[raspberrytorte]

So I've been thinking 🤔...

And can't sleep again despite being sick.

Why do I abuse my meds (well... med. Whatever.)

Do you abuse your meds? Do you know why? Does it change depending on whether or not you're in an episode?

When I was in my twenties I abused alcohol to escape my anxiety.

My therapist told me it's because I don't want to sit with my emotions, but WHY? I don't think my emotions would be that bad to sit with right now. Maybe this whole med abuse situation is a form of self harm?

Hmm.

If you abuse your med(s), do you know why?

[Mountaindewed]

I've been told by a therapist before that I "manipulate" my meds. But not that I abuse them.

My pdoc and I have a pretty good understanding of my meds though. He knows I won't be on anything that causes weight gain and he respects that

[raspberrytorte]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I've been told by a therapist before that I "manipulate" my meds. But not that I abuse them.

My pdoc and I have a pretty good understanding of my meds though. He knows I won't be on anything that causes weight gain and he respects that

It's good your pdoc won't put you on anything that causes weight gain. I feel like like almost EVERY AP causes weight gain!

I like the term "manipulate". I definitely do that. These past three (four now?) weeks are the first I've stayed on the same meds in a long time, without changing something on my own, which is usually going off something.

Example: I went off prazosin and trazodone on my own because I felt both were useless. I reduced my loxapine dose on my own because I couldn't tolerate the high dose of it I was on and didn't feel my pdoc was taking me seriously. He wasn't very happy with me for reducing my loxapine dose. He got pissed. I'd like to go off loxapine completely, but I don't think he'd be very receptive to that idea.

I'm on too many ****ing meds. I'm a walking pharmacy. I don't need to be on all these meds.

This is what I want to be on:

Gabapentin
Diazepam
Cymbalta
Seroquel

(And topamax and metformin for weight control purposes)

I don't NEED to be on Lamictal or loxapine! I'm not even sure if I need to be on Cymbalta. And diazepam freaks me out, but when I asked him to take me off that he said no, and I'm too scared to do it on my own.

I told him I abuse seroquel, but it didn't even seem to phase him! I just called asking for more and he wrote me a prescription for more of it.

I NEED an AP or I will go crazed 🤪. And right now I feel stuck on seroquel (my drug of choice) and loxapine (which I can only take in so low of a dose I don't even know if it's doing anything!).

I am unhappy.

[Tart Cherry Jam]

I do not abuse meds. I do not understand how a med can give you a feeling that would lead to abuse because I personally have never experienced it. But I know that I am unusual: for instance, I can stop any med cold turkey and have done it many times, including with benzos, and I do not experience any withdrawal. Withdrawal, like abuse, is something I read about a lot but cannot understand because I have never personally experienced it.

When i need to up, reduce, stop, or change a med, I just tell my psychiatrist and he respects that. The only time he advised me to be careful was when I stopped Gabapentin cold turkey. I do not remember why I did that. I probably believed that it was contributing to weight gain. So he told me that sudden cessation of Gabapentin can lead to a seizure and that I need to be careful. I am back on Gabapentin and for now I plan to stay on it for life, both because it ameliorates AP-caused EPS and because I was told by the a hospital doctor almost 6 years ago that Gabapentin improves sleep architecture.

[raspberrytorte]

Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam

I do not abuse meds. I do not understand how a med can give you a feeling that would lead to abuse because I personally have never experienced it. But I know that I am unusual: for instance, I can stop any med cold turkey and have done it many times, including with benzos, and I do not experience any withdrawal. Withdrawal, like abuse, is something I read about a lot but cannot understand because I have never personally experienced it.

When i need to up, reduce, stop, or change a med, I just tell my psychiatrist and he respects that. The only time he advised me to be careful was when I stopped Gabapentin cold turkey. I do not remember why I did that. I probably believed that it was contributing to weight gain. So he told me that sudden cessation of Gabapentin can lead to a seizure and that I need to be careful. I am back on Gabapentin and for now I plan to stay on it for life, both because it ameliorates AP-caused EPS and because I was told by the a hospital doctor almost 6 years ago that Gabapentin improves sleep architecture.

You're lucky you can stop any med cold turkey, including benzos (!) and not have any withdrawal. I've only been able to stop wellbutrin cold turkey and experience zero withdrawal. Everything else has always been just awful, cold turkey or not!

[Crazy Hitch]

I don’t abuse meds but it’s hard to get Valium here. GPS don’t like prescribing it. I’m seeing one today and I’m hoping they give it to me. Wish me luck.

[Nammu]

I don’t abuse or manipulate my meds. I don’t have a clue why anyone would. Not wanting to sit with emotions makes since to me. But the whole thing is beyond my comprehension. I’ve stopped meds, many I time but never took more. I guess it’s because I’m afraid to take more. I stopped meds including benzodiazepines because I thought they were doing more harm than good. But that was just my perception. I think everyone’s perception is different, not good or bad just different. I

I feel like you feel judged for that raspberry, I’m sorry for that. Nobody should be judging you for trying to find stability

[raspberrytorte]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

I don’t abuse meds but it’s hard to get Valium here. GPS don’t like prescribing it. I’m seeing one today and I’m hoping they give it to me. Wish me luck.

I don't abuse my diazepam aka Valium. I take 30mg split into three doses per day, scheduled (not prn). The withdrawal is UNBEARABLE and I take it as prescribed. I wish I'd never started taking it. Plus it's a controlled substance and I HATE being on a controlled substance.

But this is just my experience with it. Just wanted to throw it out there that I don't abuse my benzo or want to because it FREAKS ME OUT!

Good luck.

[raspberrytorte]

Originally Posted by Nammu

I don’t abuse or manipulate my meds. I don’t have a clue why anyone would. Not wanting to sit with emotions makes since to me. But the whole thing is beyond my comprehension. I’ve stopped meds, many I time but never took more. I guess it’s because I’m afraid to take more. I stopped meds including benzodiazepines because I thought they were doing more harm than good. But that was just my perception. I think everyone’s perception is different, not good or bad just different. I

I feel like you feel judged for that raspberry, I’m sorry for that. Nobody should be judging you for trying to find stability

I don't feel judged... just freaked out. Like my therapist keeps on bringing up neurological scarring and one time recommended a med wash... (****ing HELL no!). Luckily my pdoc thought that was a bad idea. Whew! I think a med wash would give me neurological scarring!!!

It's okay if I'm the only med abusing freak on the board. I still can't figure out why I do it exactly. Like, what am I trying to escape? What am I doing! Ugh! Maybe I just REALLY like seroquel. Therapist and I are going to have to discuss this on Monday.

[Tart Cherry Jam]

maybe you do indeed simply really like the stuff

[raspberrytorte]

Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam

maybe you do indeed simply really like the stuff

Probably.

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

I don't abuse my diazepam aka Valium. I take 30mg split into three doses per day, scheduled (not prn). The withdrawal is UNBEARABLE and I take it as prescribed. I wish I'd never started taking it. Plus it's a controlled substance and I HATE being on a controlled substance.

But this is just my experience with it. Just wanted to throw it out there that I don't abuse my benzo or want to because it FREAKS ME OUT!

Good luck.

I’m sorry you have to be on such a high dose

[raspberrytorte]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

I’m sorry you have to be on such a high dose

Thank you.

Sadly my pdoc thinks I need it. Unfortunately I think I do too. I just don't WANT to need it, if you know what I mean.

My pdoc is mostly retired. The odds of getting another one who will continue prescribing me 30mg of diazepam is minimal. I'll probably get a new pdoc who will take me off it cold turkey and I'll be ****ed! This med scares me! I don't like being so dependent on a med.

[Brentus]

You know, I have maybe a bit of an unpopular opinion here -- but self-medicating (abusing meds/alcohol etc) can be just a sign that you're not adequately medicated and/or not enough skills in your toolbox to cope. I personally think there should be no shame in realizing you're in a position where you're not OK. Self-medicating/abusing meds is not the best answer-- but its understandable if that's the underlying issue. I may be off in your case, but I thought I'd share that thought.

[raspberrytorte]

Originally Posted by Brentus

You know, I have maybe a bit of an unpopular opinion here -- but self-medicating (abusing meds/alcohol etc) can be just a sign that you're not adequately medicated and/or not enough skills in your toolbox to cope. I personally think there should be no shame in realizing you're in a position where you're not OK. Self-medicating/abusing meds is not the best answer-- but its understandable if that's the underlying issue. I may be off in your case, but I thought I'd share that thought.

Thank you, Brentus. I'm not sure if that's the situation in my case or not. This all really started after I crashed from the hypo high I had when I finished my novel, became terribly depressed, and decided I wanted to be high on seroquel all of the time.

Now all I can think about is ****ing seroquel! I'm allotted 300mg a day. Most of the time I take double that.

Thank you for being so kind.