Bipolar Check-in #81

I think a percentage of women do carry group B strep in their vagina and usually it's not a problem, but if you're positive for it during pregnancy, it may cause issues and then if not, the doctor still gives the mother antibiotics for delivery b/c it can affect the baby.

Well! I woke way too early. Was dreaming about spreadsheets and my sister and I were taking care of mum on a train. Then she passed and I was teaching my sister what to do with all the extra time we had. I had a book of examples. Funny, in the dream I could read them, now, barely remember them. Odd! Sort of nostalgic.

Today might be stormy tho, so not sure if I’ll go to my daughter’s house. The kind of storms with hail.

I’m so sorry for everyone having a hard time. Hugs to all of you.

I did not fall asleep when I went to bed after breakfast. So I used a lot of time reading papers and found it reasonable to not go for the walk. I studied for one hour and found myself filled with "inner anger" and tense muscles. The good feeling from yesterday was gone. Instead, I felt as if I wanted to knock myself down .... I have pain all over my body and even in my face. (I didn't self harm).


It is only two days since I wrote:
I have started to use the tool STOP (and the acronym the letters stands for). It made me more calm and the only thing I could think about was that I need a break.


Acceptance is that as well: To accept that every day is not so good as one wishes, and that pauses are parts of taking good care of one's health. I will take good care of myself. (I do understand why I feel this way - Anger is always about not being treated fair, and yes I can remember that there have been many moments in my life when I was not treated fairly. That is why I need to comfort myself today. And more; beneath anger there can be fear. I'll find out what the fear is about).


Sorry for ranting!

I am so sorry for those of you who are having a hard time, I know it's hard to cry sometimes, I find crying so therapeutic after the good cry, but getting to the big cry itself is usually scary, uncomfortable, and unnerving - once that release comes though, it helps so much with my mood.

Hugs to you all - you will definitely be in my thoughts today.

@Nammu I definitely hate traveling in bad storms, sometimes between Raleigh and my town there are HUGE downpours where I see people pull over that I push through, but it is so scary. I haven't experienced hail since I left New York, but I imagine that to be scarier!! Oh, yes, I will also look into the glasses, but I think they said they need to measure me for the Progressives, so I'll have to see what that's all about. @Rosi700 omgoodness, $600 sounds crazy for glasses!!

Almost missed my pdoc this morning at 8:30am because I didn't set my alarm, but I made it and she wants to track my progress in 6 weeks. Was honest with her about how dropping the Lithium has been affecting me but reassured her that the good days outweigh the bad and that I am going to fight through it; she is very proud of me.

Totally in workmode this morning - going to try and make as much as I can today, and push through the day - ended up bowing out and spending the afternoon on my couch yesterday, but it was much needed because I needed that time to be with God. Met with my church friend last night, and she agreed to help me through the conversion process because there is a lot that she needs to learn too. She is so nice, such a good mom, and am so happy I met her. So thankful she literally lives 5 minutes away from my house too. Hope everyone has a good day today, remember I am always rooting for you.

My shoulder feels decent today. Better then yesterday. I'm going to wait it out a bit and hopefully it will be fine. I have a lidacaine patch on and I took some Tylenol. I took a zofran last night and got anxious out of my mind. I turned on Peter Paul and Mary and slept from 10:30 until 7 and now I feel fine anxiety wise and I took my pantropaloze with bread which helped so I don't feel nauseated today.

So I feel pretty ok at the moment.

The cool thing about (being transferred over to) ACT is that I have a nurse bothering me about meds every day. I guess she/they want me to take my PRN Haldol (both of them) every day. I got **** this morning for not doing that yesterday, and they've said "well, that's ok," like it was a bad thing the past few days if I've had one (yesterday was the first day I didn't take any). Fk that. I've gotten through struggles without Haldol before, I can go through them until I get to the point I'm crying for it again.

I mean, sure, I probably don't take them when I should, but I think having BPD makes things wayyy harder to decide if I truly need a PRN because I'm questioning "am I going to be better in five minutes before it even has a chance to kick in, or in a couple hours am I going to be hallucinating my brains out?"

I love BPD too. It's all about that yelling out "I want to die I want to die" and instantly coming up with a detailed--and frankly abusive to people who have "done me wrong"--but then an hour later be as ok as I can be.

But I did take my stupid Haldol (and Seroquel) this morning. Maybe I should do that more often?

@Crazy Hitch, *hugs**hugs*hugs* I get the ugly cry dread, too. It'd be okay if I was alone (better than getting violent/self harming), but, boy, if I did it in front of specific people (uh-hem, seed planter)....that was different.

@HALLIEBETH87 Do you do any mood (combo of emotions & energy levels) journaling? Maybe it's a good idea, write some notes if you feel necessary, and take that to your pdoc?

I managed to get an additional 4 hours of sleep. So I got a total of 8 hours. So I’m happy about that. I’m facilitating the bingo game in my apartment building today

@Nammu, it is stormy here as well. The trees are bending, but no hail.

I calmed it with two Valiums, but that is a short term solution. I am still very confused about what to do in the long run. It is clear that only a few days of Autumn weather, has been enough to trigger my SAD.


For the moment, it feels intolerable!

I need to start doing it again.
I see Pdoc next week.

My shoulder feels a lot better. I put a bunch of stuff in the fridge and maybe I just needed to work it out. But I feel pretty good today. I got a nice unexpected refund from my endoscopy that will pay another GI bill and also cover therapy on Thursday and leave me a bit for some groceries or something.

My nausea and anxiety are fine and I haven't taken any naps today. Idk what was up with yesterday.

I deactivated facebook because all I was doing on it was looking up people. I rarely posted after my health stuff started and I only posted random memes. Nothing personal.

Idk about people in highschool but

Went to dr. Urine results are fine! All those portal abnormal flags are from contamination I guess. The culture shows yeast only. Group b strep is present but at normal levels. Called in a cream for external burning and itching- I have a tube already that I got on Saturday and it’s helped a lot! Other is a kit for the inside. Internal exam showed that things are getting better since Saturday.

@Crazy Hitch:

Did something happen? Or is it just that you are still finding your job unbearable? Is going on disability benefits an option? I've been on them for 30 years. It's really helped me manage my bipolar a lot, as i have treatment-resistant bipolar, and must still cope with the mood-swings, tho meds help about 50%.

Living on disability benefits is not without it's drawbacks, tho. For example, i'm really bored, and i find my life purposeless. It wasn't even a question for me tho, i was so deteriorated, and barely functioning. I was so depressed i couldn't eat or sleep and was losing ten pounds a month and finding tying my shoes a challenge.

It's a personal matter tho, and i realize we must all make the best decision for ourselves on an individual basis. I hope you're feeling better for having your two days off that your GP wrote you and that you don't mind my raising the question of disability benefits.

Of course, i'm just speaking from my own lived experience, which is what we are directed to do in my ZOOM support group. This guideline makes a lot of sense to me.

@JaneOnceMore

It’s totally my job. I don’t know if I’ll qualify for disability benefits because I work even though it’s killing me. I know when I go back to work tomorrow it will be the same students pushing each other off chairs and throwing chairs at each other. They’re quite physical.

@Crazy Hitch:

I'm so sorry to hear that. Perhaps a little relatable humor will help:

"What do you call a teacher without students? Happy!"

I hate intrusive thoughts. I don’t want to take my Valium equivalent because I have to drive to see my pdoc and I don’t want to be numb. Semi crying here and I have to take my son to school in 10 minutes. Haven’t showered since Sunday. Just can’t. Might take a bath after I get back from pdoc. I don’t know if I’ll have the energy.

@JaneOnceMore thanks for the joke. It made me lol

I did it! I facilitated the bingo game! It was anxiety inducing, almost panic inducing cause I have severe social anxiety but I did it!! So proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone and challenging myself. I feel really good now!

I'm resuming violin lessons in September with my violin teacher, my next lesson is on September 9th. I'm excited about that. I had to take a few months off lessons because of financial reasons but now I can start taking lessons consistently again. My violin teacher is awesome. She's in a band and performs all over.

I'm doing well in terms of my schizoaffective/bipolar. My mood is stable. I'm doing well on my meds. And on september 12th I start EMDR therapy with my therapist for my trauma history. Don't know what to expect really but hopefully it goes well. I see my psychiatrist on the 13th. Will be good to report back since I haven't seen him in a few months. I am doing well on the med changes. I'm now on 30mg of abilify, 100mg of zoloft, 1500 mg trileptal, and 100mg thorazine. And this combo seems to be working really well for me, better than anythings worked for me for a long time. I haven't been getting manic, or depressed since being on the increased abilify and decreased zoloft. My mood is level, it's really good, not over the top. I haven't been having psychosis. Still have some paranoia occasionally but it's nowhere near as severe. I have motivation, I've been exercising and doing things like cleaning my apartment and doing hobbies and whatnot. Sticking to a strict routine with my meds. I quit smoking weed /taking thc edibles which I know he is glad about. I am too. It was really destabilizing me and messing up my progress. My focus is better, I read 40 books so far this year. I stopped impulsively spending tons of money.

Just in general I feel really well and excited about the future cause I feel like I'm gonna keep pushing myself to get out of my comfort zone and do more things around town and in the community. I feel very optimistic

@Crazy Hitch

I worked at my stressful job until it, literally, broke me and I had the worst manic episode of my life, did the unthinkable, temporarily ruined my life completely and lost, well, everything. I was there for eleven years and managed to get on SSDI. So it was obvious I COULD keep a job, but I got it anyway. Your job sounds like it really sucks. No offense. If I was you I'd throw a chair at one of the students. How old are these kids?! What's their problem?! We never shoved each other or threw chairs when I was in school, at any age, even middle school when we were all a bunch of little shyts. I don't get it. Can you contact their parents? (Not that that would do much I guess.)

Anyway, 🫂 ❤️