Bipolar Check-In #77

My aunts husband will not make it. He will probably pass in a day or 2. I told my mom to go there by herself to be with my aunt. Buy my uncle who lives in Rhode Island is coming in on Friday and my aunt can only handle one sibling at a time. My uncle deals with estates and other legal things that my aunt will be facing.

So its been rough lately. I had a doctors appointment today. Just a follow up. He is starting to bug me because he only seems interested in talking to my mom despite me being the patient. He came in and asked where my mom was and if I was flying solo. I said she was on the phone with my aunt because we were dealing with a family emergency. Then he sat down and asked some questions then asked again if my mom wanted to join us. He just asked some vauge questions and told me to go to my kidney doctor for other stuff. On the way out he said "tell your mom I said hello."

Like wtf. Does he not have a suppportive mother or something? And yeah, I walked into the waiting room and my mom was off to the side on the phone. But I'm 30 and I can handle these appointments on my own.

Anyways I have a migraine and an upset stomach because I took a couple Dramamine last night which knocked me out for almost 12 hours straight. Then I was super groggy when I got up so I got a peppermint iced mocha and I knew it would upset my stomach but I just needed to be alert today. I closed the curtains so my head and stomach are starting to feel better.

But not the best day and these next couple weeks probably won't be too good either.

I don't feel well today. Partly depressed and partly struggling with pain in one of my knees. It is slippery outside, so all in all I think that I am afraid to go outside (afraid of breaking a leg).

I was sitting here holding breath and wanted to take a benzo. Then I reminded myself that a benzo was not a good solution. Instead I said STOP and focused on my breath and on comforting myself. I have now found out that I can go outside bringing stingers to use if I need them.

Oo @~Christina that’s so hard. I do understand about the no more therapist bit. After my last one I didn’t want to rehash things either.

So I had an adventure last night. I see my pdoc in the city, about 2.5 hours from here. I left her office about 6:45 and got to the place traffic gets more sparse (thank God). All of a sudden there was a deer in my lane, directly in front of me. I couldn't swerve (I think there was a car beside me in the left lane?) and thought clearly "I'm going to hit that deer". Which I did.

I'm fine. My airbags didn't go off so I didn't even have a bruise. My car is damaged but it could have been worse. I only hit with the right side of the fender and the very front part of the panel behind the fender is dented slightly. My headlight was shattered although somehow the light still works. The blinker is destroyed on one side. It could have been so much worse.

I feel so bad because I don't know if I killed it, injured it or if it somehow escaped ok. I thought it was laying on the edge of the road behind me but the police didn't seem to have seen it there so I don't know. I hope it's not wandering around hurt. I've never hit an animal before. I hope that never happens again.

So glad I live next to my mom because I'm going to have to borrow her car sometimes until this is repaired. I get nervous doing that because what if I hit another deer with her car? I know this is irrational; I've been driving for over 30 years and hit one deer; I'm unlikley to hit a 2nd this week. But I can't help it.

Poor, stupid deer.....

More pharmacy drama...

I'm due for refills Friday (I mean, that's the day I run out!) and I tried switching to CVS, but found out I can't because I'm on a commitment. My records were transferred, but CVS can't fill them, and now my current pharmacy can't fill them either because the records were transferred, so my meds are in limbo land right now. I also can't choose to get my meds in bottles and not bubble packs because of my commitment.

Such a hassle . I don't know what to do. I need my refills tomorrow because I'm out of seroquel (because my pdoc increased it).

I'm REALLY struggling at the moment with anxiety and loxapine withdrawal. And now I'm freaking out because I'm worried I won't be able to get my meds by Friday.

Stupid commitment. I can't choose to get my meds in bottles. I can't choose what pharmacy I want to go to.

I'm sure this will all work out before Friday. I just feel so defeated.

@~Christina



I am sorry, Christina! I would not have wanted to start all over again either. May be you can take care of all you have had together by writing down some of it?

If he does not recover, may be it will be wise to grieve for your loss. Normally the therapist takes care of the process of ending therapy, but if that cannot be done, perhaps you have to find a way to do that yourself. I send my best wishes for you in this process!

I don't know if you have been through CBT. I have and I find that approach very helpful. Feel free to PM me for a good and easy book to use for daily self help inside that approach.

If you have had another type of therapy, may be you could find a self help book from that therapeutic frame.

Oy this apartment is so hot. I’ve not turned on the heat yet. I had the windows closed all day yesterday it was 71 when I went to bed. I like 69 for sleeping. It was. Too hot and I couldn’t sleep. Finally I opened the window. It in the 30s out there but I was desperate. I did finally drift off. Theis morning I see the temperature went down to 69. Boy I hope it’s not like this all winter. Reminds me of this apartment I had when I was 19. An old house with radiators we couldn’t shut off. Even in the middle of a snow storm we had the windows open.

Oh christina I am so sorry. I know how much Richard has helped you in the last few years. I hope he is ok. I totally understand not wanting to start over with someone new. If and when I can no longer see my therapist I will not be starting over either. It’s too much to rehash. I hope you can grieve and find peace.

Wednesday at 3pm has been my appt with Richard weekly for 14 years

Had a pretty big anxiety attack today as I have had a ongoing Wednesday alarm set on my phone for years. It went off and boooom !

Like I know I’m going to be okay and can function in daily life with out seeing him of course. I do worry if I destabilize what will help ground me.

Hugs friends

I’ve been keeping busy on current Diamond art piece

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