Bipolar Check-in #79

Went to the store and had family game night. 7 of us joined 3 different states. I almost won but my nephew did. We played bang.

Endoscopy went well. Leaving after breakfast.

I talked to psych again yesterday and they gave me a few phone numbers for residential treatment. I’m going to assume the shortest waitlist is 1 year long.

I know what you mean about not getting help. I'm getting no where with my stuff and its like from the movie Mean Girls when they said to Regina George "You can try Sears."

Last night I was like almost violently throwing up for an hour. Just from a cup of chicken rice and 10oz of Dr. Pepper. Now I've been up since 11:30. I had planned on going to Walmart and also getting my haircut before therapy. Now I'm not sure. My stomach feels mediocre. I took 2 Aleve around 1AM.

I think I'm going to go back on my weekly shots a few days early. Technically I did skip it 2 times. He said 2 shots not 2 weeks.

I just threw up my zofran and my pantropaloze. I'm kinda worried.

I just took one of my nausea meds my pdoc told me I needed an EKG before I could take because of a possible interaction with my Geodon. My doctor said it could take up to 10 days to get an EKG and I don't have the patience.

This is supposed to be a first world country. Why the **** am I just left hanging like this?

Ughhh I need sleep but I’m not down for strangers’ apartments right now. I forced myself to eat some cherry tomatoes. I had some shytty hospital pancakes this morning. I know I’m going to lose weight and get obsessed with starving again.

Boutta go down to the housing authority and ask them where I’m supposed to sleep at night. The 10 minute walk is daunting, when I used to easily do 10 miles at once. Wish me luck.

Edit: cool. Secured a spot at a shelter for the night. Consecutive days not guaranteed

Doing laundry including the towels. Just gave my cat a bunch of greenies treats in her treat toy.

I've been thinking a lot about the past and when i was 18 and my mom stopped catering to my picky eating and simply stopped making me dinner. How hurt i was. I'm trying to reason with myself that 18 is plenty old enough to have made my own dinner. I know i'm being childish. But i have a heavy heart. I've been lost in thought for hours these past few days thinking about that first time i came to the dinner table and there was nothing for me. How hurt i was.

Yes! My milk of magnesia came in the mail! I'll be able to take a fcking shyt tomorrow morning. Yippie. Yay. Great. The Amazon delivery driver originally couldn't find our address and refused delivery, so I complained (went kind of Karen if I'm being honest) and they were suddenly, miraculously, able to find my address and delivered it tonight.

I don't understand! Normally I'm very nice and respectful and people are mean to me, but then I turn into mega ***** and suddenly I get my way? Like I bet if I wouldn't have gone karen my package wouldn't have been delivered today.

Whatever I guess.

I'm anxious. I need my normal dose of gabapentin back. This is not working out. I don't like it. I also need to come clean with my pdoc and tell him I've been taking up to 800mg of seroquel a day. He needs to know.

Sigh.

I hope you thoroughly enjoy your shyt 😝

I get others enforcing anger though. Although it does hurt the ones you think give a damn about ya to the point no one wants to get close.

They pretty quickly got me a CM because I guess the CMHC doesn’t assign everyone one so they don’t have as much of a case load. Seeing her later today.
I swear I’m going to get my shyt under control. I’m going to make music solo and do freelance writing and demand access to my money even if that means taking legal action (idk if I even have a case because she IS my rep payee, but then again she’s not using that money on any of my basic necessities). I’m going to stay out of crack shacks and away from liquor stores even if that means spending every minute I have at the library. Gonna keep to myself when I go to the soup kitchen. Getting off dating sites. Reigning in my anger and self abusing behaviors. Check the facts. Use common sense and listen to the part of my brain that says “this is not a good idea” and not the part that says “fkk it, the consequences don’t matter”

Fill up my time with writing, studying music and when I get some space making some, doing volunteer work on trail days.

People hate me and I’m sorry I’ve been such a disturbance. 180 starts today. Gonna get straight to work with my CM I’m getting placed in a residential and I don’t care if I have to go to Timbuktu for it, I’ve nothing here.

Yesterday I was pretty sick. The nausea meds and lack of sleep made me super tired. I spent the day sleeping. But I wasn't throwing up. I reschedeled therapy for Thursday. She was super nice and understanding. I felt better around 5 so my mom and I got stuffed pitas for dinner.

This morning I made myself a skinny chai latte and ate a couple pieces of this seaweed thing and then an hour later I threw up a couple times.

My mom and I took my niece to Walmart and I felt so weak walking around I couldn't make it to the other store. But I did get my haircut. I got there right when they opened and I had been putting it off for awhile and my hair was getting long but finally I just said eff it and I got it cut today.

I was the first ones there and I got a medium buzz cut and I really like it. Getting it cut improved my anxiety almost instantly and I'm glad I was able to push myself. I came home and my stomach is fairly calm right now although I still feel queasy. I did take a Zofran before we left.

I just threw up my meds, my second valium, and my Skippy peanut butter bar. Wtf. And my niece is coughing a lot for some reason.

I need to color today I've spent far to long avoiding it. I learned I hate Pikachu. But can't send my niece a picture and not my nephew. though I'd love to get the money together for a steam deck for him. I'm getting my discount bus pass soon. Then I have to practice going places alone. I'm so scared to go places alone. I need to get use to it.

I have to decide if I'm going to get an art degree and start this fall. H is going to try and get into their imaging program. If he does that gets a degree and starts working I'll no longer be able to get SSi or any assistance. I want to go for art but I may go for computers as I'm going to need to make money. This is the only way we see us moving to a better apartment for me. Hopefully we both can hold down part time jobs. We're hoping 3 -12 hour shifts will work for us. This is a long game. I hate not being able to get a place I need. Once everything is done we may move out of the city. So I have to decide money or art. I'll need to do vocational rehab to get a job that suits me, I'm scared.

Been exploring an interesting mental health hypothesis: Essentially that I'm on the autism spectrum. Whether that's a comorbid diagnosis or in place of bipolar, I don't know. Al lot of symptoms fit. Special interests, stimming, trouble with sarcasm and lack of routine.

My PsychNP explored this in part with some diagnostic tests. Some revealed a likelihood of being on the spectrum, others were within the margin of error for a positive result. These were done with the idea that I would be tested officially. That never happened. To be honest, I don't think I believed it.

Now, I'm coming around to the idea

Staying at home today with my 5 year old who has a cough and runny nose but seems alright. Feeling guilty because of all the time I had off for my stroke.

@Crazy Hitch In my career I worked with hundreds of people who'd had strokes. Not one of them did it on purpose. Unless you have some super power that let you cause your own stroke I think you can not feel guilty about it or taking time off to recover (and your school should thank you for not driving b/c what if you had and had a 2nd stroke while driving? That's how tragedies happen). Your little guy needs you. Take care of both of you!

Thank you! I needed that reality check @BeyondtheRainbow!

Really sitting with, for the first time, how different my life could have been if I would have looked for help the first time I wondered if I had bipolar disorder is not fun/easy. I know being in the middle of symptoms isn't making these emotions any easier. I'm in that weird spot where I can't tell how much of my anger/irritability is to be expected at the moment and how much (if any) is because of my bipolar symptoms. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

I had some nice interactions with my student's today though-my student's this year are exactly who I've needed to have in my class during all of the physical and mental health stuff I have been going though.

This girl I know is faking dying. She faked dying awhile ago too. Shes trying to get $10,000 from Gofund Me while she claims shes being switched around from different hospices. Like that makes any sense. I hope she gets into trouble. Me and this other person I know were like "we hope she never has a kid." Because of all the medical stuff she has faked.

Been a weird couple of days. Been off this forum too for a little bit, just taking a break. I think I post here too much. I do it when I feel a bit manic. Have stopped taking my morning meds the past week, and I feel a lot better about it even thought I am not really tired tonight.

I think I realized that I am not as bipolar as I think, (as delusional as that may seem), yes sometimes I have bursts of energy when I am a bit too overstimulated, but who doesn't? I am a pretty frugal person who saves money, so that manic spending stereotype is out the window. However, I do get really depressed sometimes in the morning over my ex, but who wouldn't after a heartbreak?

I think my life has had some major ups and downs the past few months, and I think I've been handling it pretty well. Since being sober three years, and restful sleep each night, this bipolar curse just may have been lifted. I just have to see what my doctor says next month about stopping my morning meds. She may yell at me, but oh well, that heavy medication is not helping anymore.

I don't know what to do. I got 2 hours of sleep between 5:15 and 7:15. I threw up my 1PM and 1AM meds including my stomach med. And all of dinner. I don't think my pdoc can do much. Do I just wait it out until the 1st when I see my GI..

I just took another one of those nausea meds I'm not really supposed to take without an ok from a EKG. I don't feel like puking all day. They legit work even though I'm a zombie from them.

My new case manager said she’s going to ride my *** in helping her find me a residential, as I told her what happened over the past month and made her think I can’t be on my own or with a roommate that might not fully get it. She’s going to do her best in expediting the process of getting a therapist.

Edit: shyt, man, back in the ER. Something is reality off again.

I slept so badly last night. I fell asleep from 5-7 and then I stayed up until like 2AM. I threw up my 1AM meds so my anxiety is kinda off today. I did restart my weekly shot. So I'm hoping that helps me out. Stomach wise I'm not feeling much because I took 2 of those nausea meds my pdoc told me not to. Although right now my stomach feels a bit weird. I did take a half hour/40 minute nap around 10:15 this morning. So I'm not a complete zombie. But yeah I'm feeling things today.

I just got the chills super bad and then projectile vomited a ton. Now I'm just tired.

Jeeze I didn't know it was possible for a human to throw up so much at one time. I didn't think the stomach was that big.

C won’t answer the phone. All day today and most of yesterday. I’m really starting to worry yet knowing him there’s nothing wrong. I think he knows how much he worries me when he does things like this. I mean last year he was in the hospital for about 2 months!

Symptomatic wise I am in a really good place. It will be one week since I stopped taking my morning meds and I can definitely feel the improvement. Just more energy, I am really on some heavy medication. I am only taking them at night now, which seems to be working out well.

Moving on is getting better every day. Looked into a writing class to help me get my book started. I think I want to start a bit before the class actually gets started. I still have thoughts of my ex, but they are fleeting. It gets bad when I hear a song or see his leftover clothes. Today, I opened up Facebook and saw some of our pictures and got a little teary-eyed. I guess that's all I have of him now.

Feeling anxious even though today is a public holiday in Australia. Anzac Day. It’s about work on Monday and the revolting class I know I will have to see. I need to get a grip on this. I try not to take work home with me metaphorically speaking but I haven’t been able to let the last lesson go when they were rough.

Thanks for listening to my rant.