Bipolar Check-In #77

I have taken good care of myself after the refereed post.

I went out to have dinner and wine at a Chinese restaurant. After that I bought cakes, strawberries and cream to take home. It tasted wonderful!

After the cake and fruit I made hot cocoa with cream and spoiled myself as if I was a child.

May be we need to take really good care of ourselves more often, really spoil ourselves?

I am going to use Netflix for the rest of the evening. (By the way, both to take care of oneself and to distract onself from distressing thoughts are inside the CBT frame).

I threw up a cookie yesterday. Idk why. I was in the bathroom reaching for the stool my PT suggested when the cookie came up. Today same thing. I was reaching for the stool and a good amount of some white stuff that tasted real gross came up. This is the 3rd time this week I've thrown up. But my doctors are all like "you're ok." So idk. My therapist says something is up and they are dismissing me. I'm sleeping an awful lot with a low amount of melatonin and I'm still tired
Last night I was so fatigued and I slept so long I googled to see if my 2 new meds can cause fatigue. Its not a side effect though. I can drag myself to the stores in the morning if I need to and I went to therapy late yesterday afternoon. So I haven't been avoiding things. I've been getting out of the house more then I used to. Its just these weird puking and nausea and sleeping episodes I've been having this week.

Thanks for the new thread Fooze.

Going to try to hold myself accountable this weekend. The weather is finally getting nice where I am after a very long hot summer. I need to get outside and get some fresh air badly. I hope to report back good things!

Last night having dinner with all 3 of my kids was just magical. Didn’t get around to taking a photo of all 3 of them though. Bugger!

Got like 18 hours of sleep over the past 7 nights. Told this to the person I'm residing with atm when I woke him up at 3am doing dishes (oops) and he got a little concerned and told me to restart my meds. Idk I don't think it should take three antipsychotics two anticonvulsants two benzos an alpha blocker and an antidyskinetic to get more than 2 hours of sleep.

Woo hoo it’s Friday!

I am so tired. After telling my pdoc I wabs sleeping fine on my decreased clozapine dose I was up until 6:30 AM last night. I'm sure I'll sleep tonight but tonight can't come fast enough. I have no idea what went wrong. I checked both pill boxes and I took all my pills, I just simply couldn't sleep.

Oh well. It happens. If it happens again I don't have to lower my clozapine dose Monday as planned. I really just want to get that over with but if I'm not sleeping I won't.

I just hate that when that happens. I hope you sleep tonight.

Don't you hate it when you tell your pdoc one thing and as soon as you get home it's a totally different story?

Rest well

I'm having a better day today. I had a scrumptious pizza and am watching "Ozark" again. I'm having a nice time.

Nice to hear from you, MuddyBoots. But sorry to hear you are having such terrible trouble sleeping. I'm sending good vibes your way. I know you're under a lot of pressure. Hoping things settle down soon.

Sorry to hear you had trouble sleeping too, BeyondTheRainbow. Hopefully it was just a fluke and you'll get good sleep tonight. Sounds like you have a sound plan of action.

Glad you enjoyed dinner with your kids, Crazy Hitch. It's so nice to hear about parents taking pleasure in their kids.

Happy to hear you are still active, Mountaindewed, despite your troubles.

Hugs to all else who struggle!

Our 21 year old cat is in the process of dying. She hasn't eaten in three days and can barely walk because her arthritis is so bad. The cat is miserable and in pain. If she doesn't pass on her own this weekend, we're taking her to the vet on Monday. I'm so depressed 😔. She's the first cat my husband and I got together. It's the end of an era. At least she's lived a long, full life though.

I've been emotionally binge drinking coke zeros. I've had four.

I've never had to put an animal down before! Our last two cats have died at home, on their own. I'm not sure if I can do it! But I don't want her to suffer any longer than she has to. This is hard.

Ooo I’m so sorry. That’s hard.

My dad would have turned 62 today. He died two weeks shy of his 46th bday.

Another friend of mine confessed his love for me but said that I made it very clear that I only want to be friends. He described how he felt about me but said since I only wanted friendship that he’s moved on but he still is in love with me. Jeez! I guess I must not really want a boyfriend if I treat men this way.

Called case manager but she was out of the office. Didn’t think my hypomania warranted a call to the emergency line this weekend so whatever.

This is the first morning I have used the light lamp. I feel that I am on my way to have it better.

Bought Drambouie whiskey. Damn that stuff is strong! Couldn’t have more than half a shot glass.

Yesterday was more stressful than usual, in particular work. In addition to the normal stressors of phones and phone sales, I had two separate individuals get livid with me over the exact same thing. I was helping other customers with rather complex tech issues that required my full concentration. One guy decided he was going to get into my physical space to try and force me to pay attention to him. Turns out, he wasn't even after me. He was after a Wally World associate and decided I'd do, despite the fact I work for an outside company, have a completely different uniform and was right in the middle of a phone issue with a lot of moving pieces. I hadn't had a chance to say anything to set him off because I was too laser focused on my tech issue to notice. He carried on for a bit, I ignored him (Which probably didn't improve his mood, but if he was going to abusive, I could care less.) and eventually got out of my hair and presumably where he needed to be.

The other customer's reason for being mad was incomprehensible to me from a "basic facts about prepaid phones" standpoint. This gentleman wanted me to put time on his phone... and was livid when I wanted to use his phone to put time on. Now, I've been at it enough that I can explain phone concepts in plain language. I tried three times to explain it, but he just wasn't getting it, so he stormed off. I shrugged my shoulders and got back to my day.

I usually ruminate after a day like yesterday, dwelling on the embarrassment, anger and shame (real or perceived). Thinking on "What if?" and fearing consequences, even when consequences aren't warranted. I mean, why would I be punished?

I didn't ruminate last night and I'm beyond thrilled. I'm also shocked as this hasn't been my natural mental state in a LONG time. I don't know how else to put it other than I used to be in a perpetual fight or flight mode for a lot of my twenties. It's hard to divorce yourself from that mindset and I'm proud of myself for making progress in that regard!

That’s it, I’m not weighing myself anymore. I gained 2lb in the last week even though I ate healthy. I only exercised once which I plan to rectify next week. I’m sure it’s water weight but still, it’s depressing. And I was upset last week too when I weighed. I’m over it. I’m just going to continue on my health journey without worrying about the number on the scale. I’ve lost ten pounds, maybe I’ll never lose any more. I’m tired of feeling bad about myself because of a number.

For me, eating healthy and exercising is the most important thing. If I never lose weight, so be it. I’ll get healthier and stronger, that’s my only concern.

I have to motivate myself to exercise even after work. I definitely can’t go before work, I just can’t get up early. Never been able to. But maybe I should bring my gym clothes with me and just go straight after work. Don’t even go home and sit down. That might be the best option. I wish I could get a treadmill but we have nowhere to put it.

I am NOT going to be defeated by some stupid number.

Hugs to all who are struggling with sleep and other issues. I’m sending positive vibes out to all!

I don't know how you do it.. I think I know what you're talking about - I try to give such sales people as much grace as possible. Trying to look not impatient when waiting, allowing them to do whatever, making sure I visit when I have an open schedule.

At work the "what if" you mentioned about consequences and punishment, the way I see it is if it was meant to happen, it would have already, or in the near future, happen. I try using my best judgement before I do things. Also.. if you "own it" and explain your thought processes for why things happened, that goes a LONG way. I'd say, don't let other people make you think what is what. If you feel like you know, go with it, while also being mindful and not arrogant, etc, I'm sure you understand.

Ya, the 20s fight or flight.. I'd too, rather have experienced it sooner rather than later. These days I know it can be a mindset leveraged in bad times, which in a interesting way eases
my mind in the present to know I've got the tools to back myself up

You're handling the stress really well, Aurelius! A true inspiration

That's a really good mindset to have. In regards to weighing yourself, I used to weigh myself daily (sometimes several times a day) and I felt awful about it. During residential I never got weighed and I haven't weighed myself since getting out, but I know I feel a lot better/healthier and that's what counts.

That seems like a really good idea for you! In the book I am reading about neuro-science, the author looks at our differences and advice us to accept the ways we are "wired" and then chose the best way to do things from how we know ourselves the ways we usually function.

(By the way, I need to do my gymnastics in the morning right after breakfast. People say that I am clever who are able to such a "thing" so early in the morning. They don't understand that it is the only choice I have if I want it done; that I have made that decision because I know that it will never be done later in the day).

This lack of sleep is making me want to say "screw all the skills I've learned over the past two months" and go down to the city my dad lives in and do all the drugs to self-medicate. But I said I wouldn't let the "f**k it's" get to me, so I won't.

Another reason I need to be off benzos: I read they're positive reinforcers in alcoholics so the more often you take benzos the more you'll crave alcohol. So I pretty much said "screw it, I'm stopping the ativan cold turkey" and so far nothing bad has happened. I mean it's not like I can get much less sleep, and I'm still on the valium and two anticonvulsants so I think I'm safe from seizures.