Bipolar Check-in #80

Hi All,
Nothing really new to report. Still doing IOP + Individual = 10 hrs of therapy a week, still on same meds. Just got back from my in-person doctor's visit for my Adderall, and he refilled my other meds too. Got an eye exam done today so that's taken care of, and now i'm home ready to relax. I did a little too much in one day today (Therapy, eye doctor, psychiatrist), but it's at least over.

Fun fact! My eyes are not exactly getting worse, but my brain is still overcompensating for what I really need. So we're having to play with my eye prescription a bit. But good news is, when I get old -- it'll be easy peasy to take care of.

Hope everyone is doing well. Been awhile since I posted.

So my GI office just called. And they scheduled me for a colonoscopy for this Monday. I know I want answers and stuff but I'm already worried about going under once. Now I get to go under twice in 4 days. Idk. I'm just kinda at a loss. Plus my stomach hurts like a ***** right now and I'm puking up everything.

I saw my psychiatrist today. He went over my bloodwork and said my vitamin D levels were very low so he sent out a prescription for a vitamin D supplement along with my regular meds. All my other meds are staying the same. I’m doing well on the med changes he made last month. He asked if I’m still self medicating with THC and I told him no because it was messing with me too much and making me paranoid and anxiety worse and making me feel on the verge of psychosis sometimes and he said that is good and a smart choice to stay away from it. I see him again in a month. He said everything else in my bloodwork looked good, my cholesterol is lower than it was a year ago which is good. He did mention that my good cholesterol is a little low though so he said to make sure I’m like eating fish and stuff that improves good cholesterol. So I’m gonna start doing that.

My current meds are :
150mg Zoloft
30mg abilify
100mg Thorazine
1500mg trileptal

And now a weekly vitamin D supplement.

Im doing pretty well, a lot less stressed than I was recently. All the stressful stuff I was dealing with got resolved so now I’m just trying to catch up on sleep.

Today was a really good day. It was hot as heck, but I managed to get out to an AA meeting and talked with some really nice people after. Wore a really cute summer dress and felt really pretty, more than I have in a while. Found a new smoothie place and treated myself too. Then dropped by the pharmacy to pick up my new thyroid medication - she increased it more than 20mcg, so hopefully it makes a difference. Had to call to make a bloodwork appointment so they can check my levels again in a month to see if she has to up the meds again. My thyroid levels were really off.

Just in a really good place. Been thinking about Giovanni a little here and there, but not as much as I used to. Things are good with my boyfriend, although I know the next couple of days will be challenging because he will be with his daughter, so I will use that time to make some extra money and continue with my writing. Also want to write my penpal, and keep up with my blog. Redoing my vision board with some goals and aspirations for the upcoming year, having one has been really helpful. Wouldn't hurt to redo that gratitude list too. Life is really good, I need to put that whip down that I beat myself with, it doesn't do any good for anyone.

I'm scheduled for appointments with another therapist for 6 or 8 weeks while my therapist is out for his hip replacement. That makes it feel more real.

I tried to talk about it but I'm not doing well at explaining this to him. I wish I could cry. I think I'm appearing fairly cheerful instead of sad. My meds make me too numb to cry. I don't know if I've ever mentioned that to him.

I think it will be over in 10 weeks. I'd have to count again but I think that's right.

Pretty uneventful day. Dinner at Husband's mom's house because his sister and family are in town from Kansas. Felt sick afterwards, like I was gonna vom 🤢, but thankfully didn't. I'm not particularly fond of Sister-in-law and Family. I think they're kind of rich and snobby, but whatever. Things are always friendly and civil enough. And it's of course always nice to see my little niece and nephew. I just find extended family events draining.

Husband won't have any love right now. He's out in the living room watching some show. I went out there before and was like, "What ARE you doing?" and he said, "Watching my show. Want to watch my show with me?" And I kind of gave him some tender caresses and said, "No. I want to have sex." And he said, "But I don't want to right now. I'm watching my show." And I said, kind of pouty I'll admit, "But I'm HORNY." And he just kind of smiled and jokingly said, "I'm not a piece of meat!" Whatever! Lol.

My last appointment with my current psychiatrist is next week already. Have to buy him a card. Going to write him a nice note since I realize I haven't been the easiest to deal with. He even told me once that he's been very patient with me. So I just wanted to thank him for being so patient with me and understanding and overall being a great psychiatrist, best I've had so far, and how much I'm going to miss him. It hasn't really set in fully yet that my next appointment with him is the last time I'm ever going to see him. I've been seeing him once every four to six weeks for the last eight years. And my new psychiatrist is a POS. I saw her once. She fukked me up so bad by messing with my meds (took me off haldol and sertraline cold turkey) that I ended up IP, but it was either her or the Indian POS who took me off diazepam and loxapine cold turkey IP, and I'd rather NOT for sure go through cold turkey diazepam withdrawal in my near future. At least with this other POS I don't know if she'll take me off diazepam!

I guess I'll go to bed. Sigh. No love. Maybe I should go bother Husband again. No. I'll just go to sleep I guess. He IS watching his show after all. And he's NOT a piece of meat. Lol 😆

Another post. It's 5am and I'm still awake. Things are getting tough, and my mind is just racing like crazy with all these worries. I am knocking on mania's door with this 5am-10am sleep schedule. I am getting worried.

Oh my god. The wheels of my mania mind are turning with completely crazy ideas. My FAVORITE band in the entire world is playing in Amsterdam on Monday November 18th and I'm willing to take a trip there to see them. My grandparents on my dad's side came directly from the Netherlands. They were there during WWII. It would be cool to see my country of origin. I'm willing to take money out of my 401k for this trip!!!! That's how OBSESSED I am with this band. Husband won't go. He doesn't fly. He has panic attacks on airplanes. I'd like to go with someone so I shot my sister a text.

Hoping she's up for the idea.

I know. COMPLETELY crazy!!!! But also exciting! I just don't want to go alone.

My favorite band was playing literally 15 minutes from my house but I had to quarantine for surgery. I'm still a bit pissed about missing it.

I hope you get to go.

@raspberrytorte - Not to be a downer, but you should consider the idea of going to Amsterdam carefully before buying a ticket, especially since your husband seems to be your biggest support, and he is not going. Have you discussed this idea with your husband? What does he think about it? Be careful you are not heading into a mixed episode since you were depressed just a few days ago. If it's not a mixed episode, remember you've been hypomanic a long time, and mania makes you make spontaneous decisions that may not be the best for your health.

I have power again! I'm so happy about it. Houston in the summer with a heat index of 105-110 degrees in very high humidity horrible without electricity.

I'm doing pretty good. My mood is good. I started couch to 5K today. Well, actually I used a couch to 10 K program since that was the app I had already set up on my phone. I took an old cell phone (screen cracked) in case I trip, which is how I cracked the screen on the old phone. I will probably be so sore tomorrow, but I would like to lose 5-10 lb. and get my abs in better shape. Crunches helped the abs some, but not as much as running and walking did in the past. The first day wasn't too bad, 25 minutes total with 6 min total of running intervals.

This morning I actually put on makeup for the first time in a year. I'm not sure if I am just feeling better or if I put in on because I'm getting a passport today at the library (assuming they are open after Beryl) and having my photo taken.

I hope the couch to 10K and the makeup doesn't mean I'm heading toward mania.

Thanks 😊 I hope so too. Unfortunately my sister said she can't go because she doesn't have vacation time, can't afford it, and is too big to fit comfortably on any airline. Boohoo. I just asked a different friend of mine. We'll see what she says. I just don't want to travel to a foreign land alone!

There has to be SOMEONE who can and wants to go with me.

I dropped the Gym today, overslept. I used 37 minutes on the same route as yesterday, but went 200 m longer. 2,8 km.

Guess if I am tired? Have to say that I am proud that I was able to continue today. YAY!


I send my best wishes to all. @raspberrytorte, please listen to @Blueberrybook with regard to the trip to the Netherlands. Maybe it is wise to wait or perhaps not go alone.

You must have posted your post when I wrote mine. I am so glad to hear that you will not consider to travel alone.

I'm feeling a little better today. There is less coughing, and my nose is blocked less. It's not yet gone, but it's slowly getting better.

Yesterday was the first full day of wearing the compression stockings - they made quite a difference on my knees which were hardly swollen at the end of the day. So far, my right foot seems to be less swollen, but I'll know for sure how it is at the end of the day.

My anxiety is still up but the Klonopin seems to be helping with the physical symptoms at least. Rexulti seems to be less effective than Vraylar so far.

I see my doctor next week, and I'll mention that the swelling in my legs is still around, even though I'm wearing compression stockings. We could increase Rexulti or switch to something else.

Hi everyone! I'm feeling pretty good after my endoscopy. I think the main endoscopy related symptoms I am having are a sore throat and being a little tired. I'm struggling to regulate my body temperature, but I think that's risperidone and/or physical illness related because I was already struggling with that a little bit before my endoscopy. It is worse though so it's something to keep an eye on.

Everything looked good-due to inflammation, they took one biopsy to test for infection, but otherwise everything was fine. If the biopsy comes back positive, I think I just have to take some antibiotics. The GI doc is willing to double my acid reflux med since my current dose isn't working anymore and everything looked fine. He said to see him again in 5-6 months.

My friend claims I didn't say anything ridiculous so that's good too!

An unexpected benefit was the IV they gave me. Fluids/electrolytes are a key thing to managing my physical illness so getting this IV did wonders! I actually felt better after the endoscopy than I have in ages!

Outside of a chiropractor appointment, and a possible trip to the pharmacy, I'm going to make myself rest some more today. I'm thinking I'll go treat myself to an iced coffee too.

I'm glad it went well!

I'm trying to hang on as much as I can until tommorow. I was in a ton of pain and throwing up so I took an hour nap and now I just feel blah. Going to the bathroom has become painful and I've been silently thanking my PT for suggesting the stool. I told my mom last night I wanted to be cremated and have my ashes sprinkled over my Grandmas grave my mom was all like "are you trying to give me nightmares?" I've just been lying in bed today listening to music. My $12 headphones came last night. They suck. But they get the job done.

I ordered a walking pad last night which is like a treadmill with just the walking part. I got a good deal on it because of Walmart+ days. I saved $210 I think.

But **** my stomach right now.

Sorry for complaning so much

Do Tums cause anxiety or am I just in general a wreck today?

I took a 5th Valium today. May not be the smartest idea but its still only 25mg. Not sure what stayed down either. I had some of Arbys potato cakes. Nothing is doing much. So I'm guessing it is nerves about tommorow. I got a call about my colonosocopy and what to do for that. I have to pick up some gross liguid stuff and hope I don't throw it up. I'm hoping its the kind I mix with Gatorade.

Right now I'm doing laundry and watching the news and listening to music and posting on here. I have energy right now at least.

Glad to hear the good news @June08! Definitely treat yourself to that iced coffee today. I am not sure about the tums @Mountaindewed, I am thinking it's nerves about tomorrow.

God, I got up out of bed at 2pm today. That is so awful! But I managed to get up, shower, make my bed, and get some appointments made for the week. Almost forgot to make my pdoc appointment, I am running low on meds! Ugh. It seems like a battle to remember all this stuff sometimes. Was very close to almost breaking up with my boyfriend last night, but I spoke to my long-time friend from New York today who deals with the same issues in her relationship, and she said I need to communicate my feelings more and don't run from things like I usually do. I am such a runner y'all it's not even funny.

Staying grounded today and trying to get things done. Girllll, @raspberrytorte - I know how bad you want that trip! Definitely don't go alone if you can help it. I took a trip manic as heck a few years ago, and it didn't turn out well at all. Still having thoughts of Giovanni; I don't think they'll ever go away.

My friend can't go either. This sucks. I NEED to see this band. My obsession with them as of late is overwhelming and I missed them in Chicago in March because I couldn't get anyone to drive me there, even after offering to pay for their gas, ticket and drinks at the venue. No one wanted to drive in Chicago. I think my obsession with them has reached unhealthy proportions! It's like a spiritual experience whenever I listen to them. I fear if I don't see them live I will perish.

Husband absolutely refuses to go. I offered dramamine. I offered a diazepam for the plane flight so he doesn't freak out (I have extra. It's not a biggie.). I HAVE to go. I am being guided. I'd rather NOT go to a foreign land alone though... the thought is kind of scary 😳 but I may have no choice. Can't let fear hold me back.

I've already been looking at flights. I have plenty in my 401k to cover this trip.

@raspberrytorte - You really need to think this through. You do not NEED to see this band; you really WANT to but that might not be best for you, the way you're sounding - obsessed with this trip, little sleep -hypersexual, depressed, hypomanic again. You could be heading into a mixed episode or if not that it sounds to me like you're already IN full mania, not just hypomanic.

I think you really, really need to reach out to your pdoc, especially if it's not too late before he retires. If he's already retired, call the new one, have your H beg them to get you in sooner because it sounds to me like you really NEED it at this point. And I mean NEED it.

What does your H think about your latest obsession with this band, the hypersexual stuff, your lack of sleep, etc.? How does he not drag you to the pdoc's at this point and insist the doctor see you now? I know my H would do that if I had all your symptoms in a heartbeat; he wouldn't have let it go on any more than a week, if even that.

Take care of yourself.

Hi all

I haven’t posted in a while.

Hope you’re all well.

I’m at the hospital for a check up with the neurologist after my mini stroke in March. Will find out in a short while if I’m cleared to drive. Fingers crossed. It’s been a long few months of my partner having to take me everywhere on the weekends.

Keep well and I will be back!

So emotional. So many emotions. Obsessing that the social security website is now moving to Login.GOV - and of course I can't get into it because it's my old phone number attached to it. UGH. I hate Giovanni so much that I had to change my phone number. I just hate him. Everything about him. I just hate, hate and hate everything right now. So irrational, so emotional, and so full of hate.

Haven't had a feeling like this in a really long time. All alone in my apartment with no one to talk to. So utterly alone.

Nice to see you back @Crazy Hitch, let us know how your appointment turned out!

Coming out of my pity party, just noticed @Crazy Hitch !! Missed you so much! Come and let us know how you're doing and everything!

@Blueberrybook

I can't get the idea of this trip out of my head. I'm like obsessed with the idea! I HAVE to see this band! I can't focus or concentrate on anything. I've been listening to them nonstop for eight hours straight. Right now I'm just laying in bed, listening to them, and trying to get some sleep, while waiting for Husband to get home from work. Husband said absolutely NO to me going by myself. I'm thinking about offering to pay for my friend's flight so she can come with me. I don't know what's wrong with me!

Before I felt Husband laying next to me and getting up, so I got up, but he wasn't there.

I hope he's up for some adult fun time tonight. ❤️ 😍

I'm not raving about saving the world with my positive energy or talking about negative entities and reflections or saying I can heal others with my thoughts. I'm just full of love ❤️ and obsession and lust and longing. I'm not running around the neighborhood at 3AM or seeing the stars moving in the sky or thinking I can control the entire galaxy. That's why he's not dragging me to my psychiatrist. I'm just hypersexual, obsessed with a band, getting little sleep, and unable to concentrate on anything because of the hypersexuality and obsession.