like I did before my bipolar symptoms appeared. The trick will be establishing a routine where I am getting enough sleep despite needing to balance teaching, grad school, dating someone, and all the other parts of life.

@Mountaindewed how exciting about the kitten!

@budda1too grief is so hard...we're here for you.

@wildflowerchild25. it sounds like we are in similar boats with our workout goals. I managed to squeeze in two 10 minute HITT workouts this week. enjoy your time off!

I think I finished the first draft of my novel. That came up fast! Now the editing and revising begins.

Congratulations!