Bipolar Check-in #79

I swear I heard my phone ringing in the other room today but it wasn’t my usual ringtone. When I looked at it to see who called there were no missed calls!

I don't want to jinx myself or anything, but I've actually been getting a decent amount of sleep at night finally. I've been doing a lot of book promotion and trying to figure out my next novel (which isn't going so well). Mood-wise I've slipped back into depression. I was actually okay for a few days. But now my self care has gone to **** again. All I've been doing is sleeping, reading and promoting.

I really need to do something about my physical health. There's something wrong with me. I can't even walk without feeling fatigued. 😕 My husband was just like, "...you're not THAT overweight!" I don't know what's going on. I don't like it though. Maybe I just need to quit vaping? Maybe it's med related? Dr K and I are going to have a little discussion about this at my appointment on the 15th.

I have refills available on all my prescriptions but for some reason the pharmacy won't fill them without contacting Dr K's office first. I don't know why. Whatever I guess. If I run out it's not my problem. Not my fault. I was supposed to get a gabby refill on the 16th and it was never filled. Okay.

My anxiety has been bad. I'm telling Dr K that the reduced gabby dose isn't working out for me because it's really not. Tmi but I've been having anxiety shits. I'm starting to feel like I'm walking around in a nightmare, like when I get thrown in the psych ward and they don't give me my gabbies for a couple of days. It's bad. I have to call tomorrow and leave a message.

Finally heard from C. He said he’s going back to the olden times when he will only answer the phone while he’s at work. But he got a call from who knows who. He goes to bed at 9 but he called me when it was past 9:00 pm which is unusual for him.

I’m here checking in. I read back and have noticed that some people are in a bad place right now so I am sending positive vibes to everyone that needs them. My only advice is to just hold on, even if it’s just to spite life that’s tried to take you down! It’s ok if the only thing you did today was breathe (I have that tee shirt).

I’m going wonderful still. I’m doing so well that I’ve decided to go back to school for my special ed certification. I might actually be a teacher again. I’m worried that I won’t be able to handle it and I’ll have wasted all this money to pay for the degree and it will be useless. But man, if I can…I loved teaching. And I would love to be in an autism classroom like I work in now. I know a behavior class wouldn’t be the best, I and KNOW I can’t do gen ed co teaching. But if I got an autism or multiple disabilities class I really think I could do it.

I talked to my grandma about whether she thought it was a good idea and she told me “if you never try, you’ll always wonder what could have been”. She’s right. I don’t want to spend my life wondering. So I’m going to try. And if I fail, at least I’ll know. My grandma is the best and I will miss her immensely when she’s gone.

So, today I will be applying to the masters program at my preferred university. I’m excited and anxious, but again, I have to at least try!

They discharged me at fking 2am. (Low potassium and still anemic but nothing to be done there). Did not have a bed and it was/is freezing. At least the sun is out now and library opens soon. Gonna hit some pals up for a nice hot coffee.

So this chick I met at the shelter that got kicked out for drugs is mad tweaking outside the library. I found someone to meet up at Dunks…at the other end of town a 2 hour walk away. Eh, it warmed up to 38dF worth it. There’s also a dude that just walked in wearing shorts. I have a feeling he didn’t walk here lol

Last night I slept decently. I had a hard time falling asleep though. The lawn guy was out late and I couldn't figure out what to listen to. I finally fell asleep and then I woke up at 2AM and I took my AM meds and I drank a Pepsi and ate a piece of bread and then I threw up a few times and I fell back asleep from 4 something to 6:15.

Today has been ok. My anxiety is ok. I got some chicken strips from Sonic and some fries because I was super hungry and I threw up twice an hour later and I'm kinda dizzy right now so I'm sitting in bed. I was thinking of taking a walk but not anymore. Although I guess I could throw up in someones flower garden if I had to.

Overall I just feel a bit off today.

I quit my part time job. I finally realized I cannot mentally handle retail. This is my second retail job. My first one I was at for a little over 3 months and I left due to the stress. I decided to give it a try again somewhere else. So I’ve been working at this place for a full month. It’s extremely stressful and the unpredictable hours at random times wrecks my sleep and triggers episodes and I end up going 2-3 days without sleep, having severe paranoia, anxiety and panic attacks. So yeahhh, I thought this time it’d work out. But I literally cannot handle that amount of stress. So no more retail. I’m taking time to myself for a few months then maybe going back to college to finish my associates degree. I feel kind of like a failure.

Just came clean with my husband about my seroquel abuse.... He told me I was the one who didn't want a med monitor coming over three times a day to watch me take my meds so I needed to stop doing that. I jinxed myself about the decent amount of sleep thing. Only got three hours last night. My anxiety is through the roof! I knew the gabby reduction was a bad idea. I need to call on Monday. Out of complete desperation I just took 200mg of seroquel and 4 800mg of gabapentin. I feel so guilty, but I'm a desperate woman!

I got two short story rejections at the same time. I feel like the world is just one huge NO for me. I feel like such a failure. 😭 I don't know why I even bother. I must be a **** writer because, as an editor of an ezine, I've gotten some really bad stories. The good ones shine through. I don't know what I'm doing wrong! 😭

My husband was a menace...again...and made me go on a two mile hike with him through murky woods. I did not enjoy it. He's making me do it with him again tomorrow morning. Ugh. He's a stubborn man! 😣 There were butterflies. I'm terrified of butterflies. Like I have serious butterfly phobia.

Well I made it to Friday. Just got to get through today at work! I see my nice class this morning so I think it will be okay! Bring on lunch time because I have no classes after lunch today!

I could have sworn I heard my mom arguing on the phone last night with a pharmacy tech and the pharmacy tech said "I've told you each time you have called. We are out of stock and 5 is all I can give you right now."

Then I swear I heard my mom say "you know, I'm starting to get the sense this issue is personal because of my son."

But my mom said this morning I was dreaming the whole thing. I don't know if I was lucid dreaming or if I had some fever dream or what. I took my normal melatonin.

I get my shots delivered from Minnesota anyways.

Really enjoying my home. It was warm enough to have the windows cracked open a bit which makes this tiny space seem bigger and the sounds of traffic and kids at play wafting in make it seem like Summer. I ate junk and laid around all day. I listened to Taylor Swift and went in a ZOOM support group but it was too unpleasant so i quit.

Kind of disappointed that i didn't get out for fresh air and exercise today, but i did yesterday. I even went to the mall to get a change of scenery. Wow, "Jane's Big Adventure"! I was discouraged at how dirty public transit was tho. It really is a hardship. I hope all you drivers enjoy your sweet rides!

My mild depression didn't bother me too much today. I dial my expectations low and am not upset. In group the icebreaker question was, What's your dream vacation? People were saying all these lofty ideas like The Grand Canyon. My dream vacation is a staycation of a hotel here in the city that i like. I seem to be happy with a lot less than others.

Today was an amazing day. Started off rocky because I was really sleepy, but once I got going it was totally worth it.

Went out and enjoyed the gorgeous weather. My friend pushed me to go to the gym and thank God she did - did the elliptical, bike, ab machines, and walked around the track - put in a whole hour and a half and felt accomplished. Came home and spoke to my good friend from the UK on Skype, I love his accent so much! Then had an amazing therapy session in which I told him I registered for a writing class to help me with writing my book. It was fate because the class I found at the community college was called "Write Your Life Story" how cool is that?

I gave my ex's mom my new number and had a great conversation with her. She agreed that it was the right decision I made by changing my number and giving him no way to contact me. We talked about him and the good times and bad, and she said she'll keep me updated on him and promised to not let him know we talk. I got the closure I needed that I couldn't get from him. She told me she visited him today in the same psych hospital we were in together 5 years ago - he is even on the same floor with the same nurses that I knew too. She said he looked deep in thought. It must be hard for him, but I feel really good because I know he is going to be fine without me.

I decided today that I am going to love him from afar, and finally close the book on this relationship. I shed a lot of tears last night, and I think it's just what I needed.

I am moving on, and slowly coming off my meds headed towards better days. Hopefully, I can put this bipolar diagnosis behind me once and for all too.

So I ran out of latuda. I'm supposed to have 2 bottles here but can't find them. All I can do is call the pharmacy tomorrow but they take 5 days to mail. I have an appointment Monday with my psychiatrist. I don't want withdrawal. I don't sleep without latuda. Found a bottle but will run out of 60 mg Saturday.

Got my discount bus pass today put my last 10 on the card.

Good morning. I got up early today (5am) journaled, meditated, did 30 min on the treadmill and 15 min of yoga. I’m gonna practice violin today later in the afternoon. My next lesson is on Monday so I really need to put some hours of practice in the next couple days cause I severely slacked on it for a month due to my job being so stressful and overwhelming and physically exhausting. But now I have the time to make practice.

Trigger for mention of substance use


I figured I’d put that in a trigger thing in case it upsets or triggers anyone. I know everyone has their own opinions and experiences in regards to that so I want to be respectful.

Anyway, plans for the weekend include exercising, cleaning my apartment, practicing violin, spending time with my bf. And maybe try doing some art if I can get the motivation to. I also need to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds and drop off some books at the library.
Mocha and Mustachio are doing well

been seeing weird stuff. yesterday i was seeing bubbles floating around as I drove home from work. so weird.i see pdoc next week. itll probably be the last time as he is leaving. hes only there 4 days a month and i cant get in to see him any sooner so i need to find a new pdoc. ugh

I was throwing up so much last night from some Gatorade. I was coughing too because it was getting stuck in my throat and it was coming out my nose and there were these weird flake things coming out. I finally took one of my nausea meds I'm not supposed to and I fell asleep until 2AM. I took my AM meds and then fell back asleep until almost 8.

I drank a coffee today which caused me to throw up 3 times. I wish I could kick this coffee habit. But overall I haven't been in too much pain or nausea.

I have a few canker sores on the right side of my mouth from all this throwing up. It hurts to eat on that side. I hope I get this figured out before I do any serious damage to my teeth and mouth.

The girl I know who is faking dying in hospice posted another Tik Tok saying she is going home to start at home hospice. Yeah, sure Jan. You're going home because you aren't dying.

Man does my stomach hurt right now. I don't know how many times I've thrown up today. Someone told me their dad had similar symptoms and it turned out to be pancreatic cancer.

Somehow the pharmacy was able to fill my diazepam, gabapentin and Lamictal, but not my metformin or Cymbalta, so I picked those up today. Strange situation. I don't know why Dr K's office won't approve my metformin or Cymbalta. I should probably call. I'll do that on Monday. I don't feel like doing it today. I'm not going back to the pharmacy anyway.

I'm in a seriously cynical/bad mood today. I'm PMSing hard-core and I blame that stupid morning after pill since it's like a condensed birth control pill and birth control pills make me PMS (reason why I can't take them). I have serious man hatred today. I see my therapist at 2PM. I'm happy my therapist is a woman! Tmi but I'm spotting and have bad cramps 😫. My friend told me that when she had to take plan B once she spotted for an entire month. BOOHOO.

I'm pissed my husband squirted inside of me and got to reap all the benefits, while I didn't even get off (it was the middle of the night. He was tired. It obviously takes me longer than TWO ****ING MINUTES.). And now I'M the one who's spotting and cramping and PMSing!!!!! Seriously, all men have to do is worry about their ****ing dicks.

Ugh!!!

My credit score went up 13 points this month but I won’t be able to pay two of my credit cards off. (The third one has a zero balance.). I’ll have to pay half now and half next month I guess. It doesn’t help that I got a bill in my portal for $50 for food I ate while in the psych ER! Ugh. Plus, I got my annual paperwork for section 8. I hate the anxiety that this causes me even though I do it every year. I have a month to finish it before I have to mail it by the deadline.

@Moose72 your psych ER charges you for food while you are there????? That seems vastly unfair. It's not your fault you have to eat while in the ER. Plus if it is like my psych ER you'd have to eat a lot to make $50. I was there 36 hours and was given cold hamburgers, an apple and chips for lunches and dinner and a bowl of cereal and an orange for breakfast. Plus a ham sandwich with my meds so I didn't get sick. It seemed they wanted the food to be so awful nobody would come in just to get a meal. (On the floor the food is good so it's not like this is typical for the hospital). It was so gross I didn't eat hamburgers for about 6 months afterwards.


Congratulations on the credit score!

According to my therapist I'm clinically depressed.

BOOHOO.

Thanks Dr K for taking my depression seriously at my last appointment. You know, lowering my gabapentin dose was REALLY going to help with that. Now I'm just anxious AND depressed (and pissed off....but I blame plan B for that).

I all of a sudden can't take a **** and its killing my stomach right now. I haven't had this issue since I did PT in December. I weighed myself just now and I've dropped like 2 pounds since yesterday and I've already lost 8 pounds this month. Wtf is going on with me.

The person I was talking with today on Messanger said their dad couldnt go for 5 days no matter what he took. He also had the same hernia I have that the doctors said wasn't a big deal and now he has stage 3/4 pancreatic cancer

My appetite is out the door now. Things are bad. Why is it always on a Friday.

Anxiety is still there today. Leaving in half an hour to pick up my eldest son I haven’t seen since February for brunch. Looking forward to the catch up with him. Then going to get some pants tailored. Then grocery shopping.

I’ve been keeping myself busy this morning by doing lots of tidying up. Did my bedroom, the main lounge and the entranceway. I still have the small lounge left to do. I helps keeping occupied. I don’t want to take my benzo for anxiety because my pdoc only gave me 25 so I have to use them in a real panic attack. Which Ive had to do twice since prescribed.

Tuesday is parent teacher interviews. The interviews will be fine, I generally find parents supportive. I don’t particularly want to be at work until 7:00pm though. I’ve been sleeping so much lately that’s a really long time to be stuck at work.

Having issues with our neighbour, again. Twice this week when our Labrador has barked he’s gone up to the fence to yell at him. Honestly the dog barely barks and when he does it’s for a short amount of time. Yesterday when I was at work my partner said he came to the front door. He didn’t answer. Now we’re on tenterhooks waiting for him to complain about our dog again.

Such is life.

I've taken so much gabapentin and seroquel... WHY AM I STILL ANXIOUS?! I feel like I'm on the verge of losing it. I don't know what's wrong with me!

Winding down from another great day - a bit symptomatic, but I don't know if it's because I'm a bit manic or just happy. I have had so many dark days it feels so good to feel good again, although I am aware that I stopped taking my morning meds - keeping a close watch on that.

I am getting naturally sleepy though, so that is a really good sign. Had such a great day at work today and then drove an hour and a half to fix my dad's computer - who knew that CTRL+ALT+DELETE can still perform miracles? Either way, they were so grateful, I am glad I was able to be helpful to them - I owe them so much already.

Don't know what to say. My SDit is allergic to chicken. Victoria is still not really talking to us. I feel like I lost her. When h did try talking to her she snapped at him. She doesn't even respond to texts. We are committed to staying here. Hopefully we don't loose the car. See pdoc Monday no idea what to say. I'm going quite again. I hate when I go quite. My mom called and we talked for awhile. I'm lactating and I'm not pregnant. I don't want to go off latuda. I'm just done. I want to live somewhere that I can have independence. I've become someone I don't even want to be around. I'm waiting for my husband to say he wants a divorce. We've been married almost 20 years. I just want to feel better. I ordered pizza tonight even though we need it for bills and Victoria's friends are coming. Husband hurt his back Dr says stretch it. I realized before moving here we regularly did things 3-5x a week now nothing we haven't really found a community here.