Bipolar Check-In #78

I lived without a car for several years and depended on Lyft and public transit. A $40 round-trip fare is not bad for Ontario, I imagine. But aren't cabs still more expensive than Ubers and Lyfts?

So all of us are home. Our names came up on another apartment so we filled out that. We have to downsize our house is a mess with stuff. Had Christmas at my parents house. Found out financial aid will be mad at Victoria but she won't get kicked out. She did put a request for accommodations in but I don't think they'll be accepted. We asked for a tutor to go over materials with her and a verbal explanation of the directions and a reduced course load. So we'll see.

Full disclaimer: I'm not an advocate for messing with medication dosages without consent from a doctor. It's just not a good position to find yourself in.

I have been feeling really low so I did something I really shouldn't have -- but I do think it's helped.In the past, I took a higher dose of both Vraylar and Effexor, and since I haven't got a doctor's appointment and who knows when I'll see one, I took the plunge and made the decision to up my meds just a day or two. [I have refills and still have plenty on hand from early refills and missed days of taking it (not recent) so I'm not in a fixed position of running out super early]. Again, I don't condone the behavior even in my case, I just felt I had to try something. I do feel a bit better today than I did earlier in the week.

I think I sincerely scared a friend of mine with my depression and mentality. I'm not suicidal or committing self-harm or wanting to hurt others, but I'm really just settled into the condiiton of my life and see no real prospect for the future. Once my mother can't support me anymore (i.e. passes away), I guess that's it for me too. I see a judge about disability in February but I'm not counting on it. I'm really unable to see a way out. I guess my first step is probably to get back into therapy and see a doctor...

I'm kinda worried my stomach pain came back. I could lay off the coffee and see if that helps. I've had a lot this week. It started last night when my pain woke me up at midnight. Overall I'm doing fine again. Not much anxiety and other stuff is ok.

I was trying to find the name of a song I heard on Americas Go Talent. I didn't remember the words just the tune. I had to find the act on Youtube, which took forever, then google the lyrics. But Amazon Prime music didn't have the song. Then I got Spotify in October. And I lost the name of the song again. Last night it showed up on a 90's playlist. I recgonozied it immediatly and added it to my own playlist.

It was random but I found it finally it.

I hadn't showered in 5 days. I did today. I changed my clothes and cleaned the shower too.

My pdoc says she can start Vraylar but I need to book an appointment to adjust my other meds, so I'm now waiting until January 11.

I'm feeling really low. Coffee is my friend but I can't seem to get enough today.

My husband and I are both sick AGAIN 😫. Boohoo. I was running a mild temperature until I took some cold medicine. Physically I feel awful, and we still have presents to buy and wrap and a Christmas tree to put up. I don't know why we keep on getting sick! We're just so HEALTHY in this household. Our daughter told us we're not allowed to be sick on Christmas. I told her we already were!

You don't currently have a pdoc? Who's giving you your prescriptions?

I mess with my meds all the time. I get mad and want to scream when others yell at me for it because it's MY body and if THEY like a med so much THEY can take it (the next thing I plan on weaning all the way off of is loxapine).

Anyway, so I'm happy you're temporary increase is helping you. I hope you feel better soon.

I hope you can get on disability. I know some people have a hard time.

(((Hugs)))

I went out today. Bought some Christmas gifts for my kitty and my fiancés cats. Also bought some groceries and omg so expensive

I know, right?! We blew through $500 on Christmas presents and groceries.

I havent seen my psychiatrist in abour 2-3 months. He always gives me 3 months refills on meds so I will never run out. Minus the Adderall of course, which I just havent had for about 3 months. So, no one is writing prescriptions currently, I'm working off what I have.

Oh okay.

Is there an Adderall shortage right now? I know there's a Vyvanse shortage.

I hurt my back today. I have no idea how. I was putting some things in the washer and tried to stand up and it hurt so badly I barely could move. It felt like a kidney stone but it was on both sides so that isn't the problem. My mom was there and was really worried because I have a high pain tolerance and she says I never complain of pain, much less struggle to move because of it. It hurt so badly at first. After some ibuprofen and heat/ice it's a lot better although I'm moving around slowly. I just don't understand what happened. If it's not better tomorrow I'm going to go to urgent care. I don't want to; my meds are so complicated and it can be hard to convince doctors new to me that they have to check interactions carefully. But I don't want to be unable to enjoy Christmas. For now I have vicodin I'm given for migraines and I'm going to take one of those tonight. Hopefully I wake up tomorrow all better.


This is turning out to not be my month physically. Hopefully the hard stuff will end with the month.

Finally feeling more relaxed. First day of holiday. Redecorated my bedroom with things from Kmart. Love it. Busy washing all the cutlery for Christmas Day

@Crazy Hitch I hope you have a wonderful holiday! I'm just a few days into my Christmas break myself. Since I haven't taught since the first part of 2nd quarter, I've got a lot to get done before heading back. But, it's so nice to be able to work on these things at my own pace/when I want to!

@Brentus I'm sorry you're going through all of this but definitely understand where you are coming from. It's so hard to choose between trying something that might give some relief and waiting to talk with your pdoc about it when that is not guaranteed to happen right away and things could get worse between now and seeing them...I hope you continue to feel better.

Yesterday, I left a message at my pdoc's office like the voicemail I received on Monday told me to but have not heard back. This isn't surprising given the nurse's new hours, but is very frustrating since she is the one who told me to call back the next day. I will admit I have been completely spoiled by the level of care I have received from my pdoc and his nurse, but why tell someone to call the nurse's line the next day if no one is going to listen to it to call back? She's back in the office tomorrow so, hopefully, I'll here back then.

If I don't, my guess is I'll end up calling the on call number tomorrow night or over the weekend because there is no way I can wait until after Christmas for a response; the paranoia I left a message about is getting more intense so I want to be able to at least try and put a stop to it before it gets worse. Since it's the worst at night, I am tempted to take 25 mg or seroquel to see if that will help me sleep through it. The problem is they expire in a week so I don't know if that is the greatest idea. If this wasn't the case, I'd probably definitely be taking it tonight. We'll see what I decide. Sadly, no matter what, I know I'll have to sleep with some lights on and background noise going in an attempt to help tame it all.

@June08

My paranoia is always worse at night too.

I also don't know what to do about it. I'm going to have to wait for my pdoc appointment on January 3rd.

Nothing like playing some Christmas carols

I feel blah and frustrated and I want to go on an adventure but I've only gotten 2.5 hours of sleep. I'm not manic. I think I'm just hungry to be honest.

Well I drank enough caffeine to make me woozy. And I ate the leftover chop suey from dinner. I still just feel frustrated.

I want a cold juice product

After I wrote this I fell right asleel until a few minutes ago. So It was enough sleep I guess.

12:51am. Slept for 1 hour. Feeling fantastic. Knew this would happen the moment the **** hole called work was finished for work.

@BeyondtheRainbow sorry you hurt your back. Hope you’re okay soon!

@June08 enjoy your well deserved break and do something fun for yourself!

@raspberrytorte have you ever tried meditation at night?

@Mountaindewed glad you managed to get a bit more sleep. Think I’ve slept for an hour.

No, but at this point I'm willing to try anything. Thanks for the suggestion.

My therapist was all like "Do you like Daniel Tiger?" And was asking me what episode was on today. Then she sung the song when I told her what episode it was. My niece was watching it. Thats why it was on this morning. Idk why my thearapist wants me involved in these little kids shows. She told me to not watch CNN. I literally have CNN on now because I'm an adult not a 2 year old or a mentally disabled adult.

Eh I'm just crabby today. I'm tired and I had too much coffee so my stomach hurts.

I took an hour or so nap and I took some dramamine and nothing is really working. Its not my right side this time its the middle of my stomach.

Lone day at work. I’m off
For
Holidays til
Next
Thursda

Wishing everyone Happy Holidays and a hopefully good 2024!

My husband and I will be at home in Czechia this Christmas. I'm relieved. He will then go with his nephew for a ski trip. I'll be home alone for much of that week. I don't know how that will be. Initially, I thought how fun it will be to cook myself all of the foods Hubby won't eat, but now I fear I'll just fall into rumination.

Do check in here. We miss you.

Despite calling back and leaving a voicemail like I was told to, I haven't heard from my pdoc's office. Between them not being open on Fridays and Christmas on Monday, I've got a long time before anything is going to be done. Using my PRN .5 mg risperidone every day isn't doing crap anymore so I don't know what I'm supposed to do. In my last post, I said I'd probably end up calling the on call number if I didn't hear back today but, in thinking about it, I don't know that this would actually be helpful. Discussions about med changes, or adding a new med, I'm sure only happen in the office so...adding a med, or changing one, never works anyway so the thought of doing this yet again seems pretty useless too, especially since my pdoc has gotten to the point of retrying meds because he's running out of ideas. Gotta love having a brain that stumps both your counselor and your pdoc. It's hitting me that, depending on how this all plays out it could be weeks yet before I get any relief. Given how bad things get by the afternoon/evening, that feels like an eternity to wait. And, the thought of going back to work feeling like this feels even worse.

I just looked at my patient portal and, of the 9 meds this pdoc has prescribed in the last 2 years, only 2 have stuck long term...