Bipolar Check-In #76

how tall are you? what kind of diet is that? Are you counting calories?
what is your goal weight?
I am looking for a good diet to lose weight.
bizi

Its just counting calories and eating less calories then I've burned. Calories in vs calories out.

Thank you for the welcomes everyone!

Today was a good day. I spent most of it with my boyfriend of about 4.5 months. He has been very open about learning about how Bipolar disorder affects me, but has been asking a lot more questions in the last week or so. We are getting serious enough that it's time to start having some more intense conversations about this, and about what we want out out of a relationship in general. Him asking questions about my symptoms is good for me to because challenges me to be more in tune to what is going on and to reflect on patterns I have noticed. Also, when I was diagnosed back in September of 2021, I never had someone talk with me about key lifestyle changes to make or what things might look like long term. His questions are making me think more about these things and will provide a good starting point to ask my pdoc (different, and much better, than the one who diagnosed me) about these things. Even though I was diagnosed almost two years ago, I feel like I am just starting to get to a point where I want to do more to take control of the disorder instead of blaming it for so much and letting it have more control over me than it should.

Have a good day (or evening, or night depending on when you read this)!

I suggest a light Mediterranean diet, with plenty of low or no fat added fresh veggies and fruit (or frozen, if needed), whole grains/pulses, lean proteins, and only small amounts of full fat dairy (or preferably low fat). No refined foods or sugars. Low or no more than moderate salt. Portion control. Healthy oils or fats rather than butter/lard/margarine. Well-balanced. Good natural flavors so the food is delicious and satisfying. Mindful eating (slow eating, concentrating on textures, flavors, smells).

Yesterday, my sister and I agreed on the buyout amount of our parents' remaining property. Once some minor legal formalities are dealt with, my sister will fully own that land, which is adjacent to her property. Of course I'm glad we'll be able to move on from all of this, and yet I suddenly have a feeling of even deeper grief. Perhaps the severing of my link to the home of my youth, feels the end of an era. I also know I will rarely see that place again in my life. There have been so many "endings" these past years. I know there are also beginnings, yet I'm not fully comfortable with them.

A sweet thing about the property (our Dad's house and some of the land) that was recently sold off is that a young family bought it. The father is a Brazilian and the mother, believe it or not, is a Czech originally from Moravia. She even speaks Czech with the young kids. They live much of the year closer to the city (NYC) and bought my Dad's little house and 3 acres as a vacation home. Apparently they are in love with the environment. It is beautiful, especially all cleaned up of the mess my brother created. They put up a large hammock between two pin oak trees, where my Dad had had one many years ago. Sis said one of the boys took a nap in the gazebo. It's green and lush there, packed with a variety of New Jersey birds. Woods and fields all around. That does make me happy that they will enjoy it like my parents did. Apparently they already ripped out the old kitchen and will put in a brand new one. I told Sis to let them know that if they hang a hummingbird feeder by one of the huge dining room windows, that there will be many small visitors. Living in Czech Republic, to a Czech husband, I know that Czechs appreciate these things. Yes, how funny and maudlin. Me here and a Czech there.

I don't want to see my pdoc. Theres no need. I'll just spend 5 minutes telling him my mental health is fine, anxietys actually improved. But my phyiscal health is an issue but I'm taking care of it. Then he will keep all my meds the same and look concerned and it will take all of 5 minutes when I could be taking a nap.

Update: my pdoc appointnment was boring. I just told him my anxiety was better and we talked about the gallbladder stuff. He asked if I was having any trouble sleeping that wasn't related to the gallbladder stuff and I said no. So he just kept everything the same.

What I wouldn't do for an increase in pain meds though.

I don't get why Cardi B is in trouble for throwing the mic. It sounds like self defense to me. There could have been something toxic in that drink that was thrown at her.

I have my third infusion of ketamine in the morning tomorrow. They're going to increase the dose because I've had little difference at the current dose.

I'm kind of nervous about the dose increase because it will be a 50% increase. I'm worried about how that might affect my anxiety during the treatment.

I haven't felt much of a difference so far with respect to my depression - is still unchanged.

We're getting a bunch of work done on our house. We redid the backyard and replaced the grass and we're doing some improvements inside.

It's expensive but it's about time we did it since we have been in the house for 20 years now. This is on top of all the other renovations we did last year (main bathroom, had gas line upgrade, gas stove,, etc ) and another bathroom about 5 years ago. It's nice to be able to enjoy the updates.

To add to all this expenditure, I need a new computer. It has to be a high end one because of the work I do on it. My current computer takes 20 min to do some things and the newer ones do it in 25 seconds!

Just finished my advanced directives. I take it in Friday to have it notarized and put in the hospital records. They asked what you’d like your final moments to be like and I included having a dog or cat with me. I also said I want pain meds even if they make it hard to communicate. I think there’s nothing sillier than worrying about addiction when someone is dying.

I had a Medicare annual wellness checkup today and she asked if I had an advanced directive on file. I said I always meant to but I’ve never gotten to it. So she made the appointment for Friday to get it done. That’s such a relief.

Soupe I’m glad that things are getting settled with your childhood home and it’s great that a family will truly love it. I will say that for myself after my Mom passed in 2004 once everything was sold I really went into a tail spin for 3-4 weeks. Take good care of yourself

Nammu I really need to get my paperwork in order. Thanks for sharing

Rainbow ?? How are you and Abby?

Sunflower. How are you? Did you get checked out since your fall ?

Moose ?? Hope your doing well !

Miguel’s Mom. How are you ?

Hugs to anyone I missed

~~~~~~~

Well Mammo is done ! I’m sure I’ll have to go back for diagnostic mammo and ultrasound as there is an area that we are watching closely.

I grabbed a pizza in town I legit just couldn’t figure anything for dinner and I flat refused to cook LOL ! So pizza will feed us for a couple days.

This pic of Gus and Sirius popped up in a Facebook memory.. love this of them.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Awww thanks for pics of the dogos! Aww dexter! I admit I’ve a special liking for him cause he’s old like my guy

It's the last day in July so the dangerous time for hypomania has passed without a peep! I was hypomanic for May, June, and July last year and the year before so i was really worried this year. But: nope, nothing, nada! Yay!

I ate three meals and no snacks both yesterday and today. I haven't eaten this healthy since my twenties! So much easier to make rational decisions about food now that i'm off the diet cola. I had no idea making that one change would help me overhaul my whole diet.

~Christina: Hope you enjoyed your za!

Scooter9: Hope your ketamine increase goes well tomorrow! I'll be looking for your report.

Soupe du jour: How beautifully you write of the family home of your youth! It sounds lovely. I can feel how happy you are it is going to a young family with Czech roots.

LadyShadow: Sorry to hear your living situation has blown-up. I hope you get your own place soon. I was scared to live alone after my divorce but happily discovered that i like it better than any other living arrangement.

Nammu: Congratulations on getting your advanced directive done but i personally hope you live forever!

June08: Glad you and your boyfriend are talking so frankly about your bipolar. My ex-husband never really believed i had bipolar. It was vexing.

Three more days of ESY! I had to put one of the students in a hold for a good 20 minutes today. He has had a massive meltdown at least once a day every day but today he got aggressive. Kicking us, throwing chairs, throwing toys. Can’t allow a student to hurt themselves or others so he had to be held. There is a specific program we use for physical restraints that ensures the student will not get injured even if they struggle against it. I’ve been trained in this program at every job I’ve had so I’m well versed in it. I never actually used it before I worked with the smaller kids because middle/high schoolers are generally my size or larger but the little ones I can hold on to pretty well. I hate doing it though, it upsets the student greatly, but like I said they can’t be allowed to hurt themselves or others. He was able to calm down after awhile. Thing is it’s hard to know what triggers him. It seems to come out of nowhere. Ideally he would have sensory breaks during the day to limit stimulation for a few minutes but that’s not possible in ESY. I hope he will get a more thorough individualized program during the regular school year.

I didn’t binge all week but I did not eat as much fresh food as I have been, more processed food and sweets. So my goal this week is to add more fresh fruit and vegetables and limit my processed food consumption. I’ve been ordering the hello fresh meal kits and I love them. I cook from scratch using fresh ingredients but everything is measured for me and all the meals are bagged together so everything is in one place. I’m easily distracted when I’m cooking so this is extremely helpful. I only order two a week because they are expensive but it’s less expensive than going out. I’m hoping to get my cooking practice in with these kits and maybe in the fall I can start to cook on my own again.

I’ve been successful with the seroquel reduction so far. I woke up so much easier today! And Saturday I woke up at 8:30am. Sunday I slept until 9:30 again but that’s because RS came back to bed so I assumed it wasn’t that late. He usually gets up at 5am and stays up but sometimes on the weekend he goes back to sleep after being up for awhile.

We took a beach trip on Sunday since the heat finally broke. It was GORGEOUS. We had to park a half mile from the beach but it was worth it. And we got to go to one of our favorite restaurants. There used to be one near us but that location closed so it’s only at the shore now.

Sending good vibes to everyone that needs them!

I'm counting down the days until I return to work (teachers report back this week). I don't feel ready to go back, especially since we have to hit the ground running. Because of my responsibilities at the beginning of the school year, I may not be able to get a solid routine down until November or December (later with the holidays?)...I'll do my best to get something established as soon as possible though.

I had counseling today. Last week and this week my counselor has challenged me in all the right ways. It's not always easy to hear/see the truth but it's time I accept the ways my childhood, and going back to the state I grew up in, trigger my Bipolar symptoms and work to find the courage to make any changes to these dynamics that I need to (even if that means not visiting my mom and/or limiting the amount of communication I have with her). My counselor and I think it would be a good idea for my boyfriend and I to attend a session together to talk about the messiness that comes with managing Bipolar symptoms/healing from trauma and what this might mean for our relationship if it gets more serious and leads to marriage. My boyfriend has kindly agreed to go since I think it would be helpful for both of us individually and the two of us as a couple. Hopefully, we'll be able to go within the next few weeks.

The switch to risperidone seems to be working well still! I'm having weirdly specific, and mostly significant, dreams on it but that's okay. I am loving how it's somewhat easier for me to get out of bed in the morning, and much easier to stay awake at night, now that I am no longer taking olanzapine.

@Scooter9 I hope your house remodel goes smoothly and quickly so. you are able to enjoy it all as soon as possible!

@JaneOnceMore I'm so happy for you that you made it through May, June, and July without any hypomania symptoms for the first time in a couple of years! How exciting!

JaneOnceMore - me as well. I was worried that I'd becone manic this summer, especially with all this work stress and beach days. I'm on 400mg lamictal, and it's been doing its job for the most part.. however the past couple springs and summers I've had to up it, 200 to 300 to 400. Thankful that I didn't break through again.


Hopefully I don't lazy around again this winter but at this point I'm sort of accepting it. I need to get a light box.. because it effects my girlfriend when I'm checked out of things I normally would help with.

My mood used to be seasonal like clockwork, as I get older it's becoming more unpredictable so maybe this winter will be okay.

@June08

I used to be a teacher as well, secondary English teacher. I had to give it up because it was too stressful for me but I’m still in education as an assistant in an autistic classroom. Good luck in the 23-24 school year! I know it’s hard to establish a routine with a new class. I don’t report back until sept 1 - exactly one month!

I’m glad your boyfriend is willing to go and learn about bipolar. My husband did the same for me when we were still dating and he has been a rock in the past few years. That your boyfriend is willing to learn is a great sign!

Well I had my third ketamine infusion this morning. The other patients were the same as before and they too had their doses increased.

The infusion was more intense. More colors and thoughts floating by. I had the sensation that I was both in and out of my body at the same time. There wasn't any anxiety as my body went numb and I was able to move if I put in the effort.

It took a while to come out of it at the end. They asked me where I was, the year, things like that. I had a little difficulty answering initially but it became easier as the ketamine wore off.

I have one more treatment left on Thursday.

I think I feel a touch more positive but I'm not sure just yet. I'll keep thinking positive thoughts.

Took Sir in for his one week check up and he’s doing much better. But they continued his antibiotics for another week. Just because his congestion was so bad and today he had nasal discharge again. Over all he’s doing better. That’s such a relief. He’s even eating more which is very good as he’s underweight now. He a skinny old man cat. He used to be a bit of a chunk, but not too bad. Then when he went blind he got very finicky and wouldn’t even eat science diet kittens food. I tried all the premium healthy brands and he turned up his nose. When I worked at the shelter kitten food was a real hit. But no my guy likes fancy feast! Eh! They put rice in it! For cats! But he’s 19 he’ll get what he wants.

I have my scan tommorow at 8AM. I can't eat or drink anything after midnight. Even water. I get so frustrated if I wake up and I can't eat or drink anything. I'm hoping to wake up at 10 to eat something. That hasn't always worked in the past. The worst was when I woke up one time at 12:30 when I couldn't eat anything after midnight. I realized I had set my alarm wrong.

Today has just been mediocre. I went to Sams Club this morning. My pain was rough until I took 2 Advil. I've been avoiding lying on my right side. I got my laundry baskets cleared out finally. I still have laundry to do though.

I hope nobody trys anything funny tonight. Or these next few days.

I don't know what that NYC car crash was all about that just happened. Of course this is my very busy week.

My mom and sister told me not to get a buzzcut. They said I would look like a neo nazi or a white supremacist.

I'm not hungry and this happens almost every time I have to fast for something. Then I'll wake up super frustrated at 1. But I don't really feel good right now because I was dumb and lying on my right side for 10 minutes.

Feeling down. I was so excited last night because at the mall i ran into a guy from my mental health drop-in who is new and we had a nice chat. He's pleasant and nice-looking and he smiles -- so unusual for a man. But i've crashed from the excitement and realize i may never see him again. I still get excited about romance, beyond all reason, even when my divorce nearly killed me. Oh, well, it's not like he asked for my number or anything. He's probably that friendly to everyone.

I guess i am just lonely. And i can't even comfort myself with a pop.

Congratulations on your progress on the soda front! That really is an accomplishment!

I took my stomach meds and then a couple hours later a valium in case it was anxiety and I ate a small bag of plain chips. And I'm getting no relief from this pain. Idk. Its weird.

I've only been sleeping about 3-4 hours a night, spending money I don't have (damn Amazon), I am edgy & angry, and have been making impulsive decisions. I'm not, however, feeling especially speedy. Maybe it's just me...

As far as life issues go, the 6 month anniversary of my sister's death is a week away. She died from peritoneal cancer...which was level 4 when she was diagnosed. Due to chemo, she was able to last a year. Being on disability gave me the luxury of spending the last 4 weeks of her life with her. It was an extremely ugly way to go, but she never once complained. She had guts.

I don't know if this environmental factor can explain my other behaviors, but I can't afford to go on like this much longer...literally can't afford it. I've put myself in financial jeopardy, have made risky life choices, and have put my relationship in a bad spot because of my anger. I'm not angry at anyone specifically...I'm just angry that she's gone. She was my little sister, and my only sibling.

I have an appointment with my psych NP this morning, and an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I've got to figure out a way to get through this. I've only been seeing my therapist about 5 times a year in the not too distant past, but have seen her weekly for the past month. That's another cost that can't be covered due to my irresponsible spending. I know no one can fix it, but keep a brother in your thoughts...

To be honest, it's a damn good thing I don't own a gun...I'd blow my fking brains out...

Will do, throughout it all, highs and lows

Please stay safe, my friend! I'm sure your little sister would want you to be safe.

A couple or few weeks back you were in a better place, as I recall. Now, obviously not. For sure, the grieving process has many stages, with some backwards steps to them. Plus, having a mood disorder doesn't help. My point is that with time and support things will work out and improve. Depression is a tricky beast that convinces us otherwise. Despite your challenges, you will/can survive as long as you don't let that beast get you.

I clearly know the sadness of loss, too. I do have a sister (older), but no longer my brother and parents, grandparents, and most of my blood uncles. I do have my dear hubby, who is my best friend. I always say that I'd live with him in a trash can, if I had to. And if someday he passes, I will be devastated, but I can/would find a new place for myself. I've even planned that out a bit. A horrible task, but one my CBT therapy taught me to do.

You offer a lot to people and this world. If you don't know that, I'm telling you. Be good to yourself. You deserve it.

I don't know how much your therapy costs, or what you can afford, but if it comes to it, you may want to look at online therapy, as a last resort. I'm currently using BetterHelp. Not because of the cost (therapy is free or very low cost in Czech Republic), but because I now live far from any English-speaking one. I pay 32 Euros (US$35) per week for the online option, which is a combo of a promotional rate and rate for being on disability. Yes, they give a disability rate. I think the usual is 40 Euros. This is less than my IN-network co-pay was (with Aetna insurance) in the US, which was $40 over 2 1/2 years ago, and probably more for people now. An added benefit is that in addition to once per week video or phone appointments, you can exchange texts daily (or as desired). Perhaps not of interest, but I thought I'd share.