Bipolar Check-in #79

I went with my mom to do a grocery pickup and I puked twice on the way home. Luckily I had brought a bucket with me. I threw up a few times when I woke up then once when we got home. Now I'm lying down in bed trying to deal with this nausea. Probably from still being constipated. I slept good last night though. I just can't really leave my house much. I took my AM geodon and pantropaloze with a couple cookies. Eating with them didn't help.

All the junk i ate on Thursday came to haunt me yesterday when i had a very messy upset stomach for ten hours, starting at 4:30am. I didn't have any other episodes since mid-afternoon yesterday and thought it was over, but then i had another attack at 9:00am today FROM DRINKING TOO MUCH WATER! Christ, i just had about 200ml. I CAN'T DRINK ANYTHING!

I kept pop down okay yesterday from mid-afternoon on tho. Pop settles my stomach. But the caffeine kept me up all night and i finally got up for good at 4:30am again today. I napped from 6:00am to 9:00am at least.

I put out my tiny bathroom cups to serve myself fluids in. The advice is to drink a lot to prevent dehydration during a stomach upset like mine, but i find that's disastrous for me. I really have to dry my digestive system out. I have a caffeine-deprivation headache tho.

I managed one piece of toast yesterday. I tried oatmeal today and that's when i had the attack so i threw it out. I had one piece of toast later and kept it down, so i guess that's my diet for the near future.

Oh, well, i'm so overweight it's not like i'm gonna waste away...

I wonder if i will ever be able to eat normally again, or if my stomach is just broken...

My sleep is really messed up. I get to bed and sleep for 2-3 hours, then I'm up for about 4 hours but super tired. Then I go to bed again at about 4am and sleep another 2-3 hours.

I'm hearing a humming sound in my right ear. I read that some people on Vraylar experience this side effect. I can hear it all the time and when people are speaking, it goes up and down with their voices. Hopefully it'll settle down soon.

My anxiety is getting better. I take Klonopin just 2-3 times a week now. I was taking it twice a day before.

I'm starting to feel a little less depressed, too. I think the Vraylar is starting to work.

Goal-based activity is way up. I'm super focused and I need to remind myself to take a break sometimes.

I get it, girly. I get $20 and spend it all at the Dollar Tree on Moon Pies, mango banana mush, and shytty beef jerky (and that's a looooooooot of beef jerky) and then I eat it all (and puke until the verge of death but that's irrelevant). I asked when I was in the hospital if I can ever get my hunger cues back on track and she said yes, but it'll take a damn long time

Another great day - I think since I finally released myself from my ex, things have just been getting better and better. Woke up early and had a good workout at the gym with my friend, then met my sponsor for lunch, (she drove an hour and half from Raleigh to see me), treated her to lunch at my favorite Italian restaurant because was the least I could do - had a great time we talked for hours - she invited me to spend the night at her house so we can go to her homegroup meeting and meet up with some of my old friends from the rehab I graduated from.

Then came home and talked for another two hours with my good friend in town and ordered us tickets to a cool play at our local theater that a lady at our AA meetings is playing the lead on May 16th. It will be also nice to support her and go to a play! Haven't been to one since I left New York.

Also made plans for a slumber party girls' night at my house Wednesday night - we'll watch movies, eat junk food and just have fun! She will be the second guest in my butterfly guest room.

Still watching the mania because I am not taking my morning meds, but I think I should just enjoy the good times.

Yesterday and today have involved a lot of emotions, both good and hard. Yesterday, I had to cross my info off of prescription labels of expired meds I turned in today as part of a expired/unwanted meds collection day. While doing this, I came across the prozac bottle I was prescribed when I started seeing my first pdoc-this med triggered a mixed state that led to my official diagnosis. I decided to keep the empty bottle since that med led to such a life changing moment in my life. I'm actually grateful it triggered an episode so I could get the diagnosis I needed/thought I might have.

Today, one of my best friends got married! Her, and her family, mean the world to me because they take me in on Thanksgiving and Easter if I have nowhere to go. The wedding ended up being a reunion of some of us who no longer live near each other but all met around the same time 6 years ago. I was even fortunate enough to get to sit at the same table as my mentor and as a family of 4 I'm close too (they both live in different states than me now). I had a lot of gratitude for having everyone together in one place, a ton of social anxiety/annoyance with myself about this, sadness about the life I wish we still all had together in the same city, and gratitude for these people in general.

I sure am lucky to have all of these people in my life, even though I don't regularly talk to everyone that was part of the reunion. I wouldn't be the person I am today without them.

Getting together with my trans friend that Ie known for about 20 years. She lives about an hour and a half away now and haven’t seen her for at least six months. Then after she leaves., my friend is coming over. It will be a social morning.

Had nightmares all night. Vivid, upsetting ones. It takes a lot for me to shake off the emotions of negative dreams after I wake up, so that has colored a lot of my day thus far. My mom is in one of her moods which instantly made me very irritable and angry. Not only that, but I have to see my psychiatrist in person tomorrow. He's 1.5 hours away, which of course couldn't just be as simple as me driving there. Oh no.

My mom wails and shreiks "YOUR CAR WONT MAKE IT THERE. YOU'RE GONNA END UP IN AN ACCIDENT AND DIE. YOU CAN'T GO BY YOURSELF." -- so to circumvent this not ONLY do I have to borrow my sister's car, I have to take my sister, my mother, and myself on this journey. I really just want to go to my appointment and get home. They want to stop and eat and shop and this and that. I'm actually out of medicine as of tomorrow so we have to get back before the pharmacy closes so at least that limits everything to BEFORE my appointment, and not AFTER. If I could just cancel the whole appointment I would. I don't want to deal with all of it. I guess I'm doing the right thing by keeping it and going, but I'm so tired of having to go through this every single time I have to go in person. It's so much excess stress on me because I can't even be the one in charge of my own damn appointment.

I want to just give up today.

Its just the same throwing up multiple times, lying in bed, watching TV, kinda day. I'm in a bit of a *****y mood because I threw up yesterdays PM meds and todays PM meds. So I haven't had any or enough Lamictal I don't think in like 48 hours. Or enough Topamax. I also took a shower and I found this huge red mark on my inner thigh and the skin had been rubbed raw and it hurts. I put a ton of hydrox something or other cream on it so I can avoid immediate care. Hopefully.

Anyways I'm just crabby from not enough meds and from throwing up everything I eat.

I just projectile vomited 2 tylenol, my stomach med, and 3 sips of water loud enough for my mom to hear. I'm hoping my Geodon stayed down.

I asked my mom if it sounded like cancer and she saId she doesn't know.

I slept well and have been eating fairly normally today, so that terrible bout of upset stomach is passing and i am on the mend. Seems many on this thread are having trouble, so hugs to everyone that needs them.

When I watched Svengoolie last night, and even though he was cracking a lot of jokes about it that little Zuni doll at the end of Trilogy of Terror kept me up all night. It freaked me out as a kid and freaked me out most of the night so I couldn't get up this morning and go to church or see my parents. Was pretty upset about it and feeling like a failure, but I picked myself up, made a pep-talk video for my video diary, and got on with my day.

God spoke to me today and said it was okay and to spend the day with Him, which I did. Even though I missed my morning sermon at my church I got to listen on to Joel Olsteen's Live Sermon at 10am and the message was "You are Worthy" which helped my self-esteem a lot. I still feel broken and beat myself up so much.

Was also worried about mania creeping in, but I think I am going to be okay. Went to Zaxby's and cheated on my diet with shrimp and fries, it was so good and so worth it. It ended up being a really good day.

I know who Svengoolie is and the doll from Trilogy of Terror is very scary!

One of my absolute favorites! Oh ladyshadow - i was GROWN and it scared the carp out of me! You poor baby!!!

Love svengoolie. I have friends who used to live on ...BURwood!!!

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Originally Posted by Moose72 I know who Svengoolie is and the doll from Trilogy of Terror is very scary!

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Originally Posted by unaluna One of my absolute favorites! Oh ladyshadow - i was GROWN and it scared the carp out of me! You poor baby!!! Love svengoolie. I have friends who used to live on ...BURwood!!!

You have no idea! I love that you guys know about Svengoolie, I've been watching for almost a decade now. Do you know he shows Trilogy of Terror often? I better close my eyes next time! Maybe because I live alone now it bothered me more than it should have!

My mystery chronic illness has been acting up more and more since this past Tuesday. I think I aggravated it with a longer walk I went on on Monday. The time/energy requirements of the wedding and reception I went to yesterday, along with not drinking enough water, has definitely made it worse too. I ended up laying in bed for 3 hours today and have been to exhausted to do simple things such as cook an easy to make meal.

Energy wise, it feels like I did when I first got sick in November and wasn't working. I'm worried about making it through work tomorrow and to my counseling appointment. It's been awhile since I've seen her so I really could use the appointment. In general, it's a busy week this week.

My bipolar symptoms seem to be leveling off though-I am going to try and go back to 1 mg of risperidone to see if symptoms stay at bay.

Currently at work. Very nervous for this class I get to see in 1.5 hours. I haven't seen them in a week since they last behaved so badly due to my son being ill last week. I really hope they're OKAY today. They don't have to be perfect, just okay! And do the work. And arrive with equipment. It's not too much to ask. I should add stay seated. Okay, you get the drift lol.

So scared of mania. Really scared. Is it possible that I am unable to accept happiness? If that is that case, I feel doomed then, because when I'm miserable, I just want to be happy, and when I'm happy I'm scared. This sucks! BOO YOU bipolar!

I'd be afraid of feeling good because of the association of euphoria with mania, but now I look out for my more tell-tale signs like lack of need for sleep, hypersexuality, being unable to keep up with my thoughts, and certain specific behaviors I get involved in like listening to multiple songs at the same time, especially specific songs (a couple overt "yeah, I'm manic" ones are Experiment on Me by Halsey and Handlebars by Flobot) on repeat. Hell, if I find myself in Maine that's probably a sign.
But yeah, (hypo)mania has way more tangible symptoms than just "do I feel TOO good?" and being able to recognize those starting to bud becomes easier over time (although maybe not responding in an appropriate manner )

I went on a date with my husband tonight. Bought painting supplies and 2 schetch books. Then went for burritos. After spent 45 min for drive thru at Wendy's for Victoria. Got everything set up for tomorrow to paint. Have pdoc tomorrow and have lost my words. So this should be fun. My nephew is in the hospital with heart issues. Victoria seems to have given up on adulthood. I have to tell pdoc I'm lactating. I have to take the bus tomorrow. I don't remember the last time I showered. Not looking forward to tomorrow.

I had just 2 hours of sleep the night before last, and 5 hours last night. I'm really tired. Coffee doesn't seem to help.

My anxiety is up again, so I needed Klonopin yesterday and today.

Today is a really slow day, but it's a good one. I think I am going to deal with my fears of mania head on. I got 9 hours of sleep last night and honestly, I think that's one of the biggest signs of mania like @MuddyBoots said - I am getting enough sleep, so I should be fine.

I hate waiting around for jobs to come in though, Mondays are the worst. Have my salad in the fridge from Zaxby's from yesterday and I am really looking forward to it.

Just the same puking a lot and stomach hurting a lot kinda day. I took an hour nap this morning. I called my pdoc and asked if I could go up on my lamictal and prestiq. So I'll see if he'll be ok with that. I'm pretty depressed about everything.

fk man, just spent like an hour filling out an online job application only for there to be a glitch in the site and, because it's not in season (summer job), there's no one answering the phones.

Reallllly slow today. Only made chump change for the past 4 hours. I don't even think this is worth it sometimes. Must be a slow day today.

Well, IÂ’m home finally. My appointment was fine although I got a little nervous. TheyÂ’ve really added a lot of internal structure to the clinic both in space and personelle. Efficiency too. TheyÂ’ve made quite a few policy changes as well. Just seems like when things are fine everything will run smoothly. But if a minor problem arises I may be up a creek . Just the impression I got. Least everything is fine for now .

I hate traveling even relatively short distances — the process is just exhausting. 3 hour round trip + time to stop and eat. + appt time. = 5hrs total . I wish I could say I’m done for the day but I still need to go to the store. Oh well. Largest part done.

Thanks for reading.