Bipolar Check-In #77

Congratulations! That is so exciting!

I hope everyone has a had a good weekend so far. I was supposed to have my online appointment yesterday to get medication but she never showed up and still tried billing me so going to reschedule with someone new. I am ready to be over this back and forth cold I have had for the past month. My sister comes home for a week on Thursday and I am so excited to say the least. We have been talking on the phone almost every day and that has been really nice for the both of us and I love being such a big part of her life again especially since she is in a different state now. It's crazy to think that we are almost done with the year. It is just going by faster and faster but I feel like that is also a good thing that the days aren't dragging on.

Congratulations!!

Ugh I don’t really wanna be honest with my t Tuesday. He gies over board sometimes. I’m afraid he’ll take what’s going on and be dramatic.

Crazy Hitch congratulations 🎉

Next week we find out how many more months my husband will be gone. I'm thinking 2. Honestly I can't do this. Victoria has been sick with a stomach thing. Monday exterminators come in. Tuesday management and inspection comes in. Tuesday my meds get changed because of my heart. I can't win. We have no money for dirty clothes. I ordered my damn sandwich anyway because at this point **** it. I can't do this everyone says I can. No one sees me drowning. Worse is it already being set up as Victoria's fault. It's not her fault. I'm just not able to care for myself and surroundings. She should not have to be my caretaker. I hate this. My family is selfish for not helping my nephew and I wish there was something else we could do.

Our older dog Dexter isn’t doing well He’s only eating canned food now and not much. He’s very shaky up and down the stairs. We are taking it day to day. I do think the hard decision is coming very soon.

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It’s not fair I can’t be honest with my t. He I’m always overreactsand suggests ip if I’m not doing well. So maybe I should just cancel out appt since I can’t dben****ing ask for advice on how to get through this. Why do I even bother going to therapy’? Should I even bother go seeing Pdoc? Who knows what he will say.

Wtf should I even bother?! Stupid satan

Im so ****ing annoyed I wanna rip off my scabs from surgery but fighting not to uhh

I feel very low energy. Idk what it’s from. Could be a combination of things. My cat dying Thursday made me depressed. Quitting my job the other day a hard decision and I feel guilty about it even though it was severely stressing me out and was a nightmare and my therapist agreed that I needed to get out of there. I still can’t help feeling guilty and also like a failure at the same time. Plus on top of it all I have some kind of sinus infection the past week. I tested negative for Covid. In general the past week has been a nightmare. I’m just trying to get the energy to get off the couch and I’ve barely done anything the past several days. I haven’t even done my hobbies. I haven’t practiced violin or ukulele, haven’t painted. I have all this free time now and I can’t get myself to do anything.

Been MIA since Thursday….

Saw Pdoc Friday morning. She took me off Trazodone . I told her about staying up all night and not being able to sleep and she prescribed Lunesta. What a controversy! Turns out it has the same dangerous side effects as Ambien but for some reason my Pdoc made it seem safer?? I was having sleepless nights fairly often but lately I’m sleeping ok. Maybe it’s partly to do with my new cpap helping me sleep better? I’m most worried about sleep driving on Lunesta! That scares the **** out of me. So does sleep eating! Will I turn on the stove and burn the apartment down? I’m supposed to pick up the Lunesta from the pharmacy tomorrow. I also read that you can hallucinate on it but that’s only if you take it and then don’t sleep or don’t sleep 8 hours.

N3 got 100% on his physics paper! I talked with a friend of mine who teaches engineering at the university that N3 wants to eventually transfer to for Engineering and he said he’ll help N3 any way he can! The semester has 3 weeks left and N3 is getting all A’s at the moment!

I’m depressed but NOT suicidal. I’m seeing things but not in any danger at all. Just wanting to give up on everything and hide. I’m seeing things and feeling weird sensations in my skin.

My t can’t involuntarily ip me can he? I’m in no danger

I took my 80mil Geodon and some night time cough syrup for this obnoxious cough and I feel high as a kite right now. I want that puppy chow chex mix peanut butter chocolate **** and Naf Nafs right now even though I'm not hungry

This vegetarian diet has really lowered my appetite. I ate water chestnuts and celery sticks for dinner.

I'm trying to decide If I should order something or not. Trans guys would understand what I mean. Idk though its only $22. But I'm not sure I could use it right

If you're not a danger to yourself or anyone else they won't place you IP involuntarily (unless you have a CD and you're unwell because you violated that by not taking your meds or skipping appointments or something)

I'm quite proud of myself! I cooked a meal (A to Z, all fresh ingredients) for myself for the first time in ages.

Fish with salt, pepper and paprika rubbed in, mashed potatoes with butter and sour cream and roasted broccoli seasoned with salt and pepper!

I'm all for this more productive, even-keeled me!

Went ok with T today. He thinks school stress and the surgery/anesthesia is why i depressed. along with beingoff my lybalvi. i see pdoc at 4:20 today so we will see what he says. i to really close to self harming but didnt tell T that.

Exhausted from a third night in a row with my husband's delusions and paranoia. He accuses me of things that he is hearing in his head, and I am so overwhelmed. Really don't know what to do or where to turn to, but I am so exhausted.

omg. i got a 92% on my final theory key assignment paper!!!!!! im officially up to a B in the class now!!

I went to the gym and I was so tired! I slept 11 hours but each exercise made me even more tired.

I'm really having a hard time with coordination. The anxiety doesn't help with that either. I get so stressed out that I'm sweating from doing seemingly easy exercises that need coordination of hands and feet.

Still feeling pretty low, too.

I upgraded my phone and got a new plan that is half of what I was paying, but with more data and unlimited calling, so that's a win. I went with a Pixel phone again since I like the features and platform (I've had a Pixel phone for years). Still moving into the new phone but most of my stuff transferred over ok.

Good for you @HALLIEBETH87! Sticking with it is paying off for you!

Ooff I’m so tired but got going. Had 4 things on my to do list. Did all of them but they’re not all completed cause people weren’t in. You would think people work 9-5 but it seems they don’t any more. Oh well I did what I could.

I’ve my Christmas plans all worked out depending on the weather. If it cooperates I’m going to my daughter’s Christmas Eve for crab legs and opening gifts. Then Christmas Day I’m going to her m-I-l s house for dinner. Anybody know what kind of wine goes with crab legs? This being Minnesota it all depends on the weather though. As they live a ways a way and I no longer drive in bad weather.

Well i waited to see my pdoc for 1 .5 hours as he apparently is now only wokring there part time. He is booked til next august. he put me back up on 15mg lyblavi and added 5mg trintellix to it for depresssion. told me to hang in there and i can go up on trintellix in a week if i need to and just to let him know what i do.

i really hope he doesnt leave. i really like him and ive oly been seeing him a year. he said we really need to work on my OCD.

Noice!!!!!!!!

I slept badly last night. I don't know why. I ended up taking 2 naps today. I ordered some Legos on Amazon for my nephews for Christmas. So the kids are set. I job searched tonight but everything is still seasonal. I feel fine I'm just probably not eating something. Lacking a vitamin or some ****. I need to drink a glass of milk with vitamin D.

i felt better for like 5 whole minutes. i have an 84 in both my classes which in grad school is a damn C. I need ONE POINT for both classes so heres to hoping my last assignments will be enough to get it. ugh. this sucks. i go tomorrow to pick up trintellix samples my pdoc wants me to take.

One of my bills bounced! The bank paid it. My mom loaned me the money so my account wouldn’t be overdrawn and come to find out I was four cents off! So until N3 can pay me the money he owes me I’m going to be short four cents in my bank account!

Tonight is my first night on lunesta. In 15 minutes I take my first dose! Send positive thoughts that it works and that I don’t have any crazy side effects!