Bipolar Check-In #77

I'm so sorry @Blue_Bird for the loss of your sweet kitty. It is good that you were with her until the end.

Death is as much a part of life as being born.

Finally home and have to do group notes then gonna chill. Ate an egg and feel
Full.

Oh, I’m so sorry about Maybelle.

Finally some good news!!!

That’s tough to navigate but it sounds like you’re really putting a lot of thought into it. Maybe he’ll realize it’s a two way street.

I’m feeling everyone of my years! No sleep then we left at 9am and didn’t get back until 7pm. Soo much walking. I’m thinking I’ll definitely sleep tonight.

Pdoc has increased my Abilify and now has me on 2 antidepressants - Cymbalta and Brintellix. May this finally work please 🙏

I think you meant, you are feeling "every one" of your years. I had this picture of you getting fresh with a lot of your age group! Naughty Nammu! Good one! This was an interesting phrasing id never seen before.

lol, I never noticed. Just waiting for the local news then I’m heading to bed. Have to wait to feed my cat his last meal before bed. Was bad enough he missed his 5 o’clock dinner, can’t deprive him of supper being on time. He’s skinny enough as it is. Been though every test and there’s nothing wrong with him, just got skinny when he got old. ( must be a nice problem to have)

I wanna see my psyd but I also don’t. I don’t wanna admit what’s happening as I’m
Hiding it really well right now. One week left of school. Four assignments omg

@Blue_Bird:

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss of Maybelle. I'm glad you were with her to comfort her to the end.

I feel a ton better today because I got my *** out of bed at 6AM and took a shower for the second day in the row and then went to 3 grocery stores and did a months worth of healthy grocery shopping and then I worked my butt off in PT. It was hard to do everything but me and my regular therapist are working on intuitive showering and just pushing myself to get out more and its working.

Pain wise stopping the metfotmin still seems to be helping. Eating less and eating vegetarian stuff is still working out too. But my mom wants to send my xrays out to a different hospital so they can give us a second opinion on why my right side intestines look so effed up.

But my PT cured my constipation and I haven't needed any constipation meds in a long time.

That is great news! about the PT and the metformin. I often think i am depressed, when actually i just havent pooped. I am happiest when i get up and "go", before breakfast or coffee or anything. Salad!

I really hope I sleep tonight. If it's another night of playing a keyboard on a low volume and playing an an plunged guitar for hours while going outside to be inspired by the skies and the sounds and the feelings to write some poetry while listening to some of the bigger animals trollop through the snow and maybe hear an owl hoot or a coyote howl, it's going to be, yet again, another long bittersweet night.

S just called me "the most controlling emotionally manipulative fitch he's ever met." Must've not have met a lot of women. Poor boy. Probably gay. I'll support him if he decides to come out. Maybe then he'll stop being a totally cntface.
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Ugh. Why is it always so hard for me to get my fat *** in the shower!!!

Probably a bit TMI, but this was my issue this afternoon. My nausea was suddenly off the charts. Once I went though my stomach calmed down and I am overall much more relaxed.

Oh boy I’m glad it’s the weekend. I had zero patience for one of the students today. He’s nonverbal so he communicates through noises, which is fine but he has learned that if he screams at the top of his lungs he gets whatever he wants (at home). So when he doesn’t get what he wants at school, or has to do anything he doesn’t want to do, he just screams. And he can go on and on. He’ll only stop if you pay zero attention to him, like don’t even look at him while he’s screaming. It’s wearing. Some days it’s minimal but today he was just screaming all day. Some of it was understandable (out of routine) but sometimes I just can’t deal with it. Luckily my teacher is understanding and I’ll just excuse myself to use the staff bathroom at the opposite end of the school. Take a walk, sit in silence for a minute or two, then head back refreshed and ready for the screams.

I’m thinking of getting the noise cancelling earbuds, the ones where you can still hear what’s happening around you but it’s dulled a bit. There’s another girl in the class that also screams a lot but hers is almost like a tic, she just screams repeats of what she hears at home (quite colorful language at times, actually). And another girl throws tantrums too, hers can last a good while. It might be nice just to dull the noise a little bit. Maybe I won’t be so overwhelmed on days when I'm already struggling emotionally.

I have an ECT treatment scheduled for next Friday. I’m on a three week schedule now for the winter. I’ll have to be sure to collect notes so I won’t get in trouble at the end of the year. Though I had notes for almost all my absences last year as they were all mental health and thus medical related and I still got talked to about my attendance. I’m worried about getting fired. I wish you could get tenure as an assistant but you can’t. And it doesn’t matter, I’d still worry.

I thought I was going to have to wait another week to get my labs my family medicine dr ordered that I had drawn on the 22nd but my pdoc was able to access them. This was a big deal lab because last time I was pre-diabetic and if I had another reading in that range I was going to be diagnosed diabetic. I have lost nearly 25 lbs since June and that seems to have worked. My A1C is in the normal range again! I don't know my fasting sugar, I didn't remember to ask that, but I should be safe from diabetes treatment for now.

I also found out my clozaril level being so high didn't do anything bad. Kidneys, liver, etc are all fine. Now we just need that level to come down another 100 units and I'll be back where that should be. She's being very cautious with taking away the med though at this time because the last 2 years I've had severe depressions starting in January and I don't need to lose meds at this time. But we'll figure it out. I think she'd even let me stay around this level with monitoring until spring or we have any existing depression treated thoroughly.

And that should be the end of medical issues for me for a while (unless my family doctor has another concern next week. In my view he needs to just tell me good job on the weight loss, labs are good, nothing scary now, go home and congratulations. But that may be wishful thinking.)

I feel like I'm slowly slipping into madness. I've been having auditory as well as visual and tactile hallucinations and paranoia. Right now it feels like it is watching me, hovered over me, running its cold fingers down my spine. My sleep has been shyt. I have no problems falling asleep, but can never stay asleep for longer than three to four hours. I took a melatonin tonight, so hopefully that helps me sleep.

I don't know. I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm not depressed. I'm not hypo/manic. I'm just... I don't know. It's watching me.

I feel like giving up

I found out today if I make less than a b in my classes I can’t start my practicum in January. I feel like Judy giving up. I can’t seem to get ahead no matter what I do!! Why do o I bother?

I’m getting scared

Is there any way you can explain to disability services what's going on and maybe you can get an extension or some extra leeway?

I went to the gym yesterday and now I'm sore.

I had to take a Klonopin last night and this morning because my anxiety is really high.

Still feeling low and I'm reading up on ECT as a possible next step.

@Scooter9 ECT literally saved my life. I know a lot of people are against it but it’s fine, they put you to sleep so you don’t feel anything. I get toradol beforehand for pain because without it I have an awful headache which is a downer but with it no headache. I will say my memory is trash and I’ve forgotten a lot of life events. There’s some things I don’t remember happening at all, my husband has to tell me. So that’s a definite negative. But I also get bilateral treatments which is the strongest form and also the most damaging to memory. Most people can get away with unilateral.

If you want any info from personal experience just PM me.