Bipolar Check-In #77

Partial hospitalization program

When i have a really bad cold, i start singing "michael row the boat ashore." but im alone in the house, so hopefully i dont scare the neighbors. Its definitely an altered state of mind. you cant think of anything else.

Saw a weird flashing black box of lines

Man o man my poor cat. I woke up way late I didn’t fall asleep until 4am and disturbed his schedule. he is making the loudest weird vocalizing. Sounds like where am I? I had to practically stick his breakfast in his face. Now that he’s on my lap he’s better but he’s so old he needs his schedule.

I was dreaming I was at some hoity Tori party ordering haute couture dress. I was pinned into brown paper pattern and waiting my turn. It was 3-4 in the morning in my dream and everyone was tired. We had to move and moved to a where house at a dusty fair grounds. My dress was to be shiny pink! ( I don’t wear pink) they were telling me how good I looked in pink! I was thinking if I’m getting haute couture I want it in olive green but they talked me into the pink. I was standing with 4-5 other woman all pinned in the brown paper when a small dog began aggressively bitting this bigger pig on the neck. I walked over to do something but a man had picked up the pig dressed in in a red and white dress and his daughter was attending the bites. The dog was gone. Then I woke up. At 11am. Sooo late.

I feel down. No motivation. How long can I trick people?

Happy birthday Nammu! And many more! 😊

Part of me is just like get your *** out of bed, take, a shower, and go out to dinner. But then the other part knows I need help. Whatever that looks like. I did call back my pdocs office and set up an appointment for Monday. I got some vegetables today and a hot water bottle. I just don't know whats wrong. My surgeon is like theres something but whatever. My pdoc wants me in PHP. My therapist agrees with everything I say and doesn't push me at all. I don't know what to do.

EKG came back abnormal again. I don't know what to do it hasn't been looked at yet. I know it's my fault for having an eating disorder for so long but now I'm screwed as far as medication goes.

Meltdown

Meltdown

Meltdown

Not at work

See my pdoc tomorrow. Trying to get an appointment with my t

I had my appointment with the psychiatrist who manages the ketamine infusions, and he confirmed that ketamine isn't for me. I was not surprised to hear that since I didn't feel any different at all.

He did say that ECT and rTMS are options.

Just got an urgent appointment with my t via FaceTime tonight at 6:30

Broke down crying last night. I just wanna be done with school. Managed to turn in my huge paper. Not feeling good about it at all. Just praying I pass with the c I already have! Been seeing some stuff. Wish I saw my t sooner than next Wednesday.

One week left til semester ends. I’m sick of it.

I have everyone fiooled except me. I know how I’m really doing.

Keep in touch with us so we know how you're doing ok Hallie? You shouldn't have to go through this alone.

Ugh 😩 couldn’t sleep at all, gave up just now. Too hot. It’s in the 20’sF outside and 71 inside. I opened the windows but it’s damp and humid. I’ve been invited to go to Rochester shopping. I’m done with my shopping but it’s fun to go shopping with fun people. I just don’t know how much fun I can have on no sleep. My mind is energized when I don’t sleep but my body can no longer handle going without sleep. So I don’t know.

Feeling frustrated and wanna be alone

I’m
So
Ready to just go
Home. First I
Gotta facilitate a group!

The appointment with the nurse from my insurance company went well. I hadn't taken a shower in 2 days or brushed my teeth, but I didn't care because I felt like crap. So I went in the living room with no hat or shoes on not caring what I looked like. We went through some basic health questions then she looked at my meds and commented how rare it is to be on prescribed valium these days. She asked if I took anything else. I said oh "yeah theres the injections I take." Which I keep in a cupboard. She got all confused and said "why do you take T are your levels low?" And I said "um, no. I'm transgender." And she just said "oh ok." Without missing a beat and we went on. It was a fairly easy $100 Walmart gift card.

Today for once I feel good. I didn't take my metformin and the nurse said my stomach issues could be caused by that. She described it as a "weed wracker on your stomach." Idk. I just know today was a good day.

I have PT in the morning and I think shes going to be pretty tough on me. I just can't do the stomach breathing. My chest is numb from my surgery 3 years ago so its pretty much impossible for me to "feel" how I'm breathing. Shes nice, but you know, shes a regular physical therapist and they are hard are on their patients.

I am down 5 pounds just from eating less. I should lose about 48 more pounds to get to a normal BMI. My mom thinks its a lot and said to me "you don't want to look like Elliot whatshisname."

I took today off work, because I have a sore throat and cough, I didn't want to take today off because I took a day off last week but it is painful to swallow and I didn't think I'd be able to stand at a register for hours talking to customers. So I'm worried/hoping I don't get in trouble for missing too many days. Also, my cat Maybelle passed away late this afternoon. I'm devastated but glad that I was with her until her last breath. I already miss her so much and it's only been a couple hours. She was old, almost 15 years old. I hope she knows how much I love her. My sister picked her up to bring her to be cremated. Idk how today could possibly get any worse than it already has been.

I'm so sorry Blue Bird. Losing a pet is so hard. I'm glad she had you to love her.

I'm so sorry to hear about Maybelle. I know she knows how much you love her just based off of how much you show her off here! Take it easy, my friend
Hope you feel better

@Blue_Bird

I am so sorry for the loss of your kitty. Losing a pet is hard. I’m glad you were able to be with her, I’m sure she appreciated the comfort.

I saw my breast doctor today. This was a new one for me and I really, really liked her. I've liked the other 2 I've seen but this one is my favorite and I'll be trying hard to stay with her. She listened and took extra time to find images of a cyst I was concerned about. It's huge and I know if I find it somehow it will scare me. But she couldn't find it so I probably won't either, especially since she was operating from scan pictures. She did show me how huge it is (it's 1.25 inches across) but the MRIs will keep an eye on that. And I don't have to have an MRI for a year! Finally some positive progress.

I did clear up one misconception that I had; I knew I was at high risk because certain cells in my breast are rogue. I thought that meant I was at risk for cancer in those cells but now I know I'm at risk for other cancers too. Trying not to think about that too much.

She even guessed that I was a healthcare professional because of how I was telling her things. I always appreciate when people know that and remember it; she documented it. It turns out her husband is a PT with the company I worked for before I went on disability.


I'm so glad to have good doctors. I think they really heavily screen the providers who work in the breast center. I have yet to see anyone even look tired. They are so kind and patient and I've never been uncomfortable despite being half-naked.


So now I'm home. Tomorrow I have to get up early for me to return my rental car. I had planned to go later but my pdoc called today and asked to move my appointment from next week to tomorrow. So I have to get the car taken care of earlier. I wish I could say no but my pdoc never asks for changes.

I was thinking of saying something to my brother about how he never sees us but I’m still not sure. I think I might just text him something to let him know I love him but I’m not going to communicate with him anymore. Not harsh like that but just to let him know why he’s not going to be hearing from me anymore. I’m going to emphasize that I’m always here for him and if he ever wants to talk or get together I’ll be there but I’m going to leave the ball in his court. That way I’m protecting myself from any further hurt but he doesn’t think I just abandoned him. I know him and I know he’s never say anything to me, just his wife and my SIL has a way of twisting things to be our family’s fault. She’s very nice and I love her but I know she would place all the blame on me if he ever even noticed. Which I’m not sure he would. It would just be to cover me so he couldn’t come at me with “you never try to contact me either” which is one of the main issues in my WHOLE family. Everyone thinks everyone else should be the one to reach out. That’s why my cousin refused to come to my wedding and sent me a long nasty note with his RSVP. That’s why my mom and brother are in a stalemate (among other things) and haven’t spoken in over a year.

I don’t know. I really don’t want to upset him, he’s so fragile, but I’ve lived my whole life tiptoeing around so I don’t upset other fragile people. Made me swallow my emotions for years and really contributed to my difficulties in life. And I know he does have my SIL so he at least has someone to lean on. I really don’t know.

Other than that I’ve had a good week, work has been good, I’ve coasted through all the typical behaviors of the students without being overwhelmed. Only one more day left until the weekend!

Blue_Bird I'm sorry. Be easy on yourself and rest.

BeyondtheRainbow I'm glad you don't have an MRI until next year and that the provider is nice. I hope you are able to keep her for a long time.