Bipolar Check-In #78

My anger with my sister's behavior consumes me, sometimes. Somehow I need to be released from it. On Monday, I will contact my lawyer to ask that the unreasonable delay be dealt with.

Since we bought our home/property over one and a half years ago, the former owner and his girlfriend still want to pass through our property at least twice per day to feed their rabbits and chickens. We still allow them to keep a key to our gate and share our mailbox. We allowed this as a favor, but it's going on too long. When Hubby brought up building a fence between our properties (typical here) he became hostile. He had even asked if whomever builds a fence, if a gate in it could be added between our two properties, mostly so they could potentially drive a vehicle through, if needed. We said "No". As the man is elderly we have not prevented his daily walkthroughs. He needs a better access to his barn from his property. In the spring, when such preparations are easier, we will give him a deadline and then change the locks. Someone needs to get that fence up, too. We are willing to do it and pay for it. Though I feel for him (our property was in his family for over 100 years), I value our privacy. Almost every window in our house faces the courtyard he walks through. Every time they walk through, it frustrates me. Sometimes they even wave from outside, with us in the house (they look in). We have to keep some curtains closed most of the time. They also snoop around our property. Much of the small village knows some of our business.

I got an email back from the job I applied at saying that they can't hire me right now but that they think I'm a good fit for the company so they may have a spot for me in the future so they are keeping my application on file.

This is actually a very good thing. That I didn't have to turn them down and it wasn't an outright no from them either.

And they said mainly they couldn't hire me for the 4AM spot but they think I may be a good fit elsewhere if departments were hiring. So maybe I'll eventually have a chance with this company in a department that doesnt start so early. Thats what my mom and my therapist are worried about. The hours.

Good news hearing from the job but not needing to start right away

Found a women’s shelter that’ll secure my spot for the next 60 days.

Things feel unreal rn.

I'm not doing so great without Lamictal in my life. I hate to say that I think I may need it. Or maybe I just need to wait it out for a few more days and I'll feel better? I don't know. I'd hate to go back on it.

Editing raspberry coming in:

I'm going back on it. Trial and error. Apparently that's one of the meds I need.

I went off my antibiotic. It was causing legit psychosis. I had no other option and there was no doctor to talk to today I was truly on the verge of a breakdown and needing IP.

Anyways, it took care of the problem. I feel a lot better now. I struggled this morning then I took a 45 minute nap and now I don't feel the extreme anxiety naussa semi S **** I was feeling before.

There wasn't another option besides going off it.

I for sure still need something to replace the Prestiq though.

My sister drives me crazy. Shes all like "don't worry, we'll bring the food." She said this a couple times. Now my mom is expected to get cold cuts and a veggie tray tommorow.

Now tell me what store wil actually have a vegetable tray in stock tommorow? If you can even find a parking spot to begin with

Went grocery shopping today. That felt nice.

Having a great time watching old favorite comedy movie DVDs! We're having unseasonably warm weather and i enjoyed getting out walking in nature today and taking in the view off my balcony. I finally took a shower last night and am liking feeling all fresh and clean. My dog didn't eat yesterday so i was very pleased that she ate almost her whole bowl today. She's thrown off whatever was bothering her.

I still have my usual mild depression due to Winter but got some welcome relief from it today. So grateful! And it's the tenth today! Double digits! Winter is on the run!

Was so lovely seeing all 3 of my kids yesterday. It was my son’s 24th birthday on Friday so we all went to a cafe. I do not take that time for granted.

Feels like the honeymoon phase with my classes is over. They’re starting to become mildly disruptive. Trying to nip it in the bud. Fortunately they don’t speak when I’m speaking so there’s that.

Been so tired today but the weather is quite hot so I’m not surprised. Going to be even hotter over the next few days. No complaints. I love summer. I don’t do so well in the winter….

Still not sleeping well, not sure if that’s why I caught a cold or if it was inevitable. Had a sore throat, headache and reoccurring fever all day. I just took a covid test to rule that out so tomorrow will be up to my daughter as to whether or not she wants me to join her and her family at the cemetery. Tomorrow is one year since mum passed. Hard to believe it’s been one year already. Mum was just talking to me of having a birthday party before she took a turn for the worse. Her birthday is next week.

@MuddyBoots:

I am delighted to hear that you have secured 60 days in a women's shelter for yourself! That is wonderful news! A lot can happen in 60 days. When i was in crisis in my mid-twenties and got a bed in a shelter for battered women even tho i was merely homeless, after a month i found an exquisite apartment in our magical downtown core that was rent-controlled, and it is almost unheard-of to find rent-controlled properties in my city. I didn't even know there were such things!

Really wishing you the best of luck and hoping that my post of several months ago on my own similar struggle just might have had some small thing to do with your good fortune! But, of course, you are the one tackling all the obstacles and persevering in the face of some daunting odds! Sure don't want to steal any of your thunder! You rock!!!

Hang in there! During my darkest days, perseverance has seen me thru! Even when it just seems like inertia, just keep on keeping on!

I'm not mad about the vegetable tray I'm just annoyed about the inconsitency and lack of communication with my sister. Last weekend they texted wanted to come over. So we rushed home. And then time got the best of the them so they didnt. Then Friday my sister was late picking my mom up for her eye appointment and she almost missed it. And now they are switching things up again. My sister and brother in law are hoarders so they never invite us over and they expect my mom to watch my active niece twice a week and they dont do much in return.

Sorry I just had to rant

February is tough. Spring is coming. Hope everyone is doing not bad.

Don't let people determine your fate. Your feelings are valid. Just approach the situation with a clear head to make sure your truth is best understood. Understanding is very difficult, however easy some may think it is. No one, ever, knows the whole picture.

I haven't felt the greatest these past few days -- just feeling off without the ability to pinpoint what is going on. I do feel tired and just want to sleep. I'll hopefully get out of the slump and fine joy in things again. I know it sounds like depression, but if it is, it's relatively mild.

I think my meeting with the administrative law judge (ALJ) went well. I don't have lawyer and I know people swear by them, but I just have a hard time accepting it. It's a lot of extra effort so what? Someone can use the right buzz words to make it happen? A lawyer doesnt make me any more or less disabled. Anyway, I'm not here to knock lawyers -- that wasn't the point of the statement. I know they can be helpful. My ALJ used a vocaitonal expert in our meeting. She mentioned twice that given the hypothetical parameters he proposed, based on my conditions -- there was very little change of gainful employment in the areas that were used for examples. I think that sounds like a good sign. I'm hoping. I don't know when I'll know something.. but I just want to know either way as soon as possible. This has went on for 2 years now. My education and age have been used agaisnt me and I don't think it's fair to dismiss me based on it. I do feel a large part of it comes down to those two factors. I really don't know how I will handle the news if I don't get accepted. My life is just a burden on everyone and I am consuming resources, space, and time. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I can't contribute to society and I can't even go a day without reminders that living ain't free. Let's just hope for the best.

In other news I'm back on my learning languages kick. I'm doing German again. I've been really enjoying it -- branching out to playing some old familiar games in German, to practice reading and use of common, natural sentence structure and writing styles. I learned some cool linguistic and cultural things this way!

I don't really have much else to say. I'll leave it here I guess. Happy Sunday.

Brentus

I'm already feeling better with Lamictal back in my life. Also went back on my normal dose of seroquel, so that has me feeling better too. I'm going to wait to talk to my psychiatrist before changing anything again.

Tomorrow my husband and I are celebrating our twentieth wedding anniversary 💕. I am excited. Hard to believe it's already been twenty years! That went by fast.

@Brentus

Good luck with your disability case! I hope you get it.

You are lucky. I could use some lamictal. I'm self medicating with dramamine at this point. It works ok though its probably just not smart.

Happy anniversary!

Kinda fked when you're safer at a homeless shelter than at "home" lmao

Anyway we get kicked out from 7am-7:30pm and we're supposed to get a shyt ton of snow on Tuesday so right now I'm at my mom's looking for warm waterproof clothes.

This gal I always see at the library totally has a crush on me and this other dude I knew from AA I saw at the soup kitchen invited me to his house. Know better now though. We are going to a chili cookoff tonight together though.

Edit: Oh, and tomorrow is one month sober! Celebrated with a crunchwrap supreme today because tomorrow is a long walk to a pdoc appointment.

@Mountaindewed

Thanks 😊.

What's dramamine? Is that an OTC pain reliever? Sucks about your Lamictal situation. I don't know why you can't still have it in your life. Life is so much nicer with it.

I've been on it for over ten years. I feel like all these meds have permanently ****ed with my brain and now I just can't function without them or feel normal. It's really unfortunate.

Its a OTC anti nausea med some people misuse for anxiety instead.since its sedating.

I hear you about the meds I don't get why the withdrawels are getting harder though. I'd think they should be easing up

I was on lamictal for 10 years too.

Sucks about the withdrawals. I'd think they should be easing up too. I always get terrible withdrawal from meds when I stop taking them, mentally or physically or both. Like I just can't go off Cymbalta because whenever I try it makes me suicidal.

I think it's really dangerous how your pdoc just took you off both prestiq and Lamictal at the same time. Mentally as well as physically.

Anyway, I hope you start feeling better soon.

(((Hugs)))

My sister and her family are here. I am acting a bit wasted tbh. Like losing my balance and ****. so I'm hanging out in my room. I've been out a couple times. Theres a bag and an envelope for me on the table along with a big chocolate cake. The bag looks like its about the right size for a Stanley cup. I think the Stanley Cup craze is dumb but I would use it if it were given to me. Idk if its even that we haven't done presents yet. The cake looks really good.

But my 35 year old sister who is a middle school teacher didn't know the superbowl was in Vegas and didnt know that a ton of people have been fretting over if Taylor could make it in time.

My brother in law was also like wtf how do you not know this. Its been going on for 2 weeks.

Today was fun! I had a chance to attend a Comic Con for the first time. If I had known I was going a few months earlier, I'd have dressed up! Cosplay and all that.

Wandered the convention floor, attended a few panels but the highlight was getting a proper professional photo with Gates McFadden (AKA Beverly Crusher from TNG)! I brought a sign with me as a shout out to my mom, who's going through chemo treatments now. It's truly no exaggeration to say watching TNG with my mom was one of my first living memories. A cool moment!

Ugh! I have this awful hacking cough and can't sleep because of it. I think I got two hours last night. I feel SO bad for my husband. He's a light sleeper. Even with me hacking up a lung in the living room I probably kept him up all night. I feel fine, other than the awful cough. I'm going to attempt a nap, but don't have my hopes high.

@Mountaindewed

How was your birthday?